Cry Tears
09-20-2007, 08:03 PM
I've had years of turmoil, was sexualy abused, despised by my own father, used by my mother as her maid and babysitter to my much younger siblings.
While my mother lived 75 miles away, my siblings lived with foster family.
~~~
I was 14, left alone on 10 acres far from town. My dad always gone out gambling came home about every 4-5 days. I was desperatly lonely, wanted to just be dead because no one cared about me...no one...except I'd met a girl while swimming in public pool.
Her father kidnapped, drugged then raped me.
My mother refused to let me "tell" and was forced to hold all this "within".
We moved a few months later.
By then I'd attended 9 different school and was only in 8th grade then.
~~~
In late Oct, I had suicidal "ideations" while driving 80mph on wet winding road.
I went off a steep embankment...is a wonder I wasn't killed.
4 months after this, our home totally destroyed by a flood.
My very sicko religeous mom claimed was my fault for satanic poster in my room.
They moved into small apt...no room for me, was only allowed to sleep on the couch till I found elsewhere to live...so at just barely 17, I walked out of that "home" with half grocery bag that held every possesions I owned.
Now mind you...I was NOT a regelious girl, never back talked or disobeyed!
I was nearly a model child. I even held a near full time job to help pay my own bill for private christian school.
I just didnt fit into this very "clikcish" school.
I was very dirt poor, had just moved into the area and didn't have a single freind. Most kids there came from wealthy homes.
I was often chastised in principles office because I smelled like cig smoke.
They'd search my locker, purse and all, just sure I smoked.
They refused to listen to me...that my father smoked and the smell got onto my clothing and things.
Some kids were cruel enough to hold their noses as they passed by me in the hallways. I was often all alone in tears. I didn't want to be alive.
I was failing school anyway...got mostly D's and F's....I'd spent my every waking hour helping my 2 younger sisters (They both now hold PhD's)
And when our mother came home from work usually midnight, I'd fix her a meal, freshen her uniform, rub her feet and listen to her crying and lamenting about my father who was abusing her. I loathed and despised the man and he, me, but ten fold more. I recieved many face slappings and beatings, often for no reason what soever!
Most of my class mates parants were doctors or medical proffesionals there at Loma Linda Univ Hosp. a Seventh Day Adventist organization.
~~~
After being turned away from my "family" I met an older man.
That lasted long enough for 1st pos pregnancy test.
My only option was Booth Mem, a home for unwed mothers in Los Angeles.
But I left a month before delivering my son. I'd had a dream that God told me I'd never be ever able to bare another child, for me to keep him.
I kept my baby, was born 1 month before my 18th BD.
I met and married a complete opposite from my dad. I was NOT attracted to Larry, But I knew he'd offer me something much different than way I grew up. We've been married 32 years now, and has been the only stability in my life.
~~~
Sadly, my dream was true, I was never able to bare his baby, but he accepted and adopted my son as his own, but his folks were terribly unaccepting to us both and openly shared their disdane towards me.
They were appalled their son would marry an uneducated girl with an illigetamate child. They tried to their dying end to get Larry to leave me.
They even went as far as offering me a large sum of money to leave thier son alone, as I was the cause of his deadly mouth cancer!
~~~
We adopted older 2 girls, 5 & 11 yrs old, from an orphanage in Mexico.
When the girls were safely in our home, they told the horrors that took place in the orphanage...a Christian organization, but satanic rituals used against the children to keep them from talking/telling.
We exposed them and turned over this information to proper authorities.
They were all arrested, imprisoned and have since all have died.
~~~
A year later we moved to Oregon on C-Mass Eve...
6 months later, Larry had a lump on his tongue.
He was 36, I was 34. He held a very good job with Motorola corp, engineering emergency radio and 911 systems here in the Pac NW.
Was deadly form of mouth Cancer. He had near radical surgery and radiation.
During all this the oldest girl began running away, drinking herself into comas.
I've written that saga on another forum, (Alc Family)
I had to work full time now all 3 children in Christian school.
Life was soooo hard and I wasn't sleeping, had no freinds, no loving family to console us. I wanted to just be dead.
~~~
If things couldn't get worse, they did. My inlaws came for a C-mass visit.
They'd actually came with the conviction they could finally get Larry to wake up to the fact that all these problems were all my fault.
When he refused their offer (had secretly held a meeting with Larry on Cmass Eve), then on C-mass day after having dinner in total silence...:eek:
Larrys mother stood on our front steps, told me I was the most worthless person on earth...
that she'd never seen such a disfunctional, uneducated idiot...
that I was down right horrible and that I had caused their son to have mouth cancer, that was all my fault, was killing him.
More poison continued, what a horrible home we had, filled with used furniture and junk, my car a shame to the road....just anything she could to hurt me! Larry brother has a gorgeous home in private gated community.
But our money was spent on the girls immigration, adoptions, citezenship, church schooling and much needed medical care...they were in very poor shape when they arrived in our home.
We also pay tithes and offerings first before spent on "stuff".
Those were OUR values, convictions...but they only saw it as wasted money.
~~~
She spent 20 mins describing to me what a poor exuse of a human I was.
Then she started in about MY kids...what a disgrace each and every one of them were....were ugly, Mexicans...only brought shame to everyone and had turned our once quiet and very functional family into the most disfunctional group of misfits she's ever seen.
She was a high school councilor, highly degree'd (PhD) as is every member of that family....except Larry...although he's since recieved his, they were never told so....didn't matter to Larry what they thought.
If you don't at least hold a master's, you're worthless!
While she continued attacking me, Larry stood behind me, silent, head down.
His mouth still filled with ulcer sores from having 2 months of radiation.
I stood there frozen with fear...tears and snot running down my face, all my children looking out the window, listening to her every word.
~~~
You'll be shocked by what I did next....I cried out, "Forgive me...I'll try harder...what does it take for you to accept me?" I kept begging over and over...(How stupid and shameful that was)...and I reached out to hug her!:eek: ...is what I did whenever desperate for affection and acceptance.
~~~
But she recoiled...like the rattle snake she was...she only struck, her fangs deeper into my heart as she continued spewing out more vitrionic poisonous venom.
They turned around, drove off. But she wasn't finished with me just yet.
~~~~~~~WELL...MERRY F'N ***X-MSS!!!~~~~~~~~
Is what I really wanted to say and then pushed both of them off our front porch...both fall into the pile of rocks below...but I didn't...I just stood there shocked as both Larrys "parants" drove off.
She wasn't finished with me yet....:( as she wrote several letters to Larry, describing what a total failure he was, was nothing more than a mouse saying "yes dear" as a fat pig (me) drove us all off a precipous, picking up speed and disfunction as we headed downhill.
That I'd kill us all by the time we hit bottom.
~~~
Larrys ENT and Surgeon both had a close relationship with us, took us under their "wings"...the ENT took our kids skiing a few times too.
They read the letter and heard what Larrys "mother" had written.
They wrote a letter back to her, claiming SHE would be responsible for her son's demise because of her horrible attitude....and threatened to sue her for getting in the way of his patients healing!
~~~
We did have a close relationship with a few church members as we were helping build a new church. Larry was "well" enough to engineer and install the sound system, saving the church over $20,000!
And someone paid most of our kids school bills for 3 years!:eek:
But that didn't stop me from feeling every word Larrys mother had said to me. I beleived her every word...my self esteme is THAT low.
All I could think was everyone would be better off with my death.
I wanted to just die in my sleep, would pray this each nite.
~~~
Then if this wasn't bad enough, my folks moved to Oregon, stayed with us. Bob (my bio-sperm donor) wouldn't lift a finger other than his middle.
He's always leached off anyone around him. My mom worked as RN full time.
Bob continued his rage and hatred towards me.
One time he didn't like the way I'd talked to Larry.
He overturned the kitchen table, then beat me.
He slapped, kicked, pulled my hair, telling me how much he's hated me my entire life...that EVERYONE wished I was dead...that he was going to kill me!
My "mom" just danced around me...all my children and 12 yo brother watching this...Larry trying to get Bob off of me...and my mother yelling, "Stop, STOP, its almost SABBATH!"...OMG!...the woman just doesn't get it...the man was trying to kill me! ~~~...continued on the next post.....
While my mother lived 75 miles away, my siblings lived with foster family.
~~~
I was 14, left alone on 10 acres far from town. My dad always gone out gambling came home about every 4-5 days. I was desperatly lonely, wanted to just be dead because no one cared about me...no one...except I'd met a girl while swimming in public pool.
Her father kidnapped, drugged then raped me.
My mother refused to let me "tell" and was forced to hold all this "within".
We moved a few months later.
By then I'd attended 9 different school and was only in 8th grade then.
~~~
In late Oct, I had suicidal "ideations" while driving 80mph on wet winding road.
I went off a steep embankment...is a wonder I wasn't killed.
4 months after this, our home totally destroyed by a flood.
My very sicko religeous mom claimed was my fault for satanic poster in my room.
They moved into small apt...no room for me, was only allowed to sleep on the couch till I found elsewhere to live...so at just barely 17, I walked out of that "home" with half grocery bag that held every possesions I owned.
Now mind you...I was NOT a regelious girl, never back talked or disobeyed!
I was nearly a model child. I even held a near full time job to help pay my own bill for private christian school.
I just didnt fit into this very "clikcish" school.
I was very dirt poor, had just moved into the area and didn't have a single freind. Most kids there came from wealthy homes.
I was often chastised in principles office because I smelled like cig smoke.
They'd search my locker, purse and all, just sure I smoked.
They refused to listen to me...that my father smoked and the smell got onto my clothing and things.
Some kids were cruel enough to hold their noses as they passed by me in the hallways. I was often all alone in tears. I didn't want to be alive.
I was failing school anyway...got mostly D's and F's....I'd spent my every waking hour helping my 2 younger sisters (They both now hold PhD's)
And when our mother came home from work usually midnight, I'd fix her a meal, freshen her uniform, rub her feet and listen to her crying and lamenting about my father who was abusing her. I loathed and despised the man and he, me, but ten fold more. I recieved many face slappings and beatings, often for no reason what soever!
Most of my class mates parants were doctors or medical proffesionals there at Loma Linda Univ Hosp. a Seventh Day Adventist organization.
~~~
After being turned away from my "family" I met an older man.
That lasted long enough for 1st pos pregnancy test.
My only option was Booth Mem, a home for unwed mothers in Los Angeles.
But I left a month before delivering my son. I'd had a dream that God told me I'd never be ever able to bare another child, for me to keep him.
I kept my baby, was born 1 month before my 18th BD.
I met and married a complete opposite from my dad. I was NOT attracted to Larry, But I knew he'd offer me something much different than way I grew up. We've been married 32 years now, and has been the only stability in my life.
~~~
Sadly, my dream was true, I was never able to bare his baby, but he accepted and adopted my son as his own, but his folks were terribly unaccepting to us both and openly shared their disdane towards me.
They were appalled their son would marry an uneducated girl with an illigetamate child. They tried to their dying end to get Larry to leave me.
They even went as far as offering me a large sum of money to leave thier son alone, as I was the cause of his deadly mouth cancer!
~~~
We adopted older 2 girls, 5 & 11 yrs old, from an orphanage in Mexico.
When the girls were safely in our home, they told the horrors that took place in the orphanage...a Christian organization, but satanic rituals used against the children to keep them from talking/telling.
We exposed them and turned over this information to proper authorities.
They were all arrested, imprisoned and have since all have died.
~~~
A year later we moved to Oregon on C-Mass Eve...
6 months later, Larry had a lump on his tongue.
He was 36, I was 34. He held a very good job with Motorola corp, engineering emergency radio and 911 systems here in the Pac NW.
Was deadly form of mouth Cancer. He had near radical surgery and radiation.
During all this the oldest girl began running away, drinking herself into comas.
I've written that saga on another forum, (Alc Family)
I had to work full time now all 3 children in Christian school.
Life was soooo hard and I wasn't sleeping, had no freinds, no loving family to console us. I wanted to just be dead.
~~~
If things couldn't get worse, they did. My inlaws came for a C-mass visit.
They'd actually came with the conviction they could finally get Larry to wake up to the fact that all these problems were all my fault.
When he refused their offer (had secretly held a meeting with Larry on Cmass Eve), then on C-mass day after having dinner in total silence...:eek:
Larrys mother stood on our front steps, told me I was the most worthless person on earth...
that she'd never seen such a disfunctional, uneducated idiot...
that I was down right horrible and that I had caused their son to have mouth cancer, that was all my fault, was killing him.
More poison continued, what a horrible home we had, filled with used furniture and junk, my car a shame to the road....just anything she could to hurt me! Larry brother has a gorgeous home in private gated community.
But our money was spent on the girls immigration, adoptions, citezenship, church schooling and much needed medical care...they were in very poor shape when they arrived in our home.
We also pay tithes and offerings first before spent on "stuff".
Those were OUR values, convictions...but they only saw it as wasted money.
~~~
She spent 20 mins describing to me what a poor exuse of a human I was.
Then she started in about MY kids...what a disgrace each and every one of them were....were ugly, Mexicans...only brought shame to everyone and had turned our once quiet and very functional family into the most disfunctional group of misfits she's ever seen.
She was a high school councilor, highly degree'd (PhD) as is every member of that family....except Larry...although he's since recieved his, they were never told so....didn't matter to Larry what they thought.
If you don't at least hold a master's, you're worthless!
While she continued attacking me, Larry stood behind me, silent, head down.
His mouth still filled with ulcer sores from having 2 months of radiation.
I stood there frozen with fear...tears and snot running down my face, all my children looking out the window, listening to her every word.
~~~
You'll be shocked by what I did next....I cried out, "Forgive me...I'll try harder...what does it take for you to accept me?" I kept begging over and over...(How stupid and shameful that was)...and I reached out to hug her!:eek: ...is what I did whenever desperate for affection and acceptance.
~~~
But she recoiled...like the rattle snake she was...she only struck, her fangs deeper into my heart as she continued spewing out more vitrionic poisonous venom.
They turned around, drove off. But she wasn't finished with me just yet.
~~~~~~~WELL...MERRY F'N ***X-MSS!!!~~~~~~~~
Is what I really wanted to say and then pushed both of them off our front porch...both fall into the pile of rocks below...but I didn't...I just stood there shocked as both Larrys "parants" drove off.
She wasn't finished with me yet....:( as she wrote several letters to Larry, describing what a total failure he was, was nothing more than a mouse saying "yes dear" as a fat pig (me) drove us all off a precipous, picking up speed and disfunction as we headed downhill.
That I'd kill us all by the time we hit bottom.
~~~
Larrys ENT and Surgeon both had a close relationship with us, took us under their "wings"...the ENT took our kids skiing a few times too.
They read the letter and heard what Larrys "mother" had written.
They wrote a letter back to her, claiming SHE would be responsible for her son's demise because of her horrible attitude....and threatened to sue her for getting in the way of his patients healing!
~~~
We did have a close relationship with a few church members as we were helping build a new church. Larry was "well" enough to engineer and install the sound system, saving the church over $20,000!
And someone paid most of our kids school bills for 3 years!:eek:
But that didn't stop me from feeling every word Larrys mother had said to me. I beleived her every word...my self esteme is THAT low.
All I could think was everyone would be better off with my death.
I wanted to just die in my sleep, would pray this each nite.
~~~
Then if this wasn't bad enough, my folks moved to Oregon, stayed with us. Bob (my bio-sperm donor) wouldn't lift a finger other than his middle.
He's always leached off anyone around him. My mom worked as RN full time.
Bob continued his rage and hatred towards me.
One time he didn't like the way I'd talked to Larry.
He overturned the kitchen table, then beat me.
He slapped, kicked, pulled my hair, telling me how much he's hated me my entire life...that EVERYONE wished I was dead...that he was going to kill me!
My "mom" just danced around me...all my children and 12 yo brother watching this...Larry trying to get Bob off of me...and my mother yelling, "Stop, STOP, its almost SABBATH!"...OMG!...the woman just doesn't get it...the man was trying to kill me! ~~~...continued on the next post.....