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[Bevtone]

Hi, I'm hoping that I am in the right place. I very recently lost my son to suicide and I wanted to reach out to other parents in my position. My son was 32 yr. & 5 days when he decided to take his life. I feel so disconnected to everything. I have a daughter that is 2 yr. older than her brother and she has blessed me with 3 beautiful grandchildren. I know I have a lot to look forward to, but I am so sad about my son.

I'm really not sure what I expect from this forum, but I know I need a place to come to.

Bev

[jingle]

Hello Bev ~ Is there a Survivors of Suicide meeting group in your area? They are a tremendous help.
I'm sending you love and prayers.

[Bevtone]

Hi Jingle, Thanks for the response....I am not sure about groups in my area. This is all so new...It's only been since 01/14/2008. I am still spinning, plus I am pretty much a shut-in. I only go when my DH can take me and I feel well enough. I have some health issues and have for about 20 years now. I have a good support base with my family and friends.

All I know at this point is that I miss my son very much and I hate feeling so sad because his last few years were so miserable. I have been left with trying to figure out all the things that need to be done (going thro his personal effects, his clothes, his file cabinet, his final tax returns, etc.) He was married at one time but had divorced several years ago so there was no sponse or children. His father and I divorced when he was 8 years old so he is no help.

[jingle]

((( Bev ))) I've never lost a child so I .... well, I can't even imagine that.
But I do know about being a shut-in and those complications.
Did you read the private message I sent you? I know you could get help and support better than mine on the SOS board there.

[Buttons2]

Bev,you have suffered the worse possible tragedy. You must reach out for support in any way possible,this will be a lifelong sadness for you I'd imagine. I'm doubtful suicide of a child is anything people ever "get over". Just too painful. Want you to know I care & will be as supportive as possible. Time does heal in some ways.

There must be some type of phone consultation for shut-ins? Maybe an 800 number for a hotline of some kind? Check in your local phonebook under social services or mental health.

I see you are new to BT,so want to welcome you. You might consider posting on the emotional support thread also,we have a wonderful bunch of people that try to connect everyday & provide support & encouragment on many issues,including health.

Feel free to PM me anytime also. It's been over 25 yrs since the last suicide in my family, & I know speaking for myself,the anger was my issue for at least 2 years. It's very sad when someone in their 30's is so full of despair they pay the ultimate price. Please accept my condolences for your loss.

Gentle hug to you,Buttons

[Bevtone]

Thanks Jingles, I did get your PM and have bookmarked the other SOS page however I haven't posted there yet. I must admit that at one time I posted there many years ago in the Spinal Disorders Forum...then the split happened and I continued to read here but not posting.

I was in a bad auto accident in 1988 and have been disabled since, so I guess you could label me as a long-time lurker ...

Buttons2, Thanks for replying...I am not sure how I am suppose to live without my only son here....I had plans for him!! Anger at him is not an issue for me. I am angry at his 'girlfriend', she pushed his buttons and he pushed hers....they had a toxic relationship that I never approved of (not that he needed my approval) I was never a nosy, bossy Mother (My mother was a dictator). I was told by my pastor at the funeral that I would never get over this, I would just learn how to cope with the loss. He also told me that it is not for us to judge (Thank God). Rocky is in God's hands for judgement not man's. I try very hard not to dwell on the IFs, but sometimes thoughts come into your head without an invitation.

Thanks for caring!!
Bev

[jingle]

Bev, Just saying 'Hello' and hoping things are going OK for you.

[Bevtone]

Hi Jingles,

I spent most of today going thro Rocky's filing cabinet ... I burnt a lot of paperwork. It was bitter sweet, finding Get Well cards and Birthday cards and things like that (I kept some things but not all of it).

Since Rocky had no children I don't feel the need to hold on the a lot of stuff like his medical records etc. Besides if (unknown to me there is a child somewhere) we should need any of that it could be reproduced thro the hospitals.

Thanks for the shout-out!!
Bev

[Buttons2]

Just checking to see how you're doing Bev. Do you have any family around? I hope there's someone in your life for hugs & an ear to listen. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to go through Rocky's possessions & decide what stays & what goes.

I have 2 sons myself,one is schizophrenic,I worry alot about his state of mind. I attempted suicide myself twice when I was only 20 yr old. I figure God had a reason to keep me around.

Do you have any pets by chance? I know my rescue dog sure helps me to not feel so alone & forces me to get outside for walks everyday. I always say he rescued me. I was very depressed when I read his story in our local paper & made the decision to give him a home.

HUGS to you,Buttons

[Bevtone]

Hey Buttons2,

I do have friends and family around fairly close (within 10-14 miles). I re-married 20 years ago so I also have DH and his large family as well. There are just some things that no one can help me with and a hug (while nice) just doesn't cut it.

I went thro the last of Rocky's papers today. I was looking for any info pertaining to financial things. I did find where he had paid into a 401K plan so here I go off in another direction. I was looking for everything I needed to file his final tax returns but am having some problems getting the info I need out of Texas. Rocky was drawing unemployment from Texas at the time of his death. I need to re-contact them now that I have his death certificate.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and heavy thinking this past month. My daughter and I have decided to participate in Oprah's 'The New Earth' series that is an on-line 10-week course and that has helped me a lot as well as an audio book a dear friend bought me called 'The Secret'. Somehow between the two of them I hope I figure out who I am....lol

So for now, I am hanging ok. How are things with you? How old are your sons?

Yes, I do have a dog. I also had a cat but the day the news was released last year about the cat food, I found him dead in the front yard. It was sad but he had lived a long long life. The dog was passed to me from my niece when she got tired of her. I have had her for 5 years now.

Till later,
Bev

[Buttons2]

Bev,well my life is going along fine compared to those in pain from losing a loved one. My oldest son will soon be 40! That makes me feel old,my youngest is 38.I've been divorced for many many years.

Sorry to hear about your cat! My dog eats very expensive dog food with NO grains or gluten,it's really helped with his skin rashes which I spent alot on last year @ the vets. I have a housemate,we've been together over 11 yrs now. We had his little dog put down just before Christmas,she lived to about 15 yr old. We have one cat now,but had 5 at one time,plus 2 dogs.

I'm very glad to hear you're doing some positive things for YOU. I seldom watch Oprah,however I have read some of the books she's recommended,I'm an avid book reader. "The Secret" has been on the NYT best seller list a long time hasn't it?

About your son's paperwork,since he had no children you are most likely the benefiecary (sp) of his 401K,I know my son put me down on his,I just had to give him my SS #. Do you recall doing that? Since he was unemployed @ time of death he may have pulled the fund out to help with expenses while on unemployment. I'd contact his old employer. A dear friend of mine lost her husband a few months ago,she was overwhelmed with the paperwork & hassles,she was very fortunate in finding help with ALL her issues from her late husband's bank! A lady there got her through the entire process with SS,pension,etc. That's just what might help you?? Apparently funeral homes aren't much help. One thing I do know,you'll need alot of copies of his death certificate.

All this must be very distressful for you,keep hanging in-what choice do you have afterall? A support group would be good for you when you're ready. Glad to know you have family nearby. I'm sure everyone around you is at a loss of what to say or do right now. Time will help,the healing will come when it's meant to. Think of the good times,those special moments you shared together,let the tears flow......and know that you are never alone,people do care.

Take care,Buttons

[Bevtone]

Hi Buttons,

At one time in my life I was a faithful Oprah watcher, however in the last couple of years I got out of the habit. I do love a good book though. I read a variety of things. Right now I am in the middle of 3 different types of books.

I will have to contact Rocky's ex-employment about the 401K, I am not sure who he had listed as beneficiary and I don't think he withdrew those funds even though he was drawing unemployment, but I will find out. I know he had me listed on some things after his divorce was finalized 3 years ago.

I took possession of most of Rocky's things and his laptop was among those things. Last night I was going thro some of the files he had saved and found some e-mails between him and his gf. It just re-affirmed for me that my senses were not far off the mark about their relationship. I deleted any and all communications between them and hope I don't find anymore. Everytime I sit down to tackle another stack of his stuff I stop and pray over it that I won't find anything I don't need to know about. (Like that is gonna change anything that happened)

I really look forward to those little moments of peace that come over me and I think to myself that a prayer must of made it thro, Thank God!!

Chat at ya later,
Bev