Feeling confused,need some support and opinions please

[cheyriver]

I wasn't sure where to post this. Hope this is the right section.

I am feeling confused about this situation and could use some opinions, support.

Sorry, this is a long post!

In the past I went through something traumatic and had little to no support except for one person. I didn't know him that well but he was there for me, never judged me etc. He was quite sensitive to my trauma, looked quite upset, tears forming, although he tried to hide it, when he learned what happened.Others that knew him said he has poor people skills, non communicative. We seemed to get along. I do sense he is on the shy side. Anyways during the time I talked to him in person, a bond seemed to have developed between us. Nothing romantic. Hard to describe but you just know there was a bond. This person is about 20 years older than me. I was very traumatized at the time, often silent, nervous etc. Yet with the way I was he was patient, compassionate with me. In some ways he knew how to approach and talk to me. He didn't have to support me at all but he chose to.

As time passed, he was getting ready to leave his job.He told me that he wanted to see me better before he left. Unfortunately when that time approached I wasn't fully better mentally. The last time I saw him in person he looked quite sullen. I thanked him for helping me and he couldn't even look at me when he said take care and all the best to you dear. I figured this guy did so much for me and yet I wasn't better and thought maybe I could ask to write him letters once in awhile to update him on my progress. So I asked him. He perked up and said "Sure" I asked where should I mail the letters to or what should I do? He said to mail them to his employment because he would be there for awhile cleaning out stuff before he left. I didn't ask for mutual contact because I was nervous asking in the first place, wasn't sure.

I got brave and asked if I could hug him goodbye. He said of course it's okay. He let me approach him and I put my arms around his upper back, he did the same. We hugged for a few minutes. It wasn't a tight hug nor a loose hug. He didn't let go first, I did. As I started to let go, he dropped his hands and stepped back a foot and just stared at me. Not creepy stare, almost like he wanted to say something. I grabbed my purse, he was still in the same spot staring. As I approached the doorway I said goodbye. He said the same, still looking at me, same spot.

About a month passed and I wrote my first letter. Time passed no response. I wasn't sure if he would reply anyways because I never asked for mutal contact but wasn't sure. Plus I didn't know if he received my letter etc.

Time passed and I had an appt in the area where he worked. I didn't go to the area where he worked but approached the main reception area and said I would be mailing a few letters to a particular person and wasn't sure if letters were arriving or going to the right area etc. The receptionist started to speak to me but then a head person came over and overheard. They took my name and said when the letters arrive I will make sure he gets them or will forward to him. Head person gave me their email addy and said if I had any questions to email. I thanked him.

Approximately 5 weeks later I sent a letter to his employment. About a month and half later I received a response from him. He said he had fractured his ankle, visiting relatives, glad to hear I am feeling better etc. Overall a positive letter but no indication saying please write or don't write me.

I waited for awhile and then emailed head person and asked if still okay to send letters via him. He said he would be more than happy to. I sent a brief letter, no response.

I waited several months and thought maybe he doesn't want my letters, something happened. I just wasn't sure and about to give up. I decided to chance it once more and figured if I don't get a response then I guess this is it. I wrote a letter explaining how much his past support did make a difference in my life (truth) and how truly greatful it meant to me. I figured if this is the last letter I write at least he will know he did make a difference in someone's life. Then I decided to ask him indirectly if it was still okay to write him letters. I said " if it's okay with you, I will eventually write you another letter. " I also said "sometime I would love to hear how you are doing, yourself."

Almost two months passed and I received a response. He said thank you for your letter, pleased to hear I am feeling better etc etc. Overall a positive letter.

In this letter he included his home address and zip code. Even though he didn't say please write me I assume this was his way of answering my question if it's okay with you, I will eventually write you another letter.

I waited about 5-6 weeks before replying because I was in hospital for surgery etc. I wrote an update on how I was doing etc. No response yet.

So this is where I am at now in regards to the letters.

I don't like him romantically. I like him as a friend. He was a great support in the past. I don't go around using people who supported me. Besides being grateful for his past support, I also like him as a person, as a friend.

When I knew him in person we did get along well. Other people who knew him said he had poor people skills, non communicative. Yes I can see that in him in some ways but I do know we did get along and that he did care about me and was protective.

I don't write anything too personal about myself. More or less updating him on how I am coping. I have noticed that the letters he has replied to are the ones I am honest in how I am coping, opening up about how I felt at the time of the trauma, how others treated me during that time that led me to be silent etc. That was the first letter he responded to. I wrote a few more letters that were basic but nothing in detail about my progress, no response. The next letter he responded to I wrote in detail how much his past support gave me the strength to where I am today, sometime I would love to hear how he is doing, himself.

I assume by including his address he is saying it's okay to write him? Otherwise if he didn't want letters I assume a) he would not reply b) not include his home address c) tell me directly no more letters.

I do sense he is on the shy side, somewhat quiet but is also sensitive, good sense of humor. I got that feeling when I knew him in person.

I have no idea what he wants. I am satisified with communicating by letter but it's just hard to know what is going on.

I have no idea what he wants etc. We both have our own lives to live and I don't expect fast replies but same time awkward because I don't know for sure what is going on etc. I am okay with just writing letters back and forth.

Also because I was traumatized in the past, doing better now, maybe he is being careful with me and letting me go to him type thing? Doesn't want to scare me or do anything wrong? Waiting me to open up? I could be wrong.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

[joy]

Hi there. I think since you know he does not have good speaking skills that he is doing a good job of replying to you. I also do not have good skills in getting across what I mean to people. I waited and when I saw that you said you were not romantically thinking about him I thought well I hope this does come across to him as well.

He may be a bit confused himself as well so I am glad that you have kept your letters truthful etc. with him. It sounds as if he genuially does have your best interests at heart and that is good. And if this is what is at stake, I would think that the amount of time is not anything to be worried about. Two months might seem like a long time to some but at least you are getting a reply.

I am glad that you found us and hope that you feel comfortable sharing with us as well, if you ever need to. From my take on things, I'd say you have a good friend there in this person. And that is a worthwhile thing for anyone to have these days. If he gave his home address, he does not care for you writing him there. So I would continue writing for as long as both of you are comfortable with sharing things with each other. I'm glad that you have someone myself.

[cheyriver]

Thank you joy for your reply. :)

I was always worried that he may think I like him romantically so when I write letters I re-read them over to make sure they don't sound potentially romantic. I know women and men think differently. When I read my letters, to me they don't appear romantic at all. I keep them factual, truthful. The letter where I thanked him was heartfelt but it wasn't mushy nor was I saying how I felt about him, just that I was grateful for his tender care, support etc. Hopefully he didn't get the wrong idea.

When I knew him in person there were some signs which I wasn't sure what to make of. It probably was nothing. I gave him a thank you card just before I left. I was walking out and stopped briefly to tie my shoelace. He came out and someone asked him a question to which he answered. Then he looked at me, turned his head to side slightly, smiled and let out a sigh. Not loud enough so others could here. I wasn't sure what he was trying to convey. I figured maybe he was saying thanks for the card but I don't know for sure.

It is possible he is confused. But not sure what he would be confused about. Maybe he is feeling the same confusion I am?

I assumed by giving his home address that he is saying I don't mind you writing me.

[Buttons2]

might ask yourself just where you want this to go? It seems as though months have gone by since the first conversation? My very first thought was that this man might be gay,had you considered that? Might just be shy also. Who knows?

I agree he wouldn't have given you his home address if he didn't want to hear from you. We all need friends,perhaps he does also,new job,new location and all.

The trauma you disclosed to him might have been something he could relate to in some way?

In my opinion he's not likely to be someone to be very close to in the future,but that can be just fine. I base that on the fact that if he was interested he would be more assertive,plus the fact of his age versus yours.He also could have some type of medical condition that makes him seem lacking in social skills. Might have an even worse background than you!

If you're seeking a mate,I'd say look elsewhere. Or at least speed things up with email! I know from reading one of your other threads you need friends & support......you express yourself very well,obviously have a good memory too.

Keep posting,Buttons

[cheyriver]

I only like him as a friend, not romantic interest. I think he is more shy, reserved, sensed that in him. Doesn't seem like a social butterfly. He does have a sense of humor.

True he may need friend(s) as well. We seemed to bond with each other. He made an impact on me. Maybe I did for him as well?

The trauma (abuse) I experienced, he seemed to be quite compassionate and understanding about it. It made me wonder if he went through similar or maybe a relative, family member experienced it.

He isn't very assertive and looking back when I knew him in person he was that way too. I knew he cared but he let me approach him. He would say if you have problems come and see me. He would never pressure or ask me too many questions. Sort of like I'm here if you need me. I was often silent, hardly spoke. The times when I did need to talk he was there for me, always listened, never refused me.

I agree that email would be speedier, lol. I don't think he's the type to have a computer, seems to be on the old fashioned side, but I could be wrong.

And it's highly possible that he has a worse background than me.

This may seem strange but I also had a 'feeling' that he's been hurt in the past, something happened to him.

Also he seems boyish at times. Nothing wrong with that. One time he told me he has a phobia of spiders but when he told me he sounded like a young boy, scared like, scared boyish look on his face. Then he looked down at the floor, turned his head to the side and smiled.

I do have a feeling he's been through bad times in his past. I can't pinpoint what exactly but just a strong feeling I had.

Like I said others mentioned he has poor people skills, uncommunicative. I could see some of that in him but somehow we still managed to get along well and communicate.

As for the assertive part.. he doesn't appear the type to be assertive. I suppose because he seems reserved, maybe poor people skills, uncommunicative? Also I wondered because I was an abuse victim and he knows how traumatized, shy, scared, nervous etc I was,maybe he is scared of being assertive with me, fears I may become nervous? I do trust him but maybe he is being cautious because of what I experienced, letting me go to him, like I did when I saw him in person?

[Tootsie]

I see nothing wrong in continuing to communicate with this man by writing letters from time to time. It is obvious that he will not open up and share anything about himself personally, and if this is acceptable to you, then fine. I do not think that you should expect anything more. Cheerio.

[katecamp]

Hey there

I read your story. I too think you should email rather than wait on post. If it's meant to be that he answers, then, answer back, but you should look for other support too. This board is very good for that, but nothing replaces having a friend.
Seek others that have same interests as you and try to get out there. I've been abused and know it can be hard to trust. Don't get in too deep but please try not to be completely alone and please check in, I'll be looking for you.

peace and love
Kate

[cheyriver]

Update on the situation...

Several months have gone by with no reply. So I started to think maybe I should stop writing. I really didn't know if the lack of replies meant he doesn't want my letters or something happened to him as in personally or illness etc. I decided a week and half ago to send one last letter and be open with him. If he didn't reply I would not contact him anymore.

So this is what I said..

I hope my letters are not making you feel uncomfortable. I honestly do not want to cause stress for you.

I do care about how you are. I respect your privacy which is why I leave it up to you to decide to share anything. I realize I haven't shared much about myself as in light positive personal things or anything humorous. The reason is I wasn't sure if you would feel it's inappropriate or if it would make you feel uncomfortable.

If its okay with you, at some further point I will write you another letter. If you ever felt like dropping me a line, I'd be happy to hear from you. If you don't want my letters, its okay to tell me in a way your comfortable with. I will respect your decision.


In the past when he has replied it takes a few months.

Guess what?! I received a reply one week later.

This is the letter he sent to me..

*He included his address at the top of the letter. This time he didn't put his zip code in but I guess he either forgot to or just assumed I would know it since I wrote to his home address before because he included it long time ago in another letter/reply of his.*


Thank you for your letters. I retired from my job and I have been out of town a great deal over the past few months (as one is expected to do in retirement!).

I don't feel particularly uncomfortable at receiving your letters. It is apparent that you have continued to recover nicely. Within yourself, you seem to be doing well now, and I am sure that this will continue through to the future. Good luck!

I take the interpretation of his letter as this...

I take it that he is saying its okay to write to him but letting me know that he may not respond or respond fast due to retirement, expected to travel because he has the time now due to retirement ????

I still sense he is shy, reserved, maybe not great at conversation or opening up about himself.

I'm fine being friends with him and not expecting more.

So now where am I at? This may seem silly but sometimes I'm not sure how fast I should reply to his most recent letter. if I write with in a week or two, would that be too fast or wait longer? In the past it would be maybe a month or so because I was unsure. I really don't know what he is expecting either. I was surprised at how fast his reply came but maybe he sensed I was uncertain, worried, and wanted to reassure me with a fast reply.

Also sometimes I don't know what to write to him. I have told him about my progress from my situation but there is only so much of that I can write.

So does it sound like he is saying its okay to write him???

????

[houghchrst]

If you don't know what to write him than that says to me that there is no point in writing. Writing letters is for communicating, keeping in touch. Wait until you have news or feel like chit chatting. Maybe a funny card once in a while but don't force it. You are not in a committed relationship.

The reason you may have gotten the last so soon was because he was home. I don't think it was because he was in a big hurry to reassure you. Like he said he has been gone a lot.

you seem to be doing well now, and I am sure that this will continue through to the future. Good luck!

This almost sounds to me like a "just in case I don't hear from you" kind of line.

Also maybe you didn't get a letter back because he didn't think of it as a reciprocal kind of thing. You know.........I write you, you write me one back and so on. Men don't think like that.

I don't think he minds if you write to him but you sound almost like it is more of a chore when you say you want to write but don't know what or how you should wait.

Write when you have news. When you are in a good mood and feeling chatty. Like I said send funny cards, funny news stories from his home town. Just like you would a friend.

[cheyriver]

houghchrst,

Thank you for your input.

In my past letters I write at the end, "If its okay with you , at some point I will write you another letter. If you ever felt like dropping me a line, I'd be happy to hear from you." But even then I guess men don't think the same as women or like you mentioned with the reciprocal thing.

That is true it does sound like a chore to me. I think because I've been dealing with other things going on, I feel like I'm in a funk, and maybe its affecting the letter writing and/or mood.

That is true, write when I have something to say or when I'm in a good mood. That way I will have more to say, think more clearly.

Oh okay I didn't realize with regards to "you seem to be doing well now, and I am sure that this will continue through to the future. Good luck!" as in case I don't hear from you. I guess he was wishing me well in case he doesn't hear from me type of thing.



If you don't know what to write him than that says to me that there is no point in writing. Writing letters is for communicating, keeping in touch. Wait until you have news or feel like chit chatting. Maybe a funny card once in a while but don't force it. You are not in a committed relationship.

The reason you may have gotten the last so soon was because he was home. I don't think it was because he was in a big hurry to reassure you. Like he said he has been gone a lot.



This almost sounds to me like a "just in case I don't hear from you" kind of line.

Also maybe you didn't get a letter back because he didn't think of it as a reciprocal kind of thing. You know.........I write you, you write me one back and so on. Men don't think like that.

I don't think he minds if you write to him but you sound almost like it is more of a chore when you say you want to write but don't know what or how you should wait.

Write when you have news. When you are in a good mood and feeling chatty. Like I said send funny cards, funny news stories from his home town. Just like you would a friend.