Forgive? How? I love and I don't love!

[Cry Tears]

My mother used and abused me my entire life.
She failed to give me even just the basics.
She allowed me to be sexually abused as a toddler...I begged for her help.
When I was just a young teenager...she allowed a man to take me, he drugged then raped me. My mother NEVER allowed me to talk or deal with this.
She was a nurse...I babysat my younger siblings.
I was like a grown woman at 12 yr old.
I did everything for her...I lost my childhood, teen years.
When she was done using me she turned me away.
I had just turned 17...she turned me out on the street, told me they had no room for me. It broke my heart.
Now...she's come to me once again. She's again wanting me to nurture her.
She's wanting and needing me now...she has Alzheimers, dementia pretty bad.
My siblings have no respect for her...but she taught them to hate me.
They won't even talk to her...but I do.
Why do I feel bad in turning her away?
Why do I feel so guilty now?
Why should I be her "mother" once again...just like I did when I was a child, but really wasn't.
How can I be angry at this stupid old woman?
I love, but I don't love....why should I?
Why? Why? Why?
What she allowed to happen to me...my immune system failed...the stress was just too much....My life has been nothing but pain.
Once a man, twice a child!....
but I never got to be one!...a child...I was always my mothers mother!

[CanRelate]

Cheryl...see PM for my response to this.....too long and too private....

Warm regards,
CanRelate

[tic chick]

cheryl,*smallrose

i read your posts and see what a horrible childhood you had and how you still seem to be struggling with those memories.

i had a similarily negative childhood. it took about 8 years of off and on counseling to figure out how to heal myself and live in peace.

the greatest healing began when i forgave.

i never forgot, because you can never forget.

my parents don't know that i forgave them, because they never believed they did anything wrong. each generation either repeats the mistakes they learned, or learns from the mistakes and does not repeat them. of course, we will still make our own mistakes and because our children have their own personalities and feelings, they will perceive these mistakes in different ways. then we make peace with our children by explaining why we did what we did and asking their understanding and forgiveness. this allows us to have good relationships with our children and not waste precious time being angry.

some of us will never get this chance to explain our feelings to our parents. some of our parents will deny they did anything wrong. some will deny that anything bad happened.

but, the beauty of forgiveness is...it is not for them, IT IS FOR US.

what i mean by that is, when our parents deny that they did anything wrong or deny our hurt feelings, we can still forgive them because what we feel is real and true for us. forgiving does not make them right. forgiving does not make their mistakes right. forgiving does not make our feelings wrong.

forgiveness gives us peace.

it releases our anger. it lets us pass on our peace to others. it lets us live our lives in the present instead of in the past. it lets us be available for our own family and friends.

i know forgiveness might take a long time. but, having tried many other ways of trying to heal, i believe forgiveness has worked the best for me.

i can also see my mother's memory slipping. i think she has early dementia. my father is 83, but in good health.

but, i am no longer waiting for their apologies. i no longer seek their approval for the choices i have made in my life. i no longer feel guilty that what i give isn't enough.

because what i am is good enough.

i hope you find peace one day, too.
jeannie*bunch

[pmj08009]

It is great you were able to forgive her. You are right to explore the relationship you had with her because if you do wish to help her physically it is beyond what most anyone can do. And spiritually one can forgive another and bring peace to the upper part of the soul, yet, the memories of the flesh and the cross over to the soul can be beyond the power of a mortal. I think you should help get her into a home and visit her when you can spiritually and physically. I know of people who tried to home care their parent and ended up hurting them because of a lack of knowledge. Do not feel guilty nor have any negative feelings about putting your parent in a home. Round the clock care is extremely difficult. I wish you the best.