forgive and forget

[Kashis]

Forgiving is the hardest part forgetting will never happen and well my trip home is coming closer then ever and I have to keep reminding myself I forgave along time ago so I could move on in life and not let them keep winning but its tough right now so tough

I will miss all of you cause I can't talk there I can fix the comp but can't use it go figure but this is what I am dealing with bring a comp b ack from no life but can't use then she is nosey and checks to see where I was so I am going to have a hard time without all of you but if I clean the comp totally maybe I can come here to weep so to say I can predict what will happen and I just grrr so upset on there account once again its not right what is one to do like I said I forgave but can't forget

Help whos got some answers for me HELP HELP

I have to get through this I can't bear to take the risk of a stroke and with my last migraine I was under watch for this don't worry go to doc on thur I will let all know what went on I haven't told my fam but my sis as she is in medical field so when I get home she knows she is also part of the abuse problem and is also mentally abused herself she is really programmed but won't get into that at all lets just say if she wasn't I wouldn't have gotten beat so many years ago

I am just fourtante to be out of denial and if I bring this up to her she goes off the deep end so yah I just want a family christmas like in the 60's everyone happy like beliving in the cleaver family so to say big dream but if I don't look forward to it well I will be in misery knowing the truth

Thanks all for listing to my posts to me my crying and my fears without you I coulnd't get along right now

[Cry Tears]

Krissi...I'm sorry to tell you this...but there NEVER will be a happy Christmas Leave it to Beaver,
perfect mom wearing her crisp starched apron, Turkey in the oven,
table set with care, dad entertaining the grandkids,
piles of gifts too high to keep under the tree, grandparants on their way,
oldest child home is off from school break.
The perfect house, clean and very rich looking.
You know the kind you see in magazines.
Martha Stewart look is nothing but a big fat lie!
Just like Santa clause! He's too fat to fit thru anyones chimney!

Your own pictures look nothing like you'd wanted...
gosh if only the camera didn't pick up the piles of crap left in the corner.
Hey, be thankful it can't pick up smells....
cat boxes piled so high the tirds spilled over onto the floor...
or rotten garbage in the can under the sink...
or the musty smell rising up the stairs leading down to the dark damp basement.

The Christmas's I grew up having was like some unbeleivable story right out of a horror novel.
My mom worked as a nurse, always double shifts,
nights and holidays because extra pay was worth it to her...
she was the bread winner while her husband, aka my sperm donor "father",
gambled and scammed people for a living.

He was always gone, off playing while my mom worked hard, she used me as her right...
I in charge of my 6 & 8 years younger 2 sisters.
We lived in a converted tavern...the upstairs unliveable, we swore was haunted.
It was way out of town on long hiway leading down into town.
ON 10 acres, and surrounded by several weeping willow trees.

I'd cut a poor excuse for a cmass tree from the backwoods,
then decorated it with junk I found in dumpters across the street, a second hand store.
I used can lids, odds and ends junk, didn't look anywhere close to a decoration...but was all I had.

The 2 endtables were simply those wooden orange crates, covered with material I'd rescued from the dumpter.
For Cmass dinner, I gathered my sisters around the table.
My mom "sprung" for several of those 5 for $1 chicken pot pies.
I'd carefully carve out fancy patterns before baking them,
I tried hard to make it special time for us.

We had NO TV or phone and were lucky enough to have propane gas to run the cookstove.
Even more lucky to have a very nice Grundige FM radio my moms foks had given her,
but not many stations made it that far out in the country.

I was glad the stove had a woodstove built in the side, when no money for gas,
I had to warm the house and cook with wood.
Our floors was nothing but chip partical board.
I'd wash them with a stiff brush, soap and bleach.
For a 13 year old girl, I worked and acted like an adult.

I was always trying to please my mother...is sad, she never tried to please or care about me.
Was always this way, but then I didn't understand or know I was only being used, taken advantage of.

My "father" was brutel in way he treated me.
He'd spend all his pent up anger beating and abusing me.
He's despised and hated me since my conception.
I was told this my entire life...and how I'd ruined his life by my mere exhistance.

He spent the rest of his life hating me...he never forgave me for ruining his life.
He'd wanted to attend medical school, be a doctor,
but because my mom got PG with me she couldn't support him thru school and
her wealthy folks felt he needed to earn his own living.
He left my mom when she was 3 mos PG.
She hunted, chased him down clear across the US to Florida,
then found him when I was almost 2.

The sight of me angered him and he never accepted me,
only put up with me while my mom worked full time to support his gambling habits.
I played quietly while my mom slept all day...
this went on till we moved back to Calif, then my 2 sisters were born.

We never celebrated Cmass like a normal family does.
IF we got a tree, it was put up the nite before if at all....
gifts were purchased during evening break...
mom would come home with brown paper store bags from local TG&Y dime store.
Still in bags she hand them out...oh yeah, geeze thanks mom! Just what I wanted....underware!
Oh you shouldn't have! And the rubber dish gloves, oh for me?! Wow!
Once the paper bags were open we'd dive into the meal she'd purchased....Taco Bell!
One time she went all out got us a full chicken dinner from KFC!...wow,
how wicked this was as we'd been raised mostly vegan...
was a religeous "thing" then... so eating foods like this felt almost naughty, but very tastey!

After I moved out I started my own family traditions...nothing like I had at home.
I had to make my own Christmas memories.
The only memories I had of Cmasses growing up were nothing but sad, lonely and unhappiness.

Our mother never tried to make holiday memories for any of us,
now her family is gone and she is recieving what she gave us....NOTHING!
They don't invite her or see her for any of the holidays.
She can't understand why! Huh...go figure!
My "father" is almost gone....numerous strokes wiped his brain out years ago...
he sits in some dingey nursing home babbling inchoherantly.
My mom remarried but she has Alzheimers and is quickly going down hill.
This may be the last Christmas she's around.
My children have made their own familys, scattered across the states, so my husband and I are alone.
We have to make the "holidays" meaningful for ourselves and
can't rely on others to make them happy.

We've lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas as it has become so commercialized.
We all expect the holiday meal with all the trimmings, table set to perfection.
Everyone behaving and caring. Every past "sin" forgiven.
Wanting the way it really should be in having a close loving family.
But that won't ever happen.
We want those perfectly wrapped gifts someone spent their last dime on,
or will spend the next two years trying to pay the credit cards off.
WE must do this for our own peace of mind and happyness.

Christmas will never be those happy perfect scenarios for most of us,
is something rare for familys now days to not be terribly disfunctional.
Remember....the very first Christmas was spent with a bunch of animals
in some dingey stinky cave out in the edges of town.
The Creator of the Universe wasn't even welcomed to spend the night in someplace wonderful,
had no fancy clothing to wear, was wrapped in swaddling rags.
We've long ago lost the true meaning of Christmas.
I'm ashamed to admit I too have lost sight of what really matters.
To take care of yourself and your loved ones.
Everything else doesn't matter.
Blessings, cheryl

PS...I understand what you're meaning. I don't want to "discount" what you've written in wishing things were better.
Its just my years of experience from living years with a very disfunctional family,
then marrying into that "perfect" Leave it to Beaver famliy...
I thought the holidays would be wonderful...
like I'd always dreamt of while growing up.
Boy was I in for an awakening...my inlaws were much worse!
The food was perfect, the gifts were great,
but the love was missing.

[joy]

Hi Krissi. Unless a doctor or thearipist has told you not to, I wish you could do what I tell my little grandaughter to do. Not that she is good at it but but it is all I seem to be able to do for her when she leaves my home. She will be 8 this January and when she is very tired and feels bad, she will still let me rock her in my recliner. She is tall for a child but I love holding her in my arms using my long arms to try and catch her little long legs and hold them close so that I can still rock her. It does eventually soothe her and often she will drift off to sleep. That is a blissful time for me when we can accomplish this together.

Now IF you were able to picture this at all in your mind, do this in stressful times. Picture some loving person who actually cares about you trying to soothe you. I tell my grandaughter at night to "think" of plesant things. I say picture your kittens when they were little. Remember the kitty kisses you gave them on their little noses and remember their little kitty breath. Just think of anything that you hope might sooth your nerves when the noise and talking get to be too much. And it will if it is like most get togethers that I ever attended.

In other words, try and let your mind wander to a more plesant place.
Krissi I know this is a very feeble attempt to try and come up with a solution for you. I can't imagine how hard it is for you and others to have to try and make it through difficult times all the while wanting desperatly for better times.

Will there be time for you to read? If so I'd find a corner every chance I got and read. I am afraid though that you will be doing a lot of the cooking and cleaning up and the necessary preparations that go with large get togethers. That in itself will be very tiring but might be preferable to having to be the one designated as the "looking after" person. Especially if that person does not take to being looked after all that well.

Just know that we are here for you. And we will be wondering just how you are doing. So know that many minds are thinking about you. I have to think that helps, I truly do. Prayers will be going up for you, don't doubt that.

[Kashis]

you know what is sad is I have dr orders not to go for fear of my brain swelling I guess I just have so much faith that things will be ok that I am avoiding that message as its christmas I just want a family that didn't abuse me to spend it with thats the hardest part of all for me right now

this year I didn't get wrapped up in all the gift giving I made alot of them I just want a family I know its way to much to ask for but its all I want for christmas love happiness I am so tired of fighting and thats all that happens there I just want to stay here but its not allowed as I am not allowed to be alone due to my complicated brain injury we have avoided going home for 10 yrs I never faced there abuse as bad as I am now because with tbi there are things I must get over an thats why I post here so its time as every one is getting old My father in law has been my father all these years I am doing this for him he is what matters to me he is so full of love towards me and has taken me in as his own long before I was with my husband my father died @ 9 so I didn't have the dad I wanted till him

as far as doing things I have meditation cd's for when it gets to much for stress and anxiety and one to just breathe so this is what I will do its just so fake thats what I hate most everyone acting like everything is ok and the battles breaking out left and right

not at my inlaws but I get ganged up on there and I am stuck then I do have a sister in law that will get me out if it gets to be to much so this is a good thing she cares

I didn't much mean the cleaver family I just meant the caring and the love thats all I ever wanted not to just be loved as its christmas and cause I exist I have to get a gift or a meal so to say I don't know how to explain it but point being they all abused me terribly and this year I am having trouble with this as I already faced alot of my issues when I found out I had tbi just not with my family I guess cause there still in denial what I want for christmas is Im sorry and its never gonna happen but cheaper and more meaning ful then any gift ever could be I am so tired of hearing how my husband did this all when there also a part but hey why not blame just one so there off the hook


CRY TEARS the christmas you made for you siblings may haven't been nothing but it was what you did to make it special no matter how hard it was and no matter how that hurt you were blessed with a gift of turning nothing into something and I praise you for that as hard as it was you did what you could to make sure there was some sort of christmas and were there for your brothers and sisters to keep them happy and they remember how close you were and what you did to help them through thats what christmas is about and I am glad you were there for them


Anyway I am sure we all have horror stories of christmas past I think thats how the christmas carol came about LOL I think thats the name with scrooge
but for once due to my TBI I need to feel safe I already decided I will sit with dad in his room and spend time with the person who means most to me

when it comes to my so called family they already think were leaving that morning after breakfeast and well that will be a quick visit so I should be ok I have tried to make plans as best I can just so I can get by while there and I will miss you all so much if it gets to bad I will go to the library to post if I have to during the week just to get it out so they don't continue to make me suffer I can't and won't allow it isn't this what all my posts have been about I have came along way I am a survivor dammit sorry for the language have to be stren with myself right now I don't no longer live there I don't have to see them but this once so I know the lord will be there to watch over me and again I remind myself Jesus is the reason for the season this is his day not ours and were celebrating his birth and thats whats important

When I was in biofeedback they told me to find a place in my mind to go when I feel safe and they asked me where that would be and I said with GOD my biofeedback dr was just amazed I said that it wasn't some island or some glam place but in the comfort of the arms of GOD
I am not the very religious person I have strong faith and a relashonship I found through all of this I have a hard time with religion as it was pushed on me my mother the catholic who would go to church on sunday and walk out with her cursing mouth thats not what I wanted anyway way off topic

I am happy to think of all of you as my biggest christmas gift without you right now it wouldn't be a merry christmas its the simple things and having this place to go is a gift given to me found on accident while looking up brain injuries it wasn't an accident it was meant to be so I could deal with my fears my angers and my doubts I thank you all this holiday season for being my gifts

[Kashis]

Its taken me awhile but by posting I have now figured it all out no matter what ever happen all I ever wanted was to be loved to feel love it is that simple Hugs

[joy]

Krissi you are an amzing person. To be in so much pain, to have such a past, and still have the heart that you do, to stilll strive to help others as well as yourself. You have made remarkable progress i think. you are a survivor and it is because you ahve fought so hard in my opinion.

you explained just what i was trying to describe how i wanted my grandaughter to feel. and by naming God as the one holding you in His arms, i know you can do it. you have great strength deep inside of you krissi. you will do this and then look back and say, never have to again if i so choose.

i did catch the part that you have to go because you can NOT be alone. and yet you work on a solution that will permit you to withstand alll the presssure you know will be focused onto you.

krissi i am just be a stranger that you will never meet here on this earth likley but i do want to tell you just how proud of you i am. you have overcome unimaginable odds and are working so hard to make sure things stay that way. it takes a lot of hard work and determination to fight a whole lifetime of abuse. lots of warm thoughts for you and many hugs ((((krissi))))

[Kashis]

Thanks Joy your an awesome person yourself and its nice to know someone understands just where I am coming from and thats what I love best about this sight

[Kashis]

well I am home and so happy I missed you all there is so much to say things weren't good but not with my family for a change it was the inlaws as expected one of my kids got a digital camera and a laptop and the other got a tshirt which was just the start

The gifts I got from my mother my youngest gave away to my mother in law an she lied to me told me she bought them how rude the lady who has everything

then I got banana bread was so excited and they hid it on me how childish really then she got one ate a piece offered my daughter one and not me and when I asked my daughter for a bite well I was told to stay out of her food just lil things like this were so hurtful mind you I fixed the ladys comp all hours of the night I stayed up 24 hours so it would be finished by time I got heading for home but in my eyes what goes aroound comes around

I was crying quite a bit then over and over hearing why am I wearing sunglasses in the house when they all know I have tbi just awful really then my mother in law said my mother was said and knew I was in town so I would call her and blow the big surprise as she was jealous how rotten but I kept my guard up as best I could I so wish I could have cried here but I didn't want her knowing that I have a place like this to go when I need mental help so to say in healing

The happiness I provided my mother and the tears in her eyes really made me let go seeing ornaments I made as a child and remembering christmas's past really overwhelmed me as I forgot due to the brain injury I don't remember alot of the good times just all the pain but I think I have moved on we even ate dinner as a family no arguments just total happiness and all gifts were hand made as I had no money but they were the best thing for all as they all loved what they got

As far as my mother in law her negativaty took alot of my positivity away from me and my self estem went low and self confidence it should have never happen like this I shouldn't have allowed it but had no where to turn if I could have just came here I know I would have been ok

I came home went from possible stroke watch to high stroke watch which wasn't good and pnemonia on top of that things aren't well for me right now so didn't need the stress and I told my mother in law I was under stroke watch and she told me not to get stressed or upset ya she was bound to make sure that happen to me almost like she wanted me gone

She took me for granted and never again will I go out of my way to help her the hours I put in to her comp would have cost her 75 a hour it took me 24 so yah this is the 4th comp I fixed for her and not even a thank you its just expected now and its wrong but I say nothing as she still owns my home for 2 more years only then I could care less and I do have respect even if those don't respect me but came to the conclusion my mother in law is 2 faced

I am so glad that I am home with all of you as i know I have a place to go and I will be ok here as you don't judge me put me down or tear me up you listen and respond in a kind way

I did end up doing my rug hooking and being by myself so I could cry or course I blamed it on my tbi as when I tried to talk to my husband it just upset me more as he yelled at me for being upset and letting them get to me

I do have a heart and it gets broken eaisly but again put him in his place too I was glad dad was there as he loves me and no one even attempts to attack me when he is around

they judged me on my crafts and raising donations again I think its jealousy as I am trying to do something in life and not let tbi ruin me anymore then it has

My sister made me a cranberry nut bread said it was all mine she listen to me cry and held me while I did for the first time ever she didn't want to see me hurt no more I think there coming around and I guess I may never get I am sorry but from my family this year there was love for the first time ever and that was as special as it gets I guess

Happy New year all and thanks for being here for me just to let me get things out so I don't have to cry or be down or let them take away all I have gained I love you all so much you have become family Hugs

[joy]

Krissi I am glad it is over and you made it. I would take a peacful meal together without hurtful words as a good one. There will always be those that like to toss out jabs at others, I consider them to be small people, incapable of love or giving in kind myself.

I am so glad your sister knew how to respond with you. Not to you but sounds like with you and that in itself is worth a small fortune. I hope you can keep the small bits of genuine kindness close to your heart and let all the mean hurtful things slip away. While it was unkind of your husband to yell and not understand why you were upset, that right there is the answer most of the time, men just don't understand and get easily frustrated and are like children. If they can't fix things they usually want them to disapper in a hurry anyway.

Now it is over and hopefully will not have to be discussed or dissected over and over again. That would be great too if it could just stay in the back of your mind quietly now. I hate when things keep rearing their ugly heads especially when I lie down to sleep and I'm sure you are the same way.

I was wondering how it went and how you were so I'm awfully glad you checked in and told us. ;)

[blossom4th]

Krissi,
I am also very relieved to hear from you and to know that you are safe at home! :) It is good to know that you were able to feel some love and kindness! :) I'm so glad that your dad and sister were there for you! :)

[Kashis]

I have figured out they took my positivity and filled it with negativity took self esteem which took me so long to recover and self confidence and never again will I allow this to happen at all I worked to hard and came to far

That lady is miserable and tried to do the same to me from stealing my present from my mother to making me use old coffee filters when she had a brand new pack she was jealous of me trying to talk my husband into leaving me to the state he stood up and said that our love is in no way worth any amount of money which made me feel so good inside

The ones I worried about most weren't the ones to hurt me the most thats the freaky part I wasn't prepared for never again will I go out of my way for her she was jealous of what we did for my mother and tried to get me to call her to ruin things out of her jealousy the lady who has everything is the most miserable go figure

It was so nice to come back here and relive myself of all this hurt my positivity is coming back and I am moving on as if I let it bother me they win again and nope I am a survivor and no one is going to take that away from me

after all the abuse I have learned its easier to let go when its all over then to hold on to it as all it does is hurt me deeper and deeper and I don't need that at all I have enough going on with my brain injury and stroke watch pretty sad I came back from stroke watch to high risk when I had told my mother in law what was goin on it was like she wanted to kill me literally so to say

I am better now I have talked written and got all this out and now am satisfied to the fact that I can move on and keep pushing forward I am just so glad to be home

I still feel bad for my oldest she did ask why her sis got a laptop and she didn't I knew it would hurt her alot and she was lied to I so want her to know the truth but I won't hurt my child on there account they already did enough of that on there own but no more christmas's at home for along time

Of course christmas surprise for my mom wasn't good enough either now she is complaining I didn't bring more meds to be there for her birthday I didn't even know till I got to town so she can just get over it and accept what she got for a change as nothing will ever be good enough for her

but I can say never will I go home unless someone is dying and I need to be there or in summer where I can escape my plans to deal with situations fell threw the window but I had the power of prayer in my hands and thats what helped me through all I could do was pray for my sanity and happiness its all I had I am not a religous person but can't say I don't have a relashonship with GOD that has gotten me this far someone has to be watching me or I wouldn't be alive I really believe this in my heart


the strangest part of all is my mom is the same way with my oldest as my mother in law is with my youngest go figure its totally sick but I love my kids both the same and its all that matters

I put my life on the line to help fix my mother in laws comp by staying up all night and not thinking of me and as selfish as it sounds I have now learned thourally I do come first from now on I am somebody and deserve to be treated as just that and to be told I broke her comp cause it has a dial tone is just beyond me all she had to do is ask me to turn that off instead of saying such a nasty thing and not even a thanks

My resouloution this year is going to be don't sweat the small stuff anymore as I am the one that gets hurt by doing this and if I don't sweat the small things I will do just fine