1 month today

[mama sue]

I can't believe that it has been a month today. At 1 am the love of my life will have been gone from me for a month. This is so NOT real. Is it? How can this be? I keep waiting for him to call. Is this wierd? I have so many emotions that I never experienced with the loss of my boys. Why is this so different? Why, why, why can't I believe this? Someone PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSATND!

Bob, why did you leave me? Why did you give up? Why?!!!!! I miss you, I love you and all I wanted was for you to get well. I never wanted to leave you, I felt so unsafe. I know that you didn't want to hurt me. I don't believe that you wanted to die either. If you could just give me some sign that you are ok now. I don't know what I will do without you. I can't stop the tears. Should I even post this? Maybe someone out there will understand.

[Lara]

(((mama sue)))

Dear dear Sue,
I'm glad you posted. Many people will understand how you must be feeling right now. Suicide is such a shocking tragedy. It leaves so many questions and so many feelings for those who are left behind like you are right now. I honestly wish I could tell you that one day it will all make sense, but sadly I can't say that. What I can tell you is that you need to get some comfort for yourself right now so that you can climb your way through this awful time. You need to hold on as hard as it feels to do that right now.

Do you have any support groups in your area that you know about? Hold on to the rope that we're all sending out to you. Keep holding on and we'll all do our best to walk you through this awful time. There are many, many people who care so much about you, Sue. Just hold on there and please do get some counselling assistance if you can as soon as possible. You've lost more in your lifetime than anyone could possibly imagine and for that reason (and I don't mean to sound too blunt here by saying this... forgive me if I do) you need to get some professional help to see you through this at the same time. Talk here as much as you want. It's the reason this forum is here, but if I was in your circumstances right now, and knowing the losses that you've already endured, I would be running not walking as fast as I can to talk to a grief counsellor of some kind. Grief and blame go hand in hand especially when a loved one has left us this way. Don't blame yourself. Easier said than done I know and you would be having those thoughts going round and round in your head all the time every day I'm sure, but Sue, it is not your fault that this happened. The circumstances might make you feel that way and that's natural but you have to make sure that little imp in your mind that keeps telling you it's your fault... well you have to fight that really hard because you are not to blame. No matter what.

(((Sue))) Thinking of you. Actually I check everyday to see if you've posted somewhere on these forums. I bet you wouldn't have known that, hey? I bet lots of other people have been checking for your posts as well.

[mama sue]

Lara~
Thank you for your kindness and helpful words. I know it's not my fault, but I can't keep from the what ifs. I have talked to a counsellor and she is helping me get set up with a group that will be of more help. Thank you for your care and concern. I feel that BT is my lifeline right now and I'm so glad that I can come here and share my heart. Thank you for that support.

Love Sue

[Lara]

I'm glad you've found the counsellor and hopefully there will be a group in your area to help. My friend Alffe, who used to post here would probably be able to help in finding a group in your area if you have any problems doing that. Just shout out if you need any help finding resources. I'm in Australia so it's not possible for me to personally know of any, but I'm sure that others would be able to help in that regard.
Keep talking. It truly can be a life-saver.

*hug

[Dented Angel/Lisa]

Calling you later today, my friend.

XOXOXO
Lisa

[Buttons2]

Sue, I just got on my 'puter & need to catch up on yesterday's posts. I just want you to know that I think of you everyday & wish I could speed up the healing process but I know that's just not possible.

Also glad to hear you have been to a grief counselor. I'm at a loss for the right words to say to you!

I believe it's good to get it out,and we are here for you so vent away! Cry all the tears you need to! Tears are a release.....let them flow.

*hug
Buttons

[AllUpInMyHead]

I have people in my family who know how it feels, I guess.

My maternal grandfather committed suicide at age 48 (Grandma was 46 at the time, and they were more or less happily married). His children were 25, 22 (my mother), 19, and 17. I was 2 years old at the time, and this is why I never got to meet Grandpa. I didn't even find out he was a suicide until my father told me 3 years ago (I was 21 by then!), since my mom was hiding that fact from me.

However, Mom and I, both perhaps as mentally ill (or moreso!) as Grandpa was, have derived strength and courage from his death, promising ourselves to never do what he did. Ever since I learned of how Grandpa died, each time suicidal thoughts cross my mind (which happens in a serious manner a few times each year), I fight to keep them out of my head, since I know what suicide can do to a family. I attempted suicide at least 3 times in my life, and God willing, will never do anything like that again.

I know you probably feel weak right now, but in your case, I hope that you can in some way derive strength from your beloved's untimely death. I don't know his reasons for committing suicide (and I won't ask as I respect your privacy), but I do assume that you yourself know not to leave this earth by your own hand for those reasons or any other.

I do think (with all formality) that you should seek peer and/or professional support. As survivors of suicide (figuratively and literally in the case of attempts) and those who care about survivors, we are here to help. However, I find personally that face-to-face interaction with similar survivors (or such interaction with any support group for any other reason) trumps online interaction. Also, the help of a certified professional is warranted, because quite frankly, most of us here don't have that much experience with grief counseling, especially for suicide survivors.

I'll keep my thoughts with you, as I know a little about how it feels, and may Bob rest in peace.

[Buttons2]

(well almost),Sue how are you doing? Sorry to hear that the open house didn't go well. Hope this isn't causing even more stress.

Have you gone to the support group? If so I hope it turned out to be worthwhile.

I think Bob's BD was Sunday? I know it must have been a hard weekend for you.

HUGS,Buttons

[mama sue]

hi Buttons~
yes, I went to my first support group on Monday. There were only four people so that was nice for me. It was hard, but good. Yes, Bob would have been 44 on Sunday. <sigh> I just can't believe that he's gone. Still just taking it a day at a time. How are you?

[Buttons2]

Sue, you always ask how I am,well I have no trauma to deal with like you are going through! Glad you made the leap into the support group. Do they meet once a week?

I know it's tacky to say this,but I really feel that TIME is the only healer with death. And give yourself alot of it. Day by day as the saying goes. Your
entire world has been shattered,it will be awhile before you can glue back the pieces.Make everyday count for something positive.

HUGS Buttons

[mama sue]

Buttons~
We all have our own trauma which is what brought us together. I care about you and appreciate your friendship. :) The support group only meets twice a month, which is ok for now. I'm going to try and get some individual counseling I think.

I don't think it is tacky to say TIME is the healer. I know in my head that time will make it seem less intense, but in my heart..........that's another story.

I've met a few people here that I've been hanging out with. Gloria, who I work with and Kris, a friend of Glorias. They have been very good friends to me. I've never had a guy friend before. Kris has a heart of gold, I can certainly understand why he and Glo are such good friends. All in all I think I'm doing relatively ok.

Take care {{{HUGS}}}