I don't believe I've ever felt more down in my life.

[Valkyrie]

I know it may seem ridiculious to some of you, but at the moment, there's this guy that sort of captures my attention very easily. That's not the problem, the thing is, I always feel so depressed when I'm not talking to him or anything. At school, where I see him, I'm the happiest I've ever been, which lately is pretty good. Out of all the things that have been going on lately, he's one of the few that can really make me smile, even if I'm just thinking about him. I just left school a few hours ago and we were all playing halo and having a good time and he was actually talking to me and now that I'm not around him I just feel so down and I want to cry so much. I don't understand it. Nobody has ever made me feel that way. Why him? And what makes me feel like even more of a jerk......I already have a boyfriend and we're both friends with this guy. If it wasn't for my boyfriend i probably wouldn't even be talking to the guy right now. I just don't understand it. I'm sorry if this seems like a wasted post, but this is really bothering me and I'm not used to feelings like these.

[tic chick]

welcome valkyrie,*bunch

you are attracted to this guy!

there is a rumor going around that there is only one "soulmate" for everybody in this world. :rolleyes:

actually, you can be compatible with several people in your lifetime.

there is nothing wrong in feeling happy around this guy. talking to him and playing halo with him seem to be innocent activities. are you as happy with your boyfriend as you are with this new guy? that would be the question i would be asking myself.

only you know the answer.

if you are happy with your boyfriend, just chalk it up to liking to be around another guy. nothing wrong with having a guy friend.

but, if you are unhappy with your boyfriend and somebody else is making you happier, maybe you have to think about why you are unhappy with your boyfriend and if maybe you both should be free to date other people.

your feelings are true for you. it doesn't mean you have to do anything about them. feelings just are.

be open to all of life's experiences,
jeannie

[Buttons2]

Hi and welcome to BT. I have one question.....what is the game halo??

Jeannie had good advice,I can't think of anything to add. Plus it's been so many years since any guy flirted with me I can't recall the feeling!

Good luck,Buttons

[Ponygirl]

You say, you wouldn't, even, be talking to this guy, if, you weren't with
your boyfriend. If you like this guy, wouldn't you talk to him, because,
you like HIM?? How can your boyfriend be the only reason for talking to
someone, you like, already?? I'm confused!:confused:

Phyllis
P.S.:eek:Ah! I may have figured it out! Is there something wrong, between,
you & your boyfriend, so, you're talking to this guy, maybe, to get your boyfriend jealous??
Just, a thought!:)

[houghchrst]

Valkyrie, I know it is hard when you begin to like your boyfriend's friends. Are your feelings stronger for your boyfriend than the friend? Has his friend even hinted at wanting more from you? Does the friend have a girl? There are women all over the world that are attracted to one of their husband's/boyfriend's friends but the mature love and loyalty for their mate over rules any feelings for the friend. Sexual attraction is very different than love. It is a fly by night thing that can hurt many people including yourself. If you do not have the type of relationship with your boyfriend that you would like then maybe you should stop seeing each other but by no means should you start dating his friend. That is a terrible thing to do and you do not want to be the reason that the two would become enemies, though I know some friends after a period of time may ask their friend about their feelings on dating someone the other has broken up with. If you do break up then you will not come in contact with the other friend so often and most likely these feelings will pass. I know it is depressing, maybe you already have some depression issues that should be addressed. I am sure this answer doesn't make you feel any better because any outcome someone is going to lose out. You have a lifetime ahead of you to find someone who is right for you and all this will probably be a dim memory. The feelings are real and you will have them again with someone at the right time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Nana4&cntn]

Valkrie,
Welcome to BT.

I must be so old. I Haven't ad a date in over 10 years.

Are you truely happy with your boyfriend? I remember being in a similar situation. But, I was in a horrible marriage. Once I got divorced I didn't wan to be around the other guy, or any guy.

I know I wasn't any help, but wanted to welcome you to the group.

Kathy

[Valkyrie]

You say, you wouldn't, even, be talking to this guy, if, you weren't with
your boyfriend. If you like this guy, wouldn't you talk to him, because,
you like HIM?? How can your boyfriend be the only reason for talking to
someone, you like, already?? I'm confused!:confused:

Phyllis
P.S.:eek:Ah! I may have figured it out! Is there something wrong, between,
you & your boyfriend, so, you're talking to this guy, maybe, to get your boyfriend jealous??
Just, a thought!:)

I'm not trying to make my boyfriend jealous. But apparently he gets jealous very easily. And there's nothing wrong between us. He just.....I don't know, he just sort of does the same thing every time we're around each other. He'll tell me how beautiful I am and stuff (and I'm not complaining about the stuff he says, I just would like it if he didn't say it every 5 mins.) and I never know what to say back because I'm not used to a guy telling me that stuff all the time.

And to be honest, I probably wouldn't be talking to the guy if my boyfriend were out of the picture because even though we have the same classes I don't really go out of my way to talk to people cause I sort of have a fear of them somewhat. I mean, this guy was the first one I talked to in this class but only because we were both outside waiting for our rides and he told me not to think I was the only out here doing that, cause that's what he thought when he first started there. And we talked a few times after that but then my boyfriend was always there so he was talking to him mostly.

[Valkyrie]

Valkyrie, I know it is hard when you begin to like your boyfriend's friends. Are your feelings stronger for your boyfriend than the friend? Has his friend even hinted at wanting more from you? Does the friend have a girl? There are women all over the world that are attracted to one of their husband's/boyfriend's friends but the mature love and loyalty for their mate over rules any feelings for the friend. Sexual attraction is very different than love. It is a fly by night thing that can hurt many people including yourself. If you do not have the type of relationship with your boyfriend that you would like then maybe you should stop seeing each other but by no means should you start dating his friend. That is a terrible thing to do and you do not want to be the reason that the two would become enemies, though I know some friends after a period of time may ask their friend about their feelings on dating someone the other has broken up with. If you do break up then you will not come in contact with the other friend so often and most likely these feelings will pass. I know it is depressing, maybe you already have some depression issues that should be addressed. I am sure this answer doesn't make you feel any better because any outcome someone is going to lose out. You have a lifetime ahead of you to find someone who is right for you and all this will probably be a dim memory. The feelings are real and you will have them again with someone at the right time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.


I don't know if my feelings are stronger. I mean, I like being around my boyfriend, he makes me smile and everything, but when I'm around (we'll call him Jordan) Jordan, i just feel so excited and have so much energy and i'm just so happy. Jordan doesn't have a girlfriend. Although when my boyfriend and I started going out, he would say things like "Nice isn't in my vocabulary, well it is but only under girlfriend." and then one day when it was really cold and I was shivering while we were standing outside waiting for our rides and he was saying it wasn't that cold and then he put his jacket on and that's when Jordan said "if that was me, i'd have given her the jacket." And then when we talk online he comments on the fact that we share the same taste in music and movies and how he never expected someone to like the same music he does and how he never met a girl that liked horror movies and stuff. And I wouldn't even think of ending my current relationship to go after Jordan. I just couldn't live with myself if I did that to my boyfriend. Plus I just don't want to find out what he'd do if I did, cause he seems to be insecure with himself about his previous relationships and how they never lasted. He'l already talking about us getting married and we havent been going out but 3 months. I'm just afraid he'd do something stupid or something.

[Valkyrie]

And I have to say thanks for welcoming me, and sorry that I didn't post in new members first, but this is really bothering me. Especially now that my boyfriend is starting to get jealous of Jordan because him and I talk too much for him.

[houghchrst]

Oh my, you mention that he is talking marriage after three months and alarm bells starting ringing in my head and I see flashing red lights, LOL. Funny but in my experience it is usually the girls that are talking like that. (I have a 15 yr old son) Have you talked to anyone that he use to date? Do you know why the other relationships ended? Did he leave them or did they leave him? Do you mind if I ask how old you guys are? It sounds as if you are pretty young and if that is the case then all I can say without more info is tell you that these years are hopefully the worse you may go through. I probably sound like your mother but hormones, depression, love, lust, rejection, crushes are all going to seem like major life changing events and while they do help cultivate who you are they will pass. If you do find out that your boyfriend has some severe issues and that is why he suffered so many breakups then I would suggest you break it off gently but immediately. Do not reach out to "Jordan" and have very limited contact with him to kind of get an idea of how the breakup will be handled. You may find that with the limited contact then your feelings change. If all goes well then maybe at a later time if you are both interested then you two may be able to go out. I really don't know what else to say. Keep us updated.

[Valkyrie]

Oh my, you mention that he is talking marriage after three months and alarm bells starting ringing in my head and I see flashing red lights, LOL. Funny but in my experience it is usually the girls that are talking like that. (I have a 15 yr old son) Have you talked to anyone that he use to date? Do you know why the other relationships ended? Did he leave them or did they leave him? Do you mind if I ask how old you guys are? It sounds as if you are pretty young and if that is the case then all I can say without more info is tell you that these years are hopefully the worse you may go through. I probably sound like your mother but hormones, depression, love, lust, rejection, crushes are all going to seem like major life changing events and while they do help cultivate who you are they will pass. If you do find out that your boyfriend has some severe issues and that is why he suffered so many breakups then I would suggest you break it off gently but immediately. Do not reach out to "Jordan" and have very limited contact with him to kind of get an idea of how the breakup will be handled. You may find that with the limited contact then your feelings change. If all goes well then maybe at a later time if you are both interested then you two may be able to go out. I really don't know what else to say. Keep us updated.
I can't talk to anyone he used to date because they don't live around here and I'm not sure why the relationships ended but if I had to guess I 'd say because he went a bit too fast for them. I'm pretty sure they left him, but not certain. We are both 20. Yeah, I know it's mainly girls that talk like that about marriage and stuff but for some reason that's how he is. I'm not one for that kind of stuff until about a few years in and even then, I have to be pretty dang sure that's what I want. I feel bad for saying this but I've often told my family that he's more of a girl than I am. I feel so bad for that, but that's how it seems.

[Buttons2]

OK, since I'm old enough to be your granmother I'll chime in here. You're all college students right? And you have more years of schooling ahead right?

I agree what you feel for "Jordan" is sexual attraction,nothing wrong with that! Except for the fact he's your boyfriend's friend that is. Makes him off limits for now-right?

Now about your boyfriend,3 mos into the relationship & he's talking marriage? Ask yourself why? You're already picking up bad vibes or you wouldn't have mentioned this.

Maybe this is time to back off,I'm not saying break up-just make it clear you don't want to get on the fast track with him right now.

And why has he said his other relationship's ended? Most guys like to talk about themselves,past girlfriends included. You might get more insight if you just ask him what happened.

I hope you have other interests in your life,such as a plan for your future? And I'm kinda curious what your girlfriend's think of this guy you're dating? Sometimes they can be your best "mirror" so to speak.

You made a comment that he's more girlie than you are. Want to clarify that? More romantic?

Just from what you've written so far I think you're looking for someone else,and possibly have a gut feeling your boyfriend is too possessive & perhaps even phoney.

[Valkyrie]

OK, since I'm old enough to be your granmother I'll chime in here. You're all college students right? And you have more years of schooling ahead right?

I agree what you feel for "Jordan" is sexual attraction,nothing wrong with that! Except for the fact he's your boyfriend's friend that is. Makes him off limits for now-right?

Now about your boyfriend,3 mos into the relationship & he's talking marriage? Ask yourself why? You're already picking up bad vibes or you wouldn't have mentioned this.

Maybe this is time to back off,I'm not saying break up-just make it clear you don't want to get on the fast track with him right now.

And why has he said his other relationship's ended? Most guys like to talk about themselves,past girlfriends included. You might get more insight if you just ask him what happened.

I hope you have other interests in your life,such as a plan for your future? And I'm kinda curious what your girlfriend's think of this guy you're dating? Sometimes they can be your best "mirror" so to speak.

You made a comment that he's more girlie than you are. Want to clarify that? More romantic?

Just from what you've written so far I think you're looking for someone else,and possibly have a gut feeling your boyfriend is too possessive & perhaps even phoney.

He doesn't really like to about his past relationships unless they relate to some problem we have now. I know he said girls seemed to break-up with him a few days after going out with him just to be with some other guy. He hasn't really been around anyone I know a lot. They've met him but that's about it. They all like him from what they've seen of him.
I don't know if I'd call it romantic, he just says sweet things all the time and he's always talking about how he wishes we were together right then and how one day we will be together more and all that stuff. I always figured girls would be the one to say stuff like that.

I don't know if I'd call him phoney, but I have noticed that he does seem a bit possessive. Yesterday we were hanging out after school with Jordan and another friend and when the other friend left Jordan came over and started talking to us. I noticed how my boyfriend kept his arm around me the whole time. He hasn't ever done that before.

[houghchrst]

Okay, I hate to say this but everything you write about this guy is sending off alarm bells in my head. He is possessive, jealous, wants to get married after only 3 months, wishes you were together every moment, you will be together more in the future, girlfriends broke up with him for other guys (which quite frankly I don't believe to be the whole truth but may be how he perceives it). If he has started to notice that you and "Jordan" have developed a rapport then he just may stop hanging around his friend very often and I believe things are going to come to a head soon. He is liable to become even more possessive. Trying to control your every move, calling constantly to see what you are doing, where you are, who you are with are all signs to watch out for. I am sure you know these things but if your relationship starts to become uncomfortable (having nothing to do with "Jordan") then get out. Don't wait for things to get worse. I wonder how you met this guy especially since no one you know really truly knows him. How long has "Jordan" known him and is it possible to get more info from him find out if he has ever confided in him. Have you guys all just met at school? I really hope that any misgivings I have are wrong, maybe there is nothing wrong and you just have a crush on Jordan and your boyfriend is perfectly normal, I hope so, but ask my son how often I am correct when it comes to the little signals that we often miss when we are in the thick of things. Good luck and please don't let anything I say skew your vision of what is going on but make sure you sometimes take a step back and try to look at things from outside. If I am wrong then love your man and admire Jordan from afar. No harm in looking.

[Buttons2]

OK, by keeping his arm around you the second Jordan came around he's saying "back off,this is MY girl".

Do you have a close friendship with another female? It's natural for a new couple to spend alot of time together,however it's also normal after 3 mos for your other friends to have spent enough time with this guy to have some input......

You began this thread stating you've never felt more down in your life.....meaning you missed Jordan right? Well ya can't have both of them! So perhaps you should focus on just what it is you do want?

Maybe a time out from guys would help?

[Valkyrie]

Okay, I hate to say this but everything you write about this guy is sending off alarm bells in my head. He is possessive, jealous, wants to get married after only 3 months, wishes you were together every moment, you will be together more in the future, girlfriends broke up with him for other guys (which quite frankly I don't believe to be the whole truth but may be how he perceives it). If he has started to notice that you and "Jordan" have developed a rapport then he just may stop hanging around his friend very often and I believe things are going to come to a head soon. He is liable to become even more possessive. Trying to control your every move, calling constantly to see what you are doing, where you are, who you are with are all signs to watch out for. I am sure you know these things but if your relationship starts to become uncomfortable (having nothing to do with "Jordan") then get out. Don't wait for things to get worse. I wonder how you met this guy especially since no one you know really truly knows him. How long has "Jordan" known him and is it possible to get more info from him find out if he has ever confided in him. Have you guys all just met at school? I really hope that any misgivings I have are wrong, maybe there is nothing wrong and you just have a crush on Jordan and your boyfriend is perfectly normal, I hope so, but ask my son how often I am correct when it comes to the little signals that we often miss when we are in the thick of things. Good luck and please don't let anything I say skew your vision of what is going on but make sure you sometimes take a step back and try to look at things from outside. If I am wrong then love your man and admire Jordan from afar. No harm in looking.


I was talking to him last night about songs that describe us and we got on the subject of Big and Rich. He told he likes the song Lost in the Moment and wants it played at our wedding. That's when he said "I'm thinking too far ahead arent I?" He said that was why his other relationships ended. Because he over thinks things.

We all met at school. Last semester was the first time any of us ever saw each other. He doesn't really live anywhere near me and he's either always at home or at work, so no one I know has a chance to get to know him better. I'm not sure if he confides in Jordan or not. I know they talk a lot and apparently he spends time at Jordan's house, but I'm not sure if he confides in him. It's weird though, cause if anyone else in class asks him about Jordan (if Jordan isn't there yet) he tells them "what do I look like his babysitter?" kinda like he gets annoyed with him.

[Valkyrie]

OK, by keeping his arm around you the second Jordan came around he's saying "back off,this is MY girl".

Do you have a close friendship with another female? It's natural for a new couple to spend alot of time together,however it's also normal after 3 mos for your other friends to have spent enough time with this guy to have some input......

You began this thread stating you've never felt more down in your life.....meaning you missed Jordan right? Well ya can't have both of them! So perhaps you should focus on just what it is you do want?

Maybe a time out from guys would help?


We don't really hang out with each other outside of school that much due to work. I work when he doesn't and vice versa. We get together to watch movies at the mall and stuff but that's just us. No friends around.

I know I can't have both of them. It's just weird because he's the only one that's ever made me feel like that. I don't know why either.

To be honest with you, I'm not sure a time out from guys would help or not. This guy is technically, my first boyfriend.

[Tootsie]

Reading over all the postings on this makes me think that perhaps you need to cultivate some girl friends to hang out with. While it is nice to have a boy friend, it sounds as if this relationship is getting way to intense for your time of life. It is always acceptable to find a group to hang out with, where everyone is friends and no two people are considered a "couple."

When I was that age....LONG, Long ago, I would have considered your boyfriends behavior suffocating. Cheerio.

[Valkyrie]

Reading over all the postings on this makes me think that perhaps you need to cultivate some girl friends to hang out with. While it is nice to have a boy friend, it sounds as if this relationship is getting way to intense for your time of life. It is always acceptable to find a group to hang out with, where everyone is friends and no two people are considered a "couple."

When I was that age....LONG, Long ago, I would have considered your boyfriends behavior suffocating. Cheerio.


I never really did have any girl friends to hang out with, not even when I was younger. I always played with the boys in my class. The girls always thought that whatever the guys were doing was gross or whatever, I didn't. I never know how to act around girls anyway. They expect me to talk and complain about whatever it is they talk about. All the girls I know expect me to talk about guys and stuff and giggle and all that, but I'm just not comfortable doing that. Last semester when I realized I was the only girl in the class, you have no idea how comfortable I felt.

And yeah, I sort of do find his behavior a bit much. I just don't like hurting his feelings by telling him to back off a bit. He kinda seems a bit broken when he talks about how his other girlfriends broke up with him for going too fast. I can't do that to him. He does seem to know though when he does go too fast, cause he backs off for a while.

[Tootsie]

Valkyrie, the same principle applies, even if you hang out and feel more comfortable with the guys. Cultivate groups and do things together. When my adult daughter was your age, she had several male friends. While they might have wished for a different type of relationship, she made sure that they knew that she was only their friend. She was careful never to touch them in any way. Growing up with 3 brothers, both older and younger than she, made it easier for her to relate with boys, than girls.

Actually, she did do some of the "girly" things...like song girl at the various male teams in high school. However, she only did it for one year, just to say she did. She, like you, found some of those gossipy, giggly, mundane activities, boring.

Even after she married, she continued to see the same groups of people, with maybe a ratio of 2:1 of the guys over the girls. Two of them were brother and sister.

You might also try concentrating more on school and the things that you find interesting or challenging there. Learn a new skill...even if it's auto repair! Suggest to your boy friend that you pick up X,Y and Z, when you plan an activity, saying it's more fun when there's a crowd. Use Frisbees, beach balls, or any other sport to get a group of friends together. That, more than anything else will convey to your boy friend that you are not ready for such an intense 1:1 relationship. His hurt feelings are not really your problem. Do not let him assume that you feel the same way he does. Honesty, cannot ever be considered mean or nasty. Cheerio.

[cheyriver]

I think we are drawn to other people but sometimes don't know why. It's like a hidden chemistry or an aura that draws us in.

I am wondering if there is something you see in Jordan that you like that may be missing in your relationship with your bf?

With your bf talking about marriage only after 3 months of being together is too quick in my opinion. It takes awhile to really get to know someone. I'm not trying to be a party pooper I'm just saying please be careful.

If he comes too possessive, controlling sometimes that can lead to an abusive relationship.

Also I agree with others. Maybe have a group activity and go to the beach, play volleyball, play pool etc. It helps to get out with some friends and it may even help the two of you in your relationship.

I hope this helped. Please keep us updated. :)

[Valkyrie]

I think we are drawn to other people but sometimes don't know why. It's like a hidden chemistry or an aura that draws us in.

I am wondering if there is something you see in Jordan that you like that may be missing in your relationship with your bf?

With your bf talking about marriage only after 3 months of being together is too quick in my opinion. It takes awhile to really get to know someone. I'm not trying to be a party pooper I'm just saying please be careful.

If he comes too possessive, controlling sometimes that can lead to an abusive relationship.

Also I agree with others. Maybe have a group activity and go to the beach, play volleyball, play pool etc. It helps to get out with some friends and it may even help the two of you in your relationship.

I hope this helped. Please keep us updated. :)

I think Jordan does have something that my boyfriend doesn't. I mean, Jordan and I both have more similar tastes in music and movies. I don't think that he would behave the same way if he had a girlfriend as my boyfriend does. He'd be a gentleman and everything, yes, but he wouldn't constantly want to tell her how beautiful he thinks she is or anything. That right there, sort of gets me. I don't mind it every now and then, but not every 5 minutes.

I think Jordan may like me, but i'm not sure. He's been sending my boyfriend sentences, that he says are in german but I know there not they don't even look german, that say I love you with a deep passion (that one was apparently directed at me according to my boyfriend)and she is a lovely girl. He definitely talks to me more and he's starting touching me more, not perverted or anything but just simple hand on shoulder and clap on the back. And for some reason he sort stepped closer to me when we were in lab one day. He had plenty of room behind room but he stepped closer to me, after my boyfriend went to get something on the other side of the room. And then there's the way he looks at me, like he's really interested in whatever i have to say. My boyfriend doesn't exactly do that. I can try to talk about whats bothering me, and he even asks sometimes, but he still looks like "I didn't really expect you to say something was bothering you, now I regret i asked". I hate that.

[Valkyrie]

Well, the only group thing we do is when we computer games. We'll go into an empty room and there'll be about 4 of us and we'll play. But that's pretty much it. Otherwise neither of us get out much.

[Buttons2]

Well why don't you just break up with BF & allow yourself to be free to date Jordan or any other guy you like? I think you're wasting time & that BF is more an old habit than someone you truly care for. He seems to ignore your feelings. Just my 2 cents.

[houghchrst]

I must say I agree with Buttons. You said this bf is your first real one well now you know what it can be like so I suggest you move on, because it can be better. You deserve to be heard and have your feelings acknowledged. He is a big boy and if he can't handle it then that is on him, not you. He obviously has issues he needs to address before he can be in a relationship. You don't want to waste your or his time. Lots of life to be lived.

Good luck.

[Buttons2]

Valkyrie,I hope my last reply didn't seem like I don't want to read anymore about BF. We're here for you no matter what you decide to do with your situation.

Most of us have alot more experience with men than you do,and we just want you to put yourself first. At your age you should be enjoying the company of many different friends.

Trust me,the 20's go by far too quickly!

Take care,Buttons

[Valkyrie]

It's sort of hard to even think of breaking things off though. Not because I think that I should love him and all that, but it feels like if I do that right now, it's going to screw things up between me, him, and Jordan and other people that we both know. It doesn't feel right yet. I guess you could say I'm afraid that we won't talk as just friends and that Jordan and I won't really talk to each other either. I really do enjoy Jordan's company and I don't want to risk losing his friendship just because my boyfriend is a bit too much for me. And I really don't want that to happen.

[Buttons2]

Ah,the lovelife of a twenty year old! Brings back memories......I predict things will come to a head in the near future. Sometimes we don't have to act on a situation ourselves,something comes along to make the decision for us.

You're right,breaking off with BF would change the whole scenario,just don't let that keep you from being happy!Maybe Jordan will make his move soon? If he likes you & you like him I'm guessing something will happen that will get BF out of the picture.

Here's hoping that your patience & sensitivity will pay off!
Buttons

[Valkyrie]

Ah,the lovelife of a twenty year old! Brings back memories......I predict things will come to a head in the near future. Sometimes we don't have to act on a situation ourselves,something comes along to make the decision for us.

You're right,breaking off with BF would change the whole scenario,just don't let that keep you from being happy!Maybe Jordan will make his move soon? If he likes you & you like him I'm guessing something will happen that will get BF out of the picture.

Here's hoping that your patience & sensitivity will pay off!
Buttons


I really hope your right. About everything. Although I kinda thought Jordan would have made a move already. I'm pretty sure he knows I talk to him more than I do my boyfriend. I'm also pretty sure Jordan knows more about me than my boyfriend. When it's just us, he'll ask me about my family and everything, my boyfriend doesn't. It's also sort of funny to me that whenever Jordan comes up with a different nickname for me, and my boyfriend hears him call me that, he'll call me that too. I just get the feeling he's doing it so that Jordan doesn't have a name only he calls me.

[houghchrst]

Okay, have you read what you just wrote,

It's sort of hard to even think of breaking things off though. Not because I think that I should love him and all that, but it feels like if I do that right now, it's going to screw things up between me, him, and Jordan and other people that we both know. It doesn't feel right yet. I guess you could say I'm afraid that we won't talk as just friends and that Jordan and I won't really talk to each other either. I really do enjoy Jordan's company and I don't want to risk losing his friendship just because my boyfriend is a bit too much for me. And I really don't want that to happen.you want to stay with this guy because it might screw up the relationship you have with another guy. Now where on the scale does that rate compared to the I don't want to break up with him because it may hurt his feelings. So you stay with him until Jordan makes his move then dump him? Now you are just plain using him. Honey leave him now. Stop wasting his time and yours and if Jordan doesn't make his move then he doesn't want you. You will just have to deal with that.

[Valkyrie]

Okay, have you read what you just wrote,

you want to stay with this guy because it might screw up the relationship you have with another guy. Now where on the scale does that rate compared to the I don't want to break up with him because it may hurt his feelings. So you stay with him until Jordan makes his move then dump him? Now you are just plain using him. Honey leave him now. Stop wasting his time and yours and if Jordan doesn't make his move then he doesn't want you. You will just have to deal with that.

I didn't think of things like that. I sound like a complete jerk, don't I. I'm not like that, really. It's just that I feel stresed out with all these feelings and stuff and they just really mess with me. These things are just so complicated, I think I liked it better when it was just me hanging out with the guys. I didn't have to worry about any of this stuff.

[houghchrst]

I know what you mean, I have three brothers and I always hung out with the guys. I hated the mean, vindictive, manipulative girls my age. I know it is hard when you care about somebody and you are terrified that if you make the wrong move or say the wrong thing then it could be all gone. If it is meant to be then it will be. I went through that with a guy who I met through my brother and he had a girlfriend and they had a child and had been together for a long time and he led me to believe that they were unhappy together and would not last long. I thought I was in love with him. More like lust. If he really had wanted to be with me then he would have left his girlfriend instead of cheating on her. I feel terrible now and regret it but it is too late to take it back. We were young and I thought I was in love. I have no idea where he is now. I found someone and we have been together almost 10 years. Your current boyfriend also deserves a chance to find someone right for him. If you do not care for him as much as he cares for you then let him go.

[Buttons2]

OK, you said what YOU want finally! Tell BF the same thing you told us.....you would rather go back to being just friends & hanging out together! Nothing wrong with that,and BF should be able to accept what you want if he cares for you at all.

I have a question: did BF push for this inclusive relationship?

[Valkyrie]

OK, you said what YOU want finally! Tell BF the same thing you told us.....you would rather go back to being just friends & hanging out together! Nothing wrong with that,and BF should be able to accept what you want if he cares for you at all.

I have a question: did BF push for this inclusive relationship?


Not really. We talked at school, for about 2-3 months before. The first day we met though, we'd talk, then he'd tell me i was pretty, then we'd talk, then he'd tell me he thought i was pretty.

[houghchrst]

Listen, you really sound like this relationship is just not working. You sound like you are just along for the ride for lack of anything better. Neither of you should be in this relationship so I suggest you get out. Let him go and move on with your life. Concentrate on your school work, leave yourself open for other entertainment and new friends. Too soon for any long term commitments. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are wasting your time in this unsatisfactory relationship.

[Valkyrie]

Listen, you really sound like this relationship is just not working. You sound like you are just along for the ride for lack of anything better. Neither of you should be in this relationship so I suggest you get out. Let him go and move on with your life. Concentrate on your school work, leave yourself open for other entertainment and new friends. Too soon for any long term commitments. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are wasting your time in this unsatisfactory relationship.

Ok. Your absolutely right.

[Buttons2]

Well,do what seems right for you.This relationship sounds like it's not the right thing. Good luck,and please keep posting!

[houghchrst]

Valkyrie, hi. I hope you don't leave us. We are here anytime you just want to chat, need to cry or rant. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

[Valkyrie]

Valkyrie, hi. I hope you don't leave us. We are here anytime you just want to chat, need to cry or rant. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

I don't plan on leaving. It's just been really hard to get online what with everything else that's going on.
Right now, just thinking about all this, it scares me, absolutely terrifies me.

Plus I just, I'm not used to talking to people about just anything. Normally they tell me to shut up or just ignore me. So I don't talk to anyone about anything, unless I feel it's safe to and I feel like I'm not complaining too much about stuff they really don't want to hear about.

[houghchrst]

V complain away. That is another of the reasons that we all enjoy coming here. We know we can vent and not be judged or criticized for it.

I know that your type of situation can be quite terrifying. Take your time but do what you know in your heart is right. You will be surprised that when it is all over you will have a great feeling of freedom. As though a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

Have a great day.

[Buttons2]

Can you pinpoint what terrifies you about breaking off with this guy? Are you actually afraid of his reaction? I'm sure you realize it's not healthy to allow another person to control your actions. How can we help?

[Tootsie]

Valkryie, can you be more specific about what it is that terrifies you when you think of the boyfriend situation? It doesn't really matter if you share it with us, but you should try and identify it for yourself.

If it is the thought of a confrontation type situation, please be reassured that you are not alone. There are many of us who have dealt with unpleasant and miserable situations just because we do not wish to confront the person or situation involved. That is part of growing up and maturing.

Is there a counselor and teacher at school that you could talk to? That, too, can be hard, the first time. However, think of it like a pair of crutches if you have a bad ankle sprain. You use them while your ankle is healing but discard them when you no longer need them. Counselors, psychiatric social workers, psychologists are all like that. Sometimes friends can be helpful, but risky if there are things that you will regret the friend knowing. Cheerio.

[Valkyrie]

I'm not afraid of his reaction. Not at all. I don't let guys intimidate me, they want to rumble with me, I'll rumble. I just don't like confrontations of any kind where it might involve arguments and stuff. And I have issues with talking to people about stuff like this. People say they're there for you but they don't really mean it. When you actually start to talk about whatever they don't really want to hear it. They just said that so you would think they'd be there for you and it gives you comfort, so you don't ever really need to talk about anything.

[Tootsie]

Valkyrie, what you have described is a friend who wants to be helpful but becomes overwhelmed, with what you are telling them, and literally, does not KNOW how to respond.

A professional counselor is much different. They have been to school, trained and educated, in how to respond, and how to be truly helpful in listening to a clients story. Over a period of time, they have learned how to deal with their own feelings about anything you tell them. Believe me, there is NO story they haven't heard before, and been trained to deal with.

Yes, it is difficult, the first time you find yourself in their office. I was so helpless, I simply knew that I had to be honest, and have faith in their professional ability to help me sort it all out. The Kleenex is always in the top desk drawer. Cheerio.

[Nana4&cntn]

Valkyrie,

I am with Tootsie on this. Since you are attending college you should have access to a counselor there on campus. If they can't help I am sure they can direct you to someone who can. There are clinics that have sliding scales if you do not have insurance. I really think this is a good idea for you.
College is supposed to be a fun time in ones life, along with the higher education you are there for first and foremost.
Sorryto sound like a mom here, but, I am one. They are 28,26,24. All have completed college and are living in the realworld now. They have children and families. I hope for your sake you can find a way out of the situation you are in and get some professional help.

Take care,
Kathy

[xxx Kac]

yeah u obvesouly like him.... dar =p i say just play it out and see what happens...i mean he could just a person you really want to get to know, be good friends with, it doesnt mean attraction necessarily....but yeah just play it out....if he makes u happy then go and talk to him more, its not cheating...its jut MAKING YOU HAPPY? just hangin with him =p

[houghchrst]

Valkyrie, just wanted to know how things are going. Haven't heard from you in a bit. Hope all is well.

[Valkyrie]

Yeah, sorry. Been a bit busy with work, school and other stuff. Things are going good, I guess. Havent broken up with my boyfriend. I think all we needed was to spend more time with each other. Cause before, the only time we saw each other was during school, which was sort of annoying for me because that just said to me that I wasn't interesting enough to hang out with outside of school. I don't know though. I'm afraid I'm gonna be too clingy for him though. Other than family members, people don't stay in my life for very long. I don't know why. I'm pretty sure it's me though that's the problem.

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted, we all were worried about you. Your post tonight doesn't sound very happy! Are you Okay? I take it you two do not live together? Thats is good if I am right.

Take care and keep us posted on how you are.
Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Sorry, didn't mean to worry anyone. I just haven't been able to get online for awhile. I suppose you could say things have been better than they are right now, but i guess i'll have to get used to it.

No we don't live together. He keeps talking about it when we're at my house, but I keep telling him no. He knows one of the big reasons I don't have my own place is because I want to make sure I'd be able to still help my mom out if she needed it.

[Nana4&cntn]

You sound like a wonderful person, to stay in case your mom needs help and to save money. Is your boyfriend still being very possessive and wanting to get married? If that is the case, staying with mom is another good thing. I know you are a very young woman, take time to develop friendships with groups of people. My son and daughter still remain friendships, from grade school,and college. Their friends were in their weddings. If your boyfriend is possessive and only wants to do thing alone, that is a very controlling person.
I dated someone like that about 10 years ago. He did everything he could do to make me totally dependent on him. I am happy to say, I got out of that one. He did a number on my self esteem. You stated things are better, does that mean you are happy and in love? It didn't sound as though that was so. what happened with his friend? Is he still around. Try to develop some friendships with girls, do group things and definitly do not move in with the boyfriend. They way you have said things in the past, gives me the heebie geebies.
Take care, and keep us updated,
Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Well, since I've been around him more lately, he hasn't really been possessive around anyone except Jordan. I don't understand that. He isn't talking about getting married anymore. I think my reactions to that subject have stopped him from doing that. Jordan is still around but we don't talk as much anymore, just in class. He's got a girlfriend of his own now. Which has me confused as to why we don't talk as much anymore. does him having a girlfriend mean that I can't talk to him anymore or something or what?

I don't mean to be rude or anything and please forgive me if I come off that way, but I didn't state things are better, I said they have been better. Right now I just want to find a place to escape to.

[Tootsie]

Valkyrie, for many of us, these forums are just what you wanted, "a place to escape to." I hope you don't feel, as if we are all telling you what to do, and what decisions to make. Many of us are much older, have had life experiences that have left emotional scars, and are perhaps too eager, to try and prevent young folks from repeating our mistakes.

Life is a journey, and there may be several detours and reverses during it's course. Work toward your own goals and find security for yourself, both financial and emotional. Sometimes things just work out in their own way and in their own time. Cheerio.

[The Dude]

God bless you Valkyrie :)

http://img138.**********.us/img138/435/grouphugym7.gif

[houghchrst]

Hi Valkyrie, glad you came back. Also glad your boyfriend has lightened up. Sounds like Jordan maybe liked you but decided that since he couldn't have you then he'd back off and find someone of his own. Sorry, maybe that is not it but just my take on things. Maybe he figures it would be disrespectful/disloyal to his girlfriend to be so friendly to you while they are together. Females can be very jealous. I would be. At least now you have more time with your boyfriend and he is not so clingy like he was about Jordan. Focus more on your relationship with him instead of the loss of the one with Jordan. Hope school is going well. When is spring break, did I miss that already lol? What did you do/will you do?

Have a great day.

[Valkyrie]

Hi Valkyrie, glad you came back. Also glad your boyfriend has lightened up. Sounds like Jordan maybe liked you but decided that since he couldn't have you then he'd back off and find someone of his own. Sorry, maybe that is not it but just my take on things. Maybe he figures it would be disrespectful/disloyal to his girlfriend to be so friendly to you while they are together. Females can be very jealous. I would be. At least now you have more time with your boyfriend and he is not so clingy like he was about Jordan. Focus more on your relationship with him instead of the loss of the one with Jordan. Hope school is going well. When is spring break, did I miss that already lol? What did you do/will you do?

Have a great day.
I suppose your right on the whole Jordan thing. I don't believe I've ever seen a guy that focused on his girlfriend though. She calls him and wants him to skip class or something, he does it. its just odd to me.

Yeah, Im glad he's not as clingy as well. School's going alright, as long as i get the time to work on my homework. Which hasn't been a lot lately. Spring break was last week. Billy and I spent most of the week at my house watching movies and just hanging out with each other. It was pretty cool.

[Valkyrie]

Valkyrie, for many of us, these forums are just what you wanted, "a place to escape to." I hope you don't feel, as if we are all telling you what to do, and what decisions to make. Many of us are much older, have had life experiences that have left emotional scars, and are perhaps too eager, to try and prevent young folks from repeating our mistakes.

Life is a journey, and there may be several detours and reverses during it's course. Work toward your own goals and find security for yourself, both financial and emotional. Sometimes things just work out in their own way and in their own time. Cheerio.

Oh no, I definitely don't feel as if you telling me what to do.

I know. I've been trying to work toward my own goals but everything keeps getting screwed up. I keep trying to save money for a vehicle but something comes up so I end up having to spend that money on something else. As long as it's important I don't mind but it's getting frustrating having to ask someone for a car everytime I need to go somewhere.

[Nana4&cntn]

Valkyrie,

I think of you often, My daughter like you had to work through college. I always worried she would not get enough sleep, or enough time to do her school work. I became very worried when she met her now husband that the time she had with him was time away from studies and sleep.
Please take care of yourself and make your studies seriously, and in your spare time spend it with your boy friend. Remember this is YOUR future, and do you see your boyfriend in your future and what you want in life?

I know I sound like a mom, that's because I am. I think you are an intelligent young woman, I just want you to succeed in life. Make yourself number one!!

Remember we care for you,
Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Valkyrie,

I think of you often, My daughter like you had to work through college. I always worried she would not get enough sleep, or enough time to do her school work. I became very worried when she met her now husband that the time she had with him was time away from studies and sleep.
Please take care of yourself and make your studies seriously, and in your spare time spend it with your boy friend. Remember this is YOUR future, and do you see your boyfriend in your future and what you want in life?

I know I sound like a mom, that's because I am. I think you are an intelligent young woman, I just want you to succeed in life. Make yourself number one!!

Remember we care for you,
Kathy


I don't mean to offend you, but you remind me of my grandma. She worries about that as well, whether or not I get enough sleep and how my studies are going. Right now, with the way things are going, I can see my boyfriend in my future. He's gotten to know me a bit more and can tell when he goes too far, so he backs off. When I first met him, I got this feeling that he would be the one to change things in my life. Emotionally, that is. He's really affectionate and I'm not really used to that. But I'm getting used to it. Still can't do all that mushy stuff though, that's still too weird for me. He gets it though, I think. As for what I want out of life, nothing really. I'm happy with the way things are right now. I mean, I'll eventually move out and everything but in time. There's only one thing I have a problem with right now, but I can't do anything to improve that situation. There's only one person that can do that, and I'm not so sure he understands the whole thing. Which makes things even worse, because he shouldn't be like that, wasn't like that 5 months ago.

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi There,

No offense taken as I am a Grandma, I just go by Nana. I am happy to here things are going better. I am concerned you think he is the one who will change your life. Sweetie, only you can change your life!! You may be able to lean on others but it is you who is responsible for you, if that makes sense.

What is your major in College? Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? I also have some questions about the "mushy things" I will pm you with my questions and hope you will respond.

I hope you still remain yourself and not try to fit into what he wants. It is so easy to do this and so hard to stop. I know this first hand!!

I am so sorry I bomb barded you with questions!! I just want to get to know you better.

Take care and keep posting,
Hugs, Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Hi There,

No offense taken as I am a Grandma, I just go by Nana. I am happy to here things are going better. I am concerned you think he is the one who will change your life. Sweetie, only you can change your life!! You may be able to lean on others but it is you who is responsible for you, if that makes sense.

What is your major in College? Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? I also have some questions about the "mushy things" I will pm you with my questions and hope you will respond.

I hope you still remain yourself and not try to fit into what he wants. It is so easy to do this and so hard to stop. I know this first hand!!

I am so sorry I bomb barded you with questions!! I just want to get to know you better.

Take care and keep posting,
Hugs, Kathy

I didn't really mean he would be the one to change my life, just certain aspects of it. Sort of make me open up more instead of being closed off emotionally. And I know what you mean by it is me that is responsible for me, I'm not comfortable relying on others for anything, makes me uncomfortable.

My major in college is computer programming. As for where I see my self in 5-10 years, I have no clue. Haven't really thought about. I mean i know a lot of people strive for a great career and all that, but I don't see the point. What good is life if you can't enjoy it? I don't see how you can do that if your worried about your job or something. Unless its a job you like. I know I'd love to be a trucker, but right now I don't think thats possible. Gotta stick around here till I know everything's gonna be cool again. I don't like leaving anyone in my family high and dry and needing something.

Could you explain what you mean by fitting into what he wants, I don't get what you mean exactly. Sorry.

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi There,

I meant to be just yourself and not try to be something you are not. Some women change to be "what the man in their life wants them to be" For example My Aunt changed her whole life and beliefs to cater to her now Husband. I think anyone who does that loses themselves in the process.

I have started down that path once and said "Whoa" Either he loves me for me of he can take a hike!!.

I hope that explains what I said.

Take care,
Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Yeah that explains it. I don't do that. I am myself around him, I don't try to be something I'm not, then I wouldn't feel comfortable being around him, cause I'd have to keep up appearances and everything, which is not cool.

[Nana4&cntn]

Valkyrie,

I am so glad you are you!! You made a lot of sense in how you explained it. I wanted to ask you about my explanation of "red flags" I described in the pm. I hope it helped.

Take care and keep in touch,
Kathy

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi Valkyrie,

Computer Programming can be a very lucrative career field. You should be able to walk into anywhere and have a job. Do you not like your major?

I have known several truckers who wish they could do anything but driving a truck. I can understand wanting to get away from everything. Is that why you want to be a trucker? It is a very lonely job!:(

I think you are a wonderful young woman and have the world at your feet. You can be anything you want to be!! I think we need to really work on your self esteem. To help you set goals, I am sure you can attain anything you want!!

How are things at home with your family? Do you have a good relationship with your folks? Do you have siblings? Do you live at home or in the dorms at school?

So many questions, so little time. Please hang with us!! We will help you the best we can, I promise!! I do not break my promises!!

Take care sweetie,
Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Hi Valkyrie,

Computer Programming can be a very lucrative career field. You should be able to walk into anywhere and have a job. Do you not like your major?

I have known several truckers who wish they could do anything but driving a truck. I can understand wanting to get away from everything. Is that why you want to be a trucker? It is a very lonely job!:(

I think you are a wonderful young woman and have the world at your feet. You can be anything you want to be!! I think we need to really work on your self esteem. To help you set goals, I am sure you can attain anything you want!!

How are things at home with your family? Do you have a good relationship with your folks? Do you have siblings? Do you live at home or in the dorms at school?

So many questions, so little time. Please hang with us!! We will help you the best we can, I promise!! I do not break my promises!!

Take care sweetie,
Kathy

I like my major, it's just that everyone thinks thats what I should do for the rest of my life. I've got no problem with my major, I do want to work with computers and stuff but I want a job I love, not just something I'm doing because I've got nothing else to do.

I've always wanted to be a trucker because they travel a lot. Growing my parents got me used to being on the move with all the moving we did. I just love it. Plus my aunt's husband is a trucker and the only reason she doesn't go with him when he's out is cause of the kids. I don't like being stuck in the same place for too long. I start to get stressed out too easy.

Things at home....were better 5 months ago. That was before i was in an accident with my parents. But if it weren't for that accident, they wouldn't have found the anuerysm in my dad's brain. His second one. They said this one would have killed him. The surgery went fine but he had a stroke afterwards and he was in a coma for about a month or so. He can't move his left side, walk, or talk, or swallow. He can't sit up or anything. He's in a nursing home right now going through therapy. My mom and I have been staying with my grandma. None of us have any space and we're always around each other. My mom's condition doesn't help much any either. She has epilepsy and they doctors don't know how to control them anymore. They are starting to affect her memory and such. She's becoming more forgetful and it's not hard to make her mad anymore. I have one younger sister, but she skipped out on us a few months ago because she thought she was being too restrained. If she didn't act the way she did and sneak out and lie all the time, she would have been fine. I don't know why she did that stuff.

[Tootsie]

Valkryie, you have a lot going on in your life right now. Have you talked with any of your Dad's doctors to see what the long range plan is for his future care? It does not sound as if he will be able to return to work. Nor, does it sound as if your Mom will be able to take care of him, without some kind of supportive services, like home care, and continuing physical therapy. At the nursing home, there should be a social worker who can help your family make decisions about how to proceed. Cheerio.

[Valkyrie]

Valkryie, you have a lot going on in your life right now. Have you talked with any of your Dad's doctors to see what the long range plan is for his future care? It does not sound as if he will be able to return to work. Nor, does it sound as if your Mom will be able to take care of him, without some kind of supportive services, like home care, and continuing physical therapy. At the nursing home, there should be a social worker who can help your family make decisions about how to proceed. Cheerio.

At first they said he'd only be in there 6 months to a year. But that's not how it's working out. People keep slipping him drinks which causes him to get pneumonia which puts him back in the hospital which sets him back on therapy. My mom won't be able to take care of him anyway, he was the one taking care of her.

[Tootsie]

Valkryie, I guess you, your Mom and grandmother have to take care of each other. If the nursing home is aware that visitors keep giving your Dad drinks, it is up to them to intervene, and educate them as to how their actions impair his recovery.

I do hope that with all the changes and turmoil surrounding your folks, that you can stay focused on your education. That is something that will be yours, forever, and no one can take it away from you. Difficult as it might be, at some point you will be grateful for the time and effort that you put in.

As for being a trucker, I have a great nephew who literally ambled his way through school, had a series of minimum wage jobs, and finally was trained as a long distance trucker. He drives all over the country, uses a radio, a computer, telephone, etc and absolutely loves his job. About every 2 months he gets home to see his folks but stays in touch with them daily. You may be able to combine both computer skills AND trucking. Cheerio.

[Nana4&cntn]

Valkerie,

I am so sorry things have been bad, the others have given you such good advice!!
I feel so bad as I made you a promise then disappeared. My laptop keyboard bit the dust. I am using a borrowed keyboard and should have another laptop tomorrow. I really hate this keyboard! It is difficult make changes and these keys are way too big! Please excuse my typing.

I have been thinking of you a great deal, was your Dad Military? The reason I asked is you said you moved around a lot. Tootsie, was so right about you education, that is yours forever. If you can try to stay away from some of the family problems and find time for yourself. How are you and your b/f? Make sure you make time for your studies even if it means spending time in the computer lab. I know this may be difficult, but you do need time away from the drama at home.

Sorry if I seem preachy, not my intention, I just want you to have your own time.

The others also gave you some great advice. Please take care and keep posting.

Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Valkerie,

I am so sorry things have been bad, the others have given you such good advice!!
I feel so bad as I made you a promise then disappeared. My laptop keyboard bit the dust. I am using a borrowed keyboard and should have another laptop tomorrow. I really hate this keyboard! It is difficult make changes and these keys are way too big! Please excuse my typing.

I have been thinking of you a great deal, was your Dad Military? The reason I asked is you said you moved around a lot. Tootsie, was so right about you education, that is yours forever. If you can try to stay away from some of the family problems and find time for yourself. How are you and your b/f? Make sure you make time for your studies even if it means spending time in the computer lab. I know this may be difficult, but you do need time away from the drama at home.

Sorry if I seem preachy, not my intention, I just want you to have your own time.

The others also gave you some great advice. Please take care and keep posting.

Kathy

Its cool. Things happen.

No my dad wasn't military, we just moved around a lot. I guess he'd just get tired of where we were living so he'd find somewhere else to live for awhile. I liked moving around a lot.

I can never find time for myself because every time i just mention going somewhere to be by myself, my grandma seems to get offended, like i have a problem with her and how she does things. My mom hates it when I'm alone anywhere, she thinks something is going to happen to me. If it weren't for school right now, and work, I'd be going to my aunts for while. I don't really have to worry about anything there. I know I need time away from the drama, but they don't seem to get that here, they get offended when I talk about going somewhere for longer than a day.
My boyfriend and I are doing pretty good. Spending more time together. I've got to talk to him about the whole display of affection around my family though. I can't do that around them, it's just too weird for me.

I try to make time for my studies, I do, but between work and home, it feels like I don't have enough time. If I didn't need the money so much, I'd ask them to cut my hours at work, but I can't do that.

You don't seem preachy, i get it.

[Valkyrie]

Valkryie, I guess you, your Mom and grandmother have to take care of each other. If the nursing home is aware that visitors keep giving your Dad drinks, it is up to them to intervene, and educate them as to how their actions impair his recovery.

I do hope that with all the changes and turmoil surrounding your folks, that you can stay focused on your education. That is something that will be yours, forever, and no one can take it away from you. Difficult as it might be, at some point you will be grateful for the time and effort that you put in.

As for being a trucker, I have a great nephew who literally ambled his way through school, had a series of minimum wage jobs, and finally was trained as a long distance trucker. He drives all over the country, uses a radio, a computer, telephone, etc and absolutely loves his job. About every 2 months he gets home to see his folks but stays in touch with them daily. You may be able to combine both computer skills AND trucking. Cheerio.


Yeah, I'm worried about that being the case, my mom and grandmother having to take care of each other, because as of now, my grandma is ready to take my mom back home and leave her there.
I know the nursing should intervene, but I don't know why they haven't yet.
Yeah, I try to stay focused on my education, its just hard to do that right now.

That would be awesome if I could combine both computer skills and trucking, I think I'd be set.

[Tootsie]

Valkyrie, you are not a child, and I think it totally appropriate that you ask to talk, either to the director of nursing, your Dad's doctor, or someone in charge of his care. That may be a "Case Manager." You could start by asking the charge nurse of his unit, or area, at the nursing home, just who you should talk to.

Tell them that you are concerned that visitors are giving your father alcohol and it is impairing his recovery. You would also like to discuss the home situation, as your mother is not well. Don't go into a lot of detail with the charge nurse. Save the details for the person who can intervene, refer your situation to a social worker, or make a plan for further care.

Others here, may have more suggestions for you. I know that Kathy (NANA) has worked as a social worker and may have more ideas. Hard as it is to stay focused on your studies, please make the effort. You may need to drop a course, or simply not register for as many units as you want, to keep your balance through this challenge. One of the most common mistakes young people make, is to register for a horrendous number of courses in the hope they can finish sooner. NOT a good idea. It all becomes overwhelming very, very quickly. Cheerio.

[Valkyrie]

Valkyrie, you are not a child, and I think it totally appropriate that you ask to talk, either to the director of nursing, your Dad's doctor, or someone in charge of his care. That may be a "Case Manager." You could start by asking the charge nurse of his unit, or area, at the nursing home, just who you should talk to.

Tell them that you are concerned that visitors are giving your father alcohol and it is impairing his recovery. You would also like to discuss the home situation, as your mother is not well. Don't go into a lot of detail with the charge nurse. Save the details for the person who can intervene, refer your situation to a social worker, or make a plan for further care.

Others here, may have more suggestions for you. I know that Kathy (NANA) has worked as a social worker and may have more ideas. Hard as it is to stay focused on your studies, please make the effort. You may need to drop a course, or simply not register for as many units as you want, to keep your balance through this challenge. One of the most common mistakes young people make, is to register for a horrendous number of courses in the hope they can finish sooner. NOT a good idea. It all becomes overwhelming very, very quickly. Cheerio.

I don't make to the nursing home that much and when I do, there's no one there but about 2 nurses that wouldn't know anything about that. I have school during the day and work at night. No one gives alcohol, they give him soda pop. And my uncle has talked to them already and nothing. And everyone knows about my mom. I think if she went back to the doctor, she'd start getting better, they used to have things under control, then the medication stopped working and she hasn't gone since my dad has been in the hospital.

I've already had to drop two courses this semester. i only take four a semester, but work only lets me have enough time to go to class, work, then sleep.

[Nana4&cntn]

Sweetie,

I was a Social Worker and you need some help. First we need to reduce your stress, you should not have to be the family caretaker.

1. Call the Department of Social Services, I can't tell you which department since I don't know if you are in the States (I believe you are) or how old your folks are. They will want to know the financial status of the household (possibly).
2. Talk to Student Services and see if they have the resources to help you.
They may have some one who would help you with some of the leg work.
3. Call your Mom's Doctor, explain the situation and see if they can contact social services. They cannot give you any info due to HIPPA. I think it stands for Health Information Patient Privacy Act. I haven't worked since it was instituted, but have signed enough of them as guardian for the mentally disabled/ill.
4. I am assuming your Father is having aspiration pneumonia, usually the right lung is involved. Is there anyone in you family who would become guardian for your father and possibly mother. This does not mean they live with the guardian, it means they have the legal responsibility for making, legal, medical decisions and sometimes financial decisions if they become conservator.
5. I am hoping your mother has been deemed disabled by social security admin. I am thinking your Father has been unless there are substantial family assets. Usually they don't count your home or car.

I know this is a lot of info and sounds like a lot of work. It really is a few i phone calls, and talking with family as you really need some help. I am sure your grandmother is a bit overwhelmed as well and could use some help.
If you would like pm me and we can talk privately, and I could give you my phone number and we could talk over the phone.

Take care of yourself,
Kathy

[Tootsie]

Good advice, and I'm sure Valkyrie will find it useful when she has time to pursue it. Cheerio.

[houghchrst]

Val Kathy is right. Take her up on the offer. If this is not taken care of it will get worse. You think you are stressed now but if nothing gets done then your plans may go out the window unless you are willing to completely walk away and I don't think you are the type to do that. If so it would leave your poor grandmother holding the bag. Your grandmother is probably capable of doing a lot of the phone calls, after all it involves her daughter and son in law. See if she is willing to help.

Good luck

[Nana4&cntn]

Val,

Just bumping to let you know I am thinking of you. I hope to hear from you soon and please take care,

Hugs,
Kathy

[Nana4&cntn]

Valkarie,

I miss talking with you, can you please post and let us know how you and your family are? I am concerned about you.

Take care and know I care,
Kathy

[Valkyrie]

Sorry I havent been on in a while, this week was finals week. I'm alright, I suppose, I just need to get away some where for a while. My dad is back in the hospital with pneumonia, my mom is trying to find somewhere else for us to live, but my dad doesn't want us to move, but we're never out there anyway and my grandmas place is way to small for 3 people. Plus theres been 2 deaths in the family and I feel stressed out. My grandma doesn't like it when i do go somewhere just to get away, she says I stay out too late.

[Tootsie]

Valkryie, thank you for letting us hear from you! As you have no doubt guessed, we all are much older than you, and inclined to fuss and worry a bit when you are silent! Just like your own grandmother. I'm sure she knows how unsettling your current situation is, when you're trying to go to school, and study. You might try telling her where you are going, how long you will be gone and the names of friends you will be with. That helps her deal with her own stress and worry.

I hope that all the worry and concern about your Mom and Dad, haven't distracted you too much from your final exams. Do you have some time at semester break when you could take a day trip, camping trip, or hike, to get away. Are there any hostels in your area? They offer overnight accomodations in a dorm type setting, for travelers who carry their own sleeping bag, food, toiletry items, etc. You need to join the American Hostel Association...I think that is the name. Dues are nominal, and the fee at the hostel is also minimal. They are much more common in Europe but there are some in the US. It might offer a brief vacation for you if you can arrange your work schedule. Cheerio.