Mom has decided to move out....

[Kristina]

OK people,

Here's the lastest....mom is moving out and at not MY request. As you know, I had my surgery 1/17 and as I was speaking to mom about 1 week later, she informed me that she decided to stay permanantly at the assissted living fac. that she has been staying at during my recovery. (We had scheduled a 1 month stay for mom.) But with the news was ALOT of nasty attitude from her and it hasn't gotten any better!

She surprised me with a visit last Fri. with my younger sister who doesn't like me (don't really know why, she won't talk to me) and I had developed an allergic reaction, bad burning rash on my surgery site, and I have been miserable, tired (no sleep due to itching), running around to different doctors for relief(i was back at the docs. office today for different meds because nothings working yet.)

She is blaming me for all her problems, sides with little sis who only visits a couple times a year (that might change now that she has become mom's 'favorite daughter' now) trust me, i'm really ok with that;).

My husband has requested that I don't talk to mom so I can recover. He says he needs me:D. And I know he's right.........I haven't done anything right for mom so it's time to let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has other daughter's so let her use them.

As I end this thread I want to mention one of many things that I have learned. If your parent wasn't there for you as a kid, if you were booted out of the house at 17, it he/she wasn't interested in your kids(no bday parties, no invites over for dinner and I MEAN none, no baby sitting ever, not even interested in helping after the boys were born) if you have been called 'no good' or 'damaged goods' or any names for that matter........I want you to stop and REALLY think hard about sharing your goodness with someone you THINK will appreciate it.

You may be surprised................

[houghchrst]

Kristina, I am so sorry you are having such a rough recovery. Your husband is right. Maybe now you will heal both physically and mentally. You have a well rounded life without your mother and maybe now that she is moving on she will come to miss you and maybe have second thoughts about her treatment of you. Either way don't stress yourself about it. You already have a full plate. Get well soon.

[joy]

Hi Kristina You probably need a lot of HUGS right about now. So big (((hugs))) . I can telll you didn't get them as a child and I imagine not as an adult either. Another thing, I don't know this but I think deep down it is something to consider. I imagine staying where your mother is staying right now, is NOT so bad for her!! Yep, I don't really know your mother, but know what sounds like her type of person, I think she rather emjoy staying there but wants to rub you the wrong way and maybe just try and lay a bit of guilt on you if she can!!

If I'm wrong and you know your mother is not this way, I apologise! From what I've read - what you've done has been fro the heart and you did the best you could for as long as you could. And intended to pick it back uop as soon as you could. And have made it know to your mother that was your intentions. That is why I have my suspecions about her wanting to stay put and it is because she likes it. And if sister has been available to help NOW, well she should have been in the picture all along, so good for both of them.

I agree with your husband, doo all you can to get well for YOU now. And please try and not worry yourself too much about this, I think it is just a tactic being used. I know there a lots of people who are into "dramatics" to try and get their way or spoil anothers peace of mind if they can. Don't fall for it.

I hope the itching and everything gets better. It makes it hard to get any rest and you need your sleep. I hoping it all gets better for you real soon.

[Daisy]

It may be hard to look at it this way since she was so mean in giving you this news but it truly could be a gift to you and your husband that she is willing to stay there in the long run. It will give you the time you need to heal and to focus on your family issues without the huge guilt you would other wise feel for not rushing through the healing and any post therapy process you might need in order to get her back home with you.

While she was mean about it she ultimately has given you permission to move forward with you life while she takes this step in providing for her needs there.

If your sister is going to support her in some sense while she's there physically or emotionally all the better as again it relieves you of that responsibilty and allows you more time to focus on your needs and those of your families.

It is always hard not to be hurt, but we also have to grab comfort where ever we can find them. This could be a huge gift to yourself and your marriage whether she intended it or not. Your sister getting involved with your mom may be to spite you but again, it could end up being a great gift to you even if not intended if you allow yourself to approach it with the right mindset and work on shutting out the attacks.

I wish you well as you continue with your healing and dealing with this situation. Peace and best wishes.

[Kristina]

Dear Christina, Joy and Daisy,

I cannot begin to express the kindness and love your words have on me.:o

Thank-you sooooo much for caring. You three are very right in your responces to my thread....my husbands' been saying those things for months now. It IS true, you can't see the forest thru the trees. Translation: I wanted to see my mom for what I WANTED her to be, not who she IS.

Yes, you are right......the fac. she's in now is a good placement. I am ok with it all really........I just hate the fact that all the work that me, my husband and his whole team had made available to us, went up in smoke. But that's the risk you take in life, right?

With all that said, the work involved with mom (i.e. finances, docs, etc.) was NOT the exhausting part of this whole 'caregiver' role I undertook, it was simply....the way she has treated me. I could NEVER ever think of treating my children like that.....it just amazes me.

Ladies, THANK-YOU again and Happy Valentines Day! This lady in CA. is sending you some love! ;)

OBTW, the rash is alittle better today after a shot of something I got at the doctor's office yesterday and the thyroid is trying to get it's own rythem again.

Talk with yall soon, Kristina

[Daisy]

It is hard to think about all the work you did preparing to go in one direction only to find there was another direction which in fact may even be easier but one thing it will give you is the peace of mind of knowing you tried every avenue to give her the option of being at home with you and then she chose to go another route. As time progresses you can remind yourself that you gave it every possible chance to work and it didn't happen.

When it was time for my Gram to go to the nursing home my Aunt and I got lots of critism for our choice. We were very comfortable because in our hearts we knew we pursued every "at home" option she had with aides, etc. before going that route. It didn't make it easy but it does give peace.

Remember there are lots of people who do understand and care.