need to vent !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[911]

i really dont know where to begi but guess i'll start with this , weeks ago i was "oficially" d/x'ed by a skin doc that i have psoriasis and ht kinda goes aong with my back dctors thing about him d/x'ing me with the same type (psoriatic arthritis) his i hve known for a long time but finally my fiancee got me to go to a dermatologist ad shes's doing her best but her last words were i cant even imagine thepain you have with your joints ??? finally it seems itsall bing recognised i have an appt with a rhumatoogist oming soon so we will see how this goes , iamdesprtly hoping someone will put me on the DMARD or newer biologic meds so we will see ,
the story goes on more kinna into my personal life but here goes anyways coz i ave been stressing over this bigtime , i am angaged to a very verysweet and kind woman , have been for a few months no hurry to get married but we are and will be anyways i also have " bood relative's" 3 ssters older and twin sons i have been seperated for some tme from my kids due to my own problems and issues with my ex nd tonight comes along and one of my sisters broke the silance , and gets on sandra's case about what she thinks i need and dont wich she ws so so wrong (sister ) sandra my finacee has done for me in 6 months more than any of my sisters ever have , i have spent the last 3 ears (conservativly) in my own hell with my entire family hinking i am a drug seeking addict (to putit nicly) they havegone so far as to let me spend one night on the steet alone when i was only 20 mins away , spend the last 8 christmas's alone including new years and it really goes on from there and i mean it goes on ad on so much so i just want them to go away anleave me be but i cant find it in my heart to say it to them ( i have shed alot of tears over this ), i have been starting to fixthing's with my kids theboth have cell fones and are very much like me and keep mostthings to them self so o oe really knows except me and god i have been trying , i gues ight now i just needdedd to let some of this out and maybe a good cry it's now nearly 3:30 am and i cant sleep so i thought i would try and post here and get some out , i really needd to thank everyone for putting up with me and being kind to me when i needed it the most this board and the peopl on it have given so much to me and really just kept e going and alive and my fiancee(sandra ) really needs to be recognised aswell without her i woudnt be here to write this , ill add more perhaps later because there is alot i am carrying right now but with a lil help we will get thru and be ok , thanks and happy new year to alli hope everyone des and as a better year this year coming ,,,,,,,,,,, Dave,,,,,,,,,aka,,,,,,,,,,911

[brians2000]

Good Luck Dave. Sound like you have a great fiancee. I would try to forgot about all the other family members who have doubted you thru the years. Hopefully you will find relief soon. Brian

[911]

thanks brian , unfortuantly i am still up ,,,,,, dave

[BrokenBladder]

Dave,

Sandra sounds like a dream come true for you. As for your sister butting her head in after all of this time, well I think it's obsurd.
It's a terrible feeling to have family that simply has no desire to understand what's going on with us. All they seem to want to see is the worse possible thing which of course is that we are drug seeking. The truth is the worst possible thing is that we are in pain 24/7 and need a support system within our family. It sounds like Sandra is supporting you completely and I wouldn't let your sister put her down or talk badly to her.
If you need to talk I'm always available. Take care and I hope you're getting some rest now.

[Jo6]

ditto to what Lisa said. Hang in there and remember we are here:)

take care, Jo

[911]

thanks my freinds last night it really got to me badly and i didnt sleep all night still havent slept yet , i know in my heart whats right to do and what lisa says is and was my original plan but the most difficult thing is they are whats left of my family and i hate to let go but i have been hanging on to this for many years , guess i just freaked out a bit last night not really wanting to do whats nessesary because the sad fact is no one in my family not even the sister i talk to supported me in the times i needed them most ??? something really wrong that happing , in every concevable way they have turned the other cheek when i was down and out , crap the sister i talk to told sandra to toss me to the curb a few months back over this medication issue ? that hurt in more ways than anyone can imagine , i have been in and out of psych unit's over the years not once did i get a call or a visit infact those times i went might have been avoided had they been there for me ??? the other thing is is i inherited something that they all want a peice of my uncle left it to me many years ago and my dad told me to do as i see fit with it so i am doing this to , god i have such a bad taste in my head or mouth for whats left of my family i dont know how to feel anymore and honestly its gona hurt like hell when i divorce them ?? thanks again for letting me vent ,,,,,,,,,,, Dave ,,,,,, aka ,,,,,,,,,,,911 ohh i need to say this sandra is not just a dream come true for me she is a prayer ansered !!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks again Dave

[Mark N]

Dave, Sandra is a blessing to come into your life. You ask if it will hurt to divorce your family and I have to ask why? They have done nothing but put you don't and turn their backs on you when you needed them. If you can honestly say that is how they have been, then walk away and let them know the door is open when they are ready to accept your health problems along with the medication that your illness requires.

It hurts now because you are carrying the whole load for the family and CP is so overwhelming you are stressing yourself too much. Hang on to Sandra and ditch your family [not the kids] for a year and see if you are better off. My guess is you will be much better off because Sandra will give you loving support and not place undue stress on you. With that pressure off your shoulders and the support Sandra gives you will see your life change so why worry about divorcing a unsupportive family that makes your life worse?

[houghchrst]

I agree with all of the above. All your family is doing is compromising your health by being a burden of stress and pain. You cannot do well physically if you have such mental stressors in your life. Distance yourself, write it down in a letter if you have to and send it to them and tell them to stay away and why. Be civil but set boundaries and give yourself a period to be away from them and get your own family comfortable and healthy. Keep your children in the loop as to what is going on because you can almost guarantee there will be backlash and if they are old enough to understand then they can handle it and stick up for themselves and know what is the truth.

You both deserve all the happiness that the world can offer so give yourself a present and separate from the family for a while.



((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

[Buttons2]

Dave, you don't know me at all,but I just happened to read this thread. I think everyone living with daily pain has been shunned & hurt by family members that simply don't understand.

I call these people "toxic". And it can be long time friends as well as family. We hide our pain-right? Well they may notice we aren't the life of the party anymore,but do they pay attention to the fact it's impossible to smile when you hurt? No....

You have to count your blessings,and in this case it is Sandra. And I also encourage you to maintain contact with the twins. As for the rest of them....let them go. Or at least put them on a back burner until you feel well enough to challenge their ignorance.

Anything that causes loss of sleep or emotional turmoil,is something you need to avoid @ this time.

You're not alone in finding empathy & support here on BT. I literally feel it has saved my life.

Wishing you better days ahead,Buttons

[911]

wow , thanks everyone well this day (friday) is about over, your all right and yeh buttons it has and continues to save my butt from time after time , i am ok now thank god i had a time this afternoon when i thought i might have to go thru a crisi unit but i / we got thru it and now i am ok , i also had my maintainance ect treatment and the other thing "not smoking" has been an aditional stressor in my life so , thanks again everyone i am sure this whole ordeal isnt over with yet but tonight i am ok and thats good enough for me , i hope those who do can say a prayer for sandra she's havening alot of issues right now to so god bless her shes helped me to when she prolly could have used a lil bit ,,,,,,,,,,,, thanks ,,,,,,,,,,,, Dave ,,,,,,aka,,,,,,911

[GardeniaGirl]

Dave - I have gone through this with my own family.

My two adult brothers have basically turned their backs on me entirely slowly over the past 5 years.

I could not attend one of their weddings 2 years ago due to my health. My brother stopped speaking to me after this and hasn't contacted me since. He even had a baby this past Spring and I didn't get any kind of notice, baby pics, or anything.

My family is fine when everything is going well - they love to laugh, be the life of the party, have a good time, etc. But when the chips are down, they don't know how to be supportive or caring at all. That is when the true colors came shining through for me. When I really needed them when I got sick, they didn't have anything to give.

Its been a very painful process, but I have finally reached a point where I have mentally and emotionally "let them go." Its taken several years actually. I now basically see it as they are the ones with the problem, not me. And I do have some truly caring and kind people in my life -- so I don't really "miss" the toxic and hurtful relationships from my actual blood relatives.

I figure, if that is how they want to live their life, then go ahead, I'm not missing out on much.

Be thankful you do have your fiancee -- and do keep reaching out to your kids and trying to build a bond with them -- I think that is important.

But the other ones, if you can eventually get past the hurt, to a point of indifference, it really takes the edge off.

Oh, and last - I hope you can get on some proper medication for the arthritis -- you can see from my profile that I am on a number of DMARDs - Enbrel, methotrexate, and Imuran -- I still have a lot of pain, but the pain levels would be 100X worse without those meds.

hang in there!
GG

[alex44]

Having been where you are (and stil am to apoint), I can relate. Please keep a god relationship with the kids, they sound like they are old enough to understand. Keep your head up and hang in there. God bless you.
Alex44

[sandi1016]

Dave,
Hang in there buddy. It's hard to deal with family members because what is wrong with us isn't "visible". It's not like having a leg or an arm removed , that can be seen. Most people have no idea about the intensity of chronic pain and it's effects on our ability to go out and do things. They tend to think of pain in terms of a toothache, or a headache. Take a couple of aspirin or advil and we'll all be fine....it's not like that, you know that, Sandra knows that.
You have to deal with /learn to live within the limitations that chronic pain brings, we all do. You can try to explain it to someone, but unless they are living it, they won't understand, as much as they may or may not try.
The important thing is you knowing and coming to accept that this is your life now and that you are living it as best you can.
For those who can't accept that, well you have to decide if having them in your life is a blessing or a curse and do what you need to do to keep your life as stress free and positive as it can be.
Sandi

[houghchrst]

You both are always in my prayers. Isn't she doing counseling? I hope it is working for her. Things may get worse before they get better. I hope you both have a wonderful 2008.

[911]

ythanks everyone and it's nice to know were in others prayers , yes were both in counciling and we all know how well counciling works ??? for some ???? NOT thats not to say it's not working coz it's helping in as much as it can , we are both doing the best we can but when my sister tells her that she doesnt know me well enough to tell me or help me and she or they are not now nor have they ever been helpful to my life with chronic arthritis ( psoriatic) or worse yet ever once visit me in the hospital when i was in the psych unit because i wanted to kill myself , not only did that statement inflame her it still pisses me off and hurts that whats suposed to be my very own family didnt want to help me , it was easier to leave dave in the hopsital and forget him ??? i'll tell you that really hurt then and hurts me now to write it and for what ever reason i cant let go of it yet ??? perhaps when they all find out i sold " the family farm " and it's out i'll let it go and things will return to there " norm" forget about dave because he didnt give me a part of it ???? yes its worth alot and i mean alot of money but i am doing as my dad and my uncle intended , my uncle knew i would do whats right and dad knew i would do what he told me to ( dad told me to do what I WANTED AND NOT YOUR SISTERS OR ANYONE ELSE) so i know i am doing it right , i have waited all my life for the right woman to come along to share this with and we found each other , that one is sandra and her 13 y/o girl though i am still somewhat an outsider to her but thats getting better to , you all also need to know when sandra and i got together last summer i made no mention of any farm or inheritance that came out about 3 months ago when i redid my will to get my family out of it ( cept my boys they are well looked after !!!) so you again see some of my fire i have inside of me as a result of my past history with my " family" i do still love them as they are my sisters but i do NOT HAVE TO LOVE THEM !!! AS THEY LEFT ME TO ROT IN A FREAKING PSYCH WARD COZ IT WAS THE EASY THING TO DO !!!!!!!! MORE THAN ONCE !!!! sorry i'll stop now as i am beating on the keyboard and gona hurt the puter ,,,,,,,,,,, Dave,,,,,,,,,,,, aka ,,,,,,,,,,911

[houghchrst]

Dave you have every right to be angry. You did the right thing. It was what was wanted. Too bad for them. You are not responsible for how they feel. It is all on them. As everyone says. Stop the contact. They are mean and hurtful and do not have your best interests at heart. You can love them, they are your family but by no means do you have to like them nor do you have to associate with them. Tell them to stop all contact that you are not interested in maintaining a relationship with them right now. You can have family yet have no blood relationship to them. Such as Sandra and your new stepdaughter. They are your family. Concentrate on you guys and let the rest go.

[gizmogirl]

Dear dave,
You don't know me, but I have some family members that ignorant seems sometimes too kind a word to describe them. I think to myself, they don't have to be perfect for me to accept that they exist, so why do I have to do more than accept that they are the way they are. Once I stopped trying to make things good, a long time (in fact most of the times) there was pretty mcuh no interaction. And when my husband finally got hurt a few times by them, I said to him, can't you just accept that they are who they are and not wish they could be as fair or honest or decent as you? Not hate them, either, just accept them and not have any expectations of them or you'll get hurt. It seemed to help my husband.
Now they occasionally call or want to get together, and although I am amazed inside to see that they think everything is fine with this family because various ones get together a few times a year. I don't do anything but smile, maybe reply politely briefly and non commitally, and I start conversations ONLY with my husband or a kid. Sometimes someone will even deliberately (although subconsciously) try to bait me by remembering something nice I once did as done by someone else and they'll praise that other person - and I just smile and then continue talking to my husband or a kid. They are so narcissisic (and most of them insecure) that they don't notice anyone or anything but their own voices, so nobody even realizes what's going on except the cool people.
Let them go, like I tell my husband to do. Even if you still see them sometimes. Just laugh or smile or say a non-sequitor compliment to one of the kids and change the subject. It's amazing how little of a crisis it is once you start doing the laugh/smile/non-sequitor conversation stoppers, and just accept that they are as limited as they are: - you start just finding ways to avoid the crap.
Of course, I would try to tell Sandra at least 10 times more often than I think necessary how wonderful she is. I have found that a factor of 10 forces me to really get creative and THINK about how to give a valid compliment that is atually based on something they just did, something real about them. If she handles an interaction with someone in your family well, tell her that you are impressed by how she handles herself. If you don't let them get to you, ask her secretly if she can please chalk down a couple of points for you for how you handled yourself, and if you really ignored the crap, tell her you just shot an out-of-the-key 3-pointer that was a swish, no less! Making it all a game is easier when you have a buddy in on the game. And a game is a lot more fun than taking people seriously who can't feel good about themselves, so they foolishly try to feel better about themselves than you, which doesn't really make anyone better, now does it! I'm so glad that you are on this message board, because you are obviously someone who really thinks. And, dave, trust me, most people don't. Be glad you're not like them and just phfft them!
Jane

[Mark N]

Jane, what an insightful post. Your description of your family is a good description of my in-laws. I struggled with dealing with them for a long time. They didn't accept me and my wife didn't support me in my dealings with them. If she would have taken the approach you did Jane it would have really helped me feel that she supported me instead of siding with her family all the time.

Dave, I was going to list several examples of the way my in-laws and my brother were non-supportive but it isn't necessary. Although nothing as bad as you have gone through with your family; many of us have families that won't look past themselves to be sympathetic for our conditions because it requires them to give something of themselves. Jane has a healthy approach to this situation, otherwise we let our families tear us up and we don't need that pain with all the health issues and pain we are suffering. It is easy to hear your anger and hurt through the keyboard pounding you are doing. I hope you are able to work past your families poor treatment of you. It is disappointing and hurtful but haven't they already gotten their pound of flesh from you? So why give them any more. Take care and know people here understand what you are telling us.

[911]

you all are right , it is my intention to let them all go , i just cant do it anymore specialy when my sister said what she said to sandra !! god that burns me , thanks everyone it seems we all have atleast part of this issue in common ,,,,,,,,,,,,, Dave,,,,,,,,,aka,,,,,,,,911

[debhun]

Hey Dave,
I am sorry you are having family troubles. It looks like every one does from all the post here. There has been some good one too (post that is). I too have family troubles. And Live next door to them. Don't you just love that one? Will that all seem to know more than the Dr's and I don't need all the meds they have me on. My # 3 Daughter doesn't talk to me at all. She said I wallow in self pity. She and I were very close till she moved to Fla. I am very proud of her. She was 19 when she bought her first home. Not bad for 19. Well she is 25 now I still don't get a mothers day card or a call nothing. She don't ever call me. Now I tried to call and call but it didn't work. so I have stopped. I do ask though her other 2 sisters how she is doing. I hurts really bad to know my own kid hates me over CP. Dave please do what you can to stay in your kids lives. You seem to be a good person and a loving dad. That is all you need is your kids and GF. let the others go their way.

Hugs
Deb

[Kathi49]

Dave,

I read your first post and wanted to cry right along with you. But I do want to say Sandra sounds wonderful. If your family is non-supportive, I would just stay clear and LET them stew in their own juices for awhile. I don't really have the family issues. But if I did, and they treated me that way, I would stay clear and WAIT until they decided to come around. Sometimes that is what it takes for them to realize they are in the wrong or at least realize they have been too harsh.

The other day my mom, my sister and myself were out to lunch and my sister was talking about pain. Of course, I chipped in and my mom said, "Kathi, you think your pain is always the worst!" Well, that HURT! But I said nothing. My sister picked up on that however and said, "Mom, that's not what she meant. Kathi means that her pain is ongoing whereas ours is done and over with." And they were speaking of surgeries they had had where, yes, they had had pain...but now done and over with. Anyway, my mom really did NOT mean anything by it. She is just older and, well, just says what she thinks at the time. I know she doesn't mean to be hurtful. So, I kind of ignore it even though as I said it hurts at the time.

I did have a rip roaring fight with her over the summer. And that is something I have never done in my life...ever! I wasn't cussing but I let her have it. And then I got up and ran into the bathroom to cry. I felt bad for me, I felt bad that I had talked to my own mother like that and just felt like crap for days and days. But we are both stubborn. I refused to call her...period...actually she had started this mess. So, she finally called 3 weeks later and everything was resolved. So, that's what I mean...just let them stew for awhile. Come to find out...I had taken way too much estrogen and was getting hits from it...basically PMSing to the hilt! So, I did apologize to her and told her I was on more on an even keel now and what had happened.

So, I guess you could say what it all comes down to is that my husband is probably my strongest supporter as it sounds Sandra is too. And I will say my family; especially my mom, sister and niece will help out too if I need it. The thing with me is...I try to be strong and NOT ask for help...but sometimes I just have to have it...there is no way of getting around it.

Hang in there. I think with time they will come around. I would just spend my time and effort with Sandra and just separate from the family for awhile. Don't divorce them so to speak...just separate and concentrate your energies elsewhere for a time.

[911]

i cant say enough good about you folks , you have certainly helped me get thru the past several days ,theres no doubt about that , i have done my share of crying over this issue , i just want whats left of my family to love me and to love sandra because i do , thats all i really want they will always think i am a drug addict because of my youth but thats their problems i have been thru talking about my youth with my doc's on several occasions so they knoiw and i am doing great as far as my meds are concerned so thats really a non issue as for everything else well that may always be an issue but i am letting go of it and i will not own it ! i now have this wonderful woman ( sandra) in my life and shes absolutly awsome and her family treats me like gold even her adult children like me now hows that for acceptance for once in my life i feel like i belong again to a family , " theirs" soon to be mine we do plan on getting married some time in the future (no date yet) as she has alot to do being catholic and me becoming a catholic so were definatly taking our time but she wants her dad to be able to give her away at the same time and he has had mulitple strokes but underneith all of his problems he's sharp as a tack , i just love the fact they have all accepted me , i never ever thought i would be loved or accpted by anyone ever again in fact i have thought there were times when my sisters were looking to have me declared incompitant so they could try and do something about my inheritance but as luck would have it they cant ! i am becoming a whole person again slowly , i will always and forever have the pain problems i have accpted that but me being whole again i had kinda lost hope on that one but i know i have said it before my dreams were ansered ,,,,,,,,,, one anser ,SANDRA god i love that woman , i love all you folks to , between her and you all I AM A PERSON AGAIN !!! kinda unbelievable when i think about it , love all of you ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Dave ,,,,,,,,, aka,,,,,,,,,,, 911

[sandi1016]

Dave,
It's wonderful to see you sounding so positive. That's what support and understanding can do for us. Make us feel human again. I'm glad that you have Sandra in your life. It sure sounds like she is a huge blessing.
Your family may come around yet, and then again, they may not. They don't seem to have any understanding of chronic pain and it's treatment and it's impact in the lives of the people who live with it....and until they begin to do some research for themselves or become educated about it, you may still have problems with them. I hope that they decide to do some research for themselves and that ultimately they can be a support for you and Sandra in your new lives.
Sandi

[Mark N]

Dave, not only does Sandra sound wonderful for you but so does her family. It is good to here that you are working on your religion and that Sandra is part of that.

Sandi is right about how nice it is to here the optimism in your post. It is a wonder what supportive people can do to the way we feel. Dave I hope you can focus on the family that supports you and leave the other family to decide when they are going to accept you. It is goo to hear you sounding so much better.

[911]

thanks all usually despite the bad times i am an optomist , just i have times like when i started this post that i loose the optomism or it looses it's priority anyways , my family isnt likly to come around as they have all worked in the medical field and one still does , ( not doc's or nurses ) so them coming around is unlikly but thats ok it's there problem , i really apreciate all the support you all provide to me , i wouldnt be here without it ! thats a fact ! the people here on this forum mean the world to me and i am so glad i have you all in my life , so thanks again and i wish a happy new year to you all as well!!

[BrokenBladder]

Dave,

Like Sandi and Mark said it's so great to hear your spirits up!! I know how difficult this is because I've gone through the same issues.

Sandra is a wonderful woman and she will stand by your side. Keep your spirits high and just stay away from those family members who refuse to accept you just the way you are.

Your twins need to have contact with you and you may find them to be more understanding as they get older.

Life throws us so many curve balls. We are raised to believe that family will always be there for us but in reality I find that more often than not that simply isn't true especially for those of us with CP. Take comfort knowing that you're not alone and that we all understand to one degree or another.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND SANDRA!!

[houghchrst]

Oh Dave I am so happy for your happiness. You sound like you are making it through that rough patch and are stepping onto the other side. Sandra's family sounds wonderful. It is great that you both have support. You are becoming a Catholic, wow, that is an awesome thing to do for yourself and for the woman you love. I hope this New Year brings you both great happiness and health.