I give up.

[houghchrst]

Well I have been spending more time at my mom's lately which seems to be doing quite a bit towards her morale. I have been doing her shopping for and just hanging out and talking. I have been trying to help by pushing her towards getting a primary care doc, taking care of her physical therapy and keeping her meds filled. I know I can't make her do these things but I try to do little things or put in subtle comments to help move things along. I went and got a new TV for her bedroom so she would get off the couch and into bed. It is not good for her broken back and rough on the rest of her out of shape body. Picked up a laptop for her that she has been wanting for a long time. Set it up, called her cable to arrange for the bedroom to be hooked up, called the phone company to get her DSL, ordered her new dressers online, sent out about 12 checks for her bills, medical and otherwise. Yesterday I get there early in the day to get the money to go get her laptop and she is in a really good mood but every few words she throws in one that doesn't make sense. Kind of freaks me out because this is how she got the last two times we had to call an ambulance to take her in to the ER. So I snag her Darvocet and her Desyrel (really bad culprit) and go get her laptop. Come back a bit later and my brother who has been taking the most care of her takes me out to the garage and starts crying. He is scared that she is losing it again. I comfort him and tell him that I have any major meds and that it should wear off. Today I call her nurse and tell him what has happened then email her visiting doc's MA and let her know what is going on. Since Thursday early morning my mom has been getting really bad headaches too. She thought it was from being on the couch all this time and then finally going to her bed. We have no idea. Well my mom found out that I had talked to her nurse and asked me why and I told her that she was all whacked out yesterday, well I could tell she was seriously irritated but she didn't say anything. I called her a couple of times throughout the day for little things regarding her DSL setup and such and each time she sounds a little more annoyed. She is very coherent today. So she calls me later and says she can't get her laptop to work, she was a bit out of it when I was showing her how to do it last night. So we swing by there when I pick up the bf from work tonight and she is on the couch and asks what I am doing there so late and I say I came to see what is wrong with your laptop. well the battery is dead from her trying for so long, so I am trying to plug it in with the adapter and she says your brother took my sleeping pills and I said no I have them, she shouldn't be taking them they are making her all whacked out and she gets mad and says I was not f*****g whacked out yesterday. OOPPSS. I haven't heard her use that word since she became a Christian. Then gets up to go to the bathroom and on her way I am telling her about brother crying in garage, bf being freaked out by how she was babbling, and her taking the Darvocets, and she says she doesn't even have any Darvocets. Well I have the bottle here to prove it. So I am getting mad because I was the one who sat with her in the hospital both times while she babbled and hallucinated for days and she was the one who was terrified when she was lost for 3 days in a nightmare hallucinatory state. Seeing her own death and funeral and bloody scenes of terror. So I just said I give up, I am sick of worrying and being stressed out, I quit. Now mind you she has lied to her nurses, docs, physical therapist, and us kids, not to mention herself so that she would have to put the least amount of effort into her getting better. I am so tired. I am so sick of watching her kill herself through neglect and procrastination. She takes her meds like she is supposed to but my brother said she drops something everytime she takes them so I know she is not getting all of them regularly. She won't use the pill minder that I bought for her. Too lazy to fill it, takes too much effort. I know she is depressed but she won't do anything about it and if she doesn't then I am pretty sure that once she is able she will start drinking again. I am going to have to distance myself because I have so many problems that I can't take care of both of us. It is stressing me out and making me seriously angry.

I am sorry this is so long and I didn't really mean for anyone to read all of it, I just couldn't wait to get here and vent. I am so tired that I can't even cry.

[moose53]

Oh, ((((((Christina)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/huggiebears-mini.gif

Your Mom sounds a lot like mine was. Mine did not drink at all. But, she had enough stubbornness and attitude for 10 teenage boys :rolleyes:

I believe some of it is probably the mental changes that they go through when they're not well. I cannot imagine throwing drinking into that mix :(

You can't do it all yourself. Even with the help of your brother. I didn't have help except for $600 a month phone calls to half-brothers and other assorted 'tives.

It was a very hard lesson for me to learn. But, just like training a horse, you have to give your Mom her head. If you try to control EVERYTHING, she'll only become even harder to control.

You're right in pulling the meds. I wouldn't have bothered telling her that I did that -- just another reason for a fight.

Try to keep yourself at the top of the list. Bump your Mom down a level or two. She can take it. You're no good at all for her if you're worn out and exhausted.

Try to keep the confrontations out of the mix. Just don't even bother telling her when you intervene on her behalf. She's not really appreciating it anyways -- is she :rolleyes:

I know what a struggle you've got. And I wish you didn't.

You're gonna have to take better care of yourself in order to have the strength to do what you need to do.

We're all here for you. A lot of us know what it's like to caretaker sick and elderly parents. A lot of know what it's like to watch that freight train of death bearing down on you and you want to stop it and you don't know how and ultimately you can't http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holding-hands.gif

BIG HUGS. Take a nice deep BREATH. Feel the support that's behind you.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/PLANTS/flowers4u.gif

[Buttons2]

Christina,tomorrow will be a better day. Hang in there for YOURSELF. You're doing the best you can. Let some of it go......this time of year is stressful enough right?

If she doesn't ask-then don't tell (brother crying,etc.). Might consider filling her pill container for her though,less contention that way. She's been sober a couple of months now right? I suspect the "dry drunk" syndrome might be rearing up so watch out. You know what I mean right?

HUGS,Buttons

[Ponygirl]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Christina}}}}}}}}}}}}

Phyllis

[houghchrst]

Thank you all. I started crying as I read your posts, with gratitude. Felt the big hugs and the comfort you all offered. Today I had to stop by my mom's to get the list of foods to avoid on her diabetic renal diet and she was up. She says boy you really screwed up my meds for me. Well her doc's office called her this morning and said they would not prescribe any Chantix, until she sees a doc to find out why she has been getting such bad headaches, and no oxycodone. I sent the doc's MA, that I have been in contact with, a note letting her know a little of what was going on and recommended that my mom not get a new scrip for the oxy. Well mom was quite miffed (understatement) but was decent while I was there. We brought her groceries back and she says to my BF, while I am in the kitchen (I am not sure of the point of that unless she was afraid to tell me herself yet still wanted me to know), that she tried to get my brother to get her something to drink last night and he wouldn't do it. GOOD FOR HIM. I am just afraid she will wear him down. She whacked out Sunday night and cussed him up one side and down the other because he wouldn't go. After I heard that last night was when I emailed the MA about the oxy. Today I did email her again and asked that maybe she get some Ultram and maybe something mild for sleep. She was getting 150mg of Desyrel (I think she was supposed to be cutting them in half because they are scored quite deeply but I don't think she was) for sleep and I did some research and for insomnia they recommend 25-75mg. 150 maybe for someone with some serious issues but not a 62 year old alcoholic, diabetic, with stage one renal failure, who doesn't take care of herself and takes Neurontin irregulary for pain. So I made sure she has food for awhile, told her when cable, furniture and internet were all coming, gave her debit card back and left. I am tired. Emotionally exhausted.

The later it gets in the day the more depressed I become because tonight is the local Holiday Walk in our Cultural Center. Everything is free. Museum, Art Institute, Planetarium and Santa will be there with rides and free stuff for the kids to do. Lots of lights. People. We have gone every year for as long as I remember and last year I couldn't go because I had just had surgery and was still in a wheel chair. This year I can't go because my body is failing me. I hurt already from grocery shopping for 2 households. I had help but still. Even if I took something to try to quell the pain I know that after about a half an hour it would be as if I took nothing. Little guy doesn't even know. I never told him. Sadly enough I have learned that there is no sense in causing two heartbreaks. Geez I quit writing a diary, maybe I should start again and give you guys a break. God I hate this, oh crap now I am crying.

[Tootsie]

Christina, please take care of yourself. There is no help, or comfort, you can give to your mother, if you, yourself, are exhausted and worn out, from giving so much of your limited energy, to others.

I had a psychiatric social worker explain that to me many, many years ago. Just reading all the things you have done, makes me tired and want to go sit down. This is such a lovely time of year, it is important to not raise your own expectations of what you can accomplish. Think carefully about how much energy you have, and what is important to you, and the ones you love. Then, decide what you will do, and what you will postpone, or perhaps do next year.


Have you and your brother been associated with Al-Anon? They can help you sort out what you can do for your Mom and what you can't. Cheerio.

[moose53]

((((((Christina)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holdinghands.jpg

Barb

[houghchrst]

Oh God my mother is drinking again. Someone went and got her a bottle of wine. I tried, it is all I could do. I will wait and see. In the meantime I will take care of myself and my family. Thank you all so much for being here.

[joy]

Christina never think that you shouldn't bare your heart here. No one forces us to read anything. We read because we care. I am so sorry that she has gone back to drinking.

I too agree with the others that you must put your own health first. I am 61 myself and it sounds as if your mother just feels onery enough to be in a Pi$$y mood with you - because she knows she can!

Keep thinking of yourself and your immediate family at your home. You have more control there and let's face it, your children deserve and appreciate your efforts more than your mother sounds like.

Like I mentioned, even if your mother wanted too, it sounds as if she is in the habit of being just however she wants to be with you and that's not right. But just because she is not feeling tip top, who IS these days!!! So take care of yourself first and just know that each and every one of us care how things are with you Christina.

many hugs to you

[tic chick]

christina *smallrose,

i am so sorry to read about your problems.

for you:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

take care of yourself.

take care of your children.

let go and let God for the rest.

((((jeannie))))

[houghchrst]

Hi all, Jeannie I really needed that. I sometimes get too far away from what I truly need. I felt a true letting go when I read that.

I have not spoken to my mom since last Tuesday. I was going to write her a letter but kept putting it off and this morning she called me. She asked if I was done being mad and I told her I was never really mad (more hurt and frustrated and grieving than anything, though I did not tell her that, yet) and she said "well I am done being irritated with you" and so it goes between mothers and daughters. We did not discuss why I did what I did, yet. Just trivialities. For now a reconnect. I will no longer push to get her to take care of her medical problems but feel as though I have started a grieving process. I know where her neglect will end up and I live in fear that she will need around the clock care and I will be the one looked to for it and I am in no condition physically or mentally to do so. She knows this but my mother has a bit of a selfish streak not to mention a bit of a martyr complex. I think some of this stems from the need for the attention, her mother was not very affectionate and thought any illness or injury was minor and by no means requiring any sort of sympathy or empathy. I was once accused by the family therapist that we were seeing a while back of having a martyr complex when all I wanted was some behaviors that I saw as wrong changed by my bf. Then in the same meeting the bf was accused of being passive aggressive. Sorry, off topic, just brought back that memory. Anyway, so we will try to work back to where we were but for me things have changed and I will try to explain to her the why of what I did and how I feel. A very hard thing for me to do because I have difficulty with my words and leave things out or say the wrong thing so maybe a letter is necessary anway. Then I can erase and change and add :D. Thank you all for being her for me.

Have a wonderful day!!:)

[moose53]

((((((Christina)))))),

You sound like you're doing better. Nice to see the -->> :D

I like the idea of a letter. My husband and I used to do that. Sometimes when we wanted to discuss something really 'deep' -- you know how hard it is to get it started and then also hard to stay on topic -- well, anyway we'd write about it. That gets the thoughts and the feelings out in the open where it's easier to discuss them.

It's hard to realize that you're going to be responsible for taking care of your parents. My Mom had a real stubborn streak. I can understand sticking to your principles, but, she was just plain STUBBORN (total caps :D ) and feisty. Sometimes you have to just put your foot down and say 'you will not act that way in front of me or I won't visit you anymore'.

It's a hard balancing act -- your parents and your SELF and your kids and your job. I used to say my work got in the way of my life :D

I'm glad you're getting some comfort and support from all of us. It's amazing how similar all of our experiences are, isn't it!!??

Well, you have a good day too. Keep your SELF at the top of the list. Hugs.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HOLIDAYS-XMAS/decorationsmile2.gif

[houghchrst]

BArb I just wanted to say how much your little graphics make me happy. Even when your post is so serious and always eloquent your graphics make me smile. I appreciate them. And so often when I read your posts they have a way of putting into words those things which I think or feel or wish I could have said they make me feel like a bumbling verbal clod LOL. That is a good thing so don't worry about it. You should have been a writer. Or are you in secret lol?! Thank you being here.

[Tootsie]

Christina, while you have an interlude with your Mom, try and think ahead to any possible situations where you will have to become involved, and plan what you will do.

I'm really burned out on the caregiver scene and do have some suggestions.

First of all, decide just what your own situation will allow you to do, and manage, without interfering with things you value. First of all, be realistic about your physical energy. Next evaluate your desire to finally have the relationship with your Mom that we all want, but some never experience. How realistic is it, that she will change?

What are you willing to sacrifice? Time with your bf? Time with your own children? Time for yourself?

My SIL was near nervous exhaustion caring for my MIL. Husband, flew to the east, got his Mom on an airplane, and took her directly to a nursing home where we had made arrangements for her to be admitted when she arrived here. Every Sunday, I made a lovely dinner, china, silver, tea in a pot, etc. Hu. and kids went to the nursing home and brought her to our home for Sunday dinner. She loved it. I could manage. It gave the kids some time with their grandmother.

Three months after she died, my Mom came to live with us. I decided that I would not allow her to interfere with my relationship with my husband, or my children. AND, I would not quit my part time job to take care of her. I found a private adult day care for her while I was at work. As her dementia increased, the children stopped bringing friends home. The woman who owned the day care, moved away when her husband retired. I placed my Mom in a residential care home and still feel guilty occasionally. However, I did what I could in the best way I knew how. That, I know that you can manage also. Cheerio.

[Buttons2]

Christina,having a game plan is a good idea. However,it could be years before your mother needs constant assistance (or then again could happen tomorrow). I suggest you not worry too much about what might be.....deal with the NOW. You're a survivor,whatever comes along you will be able to handle it,have faith in yourself. Meanwhile,let the joy into your own life everyday & take the bad stuff as it comes.

HUGS,Buttons