have you lost your dream or just changed

[Mark N]

You know the old saying that you should never lose your dreams, what have you done as CP has taken away parts of your life? Let's face it, we are at different stages of CP as some of us still work and some of us aren't very mobile any more with many of us somewhere in between. Have you just changed your dream or did you lose it?

I was thinking about dealing with life from a day to day perspective because with the pain I wouldn't be able to go on if I didn't approach it this way. I can deal with today's pain and limitations but I can't think about another 30 years of this. It made me wonder if I had any dreams left because I can't trust what tomorrow will be like with my spinal condition. I have found that I still have dreams but they are more immediate and more flexible than in the past.

It is a concern that I can't dream about my kids 21 & 16 marrying and having grandkids for me to spoil. I don't dream about retirement plans with my wife the way I would like after all I can't travel or visit any place very far away.

I don't miss the dreams as I thought I would. I have learned to be content with my life the way it is today. I still plan for the future, I just can't be sure of what I am going to be able to do in the future. It will be odd to find myself twenty years from now because I can't imagine what it will be like. I know I will just do the best that I can but I can't picture it.

Have you lost your ability to dream or are your dreams just different?

[A.K.]

Well this required some thought before I was able to answer honestly Mark. I have concluded that where I once had hopes and dreams I now have hope and daydreams.

I have a concentrated hope on my health improving, as opposed to many different hopes that included family issues, career advancement etc....

I now day dream about life as it could be if I were well or sometimes it is simply imagery and distraction to help me deal with my pain but it all adds up to fantasy and day dreaming, something I never did before this illness. At least not since I was a child.

My real dreams will not resume until my hope has been manifested.

[BrokenBladder]

Mark,

Wow you come up with the questions that really requires alot of thought.

I know I still have some dreams for the future but since I can't know where I will be physically at that point I just think about it.

Since you brought up grandchildren I have always looked forward to that time in my life, but I now dream about it realizing I will have alot of limitations that I'd never thought of.

I don't look ahead 30 years either for the same reason as you, I just can't see myself being the way I am today for that long.

The real truth for me is I will endure whatever CP throws my way. Why? Well some of my old dreams, such as grandchildren, mean alot more to me than I once thought.

[Mark N]

Lisa and AK thanks for responding. It is hard to explain how I am still optimistic and hoping to live to a ripe old age [what is that anyway] and yet I don't have dreams about what I will be doing or where I will be.

Okay everyone else, how do you deal with this?

[ray]

my doctor once told me that I should give up all hope because I needed to face reality, but the way I see it is if there is no hope it's time to die, however Dreams are another thing entirely. You can easily live without dreams, yet dreams can change with your situation in life. So if you can no longer sit at the table, or go to a job, or use your body to build your dream house, plant your fields, build your fence, run your equipment and dig your Lake by your home. Do you still have your dreams? You can lie down and look at a computer screen, talk to folks all over the world that are similar in circumstance and situation. I think its likely that we can perhaps change our dreams to fit our reality but if you try maintain false dreams, or dreams that simply will never happen because you are physically incapable of ever doing them are for some people I suppose but I am past that point. Anyway for me I will leave my dreams for my night time adventures while asleep. ray

[Kathi49]

Mark,

You do come up with some questions that require a lot of careful thought. :) I know what you mean by dreams but I don't think I sit and reflect on where I will be. And to be honest, it may be that I am just emotionally blunted from Klonopin. Just kidding but at times I feel like it keeps me in such a calm state that I don't usually sit and worry with about things. I know that sounds odd but there just isn't much I can do other than what I am already doing...just trying to keep up with changes I guess and slowly making more. As an example, just yesterday I called the Rehab place to set up my first appointment for aqua therapy. I was looking at the script and it looks like it reads six months worth of it! Okay, so I NEED to do this as part of pain management but I DREAD the drive and doing this in the winter. It may or may not help but I am willing to try anything. So, I guess I am saying...I am just taking it in stride...sort of day by day. Oh, and on that script was a diagnosis (from my Neurologist) of CP, OA and POLYNEUROPATHY!?? Well, I could sit and worry with what she means EXACTLY by polyneuropathy but it is neuropathic pain all in the same. And all the tests I have ever had were negative...so it is just an idiopathic thing STILL I guess. Sooo...as she said...just try things that help manage it. My PM pretty much feels the same way...just keep moving and try different things. Ugh, LOL! But, hey, as long as I can walk and drive...I will try it.

Most of my dreams, or the ones I had, were accomplished. But that sounds like I don't have anymore and I do. I really do NOT want to travel since I did a LOT of that while working...so I am content to be home. Now what has always been in the back of my mind since this all began was a strong desire to see my daughter become established; career and otherwise BEFORE something happens to me. It may sound morbid but it has been a concern. That seems to be coming true now since she will be getting engaged shortly. :) And since the younger folks; all my nieces and nephews are of age now, it is exciting for me to see and hear of the things they are doing. Pretty soon now there will be yet another baby to spoil and love on. And I hope within the next couple of years there will be even a couple more. So, those are the kinds of things that make me happy...just watching those around me and getting together with friends and family. So, I guess the old dreams have changed moreso than being lost. It is like my mom tried to tell me once...once you retire you just live DIFFERENTLY. And that much is true. I am not speaking of it in financial terms...just have found other things that either interest me or other things I have to look forward to. I don't know maybe it is because there was a 3 year period there where it was almost impossible to lift my head off a pillow and get to work. So, I am grateful, in a sense, that I am able to do even the smallest things...such as going out to lunch when I can or feel up to it.

[Mark N]

ray and Kathi, you explain what I am talking about. It is much different than before my disability as I had mapped out my life. Of course there was no guarantee I would reach all my dreams/goals but I had something to shot for.

Kathi, like you I find myself accepting life as it comes instead of making it what I want. It isn't a problem just accepting what today brings and in some ways it has made life easier to deal with.

ray, maybe it is a difference in what we see as hope because I have gotten past the point of hoping I will get better. I still am wanting to wake up and see what tomorrow brings and maybe that is hope.

[houghchrst]

All I can do when I read this is cry. I am still trying to learn to deal with this. As for an answer I don't have one

[slipnslide]

Mark,

I admit that I still have dreams for my future. I have a CP friend that reminds me that I may need to change my expectations and accept that I very well could be like this for the rest of my life. I don't feel I am being unrealistic, at least not yet, not until one of my doctors actually tells me, "you're not going to get better, so give up on it!". Maybe I have not been dealing with this long enough to have reach that point or maybe it's because I only have a few more months to get my body to a point where I can function. Regardless, I am going to have to start "functioning" soon (within the next 4-5 months) because my private disability Insurance is going to run out, and I will have no other choice but to find a way!

Best wishes all,

Kim

[debhun]

My dreams what can be said. I alway had big dreams for when my kids got grown and out of the house. But it is funny that you ask this. Because I was talking to DH and told him I had to stop dreaming cause they are not going to come to past. I see others my age having the time of the life. But I can't do what they do. What can I say but my dreams are not going to happen. I have to let them go. Maybe things will look up Little in a few months. But right now my dreams will have to go on hold. My dreams was to build on to my home and a new roof for the house. Go on trips and see the world. Live on a Island. those kind of things. Not to worry about money and how we are going to pay bills. As of right now I sit back asking where is the money going to come from to pay this and that. I do have to thank My Lord that he has giving us the money at the right times to pay our bills. But my dreams have all past me by right now. I can't see out very far right now. Now I have embarest my mom and dad. I didn't know DH had ask money from the club they belong to. It wasn't done in front of them. They were asked to leave the room for they to ask the others. DH and I help them out all the time. And we will try and do more for them now. You see I have very proud parents. And My family is very well off. Just I and My aunt just don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I have to some how make it up to them. I don't want them to feel bad.
Well sorry I with off the road there. But we will see what the year will bring. Ask me again in 6 months from now.

Deb

[Cervie Barb]

Well, I know what you mean, debhun. It would be nice to leave finances out of the equation (all you need is love..), but with disability it's a big part of the reality. Oh yea, we're talking dreams.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do with the rest of my life. The old dreams are an impossibility. I still live vicariously thru my kids as I help one with getting thru college and another with getting use to working and becoming independant. A big dream is to see that they're going to be all right.

I have some short term goals (dreams) I'm working on for this year. Small projects that may lead to good things.

Trying to be optomistic, but it's really kind of depressing for me at the moment!

I like to hear what others dream about, tho. Good, thought provoking topic, Mark!

[Mark N]

Christina, we go through didn't stages and the one you are going through is familiar to all of us. You will get to a place where you can deal with this in a that isn't so painful to you.

Kim, no one should accept that they will be like this the rest of their life until you are ready to accept it. For years and years I kept with the idea I was going to get better or this surgery was going to fix my spine. If there isn't something that will make you better, one day you will accept the condition you are in but not until you are ready.

Deb, it isn't easy to shorten our dreams to the near future. I hope you have improved you situation in six months but I know that some of us reach a point that the short term is the only one we can consider any more.

Cervie Barb, I am with you that I realize my old dreams are impossible and I try to have smaller dreams to keep me going. It is good that you can look to your kids to have some long term dreams and want to see them fulfilled. I know it is a blessing to me that my daughter and son keep me going for now.

One thing I am finding out is that we don't easily give up our dreams and we find ones to replace the ones we have lost. If we haven't got to that point then we struggle until we can make the shift. I hope we get more input as it helps me see where I am.

[911]

i used to cry to , i am sorry chris that you cry when you read this , i understand because i have been there , for me i lost every single dream i ever had , i lost every single thing i had worked for to this as well including my credit because i became unable to work and disabled , i also lost my first marrage BUT i have to say this , my life is turning around for the better in hind sight i am glad i got divorced from my first wife she never onece went to the hospital with me when i needed surgury , my dad took me, she only visited me once in the 10 total days i spent in the hospital for my hip replacement in 95 and i had some psych problems and went to the hospital for that and she didnt go there either so i was left alone , sandra my fiancee would never leave me in the hospital alone we have already had this talk , i am starting to get some of the "things" i lost a long time ago back but thats not the most important thing , i have myself back now and for a very very long time i had lost that to! it can get better but i seriosly owe my personal recovery to sandra as she was able to see something in me i wasnt able to see and that was that i am a good person ,a whole person with feelings , she makes me feel important so god bless her and her family they have all made me feel like i belong ,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wish the same for everyone out there ,,,,,,,,,, dave ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, aka,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,911

[GJZH]

edited by GJZH

[cindybear]

My old dreams- gone....But I think we all have to have some kind of dreams,,even if they are little..If there just to get through another day..another week..cause in the picture (in my case ) is that maybe..someone can find sone way to fix my inoperable aneurysm (my dream ) without killing me or maiming me for life..Now thats a big dream and it may never happen,,waiting for 7 years with one attempt..(with that attempt allmost killing me ),,but my smaller dreams..seeing my grandchildren smile/ giggle..hold them in my lap..watch them walk/ talk. grow up. go to school..Grow up !! See my children not struggle so much with daily life (as we all go through as were young )..But as I allways remember even before this aneurysm,-..
Hold fast to your dreams;
For if dreams die;
A brokened winged bird;
Cannot fly.
Can't remember who wrote that+

But it is so true...Even little dreams are drear to me..Hugs, Cindy

[Lil E]

We had alot of plans, then I got this crap and DH had a stroke. Our dream of traveling around isn't feasible anymore so we've decided to operate a small organic farm and catering. DH can still cook and loves to do it, I can still garden and we are bringing friends and relatives to help work it. I think they used to call this a commune? haha. Everyone benefits from having people around to help each other.

[Mark N]

Dave, as many problems as I have with my wife since my disability I have always cherished that she spent every day and night in the hospital with me. I can't imagine a 'wife' that wouldn't visit and you are in much better shape with Sandra.

Cindy, I am glad you can see your little dreams and can hold on to them. I have seen the quote about dreams and if they die but I am learning that I can lose my dreams and still do fine each day. I don't know if I just don't recognize my own dreams or if I have found a way to live without them and still be happy and content.

Lil E, glad to hear you and DH were able to turn your losses into something you both like to do. I hope you can continue to pursue these businesses as long as you want to do them.