Grief

[Worried Grandma]

My husband lost his daughter on Sept302007 and the grief is profound. What are some of your experiences and how do you find your way out? We go to church and try to socialize but he states life will never be the same and I guess it won't . She was only 36 and died very suddenly of a brain aneurysm. Only one of our 4 grandchildren has had an MRI and tested neg. Our real concern is our daughter's sibling who is 38 and not tested. We are just drifting and could use some support from other people who have gone through the same thing.
Thanks---Worried Grandma

[Tootsie]

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter to such a sudden and tragic condition.
My own DIL, lost her Mom when she was 12 to the same condition. She was the oldest daughter, but third oldest child and ended up taking care of the rest of the family. The others worked in the family business, while she did the wash, the cooking, etc.

Have you talked with the doctors to see if there is any reason to feel that this is a hereditary problem? Other than expressing your concern to the remaining daughter, I'm not sure there is anything you can do, other than offer to contribute to the expense of the testing, if it is not covered by insurance, and money is the problem.

There is an entire process of grieving, and no set timetable, as everyone has there own way of making their way through the process. There is a small, very readable book called, "Living with Death and Dying," by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist that identified the stages of grief. You might find it helpful. Cheerio.

[houghchrst]

September really wasn't that long ago and losing a child is something you never really think possible. We all think we will go before our children. His concern is only natural. Almost a panic mode for the safety and health for the other children. I can't imagine that the grieving process ever really ends when it comes to losing a child, maybe just acceptance. I would just comfort him, support him, maybe talk to someone in the medical profession that he trusts about the possibility of the other children being affected by the same thing. With lots of love and family around him and being able to grieve in his own way he should come out of this in his own time. He will never "get over it", you don't do that when you lose a child but he will accept it. I will be praying for you all.

[The Dude]

Im so sorry sweetheart!!

God bless you and your family :):)

[Tsmommy]

I can't imagine the loss of one of my children.I think I would crawl in a whole and die myself.He needs time and support for as long as he needs.The pain will lessen and he will move on in due time.Best wishes for you and oyur family.

[Buttons2]

I think I already suggested he join us here for support. Another thought is to join a support group in your area for people who have lost a child. I also cannot imagine how horrid the experience would be......use all the aids available,books,etc. Sometimes just sharing with others' is helpful.

We all deal with grief in our own way,and I agree there hasn't been all that much time. Holidays must have been especially hard.

Please come here & vent when you feel the need. We'll try to help.

Take care,Buttons

[Worried Grandma]

To all you wonderful people, Thanks. You have helped us considerably. My husband is thinking of venting on this site. We joined a grief support group "Passages" and it is helping a whole lot. Other people who have gone through the same thing.
Our family has abandoned us. Our daughters two children went with their daddys and the man she was married to lost everyone the day of her death.We try to connect to the 16 yr old girl but they are always BUsy or have plans. Our 12 yr old grandson, same scenerio. We are going to go to a basketball game the 23rd to see him play. When I asked his daddy about how we could connect he said they were all so BUSY. This dad had sat with me the night Dana died and said "Anytime you want to see my son just call and I will be right there"
Our saving grace is a 6 yr old granddaughter from my daughter. She loves us both and tells us that and relentlessly teases Grandpa . So it helps.
Yes, acceptance is very important and not allowing yourself to become bitter.
We also thank God every day for the blessings he has given us.
Thanks everyone for listening and offering your support.
Love, Worried Grandma

[houghchrst]

Hi I am glad you came back and let us know how things are going. I am happy to hear that you have found a support group. It is sad about the teens. I know that in my teen years I wasn't a very good granddaughter, had a life of my own, always out with friends etc. I got better about it as I got older but I still have regrets. Nothing I can do about it now. These days kids are always doing sports and after school things on top of being with friends. Keep trying, when they get older they will come to appreciate it. Have a great day and I look forward to seeing you post more.

[Buttons2]

Grandma,now this is sad that the children are too busy for you guys. Maybe they could also benefit from some grief counseling. Fine to get on with life,but didn't they just lose their mother?

This situation seems disrespectful to me,but then I also ignored my grandparent's as a teenager. I think it's just plain sad how the people in this country put sports above family time. But that's just my opinion.

Maybe this issue will resolve when school is out for the summer.

As for the grieving husband,he should also be getting some support. Losing his entire family all at once,has to be rough for him.

I'm glad to hear you & hubby have joined a support group. It always helps to share with others' who truly have been in your shoes.

Welcome back,and hope to hear from you again.
HUGS,Buttons

[Nana4&cntn]

Grandma,

Thank you for reaching out, I received your email and am happy your husband is considering joining us. There are a great bunch of folks here. I am looking forward to helping you and your husband as much as I possibly can. I am hoping for your and your husbands sake that the grandkids also get some counseling. It is hard to watch parents push aside grief and continue on with life as if nothing has happened. Sports are important to teens, but the loss of their mother must overshadow that. The excuse their father gives is just rude. You are an important part of their lives.
they will come around in time, I am sure.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers,
Kathy

[Tootsie]

I've found that I need to actively reach out to my children and grandchildren in order to keep in touch. When both parents work, the children have school activities, sports, friends, video games, they ARE very busy. As grandparents, we are the ones who have to realize that the world has changed.

I ask for schedules of their soccer games, basketball tournaments, etc. and make sure I call and verify just in case the schedules get changed, as THEY DO!

Invitations to dinner are always helpful. No one has much time to cook anymore either, so a simple dinner of baked potatoes, meat loaf, vegetable and salad, is a real feast. Good old chocolate pudding, now made in the microwave, makes a suitable dessert. You do need to be flexible about a date and time. Be sure to ask when would be a good time to plan your feast. Cheerio.

[Nana4&cntn]

Hi Grandma,

I was just wondering how things are going for you and your husband. I hope he is exploring ways to deal with the grief. I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Kathy

[tigerchef1969]

Grandma, I am so sorry for your family. You will be in my prayers tonight and always

God Bless
Jeff