not doing so well

[mama sue]

Hey friends~
I don't really know what to say here except that I really need you. I am not doing well physically due to my emotions. I am vomitting and have had upset tummy if you know what I mean.....for several days. I feel like my world is unraveling around me. I'm doing things COMPLETELY out of character for me. I feel like I'm about to explode. I can't work, I can't sleep. Today I sat in the middle of my bed and was looking at Bobs picture and just started yelling at him. Like he could hear me!! I'm scared, I miss home and I'm..........well, I don't know what I am. Thanks for the ear.

{{{HUGS}}}
Sue

[moose53]

((((((Mama Sue)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/huggiebears-mini.gif

I was wondering when that was going to come -- the anger.

The last time that you wrote, you were talking about missing Bob and remembering... It sounded like you weren't remembering reality :(

You were separated because you weren't safe with him. Turns out he wasn't safe with himself either :(

Sue, you've got every right to be mad. The way that Bob committed suicide was the ultimate *** kick for you. I'm glad you realize that and are getting mad about it.

You've get to FEEL all of those feelings, Sue. It's OK to FEEL all of them. When we FEEL anger and love and hurt and all of those emotions toward someone, we can't hurt them -- they're just feelings. They're a connection and a communication pathway to our minds and to our hearts.

I'll just bet that there is a small part of you that FEELS *guilty* for feeling angry :rolleyes: You wouldn't be human if there weren't. I'll bet that that's where the nausea and the upset stomach are coming from -- you're holding back a tiny bit of guilt. Afraid to express it. Afraid to let it go. Afraid to bring it out into the light of day.

Picture this, Sue, put your hands out in front of you as though you were pushing someone to get them to move along. You see what that feels like in your body as the one doing the pushing and as the one being pushed??

Now, do it the other way. Put your hands in front of you and try to hold someone back and prevent them from doing or saying something. Those hands are gonna land right on the stomach. When you grab someone to hold them back, that's exactly where you grab them -- in the stomach area.

That's what you're doing to yourself. Holding yourself back with those hands. You're like every single woman who's ever been born since the creation of time -- you were taught not to get angry, to 'be a lady', to be the 'strong one' ... I could go on for paragraphs.

Try this. Sit on the floor with a glass of water and a box of handkerchiefs. A soft pillow. A warm blanket. Push your back up against the wall. That strength that you feel at your back is *YOU* -- you are strong because you've dived down into hell and come back again. That strength is *US* supporting you and holding you up and loving you while you take another dive down into hell.

I want you to breathe REALLY DEEP. Fill those beautiful lungs that G-d gave you with as much air as you can get in there. Breathe. In and out. And FEEL. Breathe in and out and FEEL.

BREATHE until you CRY.

Sue, everything that you're beginning to feel now is OK. It's OK to be mad at Bob. He did a really stupid thing. It's OK to hate him. Because the **LOVE** is still there. You're gonna remember what it was like to lose your boys because every loss takes us back to the beginning.

Everything that you're feeling is OK. You're not going to collapse. Not going to have a nervous breakdown. If your tummy is still bothering you, either get some Gaviscon at the pharmacy or ask your doctor for the Purple Pill for awhile 'til you get your balance back.

What's going to be on the other side of all these tears and all of this pain and all of this anger is LOVE. Love for Bob, love for your boys and memories. Beautiful, sweet, healing memories.

The only things that you have to give up are the pain and the anger. The only way to give those up is to FEEL them.

Be good to yourself. Drink your tea out of pretty cups. Buy yourself flowers. Buy yourself the best steak for dinner than you can afford.

The sad thing about the suicides, honey, is they don't think about or even realize how much damage that they will leave behind. They are so wounded and traumatized that they just want to get away from the pain. They don't have the strength that you or I have to walk THROUGH the pain. They don't believe that the pain will ever end. We know otherwise.

When we lose something so precious to us ... like your Boys and like your Husband and like my Brother, we learn HOW to walk THROUGH the pain because we want the memories that are on the other side and we want them uncontaminated by pain and by hurt.

Mama, we are WITH YOU. Every time you sit with the wall at your back, that wall is YOUR STRENGTH and OUR STRENGTH combining to bring you to the other side.

Hang on tight and feel the love and the prayers and healing wishes that surround you, Mama. Bless you. BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

[mama sue]

What an amazing friend you are. I read and re-read your words and it touched me so. I think you are exactly right in saying that in order to get through the feelings of anger and such, I need to feel them. Well, I'm feeling them and NOT liking it so much. Yes, I felt guilty for being so mad, but it also was a good release.

I will think of you all holding me up when I sit with the wall to my back. Knowing that there are others who have walked this road and have made it through. I appreciate the words of comfort and I think it has given me a different perspective. Thanks!

Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain. Thank you that I can be honest here about where I'm at and what I'm feeling. I know noone grieves in the same manner, but we are all in the same boat and need to keep rowing when others arms are too sore to keep going. To rebuild our strength we must rely on our teammates. Thank you for allowing me my time of "resting my arms". I pray that someday I will have enough strength to give to another what you have given me.

Bless you Barb.

Sue

[moose53]

Thanks, ((((((Sue)))))).

I appreciate the kind words.

That's all any of us who've been hurt so badly can do -- pass on the healing and the hope.

There's no reason for what any of us have gone through that have lost someone that means the world to us -- whether by suicide or by illness or by accident.

The people that have helped me along the way, that have guided my steps, that have helped me hang onto my sanity -- they gave me incredible gifts that no money in the world could ever purchase.

I hate that any of us have to lose someone to suicide. It's so cruel and so meaningless and causes so much damage. I've learned by being on both sides of suicide how much my Brother hurt and how much your husband probably hurt. There's a place in my heart that finally can forgive my Brother. I know that you'll find that place in your heart, too, for Bob.

I can feel you leaning against me. I'm glad that I can share my hard-won strength with you.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holding-hands.gif

[mama sue]

{{{HUGS}}} and love right back atcha :)

[Buttons2]

Sue, I think you're doing just fine. You're going through the necessary steps for healing. I've probably mentioned this before but it took me 2 YEARS to release the anger @ my BIL!! I recall being in the woods & throwing stuff,punching on big cedar trees,just yelling my head off. Getting some of the poison out. Ranting and raving about how could he do this,how could he leave those beautiful children without their father. I'm recalling this after 20 years!

Then I was able to forgive.

We all know each suicide is different,and everyone will react differently. Never feel like your reactions are not "right". There is no right.

I'm sorry I haven't been near my computer the past few days,I always think of you & pray for you however. Barb has alot of wisdom.....

Maybe you should keep a journal. Even these posts are something you can go back & read. You'll recognize how much you've gone through these past 2+ months.

Let it out dear,we won't be shocked by anything you do. Break some dishes! Anything to literally release the knot in your stomach.Get a dart board.Blow up balloons until you're exhausted.

Heck I'm angry at Bob too & I didn't even know the man! And never doubt that you did the right thing when you moved! Don't be second guessing your actions regarding that. We encouraged you to leave. Your OWN life was at stake. You're far too precious of a human being to let HIS actions ruin your life. He was very determined,and he finally succeeded. There was nothing you could have done to save him from his own demons.

You feel betrayed,as well you should. Life will get better for you. You deserve the very best as far as I'm concerned.

HUGS,Buttons

[JAVISI]

Mama,
I have missed you soo much. You are like my family. I have been off line so long but I have NOT forgotten you. I hold you dear to my heart! I have been sick for about 2 months withj micro pneumonias, and then a bowel obstruction. I was released from the hospital ob Saturday. I am now facing the prospect of a colostomy. I am not venting I guess I just wanted you to know that I have never forgotten you and that you deserve a reason why I have been gone!

Much Love, Javisi

[Buttons2]

Sue, how are you doing now? I know we all get concerned when we don't hear from you,but on the other hand it's probably good to take a break from this forum huh?

Just want to let you know I always think of you. You are a true survivor!

HUGS Buttons