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[buggirl5799]

I attempted suicide for the second time last weekend (July 18). I don't know what the hell came over me. My life is really great right now. I finished another semester of nursing school with flying colors. My kids are really wonderful. My fiance is really wonderful. I have several great friends that have been so very supporting of me and my family. So why did I cut a four inch gash on my left arm? I'm still trying to find answers for that one. My life is at the highest point in my life, why would I do such a horrible thing to my family and myself? I know that I have some serious baggage. Sexual abuse as a child by my step-father. I should be over all of that by now, right? Domestic abuse from the father of my kids. That's okay, too. I have risen above all of that; I divorced the *******.
I am so saddend by what I have done, not only to myself but also to my family. Fortunately, I still have me family standing beside me, but I'm still so perplexed by my suicide attempt. The first one I was able to clean myself up and go on, this time I took 13 stitches because I went really deep. I look at my arm and get so scared and depressed. What is my mind trying to do? What deep, dark secrets are trying to surface? I'm so afraid all of the time. Not that I think I will try again, but what was going through my mind when I decided to cut? I don't remember how or why I did it. I 'came to' in the local ER to a doctor stitching me up. My fiance is steadfastly by my side, trying his damndest to help me heal. I am set up for therapy to try to get to the bottom of what happened. I feel loved, but I'm afraid for the future. How will this follow me? Please share with me. I'm a great listener and also (as I have been told) a wonderful friend. Thank you for your time.
BUG

[Buttons2]

This is a weird one,if you can't recall cutting yourself! One thing that stands out is your denial of the past. You NEVER get over sexual abuse. You might bury it deep inside but it's still there! You were married to an abusive spouse,this also is baggage you still haul around.

I'm glad you'll be in therapy.

Since I find it so puzzling that you have no memory of doing this,can it be possible you went into a fugue state? Has anything like that ever happened before? Had you consumed alcohol?

Having a wonderful supportive family and fiance doesn't prevent suicide. So don't beat yourself up for doing something you were desperate enough to try. What you need to do now is get the proper help to make sure it never happens again!

I'm thinking there must have been a trigger of some sort. Perhaps even a dream.

You didn't mention how long you were in the hospital? Are you taking anti-depressants? Do you recall being very upset or angry about something? Is there any chance you did this for attention? A cry for help......

Glad you found BT & welcome!
Buttons

[buggirl5799]

Hey, thanks for replying. To answer your questions...
Do I deny my past? I hadn't thought of it that way before. We (my family, I mean) always swept the sexual abuse under the rug. They acted like it never happened and maybe I have adopted that attitude too. I have always tried to rise above it all but it still rears its ugly head sometimes.
I don't mean to sound ignorant but what is a fugue state? There was alcohol involved but I've never totally blacked out before. I had been under a tremendous amount of stress. I was at the end of a semester and the homework was huge. But I had made it through all of the homework and was celebratiing getting through it all intact. How's that for irony?
I'm not on any medication and I was in the hopspital for two days.
I'm just so befuddled over this. I have always been a very intense person. So emotional, and at times can be irrational, but it was always short lived. My mom is concerned that there may be some bipolar issues at hand. I begin therapy on Thursday. I have tried antidepressants in the past and they didn't work for me. I am prone to migranes and the meds just made them worse and I always felt really jumpy. While I was in the hospital I had to talk to a doctor. He was really nice about everything even though he didn't sugarcoat my situation. I guess all I can do is continue to move forward and ask for help when things start getting shaky. That's one thing I'm beginning to realize about myself. I usually take on everyone else's problems and swallow them along with my own. After awhile they build up and I break.
Thanks for listening. I'm on unfamiliar territory and am desperately searching for answers.

[Buttons2]

Hi buggirl, some times it gets kinda scary on this forum when we don't hear back from people!

OK, I could tell immediately that you have buried the sexual abuse! I was molested when I was 5 yr old by my uncle & another guy. I grew up with this ignored by my family & even had to be around my uncle constantly. I'm now 58 yr old & have finally been able to forgive my parents for not killing my uncle when I told them,and to to recognize that many of the mistakes I've made through the years are all related to my low self esteem from this.

Little girls need to be protected (and boys too of course). When you are sexually abused it takes away trust,it destroys your sense of self worth,it WILL go with you everyday of your life-in many aspects.

I'll leave the pros to help you with this,just know that I'm here for you & there are some other's here on BT that can relate as well.

It's part of why you feel you must "prove" yourself. Maintain control.

About the fugue state,this is a term for temporary amnesia brought on by trauma,stress,etc. And I asked about the alcohol cause I was wondering if there was any possibility of someone putting something in a drink, similiar to the "date rape" drugs used.....or something else? I recall back in the 70's when I was at a party & I smoked some pot that had been laced with PCP without my knowledge,let's just say I'm very lucky I survived that incident! So perhaps there is a possibility you slashed your wrist under the influence of something unknown?

Just trying to figure out what happened.....and then there's the WHY it happened if not from anything I mentioned above. This is for the shrink to help you with. I'm not qualified for that.

However I want you to know I'll help in any way possible. And please feel free to PM me if you'd rather not share the details to the public. I've found that by reaching out we connect with other's & find ourselves to not be alone.

Sweeping sex abuse under the rug is the norm,it's not right though. My parents are too elderly now for me to bring up the issue but it took me until recently to realize the role they played.....and how wrong they were to ignore me. But we all make mistakes & nobody is perfect,life is too short to hold grudges forever.

Later,Buttons

P.S. Let's look on the bright side OK, you survived this and you will be in therapy. I see that as a positive! You must be young right? So dealing with all this now is the best way for you to have a bright future & be a well adjusted person. You deserve to be happy!

[mama sue]

Buggirl
I don't have a lot of words or wisdom on suicide as this is VERY new to me. I don't know why you attempted to end your life, but I'm glad that you are here. There are many people who love you and I pray that you will seek the help you need to try and find some peace in your heart.

I am learning quickly that your family and friends loving you is not enough. You have to love yourself. I don't want to sound harsh so please don't take it that way. I just lost my husband in July to suicide and I can tell you that the pain of those left behind is HUGE!!!

Although suicide is a permanent solution for the one hurting, it also means it's permanent for those left behind. Then come the what if's, the I should have.... PLEASE PLEASE seek some counselling. You are here and that is wonderful, but I can't stress enough that your family wants you to get well.

If you need someone to talk to, cry with, yell at..........just call and I will be there to listen. Again, I have no wonderful words to say, but you NEED TO KNOW that your family and friends love you and your new friends here will all be here for you. TALK, TALK, TALK ok. DON'T keep things buried, it only destroys.

Take Care,
Sue

[buggirl5799]

WOW. Thanks so much for all of the support. I am overwhelmed to say the least. I'm having a really bad day today. I'm not suicidal, I believe I have figured out that I have so, so much to live for. Just very depressed and lonely. I'm in between semesters from school and have way too much time on my hands to reflect on the last few weeks. It's just so horrible. I believe I have lost the very best friend I ever had because of all of this.
I just can't wait for 3 o'clock when my kids get home and I'm not alone. I get so much love from those wonderful beings that I cannot believe what I have done to myself. The cut on my arm is healing but my heart feels like it's going to just burst from my body. One minute I am so thankful I am still alive, the next I am just so ashamed for what I truly am. I feel so selfish for trying to take myself away from those beautiful angels of mine.
If you were to know me, you would be truly shocked by me. I live in a beutiful house (thanks to my wonderful mother, it's hers), I have a gorgeous fiance that almost worships the ground that I walk on even though I have gained 30 pounds in last three years. He still says I'm 'hot' and he's much younger than me. I'm SO the envy of all my girlfriends in that department. I ccould go on literally forever about my kids. They are perfect in every way. They are both well mannered, well behaved, beautiful, intelligent, and all around fun to be with. I'm a few months away from finishing nursing school. Just LPN school, but a very intense program and I'm coming along with high marks (in the 90's % average). So what is my problem? I start therapy tomorrow. I'm a bit scared because I've been there before. It never helped me. I would feel okay for awhile and then BOOM! I'm melting down again. Sometimes I just feel like someone needs to smack me a good one and say, 'what are ya bitchin about! you got what a lot of people don't have. What the hell are you so unhappy about!'
Mom says that I may be afraid of success. That may be true considering I have never finished anything in my life. I will get that close and quit before I have a chance to succeed.
Should I also admit that I'm seriously confused about my spirituality?
I'm very unsure about where I am going in this life or the next. Whatever, I have rambled on long enough. Thank you all so much for the support. I am actually feeling better now, I've almost stopped crying. Mom says that it's okay to cry. I think so too.
Love to all of you. THANK YOU!

[Buttons2]

OK, this is what struck me this time. What do you feel ashamed of? Attempting suicide? It's been so many years since my attempts that I really can't recall if I felt ashamed or not. Nobody knew except my husband & of course the neighbors when the ambulance came. I had a beautiful son & was pregnant with my second son!

I will say this: never feel shame for depression! We have no control over it! We can seek couseling & try medication,but ultimately we have to deal with the demons the best we can. Keep from falling into the black pit! What works for one might not for another!

You have a nice home,great fiance,beautiful kids. So you must be beating yourself up wondering why you aren't content right? I suspect this all goes way back to childhood,not feeling worthy of good things in life.

You mention faith. Are you active in any religion right now? Does your religion make you feel guilty? Do you see your actions as being unforgivable? Were you taught that suicide is a sin?

Therapy, well this can go well or not-depends on the therapist! I suggest you shop around,if you can't establish trust from the beginning then go to someone else.Remember they are only human,no different than we are,just have training in dealing with complex issues. If you leave after an hour feeling worse than when you went in.......don't give up! Find another therapist!

Have you tried anti-depressants? Here again, they are not all the same,what works for one person might not for another.

I have a question for you-are you the oldest child in your family? Is your step-father still in your life?

You were abused as a child,this is something you must deal with in order to get on with your adult life. To find peace & happiness. The self-worth I mentioned before. Don't beat yourself up about not ever finishing what you start,there are reasons for this behavior & it doesn't mean it's set in stone.

Any good therapist should also provide you with books to read for insight,maybe even some workbooks for you to study in between therapy sessions.

Do you have any hobbies? Pets? The more you fill your life with activities the less time you have to dwell on being lonely,or thinking of what just happened.

Hope some of this will be helpful.......HUGS,Buttons

[Lara]

Hi Buggirl,
I don't have much time right this minute to write more, so am just going to say that I'm glad to see you're getting some counselling and that you have a supportive fiance and family.

you wrote "I guess all I can do is continue to move forward and ask for help when things start getting shaky. That's one thing I'm beginning to realize about myself. I usually take on everyone else's problems and swallow them along with my own. After awhile they build up and I break."

Well, that sounds all too familiar to many of us I'm certain and you're so right. You actually sound very in tune or aware with yourself and that is a very good thing indeed. It'll help you work through this difficult time.

Thinking of you and hoping for better days for you and some answers. Hope the therapy/counselling goes well for you. Take care of yourself.

[mama sue]

Just wanted to send some hugs your way. Hope you are having a good day today.

Hello to all my friends!!!!! This is truly a life saving site and I love you all

[buggirl5799]

Thank you all for giving me so much love. I know that you do not know me or anything, but I have felt very welcomed here and I very much appreciate it. My dear fiance is home for the weekend (he works out of town alot), and I have shown him this website. So from time to time he may come here and may post under my name. It's okay to talk to him. He's such a wonderful soul. He is several years younger than me, but he's an old soul and very much beyond his years. Welcome him as you all have welcomed me.
Mama Sue, Thank you so much for your honesty. I cannot even imagine your own pain, and yet, you feel the need to embrace 'poor me'. I do not take what I have done to myself lightly. Do not misunderstand me, I only try to use humor to make myself feel a little better.
I will try to post every day and hopefully I will learn something, maybe something I can pass on to someone else in my own situation. Thank you for all of the love-I will 'pay it forward'.
BUG

[Lara]

I hope the week has been a kind one for you Bug.
Just passing by and wanted to check how things were going.
Take care there.

[Buttons2]

Hope you are having a good time with your fiance this weekend. Stay safe!
HUGS,Buttons

[buggirl5799]

Hey all!

Thanks for all of the support. It has been going very well. I have had a few moments where I wish I could disappear but those moments were short-lived. I have been getting a lot of support from my family and the few friends that know what happened.

I have to reply to the person (sorry, forgot who, exactly, wrote it-got cardiac on the brain right now) who could not believe I was ashamed for what I did to myself...

I am ashamed because it put a tremendous hurt on the ones that do love me. I was raised to sweep all of the ugly things in our lives under the rug and try our best to forget about it, rather than face it head on. I try not to be ashamed of who and what I am, but my upbringing will not allow me to accept who and what I am; which I believe is the root of all the is wrong with me. I have never loved myself, or even liked myself. I know that I am a good person, but I have such a hard time believing in myself. Geez, I'm so dang complicated sometimes. My dear fiance is so simple. Not simple minded. Just easy going. Really easy going. Stress has zero effect on him. If something comes up-he just trucks along and moves on. I wallow in my stress. Can't help it much-come from a long line of high strung females. I try very hard to let stuff roll off, but sometimes it just doesn't quite roll off the way I want it to. It gets stuck and screams at me.

Anyway, I am feeling better for now. My grades are a little better than ok; which means I'm doing a little better than some folks in my class. I am trying a new thing. I verbalize something every day that I am grateful for, no matter how mundane it is. I also verbalize it to my kids (6 and 8 years old). Hopefully they will take this little cue from me and carry it on with them also.

Today I am grateful for all of the wonderful people in this forum that put their hearts on their sleeves to help total strangers get through the day with a sense of peace and belonging. Hugs, y'all.
BUG

[Buttons2]

Bug, glad for your reply. I want to invite you to join a thread under the emotional support forum,it's called "What are the little things...." this thread keeps some of us going in a positive direction. The point is to list 5 things we are grateful for or that make us happy. It's not always an easy thing to do!

Good for you in making high marks in school!

Now,what you didn't mention was therapy. How is that going?

I will keep coming back to the sexual abuse.Why? Cause it's something you have to deal with. In my opinion it's the basis for your lack of self-esteem.

Let me state a few facts about my own self: I already mentioned I was molested when I was 5yr old. I told my parents & was ignored. This began a lifetime of being ignored,like my feelings didn't matter. Shut up & live with it. This was in every aspect of my life. So there went the trust. There went my feeling of self-worth. How could I love myself if nobody else seemed to? I believe we are conditioned to love,we aren't just born with it. Same with hate. We learn what we are taught. When we're not felt to be loved & cherished we turn our own feelings inside. Who wants to be rejected?

When parents & family ignore sexual abuse where does that leave us? Yes, we bury it-what else can we do? We might even feel shameful about it,was it our fault? So we grow up thinking we're somehow flawed. And why bother trying to achieve if nothing we do will be praised anyway? Or we become over-achievers,always striving to prove our worth.

Nobody can give us self-esteem. We have to find it for ourselves. Finally decide that we do matter. And we deserve to be happy. We carry alot of scars,the pain that nobody can see.

I've met so many abused women over the years that's it's mind boggling! Once it comes out in a conversation it's appalling to realize how many have suffered for years in silence! Why? Cause they were ashamed? Cause when they told it was "swept under the rug" as you said? Cause it might force someone to take legal action? Cause it would be a disgrace to the family?

All of the above are are scenerios played out every single day! It's like someone stole your soul & how are you to get it back? Someone stole your innocence,that can never be gotten back! Someone didn't put YOU first and no matter how many years go by-this will always be a fact in your life.

As a little girl I had the right to expect my parents to protect me & cherish me. That didn't happen. My mother could have left,just taken her abused little girl and gone. But she didn't. My father could have beat up his brother,had him thrown in jail,or at the very least shunned from the family. None of this happened.

And aside from what abuse does to the individual,I feel we have a moral obligation to report abuse,let them suffer for their actions. One big reason is that a child molestor or rapist doesn't stop at one victim! My uncle went to prison twice for rape!

My parents never did "get it". If they weren't elderly I would probably blow up at them even after all these years.....just to get the poison out of my own system. I did take some action (just this year as a matter of fact). I wrote them a letter. I cried my eyes out the entire time I was writing the letter. I wrote all the ugly stuff in my mind all these years. Alot came out besides the sexual abuse. I went through my entire childhhood. Being left alone as a child,never being encouraged,ending up as the built-in babysitter when my siblings came along 9 & 11 yrs later. Always being told NO,without an explanation. Never getting any affection. Constantly being criticized. Being teased & made fun of. I had too many responsibilities from age 9 on. And I felt I had to be responsible,who else was going to do it? I always felt my life didn't matter.

I wrote the letter,reread it over several days,then burned it. It did help. I wish I'd had the knowledge years ago that I have today. I would have probably left my family behind & never looked back. This is exactly what my aunt did! I recently began having contact with her & learned my other uncle had raped her when she was a teenager! I can't say I was shocked,but I was stunned to find this out after over 50 yrs!

Bug, you need to get this out of your system. Learn as much about it as possible. Bring it out in the open. Share with other family members. You're trying to paint the perfect picture......the wonderful fiance,the mother that gave you a beautiful home,the perfect children. What about under the surface? You're trying to prove your own worth.

Now one more thing,look at yourself in the mirror everyday & say you are a good person,you deserve happiness & peace,you are HAPPY to be alive!

You mentioned your trouble right now with your spirtual being,what ideas have you come up with to connect with your God?

Please keep in touch,we do care. And there are other people reading this that might benefit also.

HUGS,Buttons

[mama sue]

To all of you!!!!!!!!!!

[buggirl5799]

Hey All,
Having a horrible night. Can't sleep, again. I broke a tooth a week ago (deathly fear of dentists, cannot believe I still HAVE teeth, lol) and hurts like hell. Fiancee being horrible. Deer hunting season opened this weekend and I'm supposed to be "okay" with it. He's been leaving me alone a lot the last several months. Be it work (which I understand) or on the weekends (which I don't understand), I'm still lonely. I used to be great on my own. But now since my last "episode", I'm not. BTW, we got it figured out. My potassium got really low (2.9), combined with a low magnesium, caused some kind of siezure. That's why I could not remember what happened or why. Sounds like bull sh*t, sorry, I don't want it to.

I'm terribly scared about what happened. I have a daily reminder on the inside of my forearm, so I stress about that.

I feel awful because my problems aren't as bad as some out there. I can deal with what I have had given to me in life for the most part.

A friend read my cards the other day (Tarot) and I was told that everything would be alright. I've got another obstacle to cross, but I would come out ahead 'cause I'm one tough chickie:D . I believe that obstacle will be the hysterectomy I have to have. I'm holding out until December, after I graduate so I don't miss any time in school. So important that I don't miss anything. Very intense until December.

But in the meantime, feeling very, very low. I don't tell anyone I feel this way. Just suck it up.

I'm very thankful for this site. I can let loose and not be judged, which is my biggest fear.
Hugs and love to all that need and want them. I know how you all feel. It's a hard knock life, so says Annie and JayZ.
Be strong y'all. People you don't even know, even though you may have met them face to face, love you, feel your pain. Life is a huge circle. Always regenerating. Always changing. There may be something, maybe exactly what you are searching for on the go-round. Be patient, it may not be your turn just yet. But it will come, my love. It will come. I LOVE YOU.*kiss
Bug

[mama sue]

{{{BUG}}}
So sorry to hear you are having a difficult time :( I know how much harder things seems when you are not getting any sleep to boot. Hang in there sweet one and know that we are all here for you.