cascadeblue
09-06-2007, 11:01 AM
Words cant describe the things Im going through. I guess I should start from the beginning. I graduated college 2 years ago and found a nice job in a different state. I lived me whole life with my parents and now have a job and my own apartment. I found a roommate to share that apartment, but he left a year ago. When my first roommate left, I was so devastated. Within that one year, we had become such very close friends. In fact, we continue to call each other brother. It was so very hard to see him go. I didnt have many friends and the few that I had I treasured...especially my first roommate. I remember crying the night after he left. Fortunately I made another friend, "David". David and I have also become very close friends within the last year, so much so that I consider him to be my other brother. David was reliable, loyal, and always there. David was more than a brother, he was a rock. When my first roommate left, David filled a void that was so painful and sad. If I was ever in need or trouble, David was there. Together we met a girl. She is now very close to me, in fact now that David is gone, is probably my best friend here. She too will be leaving by month's end. David has just left. He is on a cross country road trip from Boston to California. I miss him so much. I miss him so much that it hurts. I dont know why but this time it hurts so much more. The impact of him leaving hasnt reached me until this morning. David left last night. It was quite strange, I have met so many new people recently that last night I felt surrounded by people. It helped a lot, but none of the people there last night is very close to me, not like I was to David. I couldnt show my sorrow last night. I should say that my personality is a caregiver. I am the "host" according to everyone I know. I take people in when they need a place to sleep, I cook for people when they need a home cooked meal, I drive them to places they need to go, I lend them things that they need. Everyone has said that I take very good care of everyone, and that is how I like it. I like to see that I bring joy and compassion whenever I help someone. Ive always been the one for people to depend on. Im the party planner, the event planner, the coordinator, the supervisor, the "go to" guy. How can I cry when everyone else was looking to me for strength. How can I cry when I felt like I was the one that setting the example for how others should be reacting to David's departure. I couldnt. So that night when David left, I put on my usual smile, cooked a nice meal and talked for some time enjoying the night. Always a smile. I always smile even when I am crying inside. This morning I cried...and I cried. I have never felt so emotionally overwhelmed. To make things more complicated, this other girl that David and I knew began dating David. Within the last few days they have become very close and intimate. I didnt find out until last night. I dont know if I ever had feelings for her. But David was always the gentleman. I think he knew that I kinda liked her and never made a move. In fact I told him he should make a move because I knew he liked her. So the last few nights he has been spending more time with her than with me. I guess this makes me feel a great combination of feelings. I feel immensely sad that he is gone, but mad at him for not spending enough time with me in the end, and mad at him for dating someone that I had feelings for, mad at myself for telling him to do so, mad at myself for not confronting what feelings I may have had for her, jealous that they spent so much time together when it shouldve been me and him, envious that they have each other and I have no one, mad at David for making our threesome more complicated...but most of all just sad that everything is changing and know that David will never knock on my door again. I dont know how to deal with this and everytime I think about this whole thing, I just want to cry. I just dont know how to make head or tails out of this. At the same time Im moving so I have a lot of things to deal with, my current roommate is leaving and I have to find a replacement, I have work and I have to study for a test that I want to take for Medical school. I just feel so overwhelmed. That on top of the fact that I dont know where my life is heading because I dont know what to do with my life. I will try to get into med school but I dont think thats what I want to do anymore. I just feel so lost and lonely and ...miserable. What am I to do??