Digging up bones

[Fayelle]

I guess it is official I am in the process of digging up the lovely happening's of my less than ideal childhood.....

Why?

Because in learning how my current behavior is effecting my relationships it is becoming clear that I have to change my thinking in order to function in ways that are not dysfunctional.....

As Randy Travis would say I am exhuming things better left alone.....I wish they could remain in the grave I thought I buried them in.....I do not feel sorry for myself, I am not mourning anything anymore, I am simply irritated and annoyed that I continue to pay for what was done TO me, not by me.....It is terribly frustrating that the sins of those before me are my cross....As I have started to climb out of self created prison things are sneaking up that I thought I left behind.....I had gotten my head around not being responsible for the past but for the present and future, I had gotten my head around being one of MANY with my past and that it was useless to be angry, or sad about it.

I understand I am not a victim but a survivor, my head was around these things and clear to me.....I felt comfortable with the fact that these things happened and there is nothing I can do about the fact that they happened....So now here comes the kicker, its not over.....It is under there trying to say hello to me when I am at my best time of ignorance and bliss....

Better even I have to admit that my hypervigilance in my sleep is a potentially big portion of my health problems, lack of sleep what a concept.....Additionally my sleep issues have increased with realization that its not over......My weight has come to light as a symptom of my past, a desire to be heavy in order to be ugly....Funny its not working my husband still finds me irresistable go figure.....Plus its a protection, a way to protect the inside from trauma.....I am guessing that as soon as I start to peel away the layers of crud inside my psyche that the weight will start layering off as well.....Of course then there is the issue of food always loving me, it gives me the boost I feel I need, it never tells me I am wrong, it never disagree's with me....Food is my best friend and always has been until now since it is ruining my health.....

On a plus note crisis is not as easily created these days.....I am going through some pretty rough feelings but am not going into crisis mode....Good job eh? Yeah except the catch 22 on that one is that my brain has decided since I am not going into crisis its time to allow more and more into the things it has protected me from.....Even better than that I am seeing the forms of dissociation that I live in.....I compartmentalize everything, its a switch....I turn it off and on so easily, I am greatly skilled at living as a compartmentalized person.....The question becomes do I want to change that?

I am afraid of losing my hypervigilance though because I love the fact that my senses are so acute....That I can smell dirt, I can feel barometric changes, I can sense EMF fields....I hear every little sound, and temperature change....I think I built a 6th sense out of necessity, but its wearing me out....however if I lose the ability to sense so many things it will put a damper on my life.....I am a paranormal investigator, so obviously when I can sense things it makes me more adept at investigations......So I have to decide on what balance makes sense and what I want out of this life.....Do I continue to destroy my physiological self with the desire to be sensitive? Or do I become healthier and lose a great part of my sense of self?

This sensitive me has been my identity since childhood, 30 out of my 34 years at least....Do I want to lose that? Is there a way to be that person but live healthier also? I like knowing who did it in movies the first time I see the actor.....I like knowing things that are not so clear....Its a close bond with my surroundings, a clear stamp of who I am now....I am terrified of losing the ability to sense these things.....It feels like being slowly crushed to death even though I have a clear path out from under the wall that is crushing me.....Do I allow myself to escape handicapped because I had to leave one limb behind and take the path that is clearly the safer choice? Or do I take the slow crushing in order to stay whole because I like that limb so much....

Choices, choices......

Perhaps a compromise will arrive with the information my psyche is releasing....Maybe just maybe I have finessed this 6th sense enough that even if I learn to control my behavior's and midsets and become healthier I wont lose that in the process....

Fay

[CanRelate]

Fayelle:

I am speaking from personal experience and years of therapy...

I too got my "head" around different experiences in my past (beginning at 4.5 years...) Had my head around them most of my life...never repressed. Just had the "laundry list" of the incident(s) when I spoke of them....

Trouble is, emotions CANNOT be released by intellectualizing. Release comes from expression. And when we no longer have those things trapped in our bodies, we free up SO MUCH ENERGY..psychic and otherwise....so we can use it for what we wish to use it.

As a person adept at numbing emotion, I numbed/dulled scensory input too...sense of smell was dull or even gone off and on; I KNEW I was sad, angry, etc., but didNOT FEEL it.... I had a startle reflex I could not tame, even though I knew there was no threat BEFORE the reflex became full blown.

So what did I do.....had a few sessions of EMDR. EMDR is a method of releasing emotions/traumas from or BODIES..which is where we hold them. It stands for "eye movement desensitization response". It was developed by a woman named Frances Shapiro. One must be trained in it to do it properly/effectively. You can google her name and EMDR and you should get back an organization which handles certification/credentialing of EMDR trained professionals.

My clinician was an experienced Psych MD, who had special interest in those with early trauma is his regular practice. He was/is employed by the State, so he had clients without those issues as well. He was a second level trained EMDR professional, and trained other clinicians in the method. EMDR is especially effective in releasing these incidents from a time in our lives where we were limited/non-verbal, or like in my case bombarded with a mountainous wave of emotion I had no name for, and should not have been exposed to at that age, and additionally had no help nor role model with those emotions. Colored my responses to life for the next 40 plus years......:(

So, five years ago I had EMDR. I had around 3 sessions. My focus was that first experience. I chose to work there as I felt that was the root of how/why I responded to later situations the way I did. My startle reflex decreased and is NOW GONE TOTALLY! I *feel* my emotions (thereby NOT stockpiling them unexpressed or unexperienced), and so my emotional responses to present things is just that.....responses to NOW, and not "nuking" someone who happens to do something that triggers a lifetime of similiar emotion.

I lose sense of smell MUCH less than ever (anything now is probably from other things going on in my brain....which we are continuing to investigate).

I still have my radar....it's just not ruling my life when it is being triggered *falsely*. I still "feel" others emotions, but when I do, I have more protective boundaries so I can tell the difference. Between EMDR and DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (Marsh Linnehan)), I can easily NAME the emotion, process it, not stockpile it, and continue living my life...more connected than ever. I'm still working on the vulnerability issues in relationships:rolleyes: although I am much more aware of what is being triggered there, and I can CHOOSE to work through it...rather than retreating/freezing as I did in the past.

So, in summary: gotta feel it to release it (get beyond it); you will likely sharpen your psychic skills since you can put this energy now wasted on emotions unprocessed; you can't process emotions intellectually -- doesn't free you.

As a psychic you are hyper-aware. Hyper-vigilent is being on "red alert" all the time. Think of how much more hyper-aware you could be with the release of the wasted "high alert all the time" energies.

Before EMDR, clients must have coping skills to stay safe....to ride out the emotions that could be very intense/scary to them. That scariness/disruption IS short lived. But you have to feel it. I predict if you allow feeling, you will see that the worst of the crying/shakiness/whatever lasts about 10 or 15 minutes at a time at the intense level. You know how some people hold tears and sobs in...? If they'd experience them, the worst would be over that fast. And the next time, would be a little less powerful/overwhelming......and of course, EXPRESSED keeps them from being stockpiled and gaining the power to intrude in one's life in all the disruptive ways it can.

Just my experience....and I am sorry that typing a more descriptive reply is beyond what I have time for.... Plus reading up on EMDR will give you more of the background on how it is done/how it works.

If you have any specific questions, feel free to post or PM me, Fayelle...

Warm regards,
CanRelate


I guess it is official I am in the process of digging up the lovely happening's of my less than ideal childhood.....

Why?

Because in learning how my current behavior is effecting my relationships it is becoming clear that I have to change my thinking in order to function in ways that are not dysfunctional.....

As Randy Travis would say I am exhuming things better left alone.....I wish they could remain in the grave I thought I buried them in.....I do not feel sorry for myself, I am not mourning anything anymore, I am simply irritated and annoyed that I continue to pay for what was done TO me, not by me.....It is terribly frustrating that the sins of those before me are my cross....As I have started to climb out of self created prison things are sneaking up that I thought I left behind.....I had gotten my head around not being responsible for the past but for the present and future, I had gotten my head around being one of MANY with my past and that it was useless to be angry, or sad about it.

I understand I am not a victim but a survivor, my head was around these things and clear to me.....I felt comfortable with the fact that these things happened and there is nothing I can do about the fact that they happened....So now here comes the kicker, its not over.....It is under there trying to say hello to me when I am at my best time of ignorance and bliss....

Better even I have to admit that my hypervigilance in my sleep is a potentially big portion of my health problems, lack of sleep what a concept.....Additionally my sleep issues have increased with realization that its not over......My weight has come to light as a symptom of my past, a desire to be heavy in order to be ugly....Funny its not working my husband still finds me irresistable go figure.....Plus its a protection, a way to protect the inside from trauma.....I am guessing that as soon as I start to peel away the layers of crud inside my psyche that the weight will start layering off as well.....Of course then there is the issue of food always loving me, it gives me the boost I feel I need, it never tells me I am wrong, it never disagree's with me....Food is my best friend and always has been until now since it is ruining my health.....

On a plus note crisis is not as easily created these days.....I am going through some pretty rough feelings but am not going into crisis mode....Good job eh? Yeah except the catch 22 on that one is that my brain has decided since I am not going into crisis its time to allow more and more into the things it has protected me from.....Even better than that I am seeing the forms of dissociation that I live in.....I compartmentalize everything, its a switch....I turn it off and on so easily, I am greatly skilled at living as a compartmentalized person.....The question becomes do I want to change that?

I am afraid of losing my hypervigilance though because I love the fact that my senses are so acute....That I can smell dirt, I can feel barometric changes, I can sense EMF fields....I hear every little sound, and temperature change....I think I built a 6th sense out of necessity, but its wearing me out....however if I lose the ability to sense so many things it will put a damper on my life.....I am a paranormal investigator, so obviously when I can sense things it makes me more adept at investigations......So I have to decide on what balance makes sense and what I want out of this life.....Do I continue to destroy my physiological self with the desire to be sensitive? Or do I become healthier and lose a great part of my sense of self?

This sensitive me has been my identity since childhood, 30 out of my 34 years at least....Do I want to lose that? Is there a way to be that person but live healthier also? I like knowing who did it in movies the first time I see the actor.....I like knowing things that are not so clear....Its a close bond with my surroundings, a clear stamp of who I am now....I am terrified of losing the ability to sense these things.....It feels like being slowly crushed to death even though I have a clear path out from under the wall that is crushing me.....Do I allow myself to escape handicapped because I had to leave one limb behind and take the path that is clearly the safer choice? Or do I take the slow crushing in order to stay whole because I like that limb so much....

Choices, choices......

Perhaps a compromise will arrive with the information my psyche is releasing....Maybe just maybe I have finessed this 6th sense enough that even if I learn to control my behavior's and midsets and become healthier I wont lose that in the process....

Fay

[Fayelle]

Hi Canrelate,

Thank you for your response it makes a lot of sense and does give a new perspective on the issue....I honestly did not consider it this way with my fears in the way.....

It makes sense to think it would free up a lot of overused energy and probably make me more capable of releasing the outside energies I pick up as well because I could be more adept at releasing negative energy anyway....I always had the feeling that those of us with these issues were "sensitive" since we had to be in order to read the situation and moment correctly to survive.....

I suppose in a way I was trying to talk myself out of the idea of dealing with the repression, and the negative memories.....

Recently I looked into PTSD, there has always been that thought in the back of my mind that it was part of my issue....When looking into PTSD I read about the EMDR but had not had time to properly research it.....I am happy to hear it was effective for you....I am simply not versed enough in the technique to make a decision on it as of yet. There is also the concern of finding someone in my area qualified and who I could possibly trust to treat me......

It is interesting how much I do intellectualize things rather than feel them....It is also interesting how easily I can turn off emotion and numb in order to survive the moment.....Thank you for sharing these things with me I appreciate it, and now have another perspective to look at this with.....Even if it causes my reasoning to be invalid so I cannot use it as an excuse to continue to run from the process.....

:D

Fay

[CanRelate]

Fay:

To clarify...your reasoning wasn't invalid...it came from a stance of self-protection and self-survival. It was simply not "informed" in a full way.... and you are right, once informed, it can be hard (thankfully) to hold on to the misconception since it is ultimately taking full life from us. The self-protection actions/beliefs actually ultimately keep us from healing and "kill" out spirit and possibility. Sorry, couldn't think of a better word...yet perhaps it is the right one. Blocking healing in the long run is the opposite of self-proection in the long run. (those actions DID serve a purpose earlier on however....just not advancement in healing....)

I am 46, and just in the last few years (despite years of therapy...(the wrong type for me to progress, I guess:rolleyes: ) have I been able to learn and consider the things I am saying to you; and only in the last few years made actual progress by believing and doing these new more helpful things. DBT and EMDR).

In truth, my EMDR guy was kind of "ham-handed" in his chair-side manner when I saw him for meds.... I told my therapist this:p , and he did not disagree...even by the expression on his face:D !!! I did respect the doc as knowledgeable, just lacking some social skills and awareness;) .

When it came to EMDR, it was clear doc knew his stuff, both from his certifications in it (I independently looked it up...), and from his approach in the sessions. I had my therapist sit in on the EMDR. I did this because he asked (My treatment site is associated with Harvard Medical School so alot of teaching happens there...). I also totally feel comfortable and helped in healing by working with my T. The unconsidered benefit to me for doing this was I DID NOT HAVE TO HASH THESE DETAILS IN THERAPY!!! It provided T with a detailed short course in the DETAILS of my life re: these incidents. That left us to concentrate on the effects and the unexpressed emotions around these things, and the enduring effect on my choices and actions (and nonactions) throughout my life. Also, having 3 of us there made the vulnerability of the treatment NOT be an impediment to me fully participating. My T just listened and observed; and for me having him there was reassuring in some way.

I wish you continued awareness and healing...from whatever method. I hope you receive the gift of your full possibility and enjoyment of life by doing the hard stuff.....

Warm regards,
CanRelate