Facts of domestic violence

[Kashis]

Battering: The Facts

There are some commonly held beliefs about battering which we feel are actually myths...that is, the facts of battering indicate that these beliefs are false. Yet people continue to believe and act on these beliefs. In a sense, they become more powerful than the facts because they influence the ways battered women, their friends and family, the professional personnel they encounter, and the general public react to specific instances of battering.



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MYTH: Battered women hate men. Battered women need to learn that not all men are bad.

FACT: Battered women do not hate men. They hate being battered.





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MYTH: A man's home is his castle. No one should interfere with the family.

FACT: Battery is a crime! No one has the right to beat another person.





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MYTH: A woman who gets beaten brings it upon herself by nagging or provoking her spouse.

FACT: People are beaten for reasons as ridiculous as: the dinner is cold; the TV was turned to the wrong channel; the baby was crying. Abusive people refuse to control their violent impulses. Even where the person may have reason to be angry, they have no right to express their anger violently.





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MYTH: A person who stays with an abuser after being beaten must like to be beaten.

FACT: Being beaten hurts and no one likes it. There are many reasons why victims remain with abusers including their fear of further violence, the financial hardship of leaving, religious reasons, their emotional attachment to their partners, and their belief that families should stay together.





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MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."

FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control. Their actions are very deliberate.





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MYTH: If the victim didn't like it, she would leave.

FACT: Victims do not like the abuse. They stay in the relationship for many reasons, including fear. Most do eventually leave.





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MYTH: Domestic violence only occurs in a small percentage of relationships.

FACT: Estimates report that domestic violence occurs in 1/4 to 1/3 of all intimate relationships. That applies to heterosexual as well as same**** relationships.





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MYTH: Middle and upper class women do not get battered as frequently as poor women.

FACT: Domestic violence occurs in all socio-economical levels. Because women with money usually have more access to resources, poorer women tend to utilize community agencies, and are therefore more visible





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MYTH: Batterers are violent in all their relationships.

FACT: Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in ways they would never consider treating other people.





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MYTH: Alcohol/Drugs cause battering behavior.

FACT: Although many abusive partners also abuse alcohol and/or drugs, this is not the underlying cause of the battering. Many batterers use alcohol/drugs as an excuse to explain their violence.





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MYTH: Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.

FACT: While some battered women have been in more than one abusive relationship, women who receive domestic violence services are the least likely to enter another abusive relationship.



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[Kashis]

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Are You Abused or a Victim of Domestic Violence?

The Extensive Domestic Violence Checklist Revised Aug. 1999 This list identifies a series of behaviors typically demonstrated by batterers and abusive people. All of these forms of abuse come from the batterer's desire for power and control.

The list can help you recognize if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship. Check off those behaviors that apply to the relationship.

The more checks on the page, the more dangerous the situation may be.
1. Blames me for everything that goes wrong in our relationship, blames me for his mistakes most of which are the most preposterous things.

2. Threatens to kill me or have others kill me.

3. Threatens to leave me all the time

4. Has threatened to commit suicide.

5. Threatens to report me to welfare authorities.

6. Is using my immigration status against me and I fear deportation.

7. Makes me afraid by looks, actions or gestures.

8. Displays weapon, shows weapons to make me afraid.

9. Limits my freedom, tells me what to do, where to go, and when to come back.

10. Makes all the decisions.

11. Won't let you have friends, or judges your friends and family harshly, says bad things about your friends or family to others.

12. Becomes angry for no apparent reason. I feel any action on my behalf can cause him to erupt.

13. Blames me when I am mistreated. Says, "I provoked it!"

14. Threatens to harm my children, family, or friends.

15. Takes my car keys or prevents me from using the car.

16. Insists I dress in a more sexual way than I want to or just the opposite, that I wear clothes that make me look ugly so no one will look at me.

17. He publicly shows interest in other women.

18. Insults my most valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage or ethical background.

19. Punishs or deprives the children when he is angry with me.

20. Tells me about his affairs in order to destroy my emotional well being.

21. Monitors my phone calls, or mail, or the odometer mileage.

22. Refuses to give me money or takes my money.

23. Interferes with my work or will not let me work.

24. Has exclusive control over our money and the household finances.

25. Uses pressure tactics to rush me into making decisions through guilt-tripping and other forms of intimidation.

26. Calls me a ****, *****, ****, ***** or other sexual demeaning names.

27. He tells me that I am not worth having as a mate, yet will not consider breaking it off.

28. He has raped me.

29. Exposed me to venereal disease, STD's, or AIDS

30. Forced prostitution or strip dancing.

31. Forced me to look at pornography or be apart of it when I did not want to.

32. We have hurtful sex.

33. He pressures me for sex.

34. He withholds sex as a measure to make me feel asexual, or tells me what a lousy lover I am.

35. He will not let me use contraception.

36. He cheats on me...(Cyber**** on the computer counts!)

37. Our sex is humiliating/or at times sadistic that I am fearful.

38. When I ask him questions about things that are legitimately my business ...I get no answers or the run-around.

39. He demands that I obey him.

40. Becomes angry when I tell him, he is drinking or drugging to much.

41. Becomes upset if dinner, housework, or laundry was not done exactly the way he thinks it should be.

42. Overreacts to little things like the toilet paper is going the wrong way, and retaliates by doing or saying something hurtful to me.

43. Tells me I really cannot manage without him or take care of myself.

44. He acts like I am his personal servant.

45. Says bad things about me to friends, family or coworkers.

46. Twist my words around and will not let me explain the correct thing that I was I saying.

47. Tells me that all my problems are because I am worthless, and can't manage to do anything right.

48. Shows disrespect by interrupting and changing the topic.

49. Abuses authority by always claiming to be right.

50. Manipulates the children.

51. Shoved me

52. Pushed me.

53. Restrained me so I could not move.

54. Hit me.

55. Slap me around.

56. Bit me.

57. Choked me.

58. Kicked me.

59. Tripped me.

60. Pulled my hair.

61. Punched me with his fist.

62. Acted like a bully toward me.

63. Treated me like I was stupid.

64. Pinched me.

65. Squeezed me until there was pain.

66. Jerked me around.

67. Shook me.

68. Burned me.

69. Choked/or suffocated me.

70. Thrown objects or food at me.

71. Abused drugs or alcohol and pressures me to take them.

72. Abused the children.

73. Abused the pets.

74. Throws things at me.

75. Punches our walls.

76. There are qualities about myself that I like but he disapproves of or ridicules me.

77. Criticizes my body parts, for example, tell me I am ugly, or fat, or unattractive.

78. Calls me names, swears or makes humiliating gestures.

79. Makes me feel guilty.

80. He makes me think I am going crazy at times.

81. Plays mind games with my head.

82. Humiliates or makes fun of me in front of other people.

83. Says that I belong to him, that he can't live without me, no one else can ever have me.

84. Ignores me, withholds approval.

85. Lies, withholds information form me.

86. Breaks promises, does not follow through on agreements.

87. Completely isolates himself from me.

88. Keeps me away from my family or friends or he must come with me all the time.

89. He thinks I am with another man if I am not at home or when he calls.

90. Checked up on me.

91. I was not allowed to make family decisions or settle conflicts by talking things out.

92. He sulked a lot.

93. Does not take fair share of responsibilities.

94. Said the abuse did not happen, denies it.

95. Demanded I stay home/or won't let me go back to school, work and, etc.,

96. Became angry if I disagree with his point of view.

97. Beaten me so badly that I needed medical help.

98. Screamed and yelled at me.

99. Made me feel guilty about the children.

100. I always had to yield to my partners needs.

101. My family and friends are concerned about my safety.

102. Cut or stabbed me.

103. Broke my teeth.

104. Abused my stomach when pregnant.

105. Used weapons on me.

106. Hit me with an object.

107. Ripped my clothes off.

108. Abandoned me in dangerous places.

109. Used the children to relay his messages.

110. Threatened to take the children away.

111. He defined the roles of men and women, what they do within a relationship.

112. He thought he was master of the castle and that he could do anything he wants.

113. Did not let me know our income, properties we own, or money problems.

114. Has mood swing behavior patterns, one minute my mate is sweet and caring then will do a complete about face and be angry about things that were totally O.K. before. Switches back and forth between behavior for no apparent reasons.

115. Makes me think I am responsible for making this relationship work.

116. I fear he will track me down and kill me if I leave.

117. He has threatened to put me in a mental hospital, or insists that I am unstable or crazy.

118. Stands in the doorway during an argument as if to say you are staying her and not leaving.

119. He buys things in my name and not his.

120. He digs in my purse, and in my private things.

121. His acts of irresponsibility threaten my credit?

122. He explains his abusive actions by blaming his violence or his temper because of his stress at work, or external factors.

This list may be used for public distribution..in order to help those in need. Check the Is He Lethal? Checklist if you have many checks to assess your safety. This Checklist was based on the fact that 97% of all Domestic Abuse Cases are Women.

Copyright By Di Murowski. Aug. 1999