Nine months today

[Jennybean]

I lost my daddy exactly nine months ago to this very day. Today we are finally getting the headstone put into place. Mom is so cool and collected about all of this. I truely admire her for this. I know that he's no longer in pain and that's a good thing. But why do I feel so horrible? It feels as if it just happened and I know that's not true. I've come a long way since his death, but I feel as if I keep sliding backwards. Why can't I move on and be thankful that he doesn't have to suffer anymore? I couldn't bring myself to go to the cemetery to see the headstone. I only know what it looks like from a sketchy picture drawn by the designer. On one hand, I want to see it in its eternal setting, but at the same time I can't stand to think about it. I feel so guilty! As his only child, he deserves a daughter better than this. What is wrong with me?! I try to talk about it in therapy, but I all I do is cry and speak incoherently. I see the expressions on others' faces and know they wish they could do something more. Their compassion, empathy, pitty, or whatever you want to call it, leaves me feeling angry and alone. Like I'm trapped inside my own head with these feelings and no one else can truely understand. I'm at a loss. I wish I had the freedom to drive a vehicle myself, so I'd have the choice of going on my own free will. But at the same time, if I had that freedom, I'd probably have another reason for not going. I never thought I'd miss him this much! He was gone too soon, we never had a warning! I never got to say goodbye! The last time I told him I loved him was the night before he died and he never even said it back! He wasn't raised in a family where emotions were openly expressed. Oh God, I feel so selfish and childish for feeling the way I do! The doctors said it was aggressive NHL that had spread so fast he never had a chance. We never even knew he had cancer.

[blmave86]

Events like putting his headstone in place, his birthday, the anniversary of his death, holidays will likely continue to remind you of your dad and the loss. I think it is that way with all of us. I lost my dad nearly 2 years ago and my mom 10 months later. All we can do is our best on any given day. I am an only child, too. I was told that in time good memories, replace the bad feelings and I am finding it to be true. Give yourself some time.
Shirley

[Jennybean]

Thank you.

[GUMBY]

I am sorry for your great loss. You grieve in your own way and it takes time. You told your father you loved him and he knew that. We hurt so bad because of that physical loss but are loved ones are here with us in spirit, they don't leave us at all. We do not want to see any of our loved ones suffering on earth. We feel badly because we miss them terribly. It will get easier, more bearable, in time and you will find your own way through it. It is very true, keep the good memories, they will carry you through and give yourself time.

[mama sue]

(((Jennifer)))
DO NOT feel guilty for what you are going through!!! Your grief is real and will hit you at different times and in different intensities. You have suffered a great loss and your feelings are normal. I hope you know this.

It took about a year for me to get my boys their headstones and I think I have gone twice since. To me, it is not their final resting place and that is why I don't go, to you it may be the same, or you are just not ready yet. Whatever the reason, you will do what is best for you when the time is right. Your Daddy knows you loved him. Be gentle with yourself and remember that there are many here to lift you in prayer.

[Stetson]

You have nothing to feel guilty about as you go through your life this feeling will always be with you.You'll feel it in diffierrent ways as you go through the stages of your life.Just
remember he is in a better place and part of him will always be with you.As hard as it is to die it's part of living and very natural. It's too bad some souls have to suffer so long
while others are gone in a moment.I lost my grandmother,mom and father in the month of July which I find hard and it's been 30 years for my mom and 3 years for my father.