My darling troublemaker ruined my day!!

[LIZARD]

Ok, collect yourself, post about Drew, GLAD you got a giggle!

I'm starting to become on edge around this time now because of a call I got yesterday to pick Drew up. (There have been others that have informed me of inappropriate behavior, but this was the first time I was actually told to go get him.)

Apparently, as the story goes, Steve (teacher) had isolated a student in an adjoining room when he became disruptive and upset over something. The door was left ajar, and Drew insisted on closing it (as he always does to me when I'm sitting on my bed, as I am now). Steve said, "No, he has to calm down first. Please leave the door open so I can watch him." Drew protested, and when Steve repeated, Drew screamed and took a swing at him. It apparently took Drew several minutes to calm down, and Steve said he thought Drew needed to come home.

Of course, I was highly annoyed, having had several things I needed to do that day, and now I had to look after him, too--and make sure he stayed away from the computer and Xbox. :rolleyes: By the end of the day, I was ready to slit my wrists! :o :rolleyes: (Of course, he had no therapist yesterday, either.)

Steve and I talked about all of this yesterday, when I got to the school, and I impressed upon him that Drew will likely use being sent home as an excuse to continue to defy authority, even with consquences, as he knows he will then be able to escape their demands, so we'll have to find another course of action for future incidents. That's what we're going to discuss when Liz (therapist) comes today.

SSsssssiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh.....:o :(

LIZARD :o

[Braindrain]

Steve and I talked about all of this yesterday, when I got to the school, and I impressed upon him that Drew will likely use being sent home as an excuse to continue to defy authority, even with consquences, as he knows he will then be able to escape their demands, so we'll have to find another course of action for future incidents. That's what we're going to discuss when Liz (therapist) comes today.

SSsssssiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh.....:o :(

LIZARD :o

That's a very good point and it's something that needs to be addressed very
quickly, so that Drew knows he can't get out of doing something-or, not doing
something-just because he disagrees with it. I wish I had some advice for
you.:(

Good luck!:)

[Mother's Heart]

I dont' understand why he thought Drew needed to come home. He'd already calmed down...right? I think they needed to deal with it on site....even if it required your presence, or a therapist's/other's to resolve it....they need to get that BIP in place and operating.

(I don't know if you already have a BIP, but if he doesn't yet I'd say it's time for the FBA/BIP with the recent increase in incidents. If he does and it's not got anything in it that addresses what to do in the current situations then it needs updating. ANNNNNNNNNNND<<<<I can't leave without saying: rrrrrrrrugh! the teacher probably drove Drew to the final act by the way he dealt with the situation. The teacher may or may not have had a viable alternative, but I find most often it is the frustrating way the adult insists on a behaviour the child is set on doing that leads the child to a desperate way (action) of communicating how desperately he NEEDS to do something (close that door) i know how desperately doors can need closing...I'm glad those days are fading for us.

Not to say it's right for the child to be so rigid...that's the autism hallmark at play....and the child needs to become more flexible...but you don't teach him to be more flexible by hitting upside the head with an inflexible object....gotta take it in steps.

[LIZARD]

they need to get that BIP in place and operating.

Behavioral Intervention Plan? I don't know if they have one at school, honestly, and we're constantly having to change the one here at home, since his behavior has changed a fair amount recently. Liz and I will discuss it today.

LIZARD, so glad he's at school today!!!!!!!! :D

[milivica]

Let me reword this, I want to make sure I got it...

You had to pick up Drew yesterday, and on top of that, you are already getting reports of 'bad behavior', which make you feel pressured or expected to make Drew behave at school....magically through your invisible umbilical chord.

Steve did not give Drew any guidance as to how to suppress or cope or self regulate so as not blow, but after he does, oh yeah also no guidance Drew just must calm down. So Steve can call you and Drew can get sent home, so you get to do Steve's job that day.

If Drew were actually able to cope and self regulate without competent guidance, he wouldn't have gotten sent home. But he can't.

You're concerned Drew will use being sent home as an excuse to continue to be sent home. If Drew's program at school sets him up to feel and be successful, he won't. Drew might choose failure (which he can succeed at) and being sent home, over the anxiety of what he'll screw up next at school, again and again.

Drew does not intrinsically grasp that sense of 'heirarchy' or master/apprentice, that non-autistic students automatically gain and have, that allows them to 'know' or 'feel' that you listen to the teacher. It can appear as disrespect, it is not. You have to understand, to respect.

Drew did not blindly comply, is not all other no self, he asserts his wants and needs, though not necessarily with consideration for the wants and needs of another which he cannot do, if he cannot borrow their perspective. But he is not non-compliant just because he did not comply. Not BLINDLY complying, is not non-compliance. Especially when you are asked to do so as often as asd's are, asserting your will when what another person asks of you doesn't make sense to you, is like keeping your very soul in tact.

Though Drew understood the 'words' do not close the door, he did not understand the heirarchy of teacher/student, so it made no sense. Understanding words are only a part of communication. KUDOS to Drew for not blindly complying.

I have a 'Drew' myself, Vincent, I know it's exhausting! But do you don't want a complaint 'robot' all the time, not even some of the time? Ok one time is nice once in a while, hee hee.

There are hallways or drinking fountains in Drew's school, where Steve or other staff could take a stroll with Drew, to not have the door ajar right in his face. The option chosen though, was Drew having to suppress. If there is not enough staff to do that, it is not Drew's fault.

As parents and disciplinarians, it is easy to see the teacher's side for most things. Personally, I don't understand what the heck the teacher was thinking. Would it have been so hard to take Drew for a drink or walk or something so the door that was ajar, wasn't in his face? If it were that easy for Drew to 'obey' and 'behave', he WOULD. Who the heck wants to feel like a failure, not Drew, not anyone.

Drew does not have a choice about how intensely he felt about closing that door. Steve has plentiful choices as to how to guide Drew other than repeating words that already didn't work, and expecting him to blindly obey and suppress.

The whole FBA/BIP thing is great, legally they have do to an FBA every 3 years, far too little, but that's the law. From an FBA a BIP is created, though I think they should be created for STAFF, more so than students, Steve's could read, "do not frustrate or overwhelm Drew to the point that he takes a swing at you".

If Drew had the ability to self regulate enough not to become so frustrated, what the heck would he need 'Steve' for? Steve may be a nice guy, may not, I dunno. He doesn't understand what an autistic mind works like inside, is deeming a behavior as 'bad' rather than as 'communication' and you might be as well. But you are his mom, not his teacher, you never claimed to understand behaviors. You are not working with other people's kids all day, claiming to understand their behaviors.

Drew could not meet him half way, and make himself cope with the door being ajar, if he could have, he would have. Do not identify with 'Steve', he has your child part time, is a revolving door in Drew's life that will be gone forever in a short time. He is there to provide FAPE to your child, is he doing that? Drew is there to be a student with autism receiving FAPE, is he getting that? Did he even one time suggest that he the adult, he the teacher, should have handled something differently - if not that's a big red flag. One I ignored too long.

There's a good chance I'm not accurate here, because of my recent realization of how many times I could borrow the TEACHER'S perspective, and no my own son's. If you're doing that, stop it. It hurts to be on different sides than your kid anyway - even if you agree with school, it's always you and Drew on one side, school on the other. Rather than what Drew could have done differently had he forced himself to blindly comply and stuff his frustrations (which was his only choice at the time and would lead to self abuse, trust me) what could STEVE have done differently. Or is Steve a one size fits all kind of guy, teacher says don't close the door and that's law, no other solutions or options.

I'll tell ya what Steve needs to do for starters, develop a healthy master/apprentice relationship with Drew. If he had it, Drew would be able to listen. Might be nice if Steve could think of more than one option...obey me period is a bit narrow. Again, I'm not ranking on Steve, but I am saying he set Drew up to fail, even if unintentionally. Drew was set up.

I hope that didn't make you mad at me, it's how I'm seeing this. I see Drew 'alone' at school, and 'alone' again at home on this issue. Having been a doormat most of my life, I'm proud of Drew for not blindly complying, selling out, losing his soul bit by bit. That's what blind compliance does. Remember Helen Keller's teacher saying "obedience without understanding is nothing." Same thing. Sadly, so often us parents feel the only solutions are getting our kid to listen and obey - and they would if they COULD, we forget that. At least I had for some time.

The harder I tried to shorten this, the longer it got...sorry bout that.

[Mother's Heart]

Drew has an IEP, right?

btw: what I STARTED to post when I went off talking about adults and flexibility nd all was that the BIP should be set up to address how the TEACHERS/STaff deal wtih behviours and I really think it would be a good thing to ask (gently/firmly insist) the school provide some inservice or outside training for the faculty/staff.

[tgrimes]

Steve and I talked about all of this yesterday, when I got to the school, and I impressed upon him that Drew will likely use being sent home as an excuse to continue to defy authority, even with consquences, as he knows he will then be able to escape their demands, so we'll have to find another course of action for future incidents. That's what we're going to discuss when Liz (therapist) comes today.

SSsssssiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh.....:o :(

LIZARD :o

Good going, thinking of that now, because it could get to the point where it happens so often you wonder if he really can't handle the situation or the teacher can't.

[LIZARD]

Drew has an IEP, right?

Yep. :)


LIZARD :)

[milivica]

Remember my slogan (I really need a bumper sticker)

As long as my child has an IEP, I'll never need toilet paper.

[Isabelle]

i don't need to add anything, you and the others ( mili, uggh !! queen of verbosity) said it all.
i mean teachers have lost their minds? common sense? everything is "no" "this is my way" ...all the time no choices?
sorry to hear that drew's teacher ruined your day.

[tgrimes]

Yeah, you're right, sometimes it's not a matter of going to calm your child down, it's really more like going to calm the person in charge down.
I wish I would have known that a long time ago.

[Isabelle]

it's really more like going to calm the person in charge down.

these words should be written in stone and throw in the heads of those "experts".... like moses did with the ten commandments