25 YR old Daughter still lives with us

[MamaRider]

She has some minor health probems that she has made into a MAJOR BIG deal, I think because of living with me. I have not been Mom of the year -ever. I have treid suicie like, times or something, and she says one of the resons she doesn't want to move out is because of me. But we take care of her comepletely. We pay for EVERYTHING for her. She has never really held down a real job for very long. She jokes that her Insurance is the ins o f"MOM" but that isn't funny. MY DH, her father, would like to retire some day. He is 55 and we had hoped to retired early, and do so Christain Ministry. He is vested in his pension now so that would be cool, but as long as she lives with us that is not possible. AND SHE DOES NOTHING AROUND THE HOUSE>I know that her should is givining her problems and she is in pain, but I RAISED HER IN PAIN!! Now she is gettting pissy because I want to hire a STRANGER to start cleaning my house. The last guy we had was one of her freinds and he stold one of my ATM cardsand stold sevra thousand dollars out of account. Not to mention the DRUGS he stold from me!!! She controls this house and we are tired of it. She cannot gethelp for med ins, from the STATE becasue WE maketoomuch money and she lives at home. If we were to move her out and pay for her to live on her own or get a roommate the state would, still make us co-sign for her ins. And since she isn't ever gonna work we aree goong to be aying all her bills, not just the ones we can afford, like we are right now. (At some point she is going to have to go medically bankrupt, which I understand is not as bad as some bankrupt.) But this caregivng for her is exhausting for me. Don't get me wrong...she is our only childand I would walk hru fire for her. I would. But, I am sick too, more so than her, and she doesn't get that she has to HELP OUT SOME and that I AM THE MOMMY!!! and my DH IS THE DAADDY!!!! and we are in CHARGE!!!!:eek:

[Gymnast_Navy_Wife]

Just sending some (((hugs)))

I am not a parent, so take this as just my .02 ...... My opinion is that given her age, and that her medical issues are not life altering, she needs to "grow up" and start taking on some responsibilty. I know this may seem harsh, and I apologize in advance, but I believe its time for a family meeting and you and your husband need to make create some boundaries, develop some expections, ground rules, etc and make it very clear to her that she needs to start taking some responsibilty for her life; and in turn, make sure she understands the consequences if she doesn't (consequences that are made by you and your husband). Theese "expectations" can be anything from giving her a time line for getting and holding down a job to start paying for the things she needs, going to school to further education, and ultimately moving out and being independent. Giver her a certain amount of time do so and in the mean time, explain that helping out, doing chores and other house hold stuff is not an option-- it is what she MUST do... The consequences can be whatever you and husband decide....

Hang in there !

[MamaRider]

I feel so harsh now, she jst spent two days in the hospiral for breathing problems. NOT hermain problems and she does smoke, BUT i think she is finally gonna try to strop. I feel so bad dumping, but it was all the truth. And boundries would be a great idea, if ANY of us would stick to them.


Merry Christmas

[Violet]

Would it help if you made certain things around the house her respsonbility? If you ask her to help without being specific, she can easily get away without doing anything. But if you ask her to be in charge of mopping the kitchen floor or washing the dishes, for example, it would become obvious that she wasn't doing it. I'm not sure what you could do if she doesn't cooperate. You can't just quit paying bills for her things because it would be your credit that suffers. Maybe remove any special cable connections (TV or internet) she has in her room or disconnect her cell phone?

Is she physically able to work full time?

[Daisy]

I had health problems that are probably more severe than your daughters and I went out and lived on my own after paying for my own college education. I did live at home until I finished college and had a full time job but I was out of the house before 25 with a clear understanding I needed a job because of my health problems, I needed good insurance, just as my parents had carried good insurance for me. Had I gotten sick they couldn't have paid my unisured medical bills.

Tough love isn't called tough love without a reason. Yes, she does have medical issues but you and your husband could be gone tomorrow and what would she do for resources then? You need to teach her now how she is going to survive when you and he are no longer there to support her and pay for her. It won't be easy but in the long run helping her to be self sufficient will be the best gift you can give her not just yourselves.

[brainandspinalcord]

It sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and daughter and make some ground rules. You're right, you and your husband do make the rules, so don't be afraid to do it! Make it clear that she needs to help in the ways she can, and be specific about the things she is expected to do as her injuries allow. It might also help to set some goals about getting a job and becoming responsible for herself.
Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time with this, be strong and hang in there!

[goddessoflubbock]

You are only hindering her development by taking care of her as if she were still a child.

My kids knew/know (28f, 27m, 14m, 10f) that at 18 they needed to be in college and working to pay their own way to stay under my roof. I'm not running a charity.

My oldest left, got married, has a happy family of her own. My second eldest stayed and worked (he worked since 15) and paid toward rent and utilities. Oh, and at 17 he'd been diagnosed with FSGS, a terminal kidney disease. By 20 he was out and now he has a family (and is remission thankfully).

I worked until I got fired. I was quite disabled, and it finally affected my brain, and therefore my work. I applied for disability (ssdi) that March and was approved by June.

Many, many people with significant health problems work to support themselves and their families. This is YOUR time. Take it.