Amanda Mango Angel baby.

[Mangosmom]

I am missing my baby so much. On the 29th she will have left me 2 months ago. It has been the hardest 2 months of my life. You know you hear people say I just dont know how you do it. Living with a special needs child. But I would live 3 lives with her than to live this one without her. I struggle everyday to get out of bed and make myself put one foot in front of the other. I miss her so much. I want her back. I want her here with me.

Amanda left this earth on December 29th, 2007 at 11:30 at night. After spending 2 days in PICU at Arkansas Childrens Hospital from a nondiagnosed bleeding disorder. She bled out, went into respiratory arrest and then cardiac arrest. The local hospital worked on her for almost 45 mins and finally got her pulse back. But she never woke up. They flew her to Little Rock and there she spent two more days on a ventilator and every other monitor known to mankind. And was pumped full of so many meds to keep her alive. Her heart was beating on its own, but her bp and respiratory systems failed. And when they couldn't get the bleeding to stop she once again went into Respiratory arrest and then cardiac arrest. Once again bringing her back. And at that time Us making the decision not to watch her go through that all again. That if she stayed and fought, we would fight too, but if she was ready to go, we would let her go the next time. She lasted another 2 hours and when I whispered in her ear, that she could go to Jesus when she was ready and that I would be ok... my baby once again gave her last breath and her heart beat its last beat, and with me kissing her feet and crying for her, she left my life here.

I dont know how to go on. I dont know how to live life anymore. My children have been my life for so long. My son is 18 and no longer "NEEDING" mom to take care of him.. And Amanda is no longer here period. I have no purpose anymore. I have no direction. And I mourn for her all day everyday. My arms and heart ache to hold her. To lay her beside me and just cuddle. To just be with her. I feel like I could go out to the cemetary and lay down beside her and just stay there. Just to be with her.

I know she is happy and whole and much better off now than she has ever been, but I just miss her so much. I dont know how I can get through each month and each day let alone the rest of my life without her.

The sadness just wont stop. The joy is gone.

I miss you Amanda.... so much. Mommy loves you and always will.

[laurensmom]

{{{{Carrie}}}}

[momof4everangelcarliejae]

Hi carrie,

i feel the same way as you do about losing a special needs daughter.
and when your whole life is wrapped up in looking after that beautiful child
and they leave us. It is such an empty feeling that no-one can really comprehend except for us.

my Carlie jae died almost three years ago and I am still trying to find out who i am. my four bedroom house sits empty with silence.


I am here for you if you ever need a hug or to talk
just private message me and i will contact you
I do understand
Love robyn

[Mangosmom]

Thank you ladies.. Im taking it one day at a time and I appreciate the support and caring. It means alot.

[CoolAngel28]

{{{Carrie}}}}....Thinking of you,Kristin

[msearp99]

HI
Just joined here, my heart hurts for you Carrie. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious little one. Please try to find comfort in she is safe and in no pain.

My situation is an empty nest too. I didn't loose a child but have lost a relationship with her. She's 18 and doesn't think she needs to have rules and boundaries so she's not here anymore- I haven't heard from her in almost 2 months.

Thinking of you Carrie!

[xxx Kac]

awwww, I personally dont know how you feel, being only a teen :/ but i feel so sorry for you, and I hope/know you can get threw this with the help and support of your family members? :) after all you sound like a pretty strong mum!

but to be completely honest, I think its for the best that she passed away. It seems so hard.....in everyway possible, what kind of life is that for your daughter? its almost/well i strongly believe it is inhumain and cruewl to keep a child like that.. but you made the right decision I think , 'personally' and if your child was older i could probably garentee she would have said the same thing....i mean i only have moebius syndrom, and that has and continues to push me on the edge of suicide..... so dont feel sad, you did the right thing, and she is in a better place

xx
take care and god bless

[Mangosmom]

awwww, I personally dont know how you feel, being only a teen :/ but i feel so sorry for you, and I hope/know you can get threw this with the help and support of your family members? :) after all you sound like a pretty strong mum!

but to be completely honest, I think its for the best that she passed away. It seems so hard.....in everyway possible, what kind of life is that for your daughter? its almost/well i strongly believe it is inhumain and cruewl to keep a child like that.. but you made the right decision I think , 'personally' and if your child was older i could probably garentee she would have said the same thing....i mean i only have moebius syndrom, and that has and continues to push me on the edge of suicide..... so dont feel sad, you did the right thing, and she is in a better place

xx
take care and god bless


Im not sure what you meant by keeping a child like that... So Im not gonna jump to any conclusions. But I do know that she was a very happy and most of the time healthy little girl. And that she got very sick very quickly. We weren't expecting to leave the hospital without her. So Im not sure where cruel and inhuman come into the equation. She has had a very good, loving, caring ,happy life for the last 12 years. And if she would have pulled through this time, I would have taken her home and we would have continued to have the life we have had. Believe me, this wasn't my choice. My choice would have been to take her home, love her, and have her with me for another 50 years at least. God made this choice. He called her home. I just have to accept it. And had to let her go. I know she is whole now. And she is happy, and I know she will always be with me. But that doesn't stop the hurt of a mothers empty arms.

Thank you for at least trying to understand and giving your concern. That is appreciated.

[Tigger 76]

{{{{{{carrie}}}}}}

I just wanted to know that I am thinking of you and I wanted you to know you are in my prayers.

I also wanted to thank you for taking the time to answer the questions that I had about the bacolfen pump. I have had it for almost 2 years and it has changed my life for the better.

thanks again

[moose53]

((((((Carrie)))))),

My heart aches for you.

I lost two babies in miscarriages. I can't even imagine losing a child that's been part of my life for over 12 years.

The closest I come to the empty feeling is my younger brother committed suicide when he was 21 and I was 22 (almost 42 years ago). I don't ache and cry like I used to, but, the empty spot is still there.

I wish more than anything that I could take the pain away from you and Robyn and all the other mothers and fathers who've had to learn to live with part of your soul missing. If I could bring back all the children who've gone way to soon, I would.

Carrie, there's tons of us who remember Mango, and Robyn, just as many who remember Carlie Jae. Your beautiful daughters brought a lot of joy and smiles and light to this world. They're both missed terribly.

Bless you all.

Barb

[Mangosmom]

{{{{{{carrie}}}}}}

I just wanted to know that I am thinking of you and I wanted you to know you are in my prayers.

I also wanted to thank you for taking the time to answer the questions that I had about the bacolfen pump. I have had it for almost 2 years and it has changed my life for the better.

thanks again

Thank you Cindy. Im so glad the pump has worked so well for you. I know it made Amandas life easier for her and for me. And Im pleased that you are too.

I appreciate all of your prayers and thoughts. I miss her and it hurts so bad. Only praying and giving it to God is going to help make it hurt a bit less.

[Mangosmom]

Thank you Barb. I am thankful that people will remember her. And I will make sure people dont forget her. I want her remembered forever. And if and when it comes down to it..I and my family may end up being the only ones 20 years from now, but I will know she did make a lasting impression on some people.

Im sorry about your brother too. I know that had to be hard for you and your whole family. I would never want anyone to go through what we have had to endure. No parent or family member deserves this.

[moose53]

((((((Carrie)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/huggiebears.gif

Thank you for your kind words about my Brother. They're really appreciated.

Bless you. Hugs.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holding-hands.gif

[hereandnow]

My heart goes out to you in your loss. I haven't lost a child but I have a child who came close to taking his life because of his problems and I am so thank*** he didn't.
I have worked with special needs children and I believe that each life is individual and each life is precious so the loss of life is a tragedy. I understand that the children who need the most care while alive leave a huge gap in the lives of their loved ones when gone.
Your little angel is safe and whole now but you have right to miss her. Hugs
(((((Carrie)))))

[Debbie71]

Carrie...I have sat here and read your posts about your loss. I am still crying! I want you to know that I will pray for you and your family. My husband just asked me why I get on here and read the posts because he knows I am going to cry...I know that others may have more problems than me and they need my prayers. Please take comfornt in knowing that your angel is living a life of happiness in the arms of our Lord!
Hugs...Debbie

[Mangosmom]

Thank you. I'm doing the best I can. And I appreciate your thoughts, prayers, and comforting words. We are about to hit the 4 month mark. And yes life goes on, but it sure isn't getting easier to have her gone. My heart just aches all the time. Thank you for letting me know that she has touched you too.

Carrie.

[NJenn]

Carrie,

I don't ever say this phrase flippantly-- I pray for you daily. I just found this thread, and am glad that I did. I usually just go to the CP or CN threads directly.

I'm just another "CP sister" who doesn't know you personally, but I do think about you and your beautiful Mango girly. It is not much, but it is what I can do. I, and many others here only wish we can do more.

But, I do want to thank you. Over the past few years you've been so articulate about parenting Amanda. I've found this so helpful because it helps me relate to my own mom, and the stuggles she faced with me when I was too young to remember, or too much of a stubborn teenager to appreciate that she was doing both the job of mom and dad. It means so much.

I have faith that you will find your new purpose, Carrie, and that it just might be something that honors Amanda's spirit which is still near you. Not everyone can look into the eyes of a child with a disability and see the light of the soul, and their inherent promise just by being here. You can see that. And that is a gift...

I pray peace for you and Josh always,

Nicki