MIL with dementia

[rumpled]

I rooted around in the records and called the case manager in regards to my MIL who is taking a turn down... turns out the case manager has stopped by unscheduled as she does... and is distressed as I am by the bedsore.
She is trying to convince the stubborn one to get another shift of care at the end of day. I called for a grant application to ease that... but she thinks my MIL needs 24hour care such as in a home as the home care she is getting now is just not safe but my FIL is just not... willing to make changes...
My hubby is still not willing to go up against his dad in order to make his mom safe... so it makes his dad "happy" on one level but unsafe and unhealthy on all others...he only wants to make small changes but that would mean his mom is in danger. Am I so... er...crazy but I am just going nuts that his mom has no advocate while leaving his dad in a bad situation for his health too...

I especially worry as I am on the verge of being diagnosed with something motor neuron and I keep asking him if he will make such bone headed decisions about me... (and yes, that is what I say...). :D

[Jo6]

I feel for you Jennifer. I also feel for all you guys. It's not easy to be an in-law!! I have been in the----well --------hot water more than once by speaking out. It's ok to do all the "caregiving" but keep your mouth shut?

I am still dealing with things but have decided to do for MIL and ignore the rest. I am very concerned with your MIL's bedsore. MIL is in a Nursing Home but one of us go over her with a fine tooth comb and the staff knows this. That kinda helps in that respect.

I do hope things will get better and the FIL gets a glimpse of realty and do whats best for MIL. You take care of you, FIRST!! take care, Jo

[Buttons2]

Jennifer,in this case can't her doctor intervene? Bed sores can be not only very painful but lead to further complications right? This must be very hard for all of the family to deal with! I really think you need someone outside the family to INSIST the best thing for your MIL is to make the dreaded move into a NH. For her husband this apparently is something he can't do,I'd imagine they promised each other years ago they would do everything possible to keep each other out of a NH. Call the doctor.

Good luck,Buttons

[rumpled]

Unfortunately, the doctor thinks her bedsore was a stage 1... so just ordered ointment and lucky for us, wound care. Wound care nurses disagreed with the doctor about the staging (believe me, it is a crater and both the hubby and I thought it was stage III) but heck, how can we go against her... at least wound care is treating it like more than what the doctor said. The doctor says we cannot quite yet declare the FIL incompetent and until then, she does not have power to do anything. In her words, stupid is not illegal. It is basically until she gets hurt, no one can intervene but my hubby and his is too... well... I don't know why he will not. He claims he is respecting that this how they want to live. Ah yes, prisoners in their apartment, no quality of life, alone and isolated... I keep telling him if he ends up taking care of me like this I will kick him in the a$$ if it is the last think I do...
The case manager wants her to move to a home but they will not hear of it... Yes, they promised and now that promise is keeping them in a horrible horrible lifestyle. They did not plan at all and the result is rather sad.
I try to take care of myself first... FIL gets upset that I won't go over there but I cannot see those conditions and keep my mouth shut. Bad DIL. Bad.
Reality... hah... I don't think he has EVER seen that...

[Tootsie]

Jennifer, this is a really frustrating situation for you. Other than making an official report to social services about elder abuse, I don't see any way for you to make an impact with your MIL's situation.

As for yourself, I do hope that you have talked with your doctors about the kinds of care you want in similar situations. Each state has their own laws and statues about what kind of document is considered legally enforceable. Sometimes an attorney is required and sometimes not. Cheerio.

[Buttons2]

Jennifer,this is indeed a sad situation. Sounds to me as though you can't take much action yourself. Also seems like a new doctor is needed for a consult if nothing else. This might be the time for you to just sit back & see what happens. I realize this is not your favorite thing to hear!

I had a small taste of what my future dealings with my elderly parents will be like. Last spring I tried to intervene with my mom. She refuses to take her meds,including for thyroid disease (which is causing early dementia-in my opinion).I emailed my SIL to get her to take mom to the doctor. Big mistake!Let's just say it was made clear that I'm to mind my own business & have faith in my stupid SIL to "take care of them when the time comes". Yeah right. Just part of the guilt trip I suppose cause I refuse to live in the area they all live in.

Aren't families great?

Try to focus on your own health. And we all have to respect the wishes of the elders,no matter how bad their choices might be. If they don't want our input.....then we gotta keep out of it.

Good luck,Buttons

[Jo6]

Buttons, the MIL needs an advocate, not someone that tries to hide her condition for whatever reason!

Jennifer is doing what she can to keep peace all around. Jennifer, I do hope you will find a way to help MIL without wrecking your own health more than it already is. Please take care, Jo

[rumpled]

Somedays I feel like I am the only one who is her advocate - besides the case manager... the few friends who see the situation are appalled and complain to me and I in turn try to push but my hubby and FIL are like rocks of stupidity...
After all, this is just a stubborness on her part (quote by FIL)... *scream*
They move slow and the situation will resolve itself... but really... they have no quality of life. I would think, just like when we show them new foods and new thing that they go - wow! we did not know that was out there! - that showing them that they do not have to live the way they are which is not good... that they would like being told or shown more but my hubby thinks they are anti-social and so want to be alone and isolated. They only want to rely on 4 people that my FIL has not alientated for all their social interaction... and that is too much. They live in a beautiful place for over 50 that has parties and common areas and people get together to just talk and he refuses to get to know any of his neighbors... he wants us to come over and talk. But they have nothing to talk about as they do not meet anyone or do anything. Shoot me if I do this.

[rumpled]

Well, the wound care nurse called and left a message while I was at accupuncture yesterday... Apparently she has been trying to call my hubby for a while but my dear dear FIL said our number is unlisted. !!! She found our number (she was good - she found it in the past records as they had been there many times before!) and let us know that my MIL was not healing. This was, she felt, due to the lack of care on weekends. My FIL does not WANT care on weekends as this is his time. We do not understand it as this is the time she falls, has accidents, etc. but he seems to think that he wants a day off... in our thnking this is anything but! I have said a long time ago that his mom is noticable worse on Mondays, which is the day after she is in full care of his dad. He refuses to give her the meds on time, feed her on time, wake her and keep her on a schedule as he wants to sleep. If he just got more help, he would be able to do all that. Why he thinks 5 hours a day is ok when she needs 24 is beyond all of us.

Anyway, he is trying to be sly and keep all that away from us but it is coming to a head now. My hubby is over there now screaming at him to accept the help or senior services is going to step in. The nurse is going to have no choice but to call if FIL keeps saying no. Now hubby is worried that he will be implicated too.

The case manager is coming over today too... FIL was already rude to her on the phone... he wants control but his control is dangerous to the health and well-being of his wife and we cannot get him to understand that. It is no good to him either.

[Buttons2]

Jo, sorry I didn't mean to imply the MIL doesn't need an advocate. I was only relating how we can sometimes try to help & it backfires onto US.

Jennifer,hopefully all this will be resolved soon! Seems to me the professionals involved with this situation should be intervening to the point of insisting your MIL be removed from her husband's care?

Also,it's not for us to judge how someone else spends their time being social,you might make some suggestions but if they chose to be inside & not participate I'd say respect their wishes. You FIL might be feeling too overwhelmed with his wife's condition,maybe even be depressed?

Good luck with this,and put your own health first!
Buttons

[rumpled]

FIL is most certainly depressed but will not get treatment. He used to love to socialize and still does - tells long stories to dominate the conversation that bores the pants of of anyone that is around (he does not get out to learn new stories) and can turn on the false charm when needed. He wants to get out and go around and thinks that his wife can go to but she actually screams in fear when going up and down stairs but that does not stop him from taking her over to the only people's home that he has not alienated. The other home is not handicapped friendly but he insists, when he is there, on the same food, same holidays, same everythng - all of which is super stressful (and dangerous) on his wife. This is how deep his denial.
He may try to pull the wool over the professional's eyes again and agree and then pull back as he did before. He is pretty wiley.
Health, er, what is that exactly?
Thanks for your support.. it helps to vent and I cannot put any more on my hubby...

[Jo6]

I am ever so sorry I left you with that Impression. I took it that you were trying to help too. You are fine with what you said. Please forgive me.

It looks like things may be going the right way? I pray so Jennifer. For them and also for you.

my love to all, Jo

[rumpled]

I took it as both of you were helping! Thanks to you both!

[rumpled]

Their GP saw her yesterday and said she would sign papers for hospice care... but still they (hubby, FIL) are in denial about her condition. The doc said for them to get her final papers in order and to get her more care! I questioned my hubby that if she is willing to sign for hospice - what is she saying about his mom but he thinks all is well?! Hubby still wants to negotiate with his dad about how much care he is willing to accept for his mom... she is wasting away. I am... sad, so sad.

[Jo6]

how are things going? You haven't posted much. I do hope your own health isn't worse.

Did you see the announcement on top of page? If you are here and want to chat yell real loud and I'll bob over and chat with you.

It's not a perfect system , but it's sure nice of mike to set this up for us. Maybe later he will add seperate rooms. For the moment it is nice to have. Be sure to book mark it.

To all others, come on over. Its a room for everybody but maybe later~~~~~~ we'll be good Jo

[rumpled]

They are not going for the hospice care... agreed to Sunday care at reduced hours (of course). She improved slightly which is great but is mentally totally out of it. She is reaching and acting out like she is going things like making coffee.
I did see the announcement and hope to catch you (and/ or others) in chat soon! Thank you!

[Buttons2]

Hi,I try to keep in mind that we are all on a BRAIN forum for a reason!
Jennifer I don't really have any wisdom regarding this situation,some things seem to be out of your control.....and as long as hubby agrees with FIL I just don't see how you can get them to change their minds.

I've learned one lesson in life: sometimes we have to just be patient & see how the future plays out,in other words when WE try to make a change it may not work......when the time comes for action it's usually very clear. Does that make sense? In this case you MIL will take a turn for the worse & there will no longer be any question of what to do!

How are YOU doing? From what I read under your name you must have alot of health issues,some of it I have no idea about (PCOS for instance),just the Addison's must be a daily ordeal though?

Keep in mind we need to respect our elderly relatives but we don't have to like them,not everyone is loveable! Your FIL sounds like somewhat of a bully,not the schoolyard type but the "my way or the highway" type perhaps?

I'm betting you're doing everything you possibly can & that this is stressful for you. Also where are the other relatives in this? Maybe there aren't any but I would think some more female input might be needed. Is that sexist? Too bad! Men don't know how to nurture for the most part,and they see things in a practical matter rather than emotional.

Anyway I wish you well!
HUGS Buttons

[michael178]

I have a fatal, genetic disease which includes significant dementia, and end of life considerations worry me a lot. My wife and I have a good understanding, but that guarantees nothing. Doctors feel free to step in and do whatever they want, and saving my poor hide is not what I want. I am sick of living, and the idea of dying is a comfort I look forward to. am not trying to be morbid nor am I looking for sympathy. A lot of older sick people feel the same way, and they have the every right to do so. Pneumonia is the dying patient's friend, not his enemy.

[Tootsie]

Michael, there are many people on these forums that have situations similar to yours. When I finish this, I plan to see out your previous postings to read what you have to say.

I do hope that you have all the legal papers in order so that you have your terminal episode handled the way you want. In recent years there have been many changes in the way care is provided. Almost all communities have hospice services to help families cope with the challenges of that time. Cheerio.

[rumpled]

I agree with Michael. I hope you have people around you that are supportive and will carry out your wishes! And keep you comfortable - as that seems to be your wishes. I know that is all I want as well.

But his parents have not planned - and his mom is suffering for it. There are no other relatives save for dear dear friends who call me up and complain bitterly about her care for they know that this is not what she wants. Plus he is going downhill rapidly too! After these calls, I tend to raise a stink a bit but yes, for my own health, I am trying not too. If my hubby saw these posts he would be mortified instead of thinking how much I love his mom, which is a shame. I even love his dad - but I do not love what he is doing. I wish they friends would speak up but to do so would alienate the FIL forever - like I have done - he is not the forgiving type even if you are helping him.

I seem to have a neurological issue, still unidentified, that is lurking. I cannot lift my arms. Walking or standing for long periods - well, I push to do it but the pain will get me afterwards. I am going for an SFEMG today. Yes, the addison's is a daily struggle - basically since I have few working hormones, I live to take them. Fibromyalgia plus something else? I have no idea at this point. But the doc said I am so complicated (hah) that it has to be more than one thing. But my muscles appear to be destroyed - probably from the years of untreated Cushing's.
Joy.

Thanks for your support!

[Buttons2]

Jennifer,hope this latest test will bring some definative answers!
HUGS,Buttons

[rumpled]

ACK - they cancelled it just as we were leaving... so have to wait until mid November now. Oh well... :(

[Jo6]

I think you need a few *hugs about right now. take care sweet girl, Jo