Feeling down, I want to hear from you

[Mark N]

We have several members really fighting depression lately and I hope if you are one you will post here and let us help. I have seen depression first had with my wife and I know what the hopelessness feels. I also know it passes or can pass in some cases with the right medication and therapy.

CP and the limiting effects of it make depression a real concern and one that is almost something we will have to face. It is difficult to deal with constant unending pain. But it doesn't stop there because our pain limits our activities that gave us joy in our lives. It also reduces the circle of our friends so there are fewer people to bring joy into our lives.

I hope you come here and unload your troubles. I also hope to gain a better understanding of what helps you and what triggers the bouts of depression. I hope you receive feeling of concern and compassion that I have for you as you deal with this dark hole, brokenbladder term for it.

[Kathi49]

Mark,

Just wanted to say your post is thoughtful. I am not dealing with depression at the moment but have before. The key for me was to try to stay busy...but I didn't have CP or spinal problems then either. So, I will just back off and let others post. I just posted because I think YOUR post might be helpful to others and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring it.

[Cats Meow]

Mark,

I have definitely been avoiding posting for the past few days trying to regain my thoughts and figure out exactly how I am going to pick up the pieces because I have no clue were to even begin. I’ve seen many people on here struggling and I want to lend support and I just want things to return to normal (which I know I will given time) and well what ever you can consider normal in my life that is. :p

I have always been the kind of person that most people would come and break down and tell me everything on their mind and I would be right there checking on them and encouraging them things do get better. I would also be there to put a smile on their face I didn’t care what it took and what I had to do but I know when you make someone laugh while they are going through depression it does help make that heavy heart a little bit lighter. And now that the tables are turned and yes while many people have reached out and offered to talk and support me but I have put up that wall or maybe I‘m in a state of denial. I beat myself up everyday saying you have been through worse. I think the must frustrating part about me is I will be the first to tell someone there is nothing wrong with seeking therapy but when the tables are turned I keep telling myself over and over I can win this and I will prove I can make it through anything…. I suppose the best way to sum me up is I’m stubborn :rolleyes:.

I hope things do begin to get better for you. I hope with the time you and your wife are spending a part that this will bring you too closer. And with that added the chronic pain you suffer with each day I know your frustrations. I see my husband deal with it day in and day out and while the condition I do have is painful I won’t even begin to compare it to his.

Well currently I have a whole array of things on my mind I’m shocked I can even function day to day trust me if I told anyone what I did the other day people would think I have lost it! There has been tremendous amount of stress on our marriage and I am trying my best to stay supportive but it is really wearing me down and I know I have become short tempered and my anxiety has skyrocketed and I know I have said things that really should have not been said but I think we both keep misunderstanding each other we both have a tendency to refuse to admit fault. Plus his parents really have not helped the situation which has fueled even more anger and frustration in me.

Ok I have rambled enough I need to get to work to go make up some hours for….. yep you guessed it more doctors appointments:eek:! I’m glad everyone on here can lend support even when they are going through tough times themselves. :o

[Phil]

I used to post at Braintalk all the time. I remember the old, old forums. On the forum I posted on a forum member died and the forum basically fell apart and most everyone left. I don't handle death very well. I have CP and major depression just to name a few. I am a recovering addict and have CP, go figure. I do not abuse my pain meds. I just went up to the 100mcg. patch and I am still having lots of break-thru pain. Depressed people are sort of strange. (well, me anyway!!) I can pick up on something funny and laugh and laugh...and still be depressed. I figure I/we appreciate comedy. How strange is that? I was just watching Jennifer Saunders aka Vivienne Vyle on youtube.

Jennifer wrote and starred in the Britcom Absolutely Fabulous. It's what gets me through the day.

I'm so sick of winter. I think a healthy dose of spring will do all of us some good!!

I've read all of your posts for months now and feel like I know all of you. Your in my thoughts and prayers as you face the challenges of each new day. This forum has changed so much...and for the better, really!! I don't know how many of you remember how it used to be but there were some really bad people here. Not any more. It is such a caring and compassionate place. You all owe yourselves a BIG pat on the back!!

It was 70 degrees here several weeks ago (one day only). All of the children were out with their basketballs playing and everyone was in such a good mood. I think it snowed the next day.
We've been really lucky though. I've only had to shovel one time, just a little bit. It snows and the very next day the sun comes out and melts it all. I really can't complain at all (central Illinois). My mother is retired and she is in Florida for the winter. There wasn't room for me in the trunk!!

Well, I have been wanting to post and I finally did!! Take care everyone and I hope to maybe post more. Your a very special group.

Thank you, Phil

[Mark N]

Kathi, no I wouldn't think you are ignoring the post. I hope that others with personal experience will be able to help more than I will.

CM, beating yourself up is a sure way to depression and you know how it harms you. With all you and your husband have been through lately it is no wonder you are struggling. Add in your in-laws that seem to make the situation worse and it is very difficult. That has been one of my problems, I love my wife much the same way you do your husband. I deal with her every day and when I try to get her family to understand the mental condition she was in they rejected what they were being told. Of course, people that see her once or twice a year, some hadn't seen her for six years, would know better than me and our kids. It is such a stupid position to take that it is hard to respect their concern especially when they want to put all the blame on me. Your in-laws love their son but they need to understand that you are the one that took him as a husband and chose to live with him every day. You see things they can't see because they don't live at home.

I hope you have some one you can open up with. When we have been the strong ones, people forget we get hurt too and we need to express our pain as much as any one. My wife has been doing an anxiety program that is really helping. If you are interested PM me and I can give you the contact info. CM I wish I could do more to help you but I can tell you I understand what it feels like dealing with a spouse that is going through emotional/mental issues.

My wife has been getting much better. It is still hard for me to accept why she needs to be away but I can understand her need. It is frustrating but hopeful because I see her going through the steps that I saw that needed to be done years and years ago. I have been working hard at making some changes because we got into a bad rut that we shouldn't have been in. I need to break some habits I got into with her while she is working on the issues that are haunting her. My counselor has reinforced some insights I had about her condition but has also shown me how I add to the problem. It lets me know what to change to make things better. Thanks for asking about my situation even while you are being overwhelmed with your's.

[GardeniaGirl]

I have had some very serious dark times over the years - but all through last year, probably the worst ever.

Now, I am not very depressed because I am reunited with my boyfriend and that is making me very happy.

But, I still have a problem with my mood dropping down about 2-3 days per week, due to my medication (methotrexate).

So, its most noticeable on Saturdays when I don't have to go out and do anything.

Saturdays I usually can't get out of bed until at least noon or even 1pm.

And that makes my back pain worse, as well.

All day Saturday, I will be totally unmotivated to do anything. I won't leave my apartment.

Its horrible. I hate it.

I wish I could just accept it, because I do force myself to work all week, but its this terrible feeling of inertia, tiredness, and a mildly depressed attitude.

Staying in the house all day and not moving much makes my pain worse - so its a horrible feeling to feel like I don't have the motivation to go do anything.

I literally do not care about anything when I am in that state of inertia.

Anyway, so , yes, I know all too well how bad depression can be.

I hope others will post on this thread - I think it helps to talk about what is going on - it at least gets it off your mind a little bit.

Take care everyone, GG

[Mark N]

Phil, yes I remember how mean the old wild forum could be. It is a wonder any of us stuck around. Sorry to hear of a forum member died. We have had a couple in the past year around here.

It is good to still be able to laugh and enjoy comedy even when we are down. I hope people can vent here and see others that are suffering too. It is good to see you back again and I hope you stick around because as you said the forum is much better now.

GG, it is such good news that you have connected with your bf again and I can 'hear' how excited you are. Like you said, I hope others come here and let some of their feelings out and to see that they aren't alone. I know with my wife had the overwhelming sense of no one else feels this way.

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi All,

Mark, this is an awesome idea for a thread!! You are very thoughtful and always have a kind word for everyone.

I have been dealing with Chronic Depression and medicated for over 25 years. Thankfully I have a wonderful Psychiatrist. I have been seeng him for over 15 years. I knew him when I was working, and aked if he would be willing to take me as a patient. The others I could baffle and say "Oh everthing is ok" Not this one, he can take one took and know if I am doing fine or not. I guess that has been the key for me dealing with my depression. I do go through very bad times, and try to do things I love to do. The problem is depression takes away the very things that used to bring you joy. Just as CP takes away a lot of the same things.
I journal daily, the ups, downs, and inbetweens. I can be very hard on myself as I used to be very self sufficient. I just hate having to hire someone to mow my yard, the fact that I am no longer a hard body, that I have gained so much weight due to medications for the pain and inability to exercise as I used to, there are so many more. But, there are good things also, I was home with my kids during their High School years. I had time to make bouquets for my daughters wedding. I can spend time with my grandkids.
Sometimes I find I do not enjoy time with my grandkids. I know that sound terrible, but when I am in the dumps I am so ambvilant to all things.
I can stay in my house for weeks at a time. The only thing I have to do is go to the PM or other med appts. get groceries, or go to the pharmacy.
I have mad a date with my best friend this afternoon to visit and have dinner. She has been calling saying she is worried about me and really bitching at me to get out of the house. We have been friends over 20 years, and she is the one person who can really call me on the carpet so to speak. She is right!! I do Isolate.
Sorry to go off, but I really appreciate this thread, and looking forward to hearing what others are going through.

Take care All, I am off to see my buddie.
Kathy

[Kathi49]

Okay Kathy, jumping back on for sec. ;)

You sound just like me; PM, other medical appointments, grocery store and pharmacy. :rolleyes: I did get out today and shopped for just a little bit...so that was fun.

And I think it is great to have that one very best friend. My friend and I have been best friends for 36 years. But this year she will probably have to move to Wisconsin since her husband took a job there. But you are right...if any one will call you on the carpet, it is your best friend. And I am and always have been thankful she has been in my life. I will be more than a little lost when she leaves. That is when I will become depressed. :( Ooops, on a lighter note she was bitching me out the other night too. I didn't want to go out and eat because that is when I was feeling so bloated. But she sometimes says the same thing; get over it and come on...more or less. :)

[Mark N]

Kathy, it is wonderful you have a great therapist and a great best friend. Having that combination is one sure way to help get you through the low points in your life. It is difficult to deal with CP for so long and it is no wonder that depression crops up now and then.

Kathi, I am glad you jumped back in. Sorry to hear you may be losing your best friend. It is difficult to lose someone that has been such a big part of your life for so long.

[suede]

Mark,

As always a good thread.

I don't even know where to start, I only know that I have no energy and absolutely no initiative to do ANYTHING...

Like Kathy and Kathi I could dwell in my home and never go out, I have managed not to stay on bed all day and that is probably in large part to it increasing the pain so much..

I don't like me at all right now and it makes it hard to like others, I try to fake it around my loved ones, I think I just come off as being a bi***, I don't really talk to anyone as the conversation always seems to be me centered and I have no desire to talk about me.

I have no close friends so all I have is family and of course they are concerned about my physical and mental health so of course the conversations are them wanting to know how I am

I even though about trying to do volunteer work once again but that is so unfair to commit to being some where and then not be able to show up because of pain and falling so much.

I have gone the therapist route for years not currently though as I have never really found one in this area that helped..

Finances are terrible and DH may very likely not have a job after Friday, my SSD won't even cover the house payment much less anything else..

I could go on and on but that is the tip of the "iceberg"..

Thanks for "listening".

Linda

[Nana4&cntn]

Linda,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this also. I am also sorry to hear of your husbands job. This economy sucks. I had given up on therapy for the past several years as I would have to have paid her as mdcr wouldn't.
They meaning Medicare make it difficult to see anyone without a Masters in Social Work. Oh, enough of that.
I have finally found a new therapist close to home, and, I am on a waiting list for a few weeks. I need someone to dump on, who doesn't judge me. My family is the opposite of yours, they don't want to hear anything about me, or how I feel. My friend has finally starting to get this crap. It all does play into the other. Wow I didn't realize how angry I am until I started writing this.:mad:
Isn't it a ***** when you hurt and tired and you can't lay down or it makes the pain worse? I have given up trying to please my family, I am great at changing the subject when they want to talk about how many pills I am taking. They think I should be drooling in the corner in a fetal position, sucking my thumb or pulling out my hair. Little do they know, if I wasn't taking the meds I would be doing all of those things plus crying.:p:p
I am angry not about your post, but,at the ignorance of people!! Your family, my family and sometimes people in general.
I would love to talk to you anytime, on the phone,pm, email, or however you need. I don't know if you feel posting here is okay. I have things that have happened to me I would not feel comfortable going into detail here.
I was a Social Worker for years, but not a Masters level.lol;)

I do have a caring soul, a good ear, some knowledge of what you are going through, and plenty of time. The life of Riley right? NOT. No pressure,just pm me and let me know if I can help.

Take care,:)
Kathy

[hummer]

I feel like double sided sticky tape....teetering and tottering along...everything is sticking to me....I always see both sides of a situation the good and the bad....balance is where I strive to live but sometimes it doesn't matter....it gets so bad that even the good is irrevelent....and it all just keeps sticking....things won't stay out of my head....so I chant prayers and say, 'thinking', when my mind wants to stray....that is the biggest goal controling the mind....

I haven't been to my doctor in six months...every breath I take I realize it...I don't have the money....nor the will to drive so far....my problem in the past is the repetative fact that bones in my skull and neck injury jam and I do not get cerebreal fluid to the brain as I should...so my brain sits in waste...that is the closest I can describe to their explanation....knowing this is hampering me in my out look on life....really doesn't make much of a difference at this point....I still see beautiful things and am gifted with Nature...but that just sticks to one side of me and the other side walks around in He!!.....a flooding darkness that has no boundries.....it sticks to the other side....

I wonder if my laughter is maniacal.......

Yet I read here....I read what is happening with you Mark and with others and what they face....there is no purpose in me, or my thoughts....so I pray....I pray....I pray....sometimes that is all there is....I am shunned in my own Self....so I pray....

[Peter B]

Hello all,
Phil, you mentioned that there were many "bad" people who used to frequent this board back in the day. While yes, there may have been some, I find it amazing that a few bad apples can spoil the whole barrel. This is true throughout the course of history. The bad ones are so loud that it paints a negative picture on everytone. I think one of the better examples of this is during the 1800's when much of NYC was being "overrun" by the Irish immigrants. Because of the few alcohol swilling, nasty criminal Irish were reeking havoc, ALL Irish were branded as mean, drunken thieves. I don't mean to sound like a bigot but they were often called "green ******s" (it didn't feel right to even type the word).
My point is the ratio of decent people to indecent have been quite large.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent. With regard to depression there are quite a few instances in my life where that dark cloud has almost ruined my life. In fact had I not had any children I wouldn't even be here right now. It's sad, but true. In my opinion the mental agony of depression is, in many ways, worse than physical pain. Thankfully we live in an age when medication is available to lessen the effects of both kinds of pain.
One of the most daunting problems a depressed person faces is not being able to pinpoint the cause of the agony. Historically for me it usual surfaces after a series of seemingly insignificant events have taken place, or so I believe. My pharmacist maintains that its all about brain chemicals. I can't argue with him because the meds I take regulate these chemicals.
All I know is that I know exactly how a depressed person feels. When I'm at my worst getting up to use the bathroom is a major chore. Never mind getting up to get something to eat. Forget it. Personal hygiene seems to take a back seat as well. I'm a little embarrassed to say that but its' the truth. When I'm depressed nothing matters.
I'm going to stop now because If I continue, I'm going to put myself into a funk I'd rather not experience.

Have a great day, All
Pete

[Nana4&cntn]

Hummer and Pete,

Thank you for sharing, Hummer I understand how the lack of cerebral spinal fluid feels, although not for more than a few days. I cannot imagine just how much pain you must be in. I am very happy to hear you have a wonderful feel for nature and a gift for it. That is reason to goto the doc, to relieve some pain and live for Nature. Use nature as your therapy. Continue to pray for yourself, unshun yourself,I know this is harder than it sounds, you do have worth, what you need to find is self worth, with nature I think you can find it. on the days you are able share and reap with nature.

Pete,

I am sure there are more than several of us who have been in so far,as we were unwilling to take the time or effort to eat, clean or do personal hygiene. I know there are days when the only time I even can make myself get up is to go to the bathroom. It is helpful to pinpoint the reason for depression, yes, but it is Not mandatory.

I hope both of you have a good day, of find one thing you enjoy. For me the birds make me thankful, sometimes just the sound of them make me smile.
,
Take care,
Kathy

[debhun]

Mark

I seen your post a few days ago. I wasn't going to post. There is no really help you or any one can give me other than just a friend to lean a ear. I hope you Can help the ones that have posed here and I wish them the best. It is hard to live in depression most of my life. It start back when I was a child. I was abused by my grandfather and was raped at the age of 13 by a cop that lived around the Conner from my home. We just move down there a few months before from NC. I never told any one. Then I got married at the age of 17. My husband and I got along really good till our daughter was born. After that I was being raped by him. I tried every thing. He told me I had the problem. So being young I thought it was me. I thought well maybe I can buy something really sexy it would change things in my head. But it didn't. It got to the place to where I couldn't stand him to touch me at all. I would shy away if he tried to hug me or kiss me in front of people. My own mom asked me why I did that. I told her I didn't know why. Then after my son was born I started drinking. I know now I was try to cover the pain. But I couldn't leave him cause of the kids so young. Then my migraines started and was having trouble with my low back. For years I didn't do any thing about my back pain. Then he got out of the USAF and we moved to NC. He still raping me over and over the years. then I moved to the farm with out him. He stayed in Raleigh to work. He would come home on week-ends. I had a job and loved it. But when the week-ends got here I was scared to what would be next. One night in his Raping me Like always ripping my pants off. I snapped. I told him I wanted him out of my house. But he didn't do so. No one believed me about him. So I moved out of my mom and dad's farm house. He got to stay. And when my parents came up from Fla he was there not me. Now tell me how it feels for your own parents not to be own my side but his. Then I met My husband now. We started to do thing together. He lesson to me as I told him what I had been though in my life. He never asked for sex. He would hug me but that was all for a very long time. My life was getting better and I was happy. Then I started to have trouble moving my neck and have a lot of migraines. My pain in my back and neck was get worse. I have bad feeling still against my X for what he did to me all the years 23 of them. Now I have 1 of my daughters that use to love me and would do any thing for me till she move to Fla to where her dad is at. What he has told her I don't know. But I know one is that I wouldn't work and I was lazy and did nothing. Here is a part of a email back in o6 from that day on we don't speak.

They would do anything for Andrew and you know it!!! But you have to stop putting these things in Andrews head... I'm soooo tired of listening to you say how much you want Dad and Andrew to have a relationship with each other, when you are the one that has always kept them apart! Andrew did not get to grow up with daddy like us girls did. He does not know that the reason why he was never home was because he was always working 2 & 3 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table because you didn't want to work or couldn't keep a job. Now Andrew wants nothing to do with his father cause you tell him that dad wants nothing to to with him and that he doesn't want to help... when that is soooo far from the truth!!!! Dad wants the best for Andrew and tried to give that to him when he lived here, but Andrew does not know what discipline is because you always want to be the FRIEND and not the parent. They punished him when he did wrong instead of just telling him not to do it again. Thats not how it works mom. Dad and Audra tried to teach Andrew that you have to work hard for everything that you want so you can go some where in life that way Andrew did not end up a stock boy or a dishwasher for the rest of his life. And that is where he is headed. Do I think that all of dad's methods were right? No. but at lease he tried. And Yes dad does have a new life and it is a better life then he has ever had and i am sooo happy that he has finally found the happiness that he deserves. But you know you fuss about Audra if she says anything but you need to remember that its that same with Greg. I don't agree with Greg having any say just like you don't agree with Audra. But its the same thing.

You may not want anything from my dad and that is fine, but Andrew is dad's son too and you need to stop feeding Andrew Bull **** (truth or not) about dad. What has happened between you and dad is in the past and that is where it should stay. There is NO reason for you to share with your Children what you have. So just STOP!!

I love you and I'm sorry and this should have been said a long time ago, but i have finally had enough. you can be mad at me or what ever but i'm not going to sit by anymore and just let the pieces fall as they may. If you are wrong i'll tell you if daddy is wrong i'll tell him if Audra or Andrew is wrong i'll tell them to, but STOP adding fuel to the fire. You are the one that left daddy you are the one that broke his heart... not the other way around. So Stop.

Love Christina And till this day his father doesn't help him at all. He is trying to go to collage and has no job and can't fine one. So hubby does what he can with his gas there and back. X has bought his stepdaughter 3 cars and she is younger than my son. He needs a new one but has to deal with what he has. Now tell me where he is helpping? The child he depressed himself.


So you see she don't care or want to know what her dad is. I am scum.
Then with my hubby now. He had a bad head trauma and some of you all know what can happen with a TBI. He though me across the room a few times. That is when I learn to keep my mouth shut. But he got help and over the year things have been good with us till a year ago. I don't know when it really started back. He hasn't hit me but does do mine games with me. I can't have any money but he will get things if I ask most of the time. I can't leave the house with out him. I can go on and on. I wouldn't know how it would feel to be out of depression.
Like some one said here about the economy sucks. I Hubby lost his job in Aug and still has not got a job yet. Only with a temp co.

So you see Mark there is nothing you or any one else can do about my life. I am 52 years old and I should be happy and be going place and doing the things I enjoy. And go see my kids and spend time with them. But I can't when some don't want to give me the time of day.

Something happen a week ago. My younger brother told lies to my Mom and Dad to whom was in Fla with him for his daughter wedding. Said I called my aunt's and uncle up said that No one loves me. Etc.. I was pissed. I wouldn't tell any one what I just wrote you all. I tried to when I left my X but you see who the picked and it wasn't me. I see why a lot of women don't go to the cops now. Because no one would believe them. It is a shame my own family don't. I can say my x was a good father. But what went behind closed doors no one will ever know what I went though and still do in my mine.

Mark I know you are only trying to help and I hope that you can help most if not all who have posted here. But me I and to far gone. I just live day by day. Stay in my coner out of people way.
If you hav't seen me much on here is because I don't want to sound like I am a whinner all the time. You all the only ones are can write what I just wrote. If I did this on my space OMG I would get yelled at by my kids.

Will back to the wash and clean up livingroom.

I love you all and I can write how I feel here. Thank you This is the only board I read or write on. you are the best.

Deb

[Mark N]

Linda, sorry to hear of your financial situation as being faced with your situation causes stress even in the best of situations. It is hard to do volunteer work because we can't be commit to specific days. It is one of the unfair aspects of our situation. Things that could help us and get us out of the house aren't things we are able to do any more.

It is easy to not like who we are because our disease takes away who we are. We have to readjust to the different person we become, one that is unable to do the things that we use to value. We still have purpose but it isn't easy to see that especially as we get more and more homebound.

Kathy, it is common to feel anger that you didn't realize was there. I know that repressed anger needs to find an appropriate outlet but what outlet do we have.
It is good to have an outlet and if this is the place to safely let it out I hope you take advantage of this post.

Hummer , double sided tape is an interesting way to describe what you are feeling. The feeling of joy is often letting the bad things in our life slide away while focusing on the good things in our life. Thank you for thinking of what I am going through. I am still finding joy in my life and maintaining my balance but I see the anguish my wife feels and I see the pain of depression.

Pete, It is always a few that spoil things and that is what I know about the wild old forum. There are things I loved about the old forum but there were a few trolls making life tough on posters along and you could count on a few nasty responses to postings.
It is good that you recognize what triggers your bouts of depression. Staying away from things that cause your bouts is a good strategy.

Thank you to all that have come and given me some insight into depression and I hope it has helped you start to let out what is bothering.

[Cervie Barb]

Boy, suede and hummer, I can sure relate to your posts. I know money can't buy happiness ( or luuuuv ) , but enough to survive would help, eh? Wish there was something I could say to make it better for you two, but I'm right there myself. Just hang on, and we'll hope something miraculous happens. It could!

Big (((hugs))) to debhun. Lord, sometimes you just gotta divorce most of your family. Take care.

[Peter B]

Deb,
I am overwhelmed by the situation you are in. Sounds as if someone put you in a jail and threw the key away. I'm speechless. Literally.

Pete

[debhun]

Peter B

That was the hardest thing I had to ever write. I have really nevre put it down on paper so to speak. There is more but that is or was my life is. What do I do? Dave GF knows what I feel I bet. Thanks Peter B

[Nana4&cntn]

I am sorry your Mother died and on your birthday! I think it is very appropriate to ask your doc for something to deal with everything that is going on. You are not a dud. Everyone grieves in their own way. The doctor could prescribe something for situational depression. Something to calm you and something to help you sleep.
Thank you for reaching out! This is a wonderful group of people, you have support here anytime you need.

Please take care of yourself,
Kathy

[Mark N]

Deb, I don't think I have the ability to help you or others because I don't know enough about anyone's lives or the training to try and help. I just saw so many dropping off the board as their depression worsened ad I hoped to give them a post to respond to and see others that are suffering in the same way.

I am so sorry reading your post but there is so much involved that I can't comment other than to say I feel for your situation and all you have been through. You have been through a lot and I am glad you had the courage to write the post you did. It isn't as easy to write out our concerns and fears like it is to talk about our pain and treatments. So much of the time it seems like we have no outlet for the sadness or depression we feel. You said it took a lot of nerve to write it and I agree that you showed a lot of nerve. I can't imagine feeling brave enough to write out your story. It does take courage to put down on paper the story of your life.

Neckbaby, I am sorry to hear about your mother. It is hard dealing with the death of one of our parents. Someone we counted on isn't there any more. To make matters worse, we can't do everything we would like to help take care of matters while they are sick and after they die. I know you are hurting and you will always feel some sense of loss. Work your way through each day and if you need to see your doctor go and see what he say. I am sorry for your loss and I hope that the memory of your mother helps you deal with the loss.

[debhun]

Mark you did good by doing so. As always you are a good man. I hope your wife knows what she might lose. You are a very careing person. I see in your post how much you love her. Keep the good work up.

Hugs
Deb

[shotspine]

I just want to reach out and give big LOVING hugs to each of you. I have lived most of your lives at one time or another. The family stuff, losing both my parents (my Mom when I was only 18) and my Dad (he was my idol and my rock just 5 years ago. That was the worst and a very sad story I can't bring myself to talk about yet. He died of just old age but the manner in which he died was criminal, IMHO at a nursing home.

I married a man that beat the #@## out of me on a regular basis but got out before it ruined my whole life. The next 2 boyfriends were similar so I found being single was best for me. A great decision for me!!!

My daughter, from my husband, is bipolar and made motherhood anything but joyful. I love her with every fiber of my being but I can't count on her for anything. She loves me too, just too convenient to make me look bad to gain sympathy and get whatever she wanted from others. The relationship would take a novel so I'm going to just leave it here. We talk often and lovingly, but I never know when the axe will drop again.

I've worked since I was 11 babysitting, then by 14 was working after school and full time summers in my Dad's office, while my older brother and younger sister were enjoying summer with their friends. Never ever been out of work until 2000 when I just could not do it anymore. I was self-employed, made a comfortable (barely) living but loved every minute of it. Owned my dream home (small but a location to die for). Lost it all to disability. I never ever asked for anything from anyone I didn't make sure got paid back, with interest. I was always the one giving to anyone that asked, or even suggested they may need something. What happened to Good Karma?

I can't survive on my SSD so my brother offered to pay me to do some comuter work (commission). Bad decision and another long story. Both sister and brother are very wealthy and keep in touch, etc. and appear to love me.......but....help me with a very small amt of money each month to help me stay in a livable situation. Not happening unless I can produce for them. Well, I tried and tried......not good enough.......so.....as of next month I may be without computer and tv and phone, plus other necessities. We'll see if they let me sink.

They are unhappy right now because I'm not keeping in touch. Why would I want to? I've been very sick for months (not to mention pain never less than 7/8). Just getting thru each day is a big deal. I've always been really strong, totally independent, active and adventurous. This needing help is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, even worse than the battered wife times. Then I could leave, now I can't work my way through this. I am constantly aware of my emotions so I don't fall off the cliff.

I'm not going to go back and read this so hope it makes sense. I will be deleting it tomorrow as I sure don't want my family ever reading this.

Debhun....and any others that it might help.....check out the Domestic Violence forum here. It used to be very active before the big crash. Not so much now, but there is still lots of good information and those that need a place to really vent abuse issues, it would be great to see that forum get active again.

Love to you all. Thanks for listening if you got this far.

ss

[Peter B]

After reading the responses on this thread I feel like an absolute *** for whining about ANYTHING I go thru. Some of the people here are amazingly strong. What gives you the strength? My mom died when I was 24 years old. That was almost 22 years ago. There have been many occasions when I would love to have asked her about this. She was strong too. I, simultaneously feel ashamed and inspired by some of these women. Hows' that for a bit of incongruity?
All I can say is WOW.


As always, pain free days,
Pete

[Nana4&cntn]

Peter,

No one would think you are whining. There is nothing wrong spilling your guts when you are depressed. We are not as strong as you think, mine come from years of help. People are depressed for many reasons, hell, Chronic Pain is so depressing all by it's self! I am so sorry you lost your Mom died at such an early age. Please spill, it does not make you a wimp.

Take care and be good to yourself,:)
Kathy

[Mark N]

Peter, Kathy is right so I hope you don't feel wimpy as this isn't any kind of a comparison of who has it worse. Most of us have gone through some tough times in our lives and to each of us it was difficult. Yes there are people whose story shows they have been tough to get through their lives.

SS, what you wrote makes sense and I am sorry you have gone through so much violence in your life along with the tragedy of losing your mom early in life.
It is clear that your dad's death has impacted you. It is sad to hear of your current financial condition and I hope you get some help soon. It is one thing to be able to work for the $$ but another if you are unable to work for it. I wish your brother could see the difference and help you out.

[Mary Diane]

when the people who should be loving you the most and sheltering you from the big, old world are the very ones who are hurting you the most. No one should steal the innocence from a young life. I'm so sorry that you weren't protected by yourcaretakers.

To those of you who lost your loved ones, I'm so sorry.. Thoughts, hugs, and prayers to you.

I wasn't going to post anything tonight because I'm in a really bad flare, but this thread really called to me. The depth of the hole that the depression of loss, combined with CP, combined with the clinical depression that so many of us suffer from; can easily rival the oft touted black hole from space. We just muddle through with the help of our friends. Two yrs ago this month, my friends on the old forum helped me get through the death of my DH, just 6 months short of our 25th anniversary. Our oldest daughter graduated from college, our youngest got married, we sold the house. I moved back in with my parents, (shudder). I hired a lawyer for my disability, our oldest daughter is enlisting in the USAF. Our youngest and her hubby plan on relocating and moving me in with them so I can be their babysitter. (LOL)

Did I mention that I got the notice that I was losing my long term disability the week after DH's funeral. Does The Hartford have good timing or what? So at age 53, my parents and my kids are supporting me because I have to wait for a court date for my disability hearing. I hate my life. But, sometimes, my nieces bring their kids down, and they're all so excited to come see me. They think I'm wonderful, which, of course, I am. LOL I am one of the few adults in the whole world who takes the time to listen to them. I can't hold them on my lap. so I let them sit on the table, and I teach them silly little songs about baby bumble bees and boa constrictors and little bunny foo-foo. Important things that no one else knows LOL. That's how traditions get started. So, once in awhile, the black hole gets a glimmer of light, and I have a ray of sunshine. But, if I reach into my heart and pull all those little rays of sunshine together, I find it gives me a beacon of hope.

Dang, I almost feel like I should have put on my waders, LOL! But, I think you all know what I mean.

I used to say on the old forum that the ability to laugh at ourselves was
God's way of keeping us sane. May God bless you and keep you, and may the road rise up to greet you. Happy St. Patrick's Day to all you who are Irish, and those who only WISH you were!!!

Love, weak, one-armed hugs, smooches,

Mary Diane *cg06

[Mark N]

Mary Diane, what a wonderful post, I am glad you were called to post a reply. I remember your story as it was happening and how bad it was when your DH died only to be followed up with the LTD problem.

You are right that the children can give us the light to know that there is a way out of the dark hole of depression. Thank you for the things you posted and I wish you the best. Thankfully your daughter and her husband have a place for you in there home.

[BrokenBladder]

Mark it was very thoughtful of you to start this thread.

I've been in this dark hole with depression for several weeks now and can't seem to shake it. I've been depressed before in my life, but never as bad as I am now. Why did this hit me and why did it hit me so hard? The honest answer is that I don't know.

Throughout my life there has been alot of turmoil and many things for me to overcome and I did it without the depression that I feel now.

My past included a father who raped me from the ages of 5-9 and the only reason it stopped at age 9 was because he died. My mother was an alcoholic and wasn't even in my life when my father passed away which left me living with an aunt and uncle that were in their 70's. At age 11 my mother decided she wanted me back and I was so excited to go with her but the heartbreaking part of that was that she was back to drinking only this time she had just had another baby by another husband, my sister whom quickly became my sole responsibility. I managed to go to school and many days I took my sister with me. My step father died and my mother went crazy and stayed away from home for days at a time leaving me to care for my sister alone. Then there was light. She met a married a man whom I loved dearly and he was a recovering alcoholic so I really believed this time she would get clean and stay clean. Nope. She had another baby at the age of 40, my brother who is 17 years younger than I. So now there is another baby for me to care for as she started drinking heavy again. I got married and moved out but things were so bad with my family. As the years went on I became the sole caregiver to my mother, my sister, and my brother along with my husband and two boys. I owned my own business and worked every single day there to try and build it up. The stress was unbelieveable but somehow I stuggled through it. During this time my sister grew up and moved out of my house and so did my brother. My mother was with me and pushed me to the limit every single day. Between her drinking and her temper it was making me a wreak. Still I did the very best for her and then she died. I was so lost without her even though she was such a burden. I was having CP when she died, but had ignored taking care of myself so that I could care for her. By the time I got around to ME there was already alot of damage done to my bladder. Suddenly I couldn't work and had no income other than my husband and he resented me so much because my family had such a big part of my life. After 21 years we divorced and I did remarry in 2003. Now I deal with my two teenage boys and my ex but my life is alot less busy than it used to be.

To me, CP has been worse than the rest of my life. I loved woking and helping people and I've always been a people person. The fact that I can't get out much and that I have lost all but 2 of my friends has been so hard. Financially things are really bad and I don't see an end in sight.

So I ask myself, why this deep dark depression now? I don't know but I know it's bad and I need help. To teel the truth asking for help isn't something that I'm good at. I spent my whole life finding a way to work things out on my own and now I realize that I have no skills when it comes to talking to people about ME.

Thanks for listening and thanks for starting this thread. I needed this and I needed to let out some of my past.

[Peter B]

This may sound a bit strange but I am astounded again by yet another story of someone's life. I am amazed at the stories told here about the levels of human endurance and perseverance. I was raised by a very strong woman so have essentially considered myself as a bit of a feminist. I've always maintained that women have the upper hand over men with regard to many aspects of life. The heart breaking experiences shared here (with much understandable difficulty) just proves what I have always believed about the strength of women. These stories blow me away. Truly inspiring.

Pete

[Mark N]

Lisa, it is good to see you back on the forum. I am sorry to hear you are dealing with such a dark depression but it must be in the air as others here have stated their depression and my wife just told me she is depressed again for some unknown reason. The fact that you are depressed isn't amazing, based on the story of your life, but that you have avoided it for so many years of your life is amazing.

Reading the stories here makes me even more thankful for the family I grew up with. We were far from perfect but at least we were loved and shown that we were people worthy of love. It is hard to imagine parents doing some of the things that have been done and it is too bad that it creates such problems for the kids years later. Why have so many forgotten that they should provide a safe environment for their children to grow and develop as a healthy happy person?

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi All,

I am sooo very sorry you had to endure all you did. Lisa, depression sneaks up on us like the flu only a million times worse! I went through many of the things you did although my mom was not a drunk, she was a workaholic. I really hope you consider counseling as depression can compound many health issues, sleeping, and flashbacks etc. I finally have dealt with my issues from the past, now I am dealing with the depression that comes with CP. I am willing to help you find the best type of therapy for dealing with child sexual abuse and the other abuses that come with it. I have some real trust issues that remain. Also some flashbacks very infrequently. But over all I am dealing. I have good and bad days the same as others. I truly believe Therapy is needed, with all you went through. That is just my opinion."

I hope you feel better soon, Thank you so much for sharing.
Kathy

[Kathi49]

Peter,

On behalf of myself and perhaps other women, I want to say thank you. I, too, was raised by a very strong mother. And I have had some crisis moments in my life, depression, etc. But I always fell back on the teachings of my mother...she is and was my role model. :) I don't know how she endured some of the things she did but I know this much...she put up with a lot until she could make her move. None of it was physical; more emotional...but still she has a very strong will. Anyway, all of the women or girls in my family always laugh and talk about how the "females" of the group are strong or are fighters. I like to use the term feisty. But in all seriousness, when I am down or don't know where or how to turn...I think of the things she would have said or done. And even at age 51 I will still ask her opinions about things. :) And I admire a lot of the women here too; men as well.

[Mary Diane]

for complaining about my life. I was thinking that I had a hard life, until I compared it to others. Shame on you for making me take a good look at myself. (Just kidding!!!) I grew up as the only girl with 4 brothers, in an extended family of all girls, so I was NOT spoiled!! IMHO So I always felt like the long-suffering Cinderella, because the boys didn't have to do housework.

We all grew up thinking that our family was normal, and then found out after 40 years we were dysfunctional. But, we took a vote one Christmas, when we finally had a quoroum (?), and decided that dysfunctional is the NEW normal. Or maybe that was New Year's Eve? Sorry... Anyway, there are people that I have known who have had normal childhoods, and haven't survived, as all of you have. You have triumphed. You may be bruised and battered, and in despair, but you are still here. Which is where you will stay with the grace of God, good friends, pain meds, and chocolate.

One-armed hugs and kisses, and please don't check my spelling or grammar LOL
Mary Diane *cg06

[Cats Meow]

Mark,

Sorry for not replying sooner I have been reading and every time I go to respond well I get distracted… (Go figure!) Your right I am my own worst critic :p and I always analyze my actions trying to figure out what other approaches I should have taken or not and I will dwell on it. I am not sure what I would consider myself nor would I even want to consider myself anything at all besides just me (self analyzing again!) :eek:.

The thing is I really don’t consider this situation to be any worse or better from anything I have been through before but I am defiantly having the affects of panic. Honestly I think it is self induced I do bring it on myself and I am very aware of this. I know I can and I will get over this the thing that gets me is what way would be the best approach I’m trying to make the most logical decisions and come up with the solutions the catch is I have more problems then solutions right now and I want everything fixed and I am being inpatient (one of my many bad qualities’.. Ha ;)).

As for the in-laws I have never had much of an issue with them before and they have made suggestions about how we live and what we should or should not do and I do keep an open mind and they know I’m the one whom makes the decisions in our household and they have always trusted my decisions but a few days ago they spoke with my husband and they told him he should go on disability and they did not think he was capable of working anymore. Well this drove a wedge between him and I and I have tried to explain to him (and his parents) that it’s not as easy as you think. Lets just say he did some how manage to get approved what would he do all day? They don’t live with him. I know how he gets he can’t sit still he gets fidgety and bored and he would be calling me all day whining about being bored and nothing to do. Of course they argued that he had been on disability before but well it is really hard for someone to take care of himself or herself when they’re in a coma! So yes no wonder he was approved before and that disability check was not much and they certainly would not match what he makes now. And one of the most important things is they forget a doctor would have to deem him disabled all they have said thus far is short-term disability…. Obviously they aren’t seeing the whole picture.

Well sorry about ranting about that it was something that really irked me and if someone is capable of working then by all means they should but there are so many people whom are unable to work and can’t get approved. Then again not saying as years pass his condition would worsen which I am well aware of this but as I see it now at 31 years old and can manage working with therapy and medication and once he does get to that point then we will seek out the disability option.

As far as me having someone to open up to I do but I do not exercise that which I really should but that fear of embarrassment and showing weakness just burdens me immensely. Even coming on here and opening up is “out of character” for me but when I started reading here at first I had only planned on asking questions pertaining to our current medical situation and get opinions but then this accident happened and his break down and well I’m not sure anymore… I mean I think I have an idea but it seems out of reach.

The funny thing is you never know what will happen next I suppose that’s what makes things exciting and adventurous. Yes I realize it is a very twisted way to look at it this is how I have coped with everything for so long. Plus when I go to tell people I say it with such enthusiasm and humor most don’t believe me… works for me cause I don’t believe half the crap I’ve been through ether!



I’m glad to hear your wife is taking steps to get help I’m sure that was a huge step for her. I’m nowhere close to those steps yet I think I took a detour! And while maybe it should have been done years ago you know what if she never took those steps I would much rather say it should have been done years ago then saying she NEVER to the initiative. I’m glad you are also working to correct some of the mistakes you may have made and while you say you believe some of your actions may have contributed. I believe the same holds true in my case while I try my best to help and encourage my husband I’m sure the way I may have stated it may have been more of a venomous way and it was never meant to be hurtful or discouraging but I did not think before I spoke and in return I may have emotionally hurt the one whom I love. Change is hard but not impossible but I’ve said that many times to myself and it still falls upon deaf ears.



Well if anyone actually read through all that I typed and not fall asleep I want to say my heart goes out to everyone on here and as I read through your stories I wish I could express my feelings through typed words. *heart


P.S. I really hope this makes sence :o

[debhun]

for complaining about my life. I was thinking that I had a hard life, until I compared it to others. Shame on you for making me take a good look at myself. (Just kidding!!!) I grew up as the only girl with 4 brothers, in an extended family of all girls, so I was NOT spoiled!! IMHO So I always felt like the long-suffering Cinderella, because the boys didn't have to do housework.

We all grew up thinking that our family was normal, and then found out after 40 years we were dysfunctional. But, we took a vote one Christmas, when we finally had a quoroum (?), and decided that dysfunctional is the NEW normal. Or maybe that was New Year's Eve? Sorry... Anyway, there are people that I have known who have had normal childhoods, and haven't survived, as all of you have. You have triumphed. You may be bruised and battered, and in despair, but you are still here. Which is where you will stay with the grace of God, good friends, pain meds, and chocolate.

One-armed hugs and kisses, and please don't check my spelling or grammar LOL
Mary Diane *cg06

LOL Mary Diane. I too is the only girl with 2 brothers and the only granddaughter on both sides of the family. I wasn't spoiled. I wish I was. But I think that is my fault too. My mom tells me that when I was very young I didn't want any one to touch me. I would like to know what is Normal?

Loved your post and as far as grammar and spelling goes I can say Thank you God for spell check. Grammar will it is out there was where.

Hugs
Deb*cg18

[Mark N]

CM, your post made sense to me but that doesn't guarantee it makes sense:D.
I am very happy my wife is working on her anxiety no matter how late it is. I will take any improvements we can make to improve our lives.

Sounds like you in-laws are thinking his earlier experience with disability will be the same this time. I was worried about being bored and needing to be active but I have found that my pain and meds have kept me from becoming bored. I used to always need to be doing something but now I have hours where I can't do anything so maybe your DH won't be as bad as you think.

I find myself being impatient too when it comes to fixing problems. I can understand your impatience and the need to get things back to how they were. It is my biggest obstacle right now. I want things with my wife to be fixed now but it doesn't happen that way even when I would like it to.

[911]

Mark , good topic , sorry i have been slow to post , i am doing good but i have fought depresion and nearly lost many times but i know it affects an awful lot of us who have chronic pain or other problems in life and even some who seemingly have no problems but nonetheless depresion affects alot of people , thankfully i am ok right now , hope everyone else is ok ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Dave

[BrokenBladder]

Cat's Meow,

First let me say I made it through your post without even yawning, LOL!!!
I'm sorry but I'm not sure what's wrong with your husband physically so I don't know why he's on short term disability or why he was in the past. It sounds like for the most part you do have a good relationship with your in law's, which is always a good thing. I've had high anxiety for as far back as I can remember. In fact when I was 9 years old and my father passed away our family doctor gave my aunt Valium to calm me down. Of course that was back in 1974....oops I just gave my age away, LOL!! Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to the anxiety issue.

Mark,

Thanks for the big welcome back!! I feel like I just lost the last month of my life, but things are starting to get better with the depression and I have been actively looking for a counselor.
I hope Penny gains enough strength to face her problems and come back home. I can only imagine how impatient you must feel, but God will take care of all of that for you.

Mary Diane

Thanks for the big hug!! I can use as many of those as I can get!!
Believe it or not I didn't realize that my family was so dysfunctional until I was about 8. I thought things were just the same with every other family. I guess in part this was because my father kept me from going anywhere other than school and now I know why. He didn't want me to tell anyone what he was doing to me, but at the time I thought he was just being protective.

[Mary Diane]

When I was pregnant for our first daughter, who will be 23 this year, I started growing my hair because my DH wanted it long. His was born and raised in Kentucky, and his mama had really long hair that she would put his hands in when he would fuss, so he would go back to sleep. I got REALLY annoyed with him messing with my hair. I finally got so I made him leave it alone if I had it in a ponytail.

Now, I hadn't had long hair since I was 4, until then, I was in my late 40s, but by golly I was not going to go gray. I was working at a casino, so I kept it this really great cherry-cola color, and it was more than half-way down my back. Then I had to be off work for 3-6 weeks, and I'm still not released to go back, LOL. It's been over 4 yrs now. A while ago, I decided to whack off some of my hair and was part way through when I looked at what I was doing and closed my eyes, and cut 2" more off on one side than the other. LOL A month ago, I finally gave up. I can't take care of long hair anymore. So, I decided to get my hair cut to shoulder length. Well, it's ear length.!!! I was stunned, but I didn't cry. However, people are beginning to really tick me off. They keep telling me how much younger I look with my hair cut. I say, does that mean you thought I looked old before???

LOLOLOL

This is a question you can't really win with the answer. I was just hoping to give everyone a bit of a giggle for the day.

The ability to laugh is God's way of keeping us sane.
Love, one-armed hugs,

Mary Diane


*cg06






*crawling *outhouse

[Kathi49]

Mary Diane,

I smiled at your post. :)

I had long hair for quite awhile; then shoulder length for many years. And finally, about 4 years ago even shorter still but more in what I call a "flippy doo". The real reason I did it was to make it easier on the docs to give injections in my neck. Not that they said anything...but what the heck...it was much easier on me anyway. And I heard the same thing...how much younger I looked. I honestly don't think I every really looked old because the girls in our family all have baby faces anyway LOL! I think what it is and having watched a lot of makeover shows lol, it DOES make you look younger. You know what I mean. And don't get me wrong I love long hair. But when you see them take someone; give them a shorter and BRIGHTER hair doo with highlights I mean and put on just a little makeup...what a difference! As a side note I was watching that John and Kate Plus 8 show last night. During this episode her hair was brown but was still short. She was having surgery. But as soon she recovered, she had another hair cut and had highlights put on and of course new makeup and a new outfit. She ended up looking darn cute. Her kids didn't know what to make of it though LOL!

Anyway, I think it is just a matter of what people like. As I said, I love long hair but I like short hair too and I DO think it depends on the shape of your face too as to what styles look good. And again, I just did it to make life easier on me and the doc. :) And I don't know if I will ever get the guts to let it go completely gray but have friends who have. One lady has silvery gray hair with a cute short hair style and I am jealous. It looks really good believe it or not. :)

[Mark N]

Mary Diane, thanks for making me smile:). I hadn't thought of it that way but maybe the reason women go from long hair when they are younger to shorter styles later on is it does make them look younger.

[Kathi49]

And easier Mark LOL! :) I no longer have to use hot rollers so that's a good thing and a lot less time consuming.

[Mark N]

Kathi, yes I know short hair is easier to deal with as my wife had a short hairstyle while she was pregnant so she didn't have to spend much time on her hair.

[Peter B]

Since we're essentially off the topic of depression I thought I'd stick my 2 cents in. I believe, perhaps because it's uncommon, that older women don't look right with long hair. I think the reason that older women cut it short it that yes, it does make them look younger. I can't think of any older woman who has long hair. I had a nurse practitioner who had long hair that didn't look bad. I think it would have looked better if it were short but, who am I to judge? She was 59 at the time. That was a few years ago. I think people in general look much younger than they did back in the day. I just mentioned the other day that when I was a child it was easy to tell that a 60 year old person was that age. Now, a 60 year old may look 40. I couldn't even begin to count how many instances of this has occurred in the past few years.

Pain free days,
Pete

[hummer]

I have long hair...It is almost all silver, now....I think I look, right....I can't imagine me with short hair...though I have wished for dreadlocks for years, but my husband BEGS me not to....my hair is short on one side where they shaved it when I had my brain injury I just kept the cut the same...All hair that grew back at the site of my injury was pure white....my husband said horses hair grows back white at the spot of their injuries, too....I have things braided into my hair that are prayers....the rest of it is to my waist....I have thought of cutting it all off, but my husband begs me not to cut it, either....

My doctors wife has helped me untangle my hair before...she tells me I have the softest most beautiful hair she has ever seen....I have no intention of ever coloring my hair....as we get older our skin changes and silver white hair is the most flattering to the changes that occur.....I do not fight aging...in any way....it is a fact of life...when I was 35 the doctors told me my injury caused me to have the physical abilities of an 80 year old woman....and to adjust....so...it seems I have been OLD most of my life....

Many cultures do not cut their hair....I had a 'First Peoples' friend tell me that the woman of her tribe save all of their hair...any that is cut trimmed or taken from their brushes....it is all saved and when they die they make a pillow from that hair and that is what their heads rest upon......

Blessings on us all.........

[Mark N]

Hummer, I can picture your long silver hair and I wouldn't want you to cut it either. I hope that if you ever do, you donate your hair to one of the groups that make wigs for cancer patients.

I am having a tough day today as being patient isn't easy. My wife is making great strides and working hard to improve. If she were here at home I would be thrilled but since she still has her own place I am struggling. I see the improvements and know I need to give her time but some times I wish my feelings and concerns were as important as hers. It hurts not having her here, not hearing her moving around the house, and not getting to see her. It would be great to hear she misses us and is ready to move back. I just wish she would work on her anxiety program here as she is having as many problems with depression and fear out on her own. I know she wants to come back and still loves me but is afraid she will fail if she doesn't develop the skills from her anxiety program. I can see her point I just am ready to unleash and let loose on something tonight. I will just have to dream that I am expressing myself and yelling all I want to yell.

Thanks for letting me get this out as I was ready to bust but I seem to have let the steam off now.

[Peter B]

Mark, I understand, totally, what you are feeling. It must hurt not to have someone you love away. But you know, better than I, that she should take as long as necessary to ensure success at what she's trying to do. I know intellectually you understand this but emotionally, it sucks. This is one of those human instances where there is a conflict with what the smart thing to do is versus what you FEEL like doing.
I wish you and Penny continued luck.

Pete

[Mark N]

Pete, thanks, you have nailed it exactly. I know she is trying to do the right thing it is just hard to deal with her not being here especially since she doesn't say she is eager to get back or anything like that. It would help a lot if she would express her desire to get back and how much she misses us. I know she is dealing with a lot of painful things right now which makes it better for her to be alone right now. I just love her so much plus I want to help and know that she is doing ok. Although I can be patient it isn't easy for me to do.

People like you are what makes this site so good. My wife has an opportunity to join a group with her anxiety program but is too afraid to join it right now. I encourage her to do it but she isn't willing to right now. I would feel much better about her if she could talk to others and see she isn't alone and to see the issues it has caused them and their relationships.

[Nana4&cntn]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you Mark, I understand how frustrating this must be for you and I am also happy you let some of out. I admire you strength and patience to provide Penny the time and space to do what she needs to learn. Your going thru counseling will help you also. I wish I had the wisdom years ago to allow my husband to deal with things in his life. He didn't think or know he had problems until a couple of years ago. I am happy he is remarried and doing well. So keep being strong and come here when you want to blow. This has been a good thread, and you started it, so use it. We all Love you here and will listen all you want.

Hummer I agree with Mark if you ever cut your hair, have them cut it with a pony tail and send it to "Locks Of Love" My Daughter and I have each donated twice.

This is for anyone wanting to cut their long hair. It takes at least 10 inches or more. you can find the address on the web at www.Locks (http://www.Lock)ofLove/donate@LOL.org. This is a wonderful organization they use your hair to create hair pieces/wigs for for children with cancer under 18. They will take any color or type of hair.

Take care all,
Kathy

[Mark N]

Kathy, thanks for the support. It always helps me to come here knowing I will find people that will listen and care. It is better to come here and let it out instead of turning on someone here at home or holding it in to build until I can't hold it any more. You are one of the ones that make this a special place to be.

[Mary Diane]

I miss my long hair, and the ability to take care of it. And how I could self-comfort myself with. I used to run strands of it through my fingers when I was reading something that I had to learn, or when I was upset or sad. I always wore mine loose, unless it was really hot, until my CP. Then I usually wore it in a bun on top of my head with one of a variety of my fake hair pieces. I have lots of wild colors, and strange lengths with beads, etc. in them!!! My hair usually drew attention from the pillow I carry under my arm for support and cradling. Anyway, now I have all these hair pieces that I can't use. LOL

I have saved my ponytails. They live in the safe with my DH's ashes. If I am ever financially solvent, they'll be interred together.

I just thought about that last sentence, and I hope you take it in the spirit it is given, and chuckle. My girls are always threatening to fill out some form or other with their father's address as in the safe at grandma's house, so it really is a standing joke now. Where does your dad live, in the safe at gma's.
I know, they're strange girls, but they're mine, LOL

Mark N
Thanks for starting this thread, I feel better, just trying to think up things to make everyone else feel better.

The ability to laugh at ourselves is God's way of keeping us sane.

One-armed hugs and green eggs and ham,

Mary Diane *cg06

[Mark N]

Mary Diane, the ability to laugh at ourselves is an important trait to have. I can just hear the running joke the girls have about dad's ashes and mom's hair:). Thank you for being a part of this group and thread.

[Peter B]

Mark,
Doesn't your wife understand that joining a support forum doesn't obligate her to join in? I think just reading that others feel the same anxiety she feels would be of great help. Then again, you know better than I about what makes Penny tick. Her anxiety may not be caused by the same things as others but perhaps she won't feel so alone if she would just sit at the comp. and read about how others cope. Heck, she might even find someone who DOES have similar back rounds. You never know. Goodness knows that many people feel as if they're the only ones who have these feelings and have a mindset that says "I'm so alone, I'm never happy, I always have negative thoughts, I must be going insane?" causing further anxiety. Talk about your vicious circles.
Anyway, continued luck and continue to hold in your reins and be the strong one now. You certainly realize (or maybe not) how much Penny needs you right now. Are the kids basically numb to all of this? Have they been thru so much that they simply don't care much about it? I hate to make them sound heartless but I know from my own experience growing up, I reached a point that I didn't care that my parents fought so much. I absorbed so much stress over the years that I guess, as a psychological defense, I became numb to it. It's kind of sad, now that I look back.

Personally I think my kids are so used to their mother lashing out unreasonably, sometimes like an absolute mad woman that, It doesn't really phase them anymore. I believe they think that "oh boy, there she goes again". Meanwhile if I so much as speak authoritatively to them, their perception is that I'm yelling. Kind of funny in a "not so funny" way. If that makes any sense.
Anyway Mark, sorry to make this about me but you know exactly what I'm saying. It's time for me to shut up.


Here's wishing you continued luck,
Pete


P.S. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.

[hummer]

Mark......Because of my brain injuries I have spent years in 'mental' therapy....One of my doctors kept begging me to go to this one therapist...he said she would help me so much....kept giving me her card...but I wouldn't go...I was going to 2 therapists already...and I just didn't want to go to another one....but that doctor kept giving me her card....It had her photograph on it....

One day after about a year I said okay.....my other doctor called for me and set up the appointment....I am very glad I went....I had one on one sessions with her for quite some time when she told me that she was putting together a group, for group sessions....she felt it would be good for me....I didn't want to go....I was still struggling with the ability to speak...but finally I told her fine, I would go, but I wouldn't talk I would just listen......she told me...."Group therapy doesn't work unless you participate."

All of these words to say....You can't make your wife want to get help....and I do not know your situation in your personal relationship....I do not mean to be cruel but I feel concern for you when I read your words....in your words 'I' hear you living life WAITING for her to wake up and realize she loves all of you become healed and come home....Considering your wife's troubles and how she did it....it must have taken a lot for her to leave.....and to stay gone....I feel for you...I do very much....I just feel a LOT of concern about your waiting and wishing for her to come home....

I was two years into therapy when the doctor gave me the other therapists card for the first time and it was another year before I agreed to go to her...I was also intent, and driven, in the course of my own healing already....One of the main things I had to learn was that I had to acknowledge people for who and what they really were and accept that....instead of looking at people and giving them license in my mind for who I thought they could be.....we all have potential for so much...but that does meant that is how people are going to be....ever....Are you going to therapy for YOU...because I think it would be VERY beneficial for you....take it from a veteran of therapy..........

I would, after all of this, add that I found my frustrations, too much, to contain...though, because of my brain injury, I was encouraged to shout and shout obscenities, too....weird.....but I would go to the thrift store and buy cheap glasses and plates....

I had a spot on the property where there was a hole dug in the ground.....I would take my box of dishes to that spot and scream and yell out my frustrations while throwing the old dishes into this hole....I can't begin to describe how much that helped me...in letting go of frustration....

Holding frustration in.....isn't good....really....It's good that you don't take it out on your children, but it isn't good for you....There is some wondrous satisfaction in yelling and throwing and shattering dishes....especially if you aren't destroying something you love and you don't have to clean it up afterwards....it is cathartic....certainly a satisfying release...It might be good for your children too....I know I have written this before but it does work....It doesn't cure the problem, but it does give relief to frustration....

Because of my physical injuries I wasn't able to be very physical....I am still not to lift more than 2pounds...what a joke...but I would blow up huge balloons and my husband and I would hit them back and forth to each other...what started out as something to work on my hand and eye cordination turned into an exercise in the release of frustrations...you can whack at a balloon with all of your might and it isn't going to go far or hurt anyone or anything when it gets there....Your son and you might benefit from doing this together.....I have had teen age boys end up doing this together for hours panting heavily but laughing their heads off...It gets to be kind of addictive....especially if you are living with frustrations.......Lots of blathering done....but I want to help you......and know that I can't.....

I had two sisters with breast cancer....one died and one recovered....giving hair is something good to do....I bought my sister a few wigs and hundreds of scarves and yarns for croceted hats...my other sister did not lose her hair...and my sister who did...really didn't like the wigs....she went for the hats and scarves....I had 3 nieces who have donated their hair for wigs....one had hair to her knees....She let me take her out into the wilderness and photograph her in nothing, but her hair....they were beautiful...she likes her short hair...but I miss the beauty of it.........

I only comb my hair after I get out of the shower....it is always a wild tangle....when the sun shines through it it refracts light and there is the rainbow colors shimmering around the strands.....I'm told I'm a fairy....ha I live with a rainbow in my hair....my favorite nickname is one niece who calls me "Fairy Aunt Mother".....how good is that for a grin?

Blessings on us all......

[Kathi49]

Hummer,

I like your post and agree. Mark, you know I sort of feel the same way as Hummer does when it comes to therapy. Do it for YOU. You know I did and you know my story. I guess I am trying to say that no matter how much I wanted thing to change; I had to learn how to cope...for ME. There were two things that motivated me; my daughter and my job. And it didn't hurt for a friend of mine to tell me, "Start thinking logically and financially and STOP thinking emotionally." Rough words but the message got through. I was so hell bent in trying to make someone else change that I wasn't focusing on me or my own mental health. So, as you know, I went into therapy many, many times. And it helped a great, great deal. You know as well as I do that you cannot force someone to change. They have to do this on their own. I am not saying you can't be patient and willing to help...but watch out for ENABLING. That is something I was having a problem with...I kept being the Enabler and I had to stop and catch myself many times. I know it is a very rough time for you and I know you have a sought out a counselor and I think that is a great first step for YOU. Hang in there and take care of YOU.

[Cats Meow]

Lisa,

Glad you were able to keep up with my ramblings:D! The reason the doctor had him on short term disability was to give him time to heal from the recent accident that he had on the 22nd of February. And before this recent accident he was already having issues with his lower back and neck. I believe the doctor’s goal is to get him to do the same activities that he was doing before the accident but to do it a gradual pace. So with his parents feeding that into his head that he should be permanently disabled and have him start believing that he is (manipulating) frustrates me because under the proper care he can lead a fairly normal active life. I would have to say other then that me and his parents have never had any other major disagreements… thankfully!

As far as my anxiety issue’s I have been very aware of them for a long time but I have been able to calm myself down and my primary has given me a prescription for Xanax (0.5mg) but when I did take it I would normally pass out. So of course no one had to deal with me I was asleep! I keep some put up and only take them when I can’t get my heart rate down but I haven’t had any around the house in months so I’m sure when I go back to my PCP and see’s me now there’s no telling what he’s going to do. And the only time I would take Valium is before I go to the dentist. I am terrified of dentist (like a dog going to the vet!). Last time I went I took the Valium before I went and when I was in the chair I was shaking so bad the instruments started to fall of his little table. He couldn’t believe that the Valium didn’t knock me out. Maybe next time I’ll get drunk first (j/k).:p

Mark,

I feel for you to see how your wife is struggling and want to help her I can see how it is breaking your heart. I’m not sure how severe her anxiety is but if she is similar to me it is the most frustrating thing to try to control and here lately it has been getting worse and I sit here and ask myself why? Why now… Why can’t I get over this? Why can’t I control this feeling of being overwhelmed?:confused: I am very aware of it.

Maybe you can relate a little bit to this.

When I start having those feeling of panic I don’t want anyone near me and I have to get up and walk around and I will pace. It hits hardest when I try to go to sleep I can feel my heart pound and I will shake and I try to take deep breaths and once I think I have calmed down I panic again thinking this feeling will never go away. I will get up from bed about 30 times. My husband has tried to get me to calm down he will try to rub my back and I panic even more I don’t want anyone to touch me. So now he feels horrible thinking he’s done something wrong when it is not that at all. This can go on for days and I will avoid him (not intentional). At one time he thought I was going to leave him because he tried to show affection and I could not reciprocate. I felt so awful I didn’t know how to explain to him it was me and how frustrated I was with myself. I constantly felt like I was in that “Fight or Flight” my thoughts would race and the feeling of your heart pounding. At times it gets bad enough and I will jerk or my hands will go numb and if she’s anything similar to me I’m sure she keeps saying she can get through this and she can control it and reaching out for help feels like being defeated even though we know that’s not true.

Mark I hope she can come around I hope that she’s that you are there to help her. Right now I know you want to be there for her but with as hard and gut wrenching as it is focus on yourself right now show her that even when obstacles are in our way everyone is capable of getting through it.

I’m sure there is also more to it then just the anxiety with her but I do know having the constant feeling of panic is torture especially if she is a strong and independent women.

Please keep us up to date I hope that anxiety program helps her. And please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you minus the panic thoughts that is!:p *heart

*ack

[Nana4&cntn]

Mark

I to agree with Kathi somewhat, I really hope your wife can get through her anxiety program, and on to therapy. I know you are providing good support for her, but who is supporting you? We can only help so much. I think you could use the help of a therapist to help you help your wife, and most importantly to provide support for you!! It took me 7 years of therapy to deal with the issues I had. I want you to have an objective person to help you do what YOU need. Your love for your wife is wonderful, do you have the same love for yourself?
I deal with anxiety daily and have for 20 years. I have good days and bad days or weeks. And this is post therapy. I can deal with it now, because I am alone.
I truly want to see you and your wife together, I just wish you had someone to support you. There are mens support groups in most cities.
I hope this made sense? I am not trying to put you or Penny down, I just want you to have objective support. You know we all Love you, so we aren't the most objective.

Hummer, I also rejected group therapy for several years. I found a wonderful woman therapist who really helped me and a great group of women for support. After hearing everyones stories I was amazed that we all had so much in common. I also broke dishes and threw things, and still do from time to time as it relieves frustration and anxiety. I do the dish thing in a garbage can. Then I don't have to clean it up.

CM, I take Xanax but .25mg, try to cut your .50 in half and see if it works for you without putting you out. Just a suggestion

I hope I haven't stepped on any toes here I am just trying to help.

Take are all
Kathy

[Mark N]

Thanks friends. I do understand all the things you are saying and I am doing them the best I can. I just needed to let it out as I was just feeling betrayed since she is gone. My wife hadn't done anything wrong and in fact has done a lot of good things lately. I know I need to be patient and understanding and I will be.

CM, my wife's anxiety is just as you are describing your's, she just got bad enough she had to flee. She wouldn't admit to anxiety before but once she got the program it is clear she has a bad case of anxiety. If you are interested in the program PM me and I will tell you how to get it.

Kathi, I have been enabling her for too long so I am avoiding it now. She even recognizes she needs to not avoid things but to do them herself so she is keeping me from enabling her too. The program is very good about what to look for and has lessons to practice the steps she needs to overcome anxiety.

Hummer, thank you for your post. Your point about frustration is well taken. When I could work, I was able to get my frustrations out during football practice as it isn't odd to get excited, yell, and just cut loose during drills. I now come here to get out my frustration as it seems that when I put it down in writing my frustration melts away. If it builds up too much then I do see my counselor but there isn't much for us to do other than give me someone to talk too; maybe in the future he will bring up more things. He seems to think I have a good approach to my situation in life, marriage, and disability. I am picking up some reinforcements about things I know but need to work at a bit more.

once more, thank all of you for your comments and support.

[shotspine]

Mark....

It hurts my heart for all you are going through. There are so many things I want to say to you but am keeping quiet as you know what is right, in your brain, if not your heart. I do wish you would reconsider giving up Trooper just yet. I understand why and believe you are right in doing so, but NOT right now. You need those loving eyes and furry hugs with you for awhile longer. Please think seriously about this as you are just much too lonely to lose that constant love he gives you.

I also think it may cause your wife to worry about you and get her off track of what she needs to do for herself.

I don't even know if I'm in the right thread. I read your plan about giving up Trooper this morning and don't remember where.

(((((((Mark))))))))

ss

[Mark N]

SS, you bring up some very good points and things I have considered. Thankfully my son is also a great buddy that gives me the love and affection I need. We have always gotten along well and we have done a good job supporting each other through my wife moving out for a while.

I will miss Trooper but since my sister is taking him [they were going to get another dog until they heard about Trooper] it isn't as bad as if he went with a family I didn't know. I have been saying good bye all week so I have worked through telling him good bye. He got his shower today so he smells good:).

We are getting our wood floors refinished on Tuesday so this is a good time for him to go. I will miss him but I know he will have a lot more attention and it will be better for him so I will focus on that.

Thank you for your concern as it is a real one but I need to let him go now as it will get tougher down the road. It is also one less headache for my wife when she moves back in as she says she is going to do.

[Mark N]

I think I made a big breakthrough with my wife this evening. She said something I have been trying to get her to do for several years - she will take things from this point on and not keep hammering at things in the past the way she did before. I know we still have a ways to go but she is willing to talk through things unlike before. She is facing up to things better than before and I can live with the differences as long as she can live up to what she says. She thinks it would be unfair to us to have evenings without us and I told her what was unfair was to not be living with us. I am going to give her several weeks up to a couple of months to move back in if she will live up to my request like she wants me to do with her request.

The difference, this time than the past, is she is making great strides with the anxiety program. Anyone with anxiety programs I would highly recommend this program and just PM me if you are interested in it. She agreed with my son that she will need to continue the program even when she is finished all the 15 lessons. This is the first time I have had good feelings about her issues and efforts to deal with them. I will see how she does over the next several weeks and hopefully the great strides she has made will continue. I know I have to be careful and not be my usual overly optimistic person.

[Mary Diane]

until I got here and you all made me feel better. Thank you. I feel that you have opened your arms and drawn me into your circle of warmth and caring. That was what I loved most about the old forum, and what I have missed so much. I have been truly blessed to have found this place and you all. I hope that your weekend holiday is blessed and as painfree as possible, and that you get to smile and laugh often.

The ability to laugh at ourselves is God's way of keeping us sane.

love, one-armed hugs, and Easter eggs!!!

Mary Diane *cg06

[Mark N]

Mary Diane, I am glad you have found the same feeling I have when I come here. I know I will find others that care, are sympathetic, and understand what I face. This place and the people here keep my real world more balanced. I am glad you found us once again.

[Pike]

Mark,

I seem to get out of a funk by getting into sunlight ... I get none in my apartment at all so getting outside in the sun is my best first advice.

Exercise is just as important in my life and since an hour walking in a store causes severe pain I make it a point to do 99% of my exercise in a pool where no weight is on my feet, legs and back.

Meditation done succesfully is an invaluable tool, I do most of mine in the water, so much that new lifeguards and new members become concerned as I show no life as I drift into "the universe between" without any sign of life.

I shut out the world and anything that may be heavy on my mind, I must say that once achieved this state of mind can be as thereputic as a 3 hour nap ... many times I have been asked how I float without moving or using any device ... my answer is total & absolute relaxation, my mind in standby with no noise ... it takes practice but it is the best thing I have ever learned to do.

Physical strength can also become astronomical when a person is able to control their mind in this way, even with my physical limitations I am able to stand toe to toe with another man with his objective to move me from my stance, it has been a few years but I have had a total of 5 grown men try to move me without success; I can only do this when I am in total relaxation as I could never lift much weight nor do I consider myself to be physically stronger than any average man ...

I often hurt so bad it can bring tears to my eyes but if and when I am able to obtain this state of mind, rejuvination in both physcial and mental health is much better if only for a few minutes.

All the best,

Pike

[Mark N]

Pike, being out in the sunlight is a great way to recharge our life. I love good weather and getting out to putter in the garden [I can't do much more than putter any more]. Your water meditation sounds great for anyone that can do it. I am glad you have found things that work for you and others will find things that can help them.

[Nana4&cntn]

I would love to have a series or even I full day of sunshine! We had a day of 66 degrees on Thursday, then the temps are falling back to the 40's and falling. Tomorrows temps will also be low 40's and no sun with the exception of about 2 hours Thursday.
Pike, I love the water for exercise, and I totally understand the floating meditation. I was teaching my grandsons how to float this past summer, I told them to pretend they were laying in their beds and looking at the ceiling,they got it. Then I showed them how Nana likes to sleep in the water, they totally freaked out. So I learned a lesson that day. But I do love to meditate whether it is on the floor, bed or water, but the water is my favorite. Pike, do you have problems with muscle spasms in cool water? The reason I ask is My local Y's water is so cold I spasm as soon as I get in, even while trying to get used to the water temp, it just never happens. I have been looking for a warm water pool near me, so far the closest is 40min away, and that defeats the purpose.

Thanks for listening,
Kathy

[Mark N]

Kathy, we had two days of 60s and mostly sunny days but it is in the forties all weekend. It will be slowly warming up into the upper fifties this coming week.

[Kathi49]

Yes, Mark, and thank goodness it will be getting a bit warmer. This up and down stuff hurts! :eek::)

Kathy, I have spasms in the cold water. My best friend has a pool and I ask her to crank it up even in the summer. But she doesn't LOL! You and Pike have reminded me that I need another script for aqua therapy. I can get that next week from my Neurologist. And that pool is 90+ degrees...love it! I had to cancel all my PT for that month because of the gastro bug. And this place is about 30 minutes away...maybe a tad less. But still 30 minutes of driving makes my butt hurt LOL! If I can just get the PT time in that I can certainly use and NEED, then I can go anytime I want which will be very nice.

[OriAl]

No good news here. My central pain syndrome, snapping scapulas, and scoliosis continue to worsen, so I just have more trouble sitting, sleeping, concentrating, etc.

[Mark N]

Alan, sorry to hear that your pain has gotten worse. You would think we would reach a point that the pain couldn't get worse but it does and it seems that there is no end in sight. I wish you would have better news but reality often rears its ugly head.

[Nana4&cntn]

Alan, I am so sorry your pain is so awful. I think I can speak for everyone on this board, we are all here to support you.

Take care
Kathy

[debhun]

I really give up. Some of you know I had been making Easter eggs to sell. I only did by word of mouth cause I didn't want to make a bunch for I didn't have the time. It takes 3-4 days to make these. I sold 15 of them = 225. Well guess who has the money? DH has it. I did this so I would have money and money for my son. My son is trying to go to Collage and looking for a job. So he has no money for gas. This would have helped him a lot. Well so much for that. I worked though pain bad pain just to get a little money. So sorry I needed to vent. This is the only place I can do this at.

Deb

[Kathi49]

I am sorry to hear this Deb. :( But how did DH get the money if you were doing the selling?

[Pike]

Oh yes I fully understand the pain of cold water, at times the Y gets cold and if I do not get right out I hurt so bad it is like getting hit by a bus as every muscle and joint hurts … even Gene Simmons would be looking for his Family Jewels in cold water. :eek:

I rent a locker and like to many others, coal miners, out of town workers, men going thru a divorce and the judge enjoy the benefits of a free hot shower and a shave, ours does not have beds for the homeless but for so many people a workout, swim before work, after work or during lunch is common.

Our town is so fortunate to have the large donations from those who have small fortunes from the coal, oil also generous farmers that share some of the farm subsidy with the community, our electric rates are also low due to the coal fired generators …

Our Y also gets some sort of help because of their daycare that required something special in the building code or something and the number of people in the building is only evident when storms cause parents to pickup their kids quickly … it then becomes a madhouse but really is a hub for many families.

I am so thankful to those who have helped build our Y and sports complex.

Pike

[shotspine]

((((((((((Deb))))))))))

I'm soooo sorry Deb. I'll contain myself from venting here, but you should hear the words I'm using in private, on your behalf.:mad: I hope you can get it back.

ss

[Mark N]

Deb, sorry to hear your news. I am refraining from saying anything as you are the one that needs to take action. Just know that you can come here and vent.

[Mary Diane]

I don't know whether to offer you words of comfort, or directions to the nearest women's shelter. I haven't been on here long enough to become familiar with everyone, but I was wondering if this is regular thing with DH? Does he help you around the house at all? Maybe you should hide your money away from your house or in your cleaning supplies. I know a women who swears her kids have never found hers there. You could open a debit card account for you and your son, so that DH could not get access to it. If you make it absolutely clear to the bank, they won't give out any information to a spouse, even a small town local, good old boy, back-slapping bank won't. If I had any money and a place of my own to live, I'd come and get you and bring you up north. I'd like to be able to open my home to everyone who needed a place to live. LOL

Happy Easter everyone!*cross

Love, one-armed hugs and band-aids,

Mary Diane*cg06

[norcalmom]

It is so nice to hear others with the same problems with depression. I have had a terrible time dealing with the whole vulnerable thing about not being able to be the strong one in the family physically. I have elderly parents that need help and my father is getting worse and I feeel awful to think that I cannot help him because I can barely get myself up and going. My husband says I seem bipolar at times, but most the time when he says this I feel I am fighting within myself that I cannot do things I use to be able to do. It makes me mad and I know I take it out on him. He has put me through alot of rough times lately, but I will always be there to support him and I guess this confuses him because I get mad at him also for the foolish things he does and then we go back to the way we were. When I was pregnant I had difficult pregnancies and I never could ask anyone even a co-worker to help me because I didnt want to seem weak. I think as things are getting harder for me to do I have to deal with it myself and maybe wont be so angry that I cannot go back to my old self again. I wish I could say I was depressed and take an antidepressant and that would take care of it, but I have seen a behavioralist and have not been diagnosed as depressed.

[Mark N]

norcalmom, you don't have to be depressed to be angry about becoming disabled. It is a stage we go through eventually we get to the stage of acceptance of our situation of pain and disability.

Glad you found this post as it does help to know that you aren't the only one going through these feels and situations.

[norcalmom]

Thank you Mark for your kind words. It seems weird to be on the internet and talk to people I've never met but this forum has really helped me accept my situation since I dont have anyone close to me that is understanding of what I go through day to day. My family all support me but they dont know what it is like. People take pain medications and most of the time it might help them through their problem (acute) , but when I explain to my family that when I take them it lingers in my mind that the pain never goes away and another bad day is around the corner. Its something they cannot understand unless they have been there. But thank you for you kind words I really needed them these past few days and feel much better since getting back to this forum and venting a bit.

[Cats Meow]

Mark,

Finally had a chance to get back on here and I PM’ed you for that info. I am interested in obtaining info on that program I know I need to do something. Thankfully here lately I have been able to control that sudden onset of feelings but there are still days it gets the best of me and it gets frustrating.



After reading through everyone’s post here I have found one thing that has constantly jumped out at me about the lady’s on here. We all seem to share that common feeling of fearing someone may view us as weak and we build up a wall of defense. Glad to see many strong ladies on here. ;)

[Peter B]

Deb,
I know that the position you're in pretty much leaves you with little choice on how your life is going. The question I have is, "How much can any 1 person endure before something gives?" You live with a psycho-path. I went back and re-read some of your posts and they leave me absolutely floored. Even though the relationships here are strictly "cyber", I feel so horribly for you that I have an urge to help you. Obviously, nobody here CAN help.
Sorry to vent on top of your vent.

Pete