Making deposits but the withdrawal slip says insuffient funds.

[MSCINPLANOTX]

Making deposits but the withdrawal slip says insuffient funds. The depression, the declining health and life.
I was raised to pray, at dawn, mid day, bedtime and just because. I made my deposits and right now I need to make a few withdrawals.

My grandmother calls me and says" Baby did you pray” Of course, I pray! “I said that under my breath” everything will be ok she says. I say “I know grandmother I have faith and I know HE is working it all out”
2 years have past... oh lord how much longer must I wait?

Arthritis, Diabetes, a stroke, high blood pressure,famlira disease (I spelled it wrong)
A brain aneurysm. My 16 year old just had a stoke and now has MS, I lost my mom on Thanksgiving; I lost my great great aunt last week due to brain surgery. I lost my business due to my stroke and every time I stand up, I keep falling down.

Today has been a very bad day for me. Everthing has gone wrong that could go wrong.
I have my moments, my friends and family always described me as the LION hear her roar. (I am drained)
My philosophy has always been: Let the good outweigh the bad and this shall soon pass. For the past 2 years the BAD has outweighed the good (and the scale has tipped over) I still kept trying.
I am tired, so very tired.
I jumped in the Taxi to go to the Dr and a 67 year old women had to get out of the car and close the door for me as I was just too weak…so very weak.
Emotionally, physically and mentally…I’m so tired.
I feel worthless, I feel as if I am a burden.
I am non-insurable the insurance companies will not touch me, both Health and Life!
I can no longer drive. The last time I drove, I went to the local Wal-Mart and got lost in the parking lot and it took security almost 2 hours to locate my car. I am 38 years old. I never asked why me, it is not up to me to question him, though I would like to know how much longer. I know it is still a question but good grief.
My ears are popping and ringing, my chest hurts, and my head hurts…I will just stop.
I feel guilty when people ask me how I am doing. I can not tell them any good news. I have since shut down and have began to avoid their questions.

I am also sick and tired of people telling me to just pray it will be ok. (I don’t mean any harm and I know they are trying to comfort me but THIS IS MY BRAIN WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. If the tables were turned and it was them having their head split open they would understand, but it’s not so they don’t and they won’t!

I love when someone calls to check on me, but I do not want robots. I need real friends, WHEN THEY TELL ME THEY WILL PRAY FOR ME, THAT IS WHAT I EXPECT THEM TO DO…no more no less.
Stop telling me you will pray for me just to make conversation.
Only god can help me now, and he seems as if he has given up on me.
I want to go back to work NOW. I want my life back.

I’m angry, I’m mad, I’m hurt. I isolate, I have no social life, I shut down cuz I am hurting and in pain and some folks just do not understand that I am tired!
I once looked in the mirror and saw someone.
Now I see nothing but disappointment and a big burden.
I have always given to others when life was going good for me, when does this end?

You guys ever feel this way.

I am too sad and tearful to use spellchecker (Sorry)

JUST FOR TODAY

[moose53]

((((((Greta)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/huggiebears.gif

I don't know what to say, other than -- I wish none of this were happening to you. Too much pain in one lifetime, let alone in just a few short weeks :(

I do know that G-d and prayers are not an ATM machine. You can't put 'em in and take out when you need them. Prayers are a connection that we have to each other, a way of supporting each other.

I hang around a lot in the Child Neuro forums. We've SEEN miracles there because of our praying.

I hope you get your miracles, Greta.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty because you're sick. Feel the love and support that comes from your family and your friends and your cyber-pals that surrounds you and protects you.

I don't have anywhere near the number of medical problems that you do. And I've got quite a few years on you :p But, I do know what it's like to face your mortality way too soon.

Let the nurses and the doctors and the anesthesiologist at the hospital know that you're scared next week. They can help you with that.

Let your family know, too. Take this week before surgery to be kind to yourself. Drink tea out of pretty cups. Talk about what's in your heart. Talk about what you're afraid of. Let someone else do the cooking and the housework. Your job is just to feel the love and support and caring surrounding you and protecting you. The Universe wouldn't have diagnosed this problem and given you people that know how to take care of it, unless The Universe had a plan for you. Feel the care and love that surround you from every living thing on this planet -- from your family and friends to the food that sustains you -- you're surrounded by love and support.

Bless you, Greta. Hold on tight to those that care about what happens to you. BIG HUGS.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/thanksforbeingthere.gif

[JAVISI]

Greta,
I have never posted to you before but felt compelled to respond. I do understand the feeling of being a burden. I had to rely on my grandma to pay for my Cobra insurance almost $600.00 a month. I left my ex-husband due to physical and enmotional abuse. I stayed with him until all of my kids graduated. I then had to live with my parents. The stress was unbearable due to my ex and my mom being an alcoholic. They had to pay for everything for me!

I was a Nurse before I developed my brain and body problems. I felt independant and so happy I loved my job. I was angry and sad and felt like I had lost my identity when I could no longer work! I felt like I was put on this earth to care for others! When I lost my job I felt like such a burden an worthless and wondered if things would ever get better! But things kept going down hill for me.

My oldest son got a Dui, My daughter was sentenced to drug court and my youngest got into trouble for driving under a suspended lisence. I had in 1 week all 3 of my kids in jail! These kids were raised in church. We went every Sunday morning Sunday evening and on Wednesdays. They all know righjt from wrong and the all have learned some hard lessons. I am 41 and I feel like my life is a mess.

My daughter reminds me of Foot Prints in the Sand! I try to lean on that. I am now engaged to a wonderful man, things are slowly getting better but I still feel like a burden due to my health. I am hospitalised at least once every 3 month and sometimes more! My parents support me and love me. I have awonderful support system and yet I feel unworthy and hurt still that I can't work!

Sorry I went on so long with all that negative but I do understand to a degree what you are going through, I rely heavily on this site and my cyber friends to help me when I am down. It sure helps. I have found that at least talking about hoe I feel and letting it all out helps!

Rest and let others take care of things for you and try not to feel guilty about it! I know I struggle with that but I have to deal with it and find some happiness about myself that only can come from with in!

I send you cyber hugs and hope that things will fall into place for you!
Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars, Javisi:)

[CanRelate]

I can hear your despair in your writing... I wish we could take it away, even for a little while....

Parts of your story very much resonated in my heart and soul, and other parts I have felt but briefly and as a blessedly short tangent.

The health issues you are dealing with all at once sound overwhelming, especially to feel so aged and as if you are losing some independence. My heart hurts for you....

And, yes, I too am spiritual, recite formal prayers from my youth, but mostly have my own strong relationship with God that goes beyond all that. I too have had preachers tell me that if I would accept my personal savior, I would not be depressed and would be well. Well, I don't need to be born again, because I have never lost the faith and belief I proclaimed in my own voice when I was Confirmed.... meaning it "stuck" the *first* time!! I believe, even though it is so difficult at times, that ultimately all the difficulties that seem suffocating, crushing, and endless in my life will be fertilizer to something I cannot even imagine at this moment.

I believe in miracles, but cannot make them happen. I pray for what needs to be, and the strength and peace to endure it, and not the specific version I would want to happen. I keep you in my prayers....

Warm regards,
CanRelate

p.s. Rather than isolate to avoid the questions of how you are, an honest yet non-detailed answer is..."It is terribly difficult, but I am hanging in there minute by minute..." You have spoken your truth, and those who can handle more detail will sit you down and ask for it.... you get privacy with out isolating, and potentially support you desperately need especially right now...

[houghchrst]

Hi Greta, yes it often seems too many trials for one life. You say you have been the helper all of your life well Barb is right. Sit back and relax and let others help you. You need to try to be rested and in a decent mental state to make sure that you recover quickly and then you can come here and reassure all of us that our new friend is doing well.

[MSCINPLANOTX]

Thanks to everyone that took the time to read and respond, your words have helped me a lot.
When I posted this I was in a bad way, I think I broke down. I could not breath and felt as if someone had a pillow over my face...I felt as if I was suffocating.
You seem as if you REALLY knew how I was feeling.***WARM HUGS***
I am hanging in there!


They have found a Cyst in my left neck. Does anyone know what this may be?
Also what is a SP ANGIO-CARROT/CERB BILAT. I was sent a letter telling me that I must have it since I put the surgery off.

I have requested them to do my surgery for after XMAS ( I just can not go thru this till after XMAS) but I will get it done as soon as Xmas is over.

Thanks for the help.
Happy Holidays
Stay blessed.

[houghchrst]

Hi Greta, I am glad you were granted your request to wait until after Christmas. Just try not to overdo it before then. I know it is hard not too. For me Christmas time is a bag of mixed feelings, excitement, anxiety, stress and worry. I love it, I just wish it weren't so stressful. As the years go by I am learning to let a lot of things go that contribute to my stress level and to realize that I cannot do everything. Everyone here has been a tremendous help with that.

From what I can tell SP Angio is a type of test, Bilateral means both sides, still looking for CARROT/CERB. CERB is a gene but I have no idea what the CARROT is. Try asking on the Chronic Pain forum. Someone there may know. In the meantime I will keep looking. It is funny, when I google it your post comes up LOL.

Hope you have a peaceful day.

[tic chick]

hello, greta*smallrose

it makes me nervous when the medical profession can't spell.

carrot/cerb. probably means carotid/cerebral.

my best guess is that "SP" means surgical procedure.

so they will do a test to see the inside of your arteries in your brain and the carotid artery, which is in the neck.

the love and support of your family is so very important. it is burdensome to be sick. it puts your life on hold.

hopefully, you will get some answers.

best wishes,
jeannie

[MSCINPLANOTX]

THANKS A LOT!
Chris...yes I have been busy.

Alas I got thru to the radiology dept and spoke with the PA.
She looked up my order."SP" because I had a stoke in 05, when they do the procedure I may have to have some type of pump for my arteries or something like that.
Cereb means cerebral. Angio means Angiogram.
Bilateral mean Bilateral...lol
Even though I have changed the date, I still have to come in on that day and have the test above performed.
What they did not tell me: was that I have another annie and that one MAY have ruptured, that being said they just need to look at it again to make certain I can make it until after XMAS. If they see any bleeding, they will have to perform the surgery at that time! (No waiting)
I just find it hard to believe that IF I have ruptured annie, how am I able to get online, type, and still be alive????? I have never heard of this.
I have never had these kind of headaches in my life (EVER)
My vision is so bad; I cannot tell if you are wearing, glasses are not.
I can see a silhouette of your face and body but unable to make out your face.
I cannot read the directions on my medication. I have seen and eye specialist yet they say"glasses will not do me any good" that being said Dr Greta still insisted on glasses, so I get the glasses and still can not see. lol (I cannot be angry with them) they warmed me.

My coordination is very bad, standing and trying to walk. (Omg)
The weakness OMG, If you hand me a Ham to cook I will drop it.
I have a huge magnifying glass so I can read and type (but would not be caught in public with this thing)

I think my problem is my PRIDE. (I am working on that)
I will rest and take your advice.

My church is really trying to help me and be there for me.(They r great folks)
At least I can say I have one support system "BESIDES YOU ALL" You guys are the best! (Thank you Barb)



Thanks

[moose53]

((((((Greta)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/powerofhealing-th.gif

I hope you can feel the love and caring and respect and support that surround you from all your cyber-friends here.

We'll be praying for peace of mind and for skill in the surgeon's hand and for healing with no pain. We have witnessed miracles here. We pray that you get your miracle, too -- this is the right time of year for it.

Bless you. BIG HUGS.

Barb