cheyriver
01-06-2008, 12:25 AM
I thought I would share my experience with others. Warning this may be difficult to read but I hope it will help others out there in these situations. Sorry this is long.
I'm 36 years old. Growing up with my parents wasn't easy. Both were abusive, mainly emotional but also physical. My mom is controlling and likes to rule the roost. Nothing was ever good enough for her. She constantly put me down, said I was ugly, fat, etc. She often told me to never talk about my problems to anyone because nobody would listen or they would get sick and tired of me and stop being my friend. This was drilled into me all the time. Eventually I believed her and kept things to myself. My dad was more physically abusive. I recall him trying to choke me once.
When I was 14 I was molested (not by family member). I kept it a secret but eventually told someone at school. Child protection etc was called. The person wasn't charged, not enough evidence. My parents found out and instead of being angry at the abuser I was blamed. I was told that the first time it happened I should have learned not to go back and because I went back I must have enjoyed it.
Fast forward to years later. I became involved in a relationship. Like most abusers, they don't show their true colors at the beginning. He swept me off my feet. Looking back the signs started with emotional abuse or he would become upset over little things. If I bought something with my own money he would say I spent too much and get upset. Over time it got worse but I assumed he was under a lot of stress from his job and also his mom wasn't well. Eventually it lead to physical abuse. I figured again he was stressed and didn't mean it. Eventually with the emotional abuse and his games with me I felt like I was at fault. He would say I love you, next minute your trash, or nobody else will love you like me. The abuse escalated to the point when he hit me and if I cried, yelped in pain or looked him in the eyes he would beat me further right there or later in the day. I wasn't allowed to show physical or emotional pain. I eventually blocked both out. There were times I had injuries that were painful, needed treatment but I blocked, numbed the pain out for weeks. I was afraid of going to the doctor because either he wouldn't allow me to go or I was afraid of judgement. Eventually I told the truth to one doctor and he said 'you must enjoy being slapped around." I experienced a few others like that and it made me not want to seek medical care. My now exbf broke bones, gave me head concussions, cuts, bruises. I am now partial deaf in one ear from a concussion he gave me. I have needed three surgeries due to injuries he caused which gave me problems later on. He was very sadistic. Often he would lock me in the spare bedroom and invite his friends over to watch sports, drink beer. None of them blinked an eye. Sometime he would open the door to show me to them. They just laughed, probably just as bad as him. I felt like a zoo animal on display. I remember going home to my parents house with injuries asking them if they could take me to get treatment. My parents were just as bad. They said here's a first aid kit and throw at me. They kept saying I was at fault. When I came home to where my bf and I lived, he would laugh in my face and say "See even your parents don't give a darn about you, they think your scum" and he would laugh in my face. I was scared to leave because he said if I left or called the police, he would hunt me down. I believed him because I knew what he was capable of. After one bad incident, something snapped inside of me and I left. He was away for a whole day, I packed up and got out. I moved in with my parents temporary but eventually moved to a shelter. I broke up with him over a phone call. He was upset, saying after all these years you can't tell me in person? Why don't I pick you up, we will talk, go for a ride in the country. He kept crying. I knew if I went with him, I wouldn't be coming back, my life would be gone, he would have killed me. Even though I left I still had problems with him stalking and confronting me. He sent me letters, flowers, weird poems and at one point dead flowers. He even got a few of his friends to come after me. One of them attacked me and I finally called the police.
My parents were no help when I was in it and out of it. I decided to ask them why. They came out and said "we only wanted one child when we got married( I have an older brother who lives elsewhere) because you weren't wanted in the first place why should you be deserving of emotional support." I said why didn't you give me up for adoption if I wasn't wanted? They said they didn't want to look bad in front of others so they kept me. I found out also when I left my now exbf, my parents were telling him where I was. I noticed at times he would be where I was and was suspicious how he seemed to know constantly even though I tried to take different routes etc etc. I asked them why would they tell him? Were they scared he may do somthing to them? They said no he was great towards them and they told him where I was so we could get back together. I said I never wanted to go back to him, he was violent, could have killed me. My parents said they only man you deserve is one that will beat your a**.
So my relationship with my parents is horrible. I don't even feel like I have a family, parents. They made themselves clear about how they feel. I feel ashamed to tell people about them, fearing what they will think or may think of me.
I still have medical problems from the abuse and I find it difficult talking to doctors about it. I've experienced so much judgement. I know there are medical people out there who are really good, luckily I have experienced that as well.
As for my exbf, the police became involved after I reported his friend attacking me. The police were set to charge my ex with several offenses. Apparently he paid his friend to hurt or kill me. The police were concerned he may make a run for it and hide if he found out they were coming to arrest him. I asked about a restraining order and they figured with someone as violent as him, it may make him more violent if he is served with the papers, probably violate the order, and advised me not to get one. It turns out some people who I thought I could trust with the information told my ex that the police were after him. Instead of running, he killed himself. I guess he knew his time was up. I felt mad because I finally had the courage to get justice, see his arse go to jail but now I can't. I wouldn't wish anyone to kill themselves, but at the same time I am glad this monster is gone. He was really violent and sadistic.
I'm 36 years old. Growing up with my parents wasn't easy. Both were abusive, mainly emotional but also physical. My mom is controlling and likes to rule the roost. Nothing was ever good enough for her. She constantly put me down, said I was ugly, fat, etc. She often told me to never talk about my problems to anyone because nobody would listen or they would get sick and tired of me and stop being my friend. This was drilled into me all the time. Eventually I believed her and kept things to myself. My dad was more physically abusive. I recall him trying to choke me once.
When I was 14 I was molested (not by family member). I kept it a secret but eventually told someone at school. Child protection etc was called. The person wasn't charged, not enough evidence. My parents found out and instead of being angry at the abuser I was blamed. I was told that the first time it happened I should have learned not to go back and because I went back I must have enjoyed it.
Fast forward to years later. I became involved in a relationship. Like most abusers, they don't show their true colors at the beginning. He swept me off my feet. Looking back the signs started with emotional abuse or he would become upset over little things. If I bought something with my own money he would say I spent too much and get upset. Over time it got worse but I assumed he was under a lot of stress from his job and also his mom wasn't well. Eventually it lead to physical abuse. I figured again he was stressed and didn't mean it. Eventually with the emotional abuse and his games with me I felt like I was at fault. He would say I love you, next minute your trash, or nobody else will love you like me. The abuse escalated to the point when he hit me and if I cried, yelped in pain or looked him in the eyes he would beat me further right there or later in the day. I wasn't allowed to show physical or emotional pain. I eventually blocked both out. There were times I had injuries that were painful, needed treatment but I blocked, numbed the pain out for weeks. I was afraid of going to the doctor because either he wouldn't allow me to go or I was afraid of judgement. Eventually I told the truth to one doctor and he said 'you must enjoy being slapped around." I experienced a few others like that and it made me not want to seek medical care. My now exbf broke bones, gave me head concussions, cuts, bruises. I am now partial deaf in one ear from a concussion he gave me. I have needed three surgeries due to injuries he caused which gave me problems later on. He was very sadistic. Often he would lock me in the spare bedroom and invite his friends over to watch sports, drink beer. None of them blinked an eye. Sometime he would open the door to show me to them. They just laughed, probably just as bad as him. I felt like a zoo animal on display. I remember going home to my parents house with injuries asking them if they could take me to get treatment. My parents were just as bad. They said here's a first aid kit and throw at me. They kept saying I was at fault. When I came home to where my bf and I lived, he would laugh in my face and say "See even your parents don't give a darn about you, they think your scum" and he would laugh in my face. I was scared to leave because he said if I left or called the police, he would hunt me down. I believed him because I knew what he was capable of. After one bad incident, something snapped inside of me and I left. He was away for a whole day, I packed up and got out. I moved in with my parents temporary but eventually moved to a shelter. I broke up with him over a phone call. He was upset, saying after all these years you can't tell me in person? Why don't I pick you up, we will talk, go for a ride in the country. He kept crying. I knew if I went with him, I wouldn't be coming back, my life would be gone, he would have killed me. Even though I left I still had problems with him stalking and confronting me. He sent me letters, flowers, weird poems and at one point dead flowers. He even got a few of his friends to come after me. One of them attacked me and I finally called the police.
My parents were no help when I was in it and out of it. I decided to ask them why. They came out and said "we only wanted one child when we got married( I have an older brother who lives elsewhere) because you weren't wanted in the first place why should you be deserving of emotional support." I said why didn't you give me up for adoption if I wasn't wanted? They said they didn't want to look bad in front of others so they kept me. I found out also when I left my now exbf, my parents were telling him where I was. I noticed at times he would be where I was and was suspicious how he seemed to know constantly even though I tried to take different routes etc etc. I asked them why would they tell him? Were they scared he may do somthing to them? They said no he was great towards them and they told him where I was so we could get back together. I said I never wanted to go back to him, he was violent, could have killed me. My parents said they only man you deserve is one that will beat your a**.
So my relationship with my parents is horrible. I don't even feel like I have a family, parents. They made themselves clear about how they feel. I feel ashamed to tell people about them, fearing what they will think or may think of me.
I still have medical problems from the abuse and I find it difficult talking to doctors about it. I've experienced so much judgement. I know there are medical people out there who are really good, luckily I have experienced that as well.
As for my exbf, the police became involved after I reported his friend attacking me. The police were set to charge my ex with several offenses. Apparently he paid his friend to hurt or kill me. The police were concerned he may make a run for it and hide if he found out they were coming to arrest him. I asked about a restraining order and they figured with someone as violent as him, it may make him more violent if he is served with the papers, probably violate the order, and advised me not to get one. It turns out some people who I thought I could trust with the information told my ex that the police were after him. Instead of running, he killed himself. I guess he knew his time was up. I felt mad because I finally had the courage to get justice, see his arse go to jail but now I can't. I wouldn't wish anyone to kill themselves, but at the same time I am glad this monster is gone. He was really violent and sadistic.