(((Pamster)))

[milivica]

Pamster, I was reading some things you wrote about Jackie on another thread. I thought it might make you feel less alone, to read something I wrote today after Vince at a spec olypics halloween party, pushed with force a sweet child down on the dance floor who is going blind from diabetes, was terrified, cried, and held his back from the pain Vince caused. God I felt so aweful. I apologized, but ya know what...that kid will now forever have in his memory, that event. There was every disability or different ability you could imagine there....many autistic kids too. Yet, who stood out? Well Vince of course. That was the last and worst thing he did, I took him home after that. But for the whole time we were there, it was nonstop me getting up from the table to ask him to not do this and that and on and on...

Well, here's the letter to his state case manager (controls his state funds):

Hi Emmie,

I would like to talk to you as soon as your schedule allows, about Vincent and his nonstop behaviors (the ones he knows are not ok to do) and what I can do about it. Or not.

I'm past my wits end. I feel like while our whole family drowns, Vince uses our faces to push himself up. So often, I realize he cannot understand this, cause he is a child. But he can understand what he shouldn't do, and proceeds nonstop to do exactly as he pleases, with a ragged leftover that once was 'me', chasing after him.

I could care less about sympathy or compassion for myself. What I need is someone to tell me what to do, with this boy, while he is still 'savable'.

I used to fear he'd wind up some innocent infant minded adult in some residential facility someday. Now I fear he will have to be seriously drugged his entire life, just to be around others. No one, could put up with him. The things that are autism related, are EASY at this point Emmie. Compared to the intentional - or lack of impulse control stuff he does just every single minute it seems.

If I could hate him or even dislike him, this would be so much easier. I can't go on like this. Over the last few months, and I've admitted this to no one not even Mike, I've had suicidal fantasies...and no I'm totally not planning to, I'm way to paranoid (aka Catholic) for that. But for instance, driving home tonight on the highway, I though how great it would be for me to finally have rest, by a semi veering over the double yellow's into my lane.

I just don't know what to do. If I thought a residential school was right for him, I'd be asking. It would sure be easier for our family, but I know in my heart that would seal every nail in his future. He's just not the kind of kid that could survive that. I'm going to do everything I can, to come up with ways to help him. I wonder, if he's 'angry', and if so, what about? Everyone tries so hard for him...is that part of the problem? I don't know what to do. I've tried from cuddling and understanding and explaining and talking, to taking away privelages and spanking.

There's never a single minute in the day, I'm not running after Vincent to stop him from doing something he has been told not to do, or trying to clean up or repair or repurchase things, or living in anxiety over knowing any minute there will be chaos again, chaos for me but fun for him I mean. Even fishing, which we do enjoy, I still constantly have this giant knot in my stomach. What will he do next, to who, I am certain I apologize a minimum of 2 dozen times a day every day. If not to him, than for him. When he was far less 'functional', I was drivin like a lunatic for him to gain skills...is this what I did that for?

I'll do what ever it takes, but I need direction. I really don't think what I'm talking about is so much autism related, as manipulation. Only I'm so far in it, as is Vince, it's just a really really bad cycle.

I feel hopeless. I don't know who to ask, for help with him. School is only a small piece of what I have to try and 'fix', despite me really having no idea how to. I was a person, now, I'm only what scraps I have left after Vince finally falls asleep.

I can't help but feel, there's so much wonder and good that can be accessed in him, if I only had a clue what to do.

I know that was a lot to lay on you, and for that I am really sorry. I like you very much, I'm sure you know that. I don't expect there is any help or hope, but I'd be sorry if I didn't at least let you know what's going on.

Please share this with any professional you feel, will know what to do. I almost feel like an experienced grandma with 10 kids and 40 grandkids, would have all the answers I need. I just don't 'see' my son anymore. It's all a blur. I'm not objective. I'm not being a mother to my daughter, a wife to my husband. Honest if Vince found me dead, I think the only feelings he'd have is fear of who is going to do things for him now. How did I get here, how did I let my son get here?

Thanks for being there to type this to,
And for everything you've done for us,
Lisa

[Pamster]

Hi Lisa,

Thanks so much for sharing what you're going through with us. I know you really understand and I really appreciate your friendship more then you can ever know. A lot of things are going on right now and his aide has missed a couple of days setting him off. Things were starting to get better but then this happens with the aide. I met his newest teacher though and I really LIKE her a LOT and think she's good for him. Other then that I am just drained emotionally. I really understand about what's going on with Vince at school, I think that things are just at a point where they want to give up on our little boys for some reason. Like they got the puppy syndrome I went on about in the other thread.

I just wanted to reply before I headed off for the night. Been working hard on writing things for several anthologies I am trying to get my non-fiction stories into. Wish me luck! ;) :D

[milivica]

Things have been getting better since this letter actually. And I have been sticking to my guns and letting him hurt to grow. He's missed pumpkin seed and movie time, he does homework with me first thing every day after school, I try to really be speciffic when I give instructions so he can more easily succeed - although he still seems to find that catch 22 at least now it more often by accident.

He WILL be missing the next Spec Oly. party come February...that seems just around the corner, and due to the nature of what he did at the last one, I am not up for sitting there anxiety ridden again. Before, I'd have been all, "awww, but he has so very few parties to ever go to, this will only be his third ever in his life....blah blah blah", sure I can think of 100 reasons to cut him some slack. But I'm trying to think of myself a little. And without him there, I'll for ONCE be fully available to lavish Carmen with some much deserved and long waited for attention.

Anyhoo...it is getting a bit better. Of course, school is kind of making things not so fun, but that's another thread.

Love ya woman!
Lisa