Ingwaz
10-20-2006, 08:56 PM
I haven’t posted on these forums much, with exception for the Artistic Expression Forums, but I thought I would share what is for me a miracle.
I am 21 years old. I also have Tourette’s syndrome, which I link to the cause of my agoraphobia. I just can’t/couldn’t tic in public. When I got into high-school my social anxieties worsened, as I felt peer-pressure from friends wanting me to join clubs (which you all probably all know, joining anything is like asking someone to cut a body part off, it’s that hard!) and phobias where I couldn’t tic in front of people. I was just too concerned about being stared at or teased.
I never had a high-school sweetheart, have never been to a game, or a dance, or anything. So I graduated from my high-school with little friends and was just so thrilled I had actually gotten my diploma. There had been so many obstacles, I didn’t know if I’d make it out at all—at least alive! I was very suicidal. They began me on what I call the Terrible Two’s, my two years of pill ****. Zoloft. Made me rapid bi-polar! Ticcing increased. Suicidal. Three pills later, breast lactation, itching, rashes, extreme sleepiness; two more after that (so many I can’t remember their names..) ticking increase. Breast lactation. Interaction with my TS pills. Then, finally, a pill that worked miracles! My Welbutrin. But I was off it in three weeks as I swelled in my breasts and the lactation was just too much to bear. Lots of tics. Then, I was on nothing at all.
I wouldn’t go outside, even for a walk—something I am still working on. Canceled doctor’s appointments, even counseling appointments, movies with what few friends I had. My neuro saw an increase of Agoraphobia, and I would cry and cry because of how lonely and horribly depressed I was—I would tell my mother that “In my head, I want to be social. But up in my heart, I just can’t make a emotional connection. I can’t step out because I can’t.” I told mom horrible stuff would happen if I did, but I didn’t know what horrible things they were. They just…existed.
Then, just this year, my psychiatrist was going to try more pills, but was hesitant, “scared”, he said, of side-affects. Then he saw that I was on Klonopin, for my Tourettes, and something wonderful happened. “How long have you been on Klonopin?” he asked me.
“About nine-or-ten-years,” I responded. “Good, then there is less chance of side affects if we increase it. It is an excellent anti-depressant and an agoraphobic reducer.” He was going to increase my pill so that I took 1 whole in the morning; 1 whole in the afternoon; 1 whole at night.
It worked so incredibly well, that I am only on 1 whole/1 half/1 whole. I am social as I can be. I talk to people and try to make eye contact if it’s possible, and it’s still scary, but I feel that I make connections with people when I talk to them. Before, this was impossible. Everything was just automatic and placid.
I go to places, but being outside by myself on a walk is still very frightening! But I know I can do it sometime, someday. I even have found myself a boyfriend, a first, after 20 years. He actually gave me a first kiss; it’s really sweet, because he is also a late bloomer, so we are, um, blooming together? :)
Most of all….I feel HAPPY. I’ve not felt this kind of happiness in many, many years—I’d always have dropouts of depression that’d last for months.
This really is, quite the success for a very severe socialphobe as myself. I feel my agoraphobia getting better, maybe slowly, but SURELY! And geeze, I just feel…like a different person. I’m even trying to go back to my Catholic roots (God and I haven’t had the best of relationship these past few years.) But…You know? Life is good. Well...it’s a lot better than it was, any way!!
Keep up the hope. I lost it many times, but it’ll always come back in the funniest ways! I was on Klonopin for 10 years before it finally “cured” my agoraphobia! Go fig!!
Chin up and hair down,
Katherine.
I am 21 years old. I also have Tourette’s syndrome, which I link to the cause of my agoraphobia. I just can’t/couldn’t tic in public. When I got into high-school my social anxieties worsened, as I felt peer-pressure from friends wanting me to join clubs (which you all probably all know, joining anything is like asking someone to cut a body part off, it’s that hard!) and phobias where I couldn’t tic in front of people. I was just too concerned about being stared at or teased.
I never had a high-school sweetheart, have never been to a game, or a dance, or anything. So I graduated from my high-school with little friends and was just so thrilled I had actually gotten my diploma. There had been so many obstacles, I didn’t know if I’d make it out at all—at least alive! I was very suicidal. They began me on what I call the Terrible Two’s, my two years of pill ****. Zoloft. Made me rapid bi-polar! Ticcing increased. Suicidal. Three pills later, breast lactation, itching, rashes, extreme sleepiness; two more after that (so many I can’t remember their names..) ticking increase. Breast lactation. Interaction with my TS pills. Then, finally, a pill that worked miracles! My Welbutrin. But I was off it in three weeks as I swelled in my breasts and the lactation was just too much to bear. Lots of tics. Then, I was on nothing at all.
I wouldn’t go outside, even for a walk—something I am still working on. Canceled doctor’s appointments, even counseling appointments, movies with what few friends I had. My neuro saw an increase of Agoraphobia, and I would cry and cry because of how lonely and horribly depressed I was—I would tell my mother that “In my head, I want to be social. But up in my heart, I just can’t make a emotional connection. I can’t step out because I can’t.” I told mom horrible stuff would happen if I did, but I didn’t know what horrible things they were. They just…existed.
Then, just this year, my psychiatrist was going to try more pills, but was hesitant, “scared”, he said, of side-affects. Then he saw that I was on Klonopin, for my Tourettes, and something wonderful happened. “How long have you been on Klonopin?” he asked me.
“About nine-or-ten-years,” I responded. “Good, then there is less chance of side affects if we increase it. It is an excellent anti-depressant and an agoraphobic reducer.” He was going to increase my pill so that I took 1 whole in the morning; 1 whole in the afternoon; 1 whole at night.
It worked so incredibly well, that I am only on 1 whole/1 half/1 whole. I am social as I can be. I talk to people and try to make eye contact if it’s possible, and it’s still scary, but I feel that I make connections with people when I talk to them. Before, this was impossible. Everything was just automatic and placid.
I go to places, but being outside by myself on a walk is still very frightening! But I know I can do it sometime, someday. I even have found myself a boyfriend, a first, after 20 years. He actually gave me a first kiss; it’s really sweet, because he is also a late bloomer, so we are, um, blooming together? :)
Most of all….I feel HAPPY. I’ve not felt this kind of happiness in many, many years—I’d always have dropouts of depression that’d last for months.
This really is, quite the success for a very severe socialphobe as myself. I feel my agoraphobia getting better, maybe slowly, but SURELY! And geeze, I just feel…like a different person. I’m even trying to go back to my Catholic roots (God and I haven’t had the best of relationship these past few years.) But…You know? Life is good. Well...it’s a lot better than it was, any way!!
Keep up the hope. I lost it many times, but it’ll always come back in the funniest ways! I was on Klonopin for 10 years before it finally “cured” my agoraphobia! Go fig!!
Chin up and hair down,
Katherine.