Family support for those helping victims [Archive]

Kashis

04-30-2008, 12:10 AM

Helping a Domestic Violence Victim
by Focus Ministries
Listen to her story and validate her feelings. Even if you know her husband and can’t believe he would do what she is telling you, keep an open mind and give her an opportunity to tell her story.
Be aware that she may not see herself as an “abused woman.” Let her know that abuse of any kind is wrong, and name the behavior for what it is without verbally attacking the abuser.
Acknowledge her bravery and courage in breaking the silence and seeking help. Realize that she may feel like she is betraying her husband by talking about the abuse. Help her understand she has done the right thing for the whole family to seek help.
Assess her level of safety by asking questions about what is currently going on and what abuse has taken place in the past. Ask her to describe her husband’s behavior in various scenarios.
Be supportive, but do not tell her what to do. Give her options that will help her make decisions for herself. If she decides to go to a shelter, call a crisis hotline, or make other arrangements to leave, give her the phone number and let her make the call herself. This allows her to be responsible for her own decisions. Exception: In a crisis when she is in danger, take action to help her get to safety.
Keep your conversation confidential, and DO NOT contact the abuser to tell him you have been talking to his wife (unless she gives you permission to do so). If he contacts you, DO NOT divulge any information, especially if she has been taken to a safe location. You could endanger her life!
Never advise a woman to return home to work things out with her abuser if she has been physically battered or if her life has been threatened. You will place her in greater harm!
If the victim chooses to return home against your advice, make sure she knows how to contact you if she needs help. Find out when it would be okay for you to call and find out how she is doing. Don’t try to force her into making a decision she is not ready to make.
Realize that you have only heard a part of the story. Don’t minimize the seriousness of the situation just because the victim appears to be strong and brave, or because you can’t believe her husband would act that way. Ask questions and be an attentive listener as the story unfolds.
Don’t spend much time deciding who provoked whom. When you see dynamics of fear and control at work in the marriage, it is the abusive behavior that must be confronted.
Never counsel the abuser and victim together. It puts the victim in more danger and gives the abuser more power. Most victims will not feel free to talk about what is really going on in the home if the abuser is sitting next to her. He will try to control the conversation and intimidate the victim with words or a look that lets her know she should keep her mouth shut if she knows what’s good for her.
Marriage counseling does not work in domestic violence situations.
Anger management classes do not work in domestic violence situations. The abuser may learn how to divert his anger from physical abuse to verbal or emotional abuse, but unless his opinions about women and feelings of entitlement are changed, he will repeat his behavior.
If the abuser is a member of your church and wants to meet with you, do so in a location where he will not come into contact with his wife.
Do not expect him to admit being abusive. He may suggest his wife is mentally unstable and demonstrate a false concern about her mental health. He will minimize his behavior or blame his actions on his wife’s behavior.
Refer the victim and abuser to professionals who are experienced with domestic violence issues. Don’t try to deal with the problem alone.
Don’t fall for the abuser’s claim that he has changed, even if he does admit being abusive. He may claim a conversion experience, and even if it is real, he should still be held accountable for his actions. An apology, tears, promises, or a religious experience does not eliminate the need for maintaining safety until the change can be verified by time and professional counselors.
Do not encourage reconciliation too soon. In the case of physical abuse, safety is the priority. If the abuser has truly changed and wants to do whatever is necessary to restore the marriage, he will be willing to wait as long as it takes to prove himself and rebuild trust.
Ask Questions!
When the two of you argue or have a very bad fight, what happens?
Do you ever feel frightened of him?
Are you free to speak freely to him? What happens when you express an opinion that is different from his?
Does he ever throw things or punch holes with his fist?
How does he speak to you when he is angry or frustrated?
Does he pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to?
How does he react when you want to go out with friends or family?
Has he ever slapped or pushed you, hit you or threatened you?
Have you told anyone?
A woman is in imminent danger if . . .
He has threatened her life. Take it seriously!
He has weapons in the house or has recently bought a gun.
He has locked her in the house.
He has killed or injured her pet.
She sustained multiple injuries each time he battered her in the past.
She has threatened to leave, and he has threatened to hurt or kill himself, the children, and her if she leaves.
He talks about dreams involving murder (either hers or his).
Wrong Things To Say To A Battered Woman:
What did you do to provoke him?
Pray harder—prayer changes things.
Go home and cook your husband his favorite meal, put on your best dress, and give him a little more attention.
You must do whatever you can to hold your marriage together, even if it means suffering for Jesus.
The Bible says your husband is the head of your household. If you submit to him and become more obedient, he will not resort to violence.
Your children need a father, so it is up to you to keep the family together
Statements of Affirmation To The Victim:
You are not alone.
Abuse is wrong. It is not your fault.
You did not deserve being hit.
You are not responsible for his behavior.
You have a right to see your family.
No one deserves to be talked to that way.
Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.
God does not condone abuse. He wants you to be safe.
God will not abandon you regardless of your choices.
Statements to Confront the Abuser:
I am here to support you, but I want you to know that I think it is wrong to hit or hurt another person.
I will not desert you, but I will not excuse your behavior either.
As long as you choose to be violent, I will not provide joint counseling. We cannot discuss relationship issues until you stop being violent.
By not stopping the abuse, you may go to jail or lose your family. If you want to stop the abuse, you must join a group treatment program where you will learn to value your wife’s freedom and worth as a person more than your need to control.
Originally appeared on http://www.focusministries1.org. Copyright © 2004 Focus Ministries, Inc. Used with permission.

Print Friendly Version e-Newsletter Sign UpBackground InformationEmotional and Verbal Abuse
The wounds caused by abuse aren't always visible.

Recognizing Abuse Both Seen and Unseen
Verbal and physical abuse are far more prevalent in our society than you might expect.

Secondary Symptons of Sexual Abuse
Here's how to identify common patterns and characteristics among abuse victims.

Abuse and the Church's Role
If church-goers suspect abuse, here's an explanation why they should get involved and how to help the victim.

Charmers and Con Artists
The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money, and the Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity and your self-esteem. Here is how to know if you live with a charmer or a con artist.

Questions and AnswersWhy do abused women often stay, rather than just flee the situation?
Answer

My daughter and her boyfriend just laugh it off, but I am alarmed by the put-downs and insults they toss back and forth. Am I being too sensitive?
Answer

How should a wife deal with her husband's abusive tendencies?
Answer

Have you ever been concerned that exercising the concept of "tough love" in a marital crisis could potentially kill the marriage?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

StoriesEscaping my Abusive Relationship: A Shark Story
Used constructively, anger can be a powerful tool for protecting yourself from an abusive relationship.

Losing Myself
One abused woman found hope, healing and herself.

Victim
An abused man speaks out about the destruction of his marriage, and the healing he has found.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your StoryOther Things to ConsiderHope for Couples in Crisis
The key to dealing with marital strife lies in respect.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related TopicsLife Pressures: Workaholism

Parenting Teens: Drugs and Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Internet Concerns

Relationships: Anger

Next StepsLife Applications
Who Needs Counseling?
Counseling is sometimes perceived as a "last resort," rather than a valuable source of help.

Changed or Not Changed?
If you're in an abusive relationship, here are some signs indicating whether he has or has not changed his ways.

How to Be an Anchor in the Storm
One of the reasons a battered woman is finally able to leave an abusive relationship is because she has someone who acts as her anchor in the storm. Here are some ideas that may help you help someone else.

How to Help an Abused Wife
When an abused woman reveals her life with you, you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Here how to help someone who is experiencing domestic violence.

To Separate or Not to Separate
If you are trying to decide whether to separate from a troubled marriage, here are some guidelines.

Get Help
Contact Us
Consider Counseling Support
Sign Up for our e-Newsletter
Ask a Question
See all Abuse and Addiction articles
Referral Organization
National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence
NCCAFV provides intergenerational violence prevention services by bringing together community and national professionals and volunteers to prevent domestic violence (spouse/partner abuse), child abuse and elder abuse.
Books, CDs, DVDs and More
Changes That Heal
(Paperback) If you have a past that still haunts you, Dr. Henry Cloud's groundbreaking book can help you overcome it and become a more joy-filled person with overflowing hope for the present and future.

Home About Us Site Map Contact Us Search Reprint Permission FAQ
TroubledWith.com is a service of Focus on the Family. It is intended as a practical reference, and should not be considered as a substitute for advice from medical, mental health or legal professionals. Details.

Copyright © 2006 Focus on the Family.

All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Privacy Policy/Terms