Ex-spouses have feelings too

[macy]

I do not know if this is where I should be or not. I usually post on the "Trigeminal Neuralgia" forum, but this is about something different. I have not met any one who has been willing to admit to having a problem like this.
21 years ago my ex-husband died. I hurt so deeply I am still not over it. We had been married for 11 years and divorced for 8 years when he died. Even my close friends could not understand what I was going through. I felt it best to hide my feelings. I guess that may be why it still bothers me so much.
I had been married to another man prior to him and the first one is the father of my two oldest children. We have been divorced 38 years and he is dying with lung cancer. I am having a hard time. I have no one that understands, just because I divorced a man, I did not look forward to his death. I wish there was a support group for ex-spouses, or maybe others do not experience these feelings. It is not that I was still in love with either of these men, but they had been an important part of my life and neither of them had remarried. It was difficult the first time and now it is times two.
To all the real widows and widowers please do not think that I am in any way comparing my situation to you that have lost your lifelong partner.I know this is minor compared to what you go through.
I just need some feedback from someone who might understand how I feel.
Bless you all.
Macy

[stormsun]

My daughters father died 3 years ago and I knew him for 30 years before he died, he was the best father, friend anyone could have, I did not live with him but talked to him almost daily. He was a part of my life a significant part and when you lose a wonderful friend and father to your children it will always be painful. When I look at all the good traits my daughter has I am so glad that I picked him to be a Dad and so sad that he didn't see her finish college, get married or see a grand child and he earned all that and more.

[mama sue]

I am not an ex, but I believe that grief is grief, no matter what the situation. As you stated in your post, just because you divorced him doesn't mean that you didn't care. You loved him at one time and that doesn't just go away. I am sorry you have noone who understands. To have to go through this twice.... All I can say that if you ever just need a shoulder, I will listen. Take care.

[macy]

Mama Sue and Stormsun, Thank you both for being so kind and understanding. I thought I might be nuts. Glad I have a place to come. I know I will need you when the time comes.
Thanks,
Macy

[macy]

Mama Sue, I reread your post and read about Bobby and Matthew. So very sorry. My heart aches for your loss. Please take care and stay in touch.
Macy

[mama sue]

It's always nice to have a place you can come and feel safe. I hope that I can be part of that safety for you and for others. I quit coming to braintalk for some time after my babes were gone....I wished I'd never lost contact with so many great people. I had made so many friends and they helped me through the most difficult times of my life. I guess the main thing is I came back and my prayer would be that I can be a friend to someone else in need. I will keep in touch, you as well ok. (((HUGS)))

[trekker]

I would think in one way that it would be even harder. Widows/widowers get support and help to deal with their grief but you didn't get any....your grief was even questioned. Because you didn't get to grieve properly for the first husband that died your grief is doubled.

My mother had similar problems when she lost her mother and her 1st husband within a year and she was left to raise a toddler and a new baby plus work. She then lost her second husband 10 years later. Again raising 2 children, working and keeping a 4 apartment building running. No time to grieve properly each time. Several years later she lost her little pug dog and fell to pieces. Her boyfriend got her to a counselor who was able to tell her why she was so distraught....she was reliving all the losses she had had in her life because she didn't go thru all the grieving process each time.

Find some way to release the grief for the first husband who died. Write a letter telling him goodbye and how you miss him. What a good man he was. What you remember about your good times together. Things like that. Then either burn the letter and let the smoke carry your feelings up to heaven to him or tie it to a baloon and let the balloon carry it to him. If you don't think these will work for you then try to think of some way that will.

Will you be able to attend the services for the father of your children with them? Will you be able to visit him before he dies? You are still attached to that man thru the children and it is understandable that you will grieve. Don't let anyone diminish your feelings this time.

[macy]

Trekker, I think you are so right. I have had to hold all my grief in. I remember at my ex's memorial service everyone looked at me as if I was out of place. Only one person came over to console me, a nephew of my husband's, and I never forgot that. I thought he was so wonderful to do that, while the rest of his family gathered around each other and did not even come near my/our daughter. She was 13 at the time. It was a hard time. He and I had settled our differences, and became close friends. but his family had not forgiven me.
I do not have that problem now. This ex has no family left except our children.
He lives in Michigan and I alive in Virginia, I cannot fly due to a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia. The pressure in the cabin of the plane causes pain in the face and head. I will be there in spirit. Thank God, my two children with him are very close, so they will have each other, as well as their spouses.
Writing the letter sounds like a good idea. Probably will take several letters. I have a lot built up.
I hesitated to post here. I am so glad I did. You all have already helped me so much in just two days.
Trekker, I am glad your Mom finally was able to greive. It is a misrable feeling when it keeps piling up inside.
I will be back I am sure.
Macy

[macy]

Mama Sue,
I just saw a post on braintalk 2 from someone named Alfie that was asking about you.Thought I would pass this on to you.
the url is:
http://forums.braintalk2.org/index.php

Macy

[mama sue]

thanks (((HUGS)))

[goldenmain]

I lost my exhusband in April 05. He was the father of my children and I spent 16 years of my life with him. I married him young and he was 10 yrs older, but we got along great. I don't know what came over me when I was 32, but I left him to see if I was missing anything in life. I always knew that I would go back home and grow old with him someday, sitting in our rockers watching our grandchildren. He was my true love in my life,but now it's too late for anything. I stayed with him constantly while he was dying the last days. We cried to gether and let me tell ya, it was a love story. I know he will wait for me up there. I helped him be saved by the lord before his passing and he died with a smile on his face. I totally can feel your loss. I am mourning my own ex. I wished so bad that I had not thought the grass was greener on the otherside and divorced him. He loved me so much still that he left our home, bank accounts and ins in my name the whole 8 years we were divorced hoping I would come home. SO SAD!! I don't think I'll ever be over it. The good news is that you should watch your dreams. They will come see in your sleep and it is a REAL connection. Love and Light, Donna I forgot to say that he died of lung cancer and he was only 50 yrs. lung cancer is really bad. He lost his voice before he died and we communicated by expressions and hand squeezes and kisses.

[Boopers]

Hi Macy,
You have gotten alot of good advice and so I won't say anything except that I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could help you in some way.
Take care,
Linda

[booklover]

Macy I am sorry you are having a hard time with both deaths and insensitive people. My husband died 11 years ago and his ex took it very hard. She was also very supportive of me, going so far as purchasing a black dress for me to wear at the funeral so I didn't have to go out shopping. He was the father of her two children as well as our daughter and we all grieved. I really raised some eyeballs when I insisted that she be listed in the obituary because she had been part of his family. I am so glad I did what I did. Pam and I have gotten very close and it made it very easy to stay connected to my stepchildren who love dearly. Please know that I share your belief that exs do need to grieve just like any other person close to the deceased. God Loves you and So do I Annmarie