Diagnosed. Its mild though

[Beany8]

I went to several doctors. My mother tried to disprove the diagnosis inumerable times. They did reassure her, They said I had Savant Syndrome along with mild Aspergers..I think thats what they said...which in essence isnt entirely bad, it has come to my advantage academically. She gets angry at me most of the time because I dont have friends...I like keeping to myself most of the time... people dont really understand me, so I avoid them , I can go on and on about physics but people often stare at me and laugh when I think they are realy interested it always end up being some prank, Ive given up really..I want to make my mother happy, but so many habits get in the way the first time I made myself as the school ( freak) was on a friday in english class, I like to count everything..I just have an urge to, I got in trouble because I was sitting in class and the chair in front of me which was made out of wood had all these repeating patterns on it and I numbered them and my teacher suspended me not only for writing on the chair but because when she took the pen away from me I felt so scared I didnt want to be but I just started uncontrollably crying I dont know why I cried , I really thought the number would disappear, the pattern would go away it was such a horrible moment for me , its like a nightmare... anyway, I got suspended. since then people never talk to me... this guy named Jared put a big piece of wood in my locker and numbered it and in the back it said retard.
Since elementary school I could never understand how to communicate with people successfully and still I have trouble decifering differences between something thats literal and something thats a joke..but according to my pdoc I have dramatically improved beyond his expectations....but I feel just as different as I did then. I want to make my mother happy how can I be more social?

[lisa6wks]

Beany,
I am sorry you feel so bad and it's too bad your mother isn't happier about you. You don't say how old you are, but I am thinking that maybe as you get older you will be out in the world a little more and may meet more people like yourself. You may find it easier to make friends with them.
I know it's hard to be different, especially among kids, but it does tend to get easier as you get older. I am going to let a friend of mine here on the boards know about your posting and hopefully she can get back to you, because I think she might be able to help you feel better about yourself.

Lisa

[Kara]

Bear with me for being long-winded, but this is my first post on the Aspie forum. My therapist has said twice recently she thinks I have Aspergers and I am exploring that possibility with an open mind. She and my husband have made remarks about my problems maintaining appropriate eye contact. I have always been told I don't smile in situations where I should. People have always noticed my rigid posture. (Not entirely fair since I have wide, muscular shoulders for a woman--I love 'em! They make my hips look small!) I apparently lost a job opportunity to a dismally less qualified person because these traits and my to-the-point answers made me seem too nervous to be good at times I would have to deal with customers. She is in my husband's rudimentary skills class for the software involved in the job and I have been at this for 10 years! (Apparently she is bilingual--EXTREMELY important in Las Cruces, NM, as we are practically a border town. That may have also played a factor, so I should't be too hard on myself.) I am currently unemployed and have never been in a situation like this before. It is depressing.

Anyway, to the Jr. High/High school issues: I can certainly relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have had a lot of similar problems. I am 36, but the verbal abuse and ridicule I endured at the hands of my mother, some teachers and my peers from early childhood through high school are with me still. And I don't know how much of my personality disorder is due to Asperger's, how much it is my ADHD and how much can be attributed to the early abuse activating or mimicking certain Aspie traits.

I, too, did not have many friends. I was hyperactive, spoke in a rapid monotone, had anxiety, trouble concentrating and doing my classwork and have always had pretty poor handwriting. Also the sleep problems, which may contribute to the symptoms. Took things too literally. Clumsy. Could seem arrogant because I was so detached-acting. This got worse when I got out of my awkward, homely stage and became a pretty girl. That made me a snobby b*tch, to those who weren't already onto the fact I was a "dork." I was a fairly nice person to people who had any chance to get to know me and had a few friends over the years, but several retracted their friendships when they realized I was "uncool."

I had one teacher in Jr. high ridicule me in class because of my compulsion to chew the tops of my pens to a pulp during class. A teacher in high school came up to me once and ripped a pen out of my hand because I always had the compulsion to doodle during lectures. She kept telling me in front of the class to come back from Never-never Land.

My advice:

1) Do good deeds to show people you are a good person. Like I saw a girl in 8th grade before class on crutches trying to carry her books, so I walked up and offered to carry them for her. We became friends. She was economically-challenged and not popular either, but we could relate to each other.

2) Remember there is strength in numbers: You are less likely to be picked on if you have a group. Even if this group is considered the "dorks" or "nerds." There is strength in numbers. When I tried to detach myself from these people and stand alone, groups of kids would come up to me and make fun of me. Not so if you have others around you. And if they make fun of your group, it is less personal.

3) Join a school group you fit into. For me, it was band. (Granted, I had it easier than most, after a traumatic Jr. high couple of years, because a geeky, but acceptable Junior took to my aloof but attractive self immediately in summer band camp the beginning of my freshman year and didn't care what mean-spirited things one or two underclassmen chose to impart about me. Having him walking me to class kept others from picking on me.)

4) Get a make-over (clothes, hair, etc) to look like you fit in better.

5) Even though you may take things too literally at times, you will gradually learn not to as much. Also accept that your sense of humor may be completely different then many others and that's why you're not getting the "jokes." People who "get me" are always remarking upon my wonderful sense of humor. I'm hearing more and more remarks about that and getting a lot more laughs when I INTEND to, as an adult. The people you are around simply aren't mature enough yet. They have some developing of their own to do.

6) Recognize that this is not all about you. Your mother, teachers, peers have their own issues. Sometimes they take them out on you or give you a hard time so they can feel superior and better about their own shortcomings. People have put them down, they have their own hurts and insecurities, and they are often going through or have gone through some sort of stress or trauma. I guarantee it. Emotionally-healthy people are pretty much accepting of everyone (except perhaps serial killers). Feel sorry for these people. Also realize there is the group mentality, if you are being ganged up on. Most of these people will turn out to be quite nice people one-on-one and stop picking on you once they get to know you a little better. They may even stand up for you.

7) (Wish I had learned this skill.) When people come to ridicule you, if you have the opportunity, change the subject. Yes, you are standing by yourself reading a novel when they come to pick on you. Tell them about the novel and ask what they like to read, who did they get for homeroom this year. Makes you more human. Like when a couple of girls came to pick on me in 8th grade and the mean one made some comment about a party on December 17th I hadn't been invited to. The other girl said that was her birthday and I told her mine was just 3 days later. We related on that one small point and she was nice to me from then on. A good example of what I described in the last couple of sentences of (6.

8) Look at what is in your diet, if you are having sleep problems and experiment with avoiding foods such as wheat and dairy. That was an issue for me, anyway, and it can make you spacy and bring out the worst in your traits.

9) If you have a community college, look into the Toastmasters organization and join an evening Speechcraft class. It doesn't cost that much and they make a huge, huge, effort to help build up your self-esteem as they teach you to make speeches. After my rejection for the last job in town I interviewed for, I decided to take it, and it is really helping me so far. They accept teens in the classes. You may have to get parental permission, but I'm sure your mother will be proud of you for working on improving yourself.

10) Know that it WILL get better. I know this is your reality now, but you will have a normal adult life. It gets better in college because the ones who make it that far are a lot of times also eccentric or unique, not just stereotypes. A lot of Aspies are gifted and make it far in life. (I was reading and composing music at age 4 and have perfect pitch.) You WILL find a spouse or partner and a fulfilling career. Keep telling yourself that as you get through these awkward times. I wish I could go back in time and tell my teen self that I was developmentally delayed but that I would gradually gain a lot of people skills and overcome many of the negative traits, have a lot of friends, get a Masters degree and a wonderful husband of 10 years.

Wow! I think this is my most long-winded BrainTalk post ever! Something I feel very passionate about. Now that I know this is an issue, I will work on myself some more, like with the eye contact. Maybe that next job is just around the corner!

A work-in-progress,
Kara

[Kara]

If you're still out there, hope things have improved and I hope my advice and experience is valuable to any teens out there who may be checking this out and going through similar experiences as I did.

Unfortunately, this does not appear to be a very active site. Aspergers still really isn't on the radar. Seems you're either diagnosed ADHD or autistic, but they don't consider the spectrum.

[Lynn Grant]

Kara: Thanks for your long, but heart-felt message. I have a son who has just been given the diagnosis Aspergers Syndrome. While I think it can be a good way to help him frame/explain some of the issues he has dealt with all of his life, I worry that he will read it more as a prescriptive model than as a description of things he can possibly work on. Do you know of any web sites for Asperger types out there. My son is 20.
Lyn

[Kara]

I am still researching that. Check back soon and I may have some answers/forums/informational websites. I am reading a book my therapist gave me right now called The Gifts of Asperger, by John M. Ortiz. It frames the syndrome in a very positive light and is a self-esteem builder rather than a downer, from what I've read so far. It highlights some of the savant characteristics--the positive aspects and special gifts, like perfect pitch, reading at age 4, etc. It addresses a broad range of people, from children to adults, gives a lot of case studies and examples and I think it might be a positive source of information. There are also coping mechanisms and a lot of useful advice. I think your son should read it, or you should, for some insight.

You really do learn coping mechanisms that become second nature after awhile, as you mature, and if you have the extra resources, you will be able to develop and retrain your brain all the more sooner. It can be done, if you have mild to moderate Aspergers. I'll be back with you in a couple of days. I am unfortunately still unemployed at the time, with no kids, so I have some free time, when I am not job hunting! So I am doing a little personal research (such as, what is the correlation between ADHD and Asperger's? I have responded quite well to the ADHD medication, so I'm pretty sure I have that. I am not ruling out Asperger's as a co-morbid condition, but I would like to know if there is a relationship).

All right--enough rambling--I type very rapidly and can get carried away! Will be back in touch. I would love to see this forum become more active.

Warm thoughts and regards,
Kara