Relative with TBI being abused by wife

[Tat-Roo]

I do not wish to have a story to tell, but I do. My close relative is in his 8th month of living with the results of a Traumatic Brain Injury. I believe it is the result of undiagnosed depression.

Long, long, long story short; his wife does not love him and has not loved him for a long time. She has cut off his family (mother, aunts, uncles, cousins)and his friends from seeing him. She is keeping him locked in the lower level of their home. She has kept his wallet and cellphone from him.

His brain injury has affected his initiative and memory. He does not like his living conditions, but he does not seem to be able to change them. At home, he failed to remember to take out the trash, so he can't watch TV. The phone has been removed from his area. We don't know if he has access to books - which he devours.Family attorneys and counselors say that the wife has all the power and there is nothing any of us can do - unless abuse is witnessed. No one has access to him at home to witness it. How do I know what is happening? He has been able to tell his therapists these few things.He is going to therapy twice a week. She cut out the third visit per week.

We have read that the first two years of recovery are the most important. He is alone most of the time. He has a family (I'm not referring to his immediate family - wife and kids) that loves him and would absolutely care for him as much as possible. Especially, to facilitate the best recovery chances possible.

This is my first forum - posting - etc ever. His mother is hitting walls when trying to find out how to help him. I cannot answer WHY the wife is like this - I just need to find out if there are any options for 1) us getting access to him 2) any agency looking into this situation (the rehab only listens to the wife and tells her everything we ask or say to the therapists) 3) getting him away from his wife!

Thanks.

Tat_roo

[moose53]

I don't know what state you live in; but, there must be some sort of abuse hotline that you can call to report suspected abuse or neglect. If you don't know the name of the agency off the top of your head, call the police department business number and tell them what you want to report.

She doesn't have to be beating the living daylights out of the guy to be abusing him or neglecting him. Preventing him from going to doctors' appointments. Preventing him from seeing relatives. That's abuse. Not letting a man speak to his family or friends is abuse.

You better be pretty sure about what you are asserting. You don't know what the implications will be. If they do find a problem in the home, they may remove him and put him somewhere else.

Or, one of his family members that truly CARES about him might want to step in and take over his care.

If you can get a social service agency in there to evaluate the situation, it'll probably help him in the long run. Unless, he's not willing to complain about the situation.

I wish you luck. It's a hard call to make.

My husband and I had a tenant that was beating his wife every night and beating his 6-month old baby. He apparently wasn't beating the 3 older kids, but, they heard things no kid should ever hear. You HAVE TO step in when you know someone's being mistreated.

Hugs.

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/holding-hands.gif

PS: I have a particular interest in traumatic brain injury because I have a friend with TBI. I'm good at research -- if you want me to hunt up the agency for you, just send me an instant message with your location. I know how to keep my mouth shut.

[Kevin Jackson]

Now thats a bad trip:mad: .
It seems to me what your saying, has been going on for a while. Recordings cann't be used in court unless they know of it. So I've been told. But I do know it can be used to show creitibillity;) .
I myself cut my family alose long ago. But I have found a better here. Since I've come home, If you don't have four leggs and a tail. I don't realy deal with you. Well Its kept me sane and outsiders safe(veitnam vet)
Family and loved oneds can do a lot of damage, cause they know how to. Involement is a tricky thing;) . Be carefull:)
;)

[Tat-Roo]

I don't know where to start.

My relative's mother received a call from the daughter-in-law (DIL) two days ago - saying "she wanted her life back, she didn't have a marriage, she didn't have any help from our side of the family (uh - we were banned from having any contact with him) and she can't do it anymore. She will contact a lawyer to seek a divorce".

She arrived within hours of the phone call with 5 - 6 small garbage bags of some of his clothes, a handful of toilettries, no meds and no ID. She left and returned with his cellphone - that he hadn't seen from the night of his accident - his electric razor and meds. Again, NO ID. We told her, but she insists that it is with his stuff. She asked her mother-in-law (MIL) if she wanted my relative to live with her, and she said yes. The DIL then said "Goodbye (name)". With that, she started her weekend, and for the upcoming Labor Day weekend. How convenient :)

My relative had no idea where he was going when he got into the vehicle. They headed down the road to his mother's house and he jokingly asked if they were going to his mom's. Then they turned into the driveway.

After the DIL left, the MIL and myself sat down with my relative to ask him if he knew what had just happened. He told us the information in the paragraph above. He did say that she had mentioned divorce that day. We only told him the information that had been given to us by her that day. We asked him questions, tried to find out what he understood about the events, and his state of mind. This all seems very sudden and definitely not permanent to him. The DIL left no doubt in our mind that it is indeed permanent. She left him like a stray cat with it's litterbox and a box of food.

We are cautiously joyful. This DIL is a control freak, selfish, heartless, and a bully. Otherwise, we are elated to be in the company of our relative! We love him so much! We have had a great weekend. We went to the library, shopping, and watched Mr. Bean DVDs. We have laughed, hugged and smiled so much our cheeks hurt. Today we had a very nice dinner of filet steaks, salad, baked potatoes and cake! He wanted filet - so he got it.

It will take all factions of our family to pull together to take care of him, but we are willing. We still need information. He has a major surgery after labor day, so much has to happen before then. Thank you for listening - reading and keeping us in mind.

We don't have a lawyer, yet. Hard to get hold of anyone on a Friday afternon. We anticipate that DIL will not expect to part with anything - leaving him with only his disablilty check (which has not started arriving yet) and his COBRA insurance payment - which are pretty much equal. His mom is retired and arthritic. He worked hard all his life to provide his wife and family with a really nice house, boat, car, van, huge TV - things that need to be converted to cash and go toward his care and rehab.

There you go. Please send good energy toward us in finding a good and affordable lawyer.

<whew>

Tat_roo

[moose53]

Oh, my G-d ((((((Tat-Roo)))))) :eek:

I believe The Universe guides us to where we need to go next. Sometimes The Universe merely whispers; sometimes The Universe SHOUTS. Apparently, The Universe intervened BIG TIME in this one. This is my "Official Happy Dance"!!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/GIFS/happy-dance-moose-9.gif

I've seen families SHARE all the responsibilities of taking care of a family member. Someone to buy bread. Someone to take him for haircuts. If you guys split up everything and each do a little. None of you will get physically or mentally or financially overwhelmed. And, you all get to spend some time with a very dear man :cool:

Now, I'm no expert in anything. Every time I've ever gone to court I've lost. But, this sounds to me like she abandoned him. I don't think it's OK legally or morally to just drop someone off without their meds and without making sure that the care is all arranged for someone who's sick. What about his medical records?? Like you said, the house, the car and everything. I don't know the laws in your state, but, I think you can't just say "I quit" and grab everything and walk away from someone who's not capable of taking care of himself. I would expect: split the marital properties, alimony, and probably much more. Maybe continue health and life insurance for him??

What a beautiful way to start another season. I'm Jewish and we're getting close to starting the New Year. I like to think that your relative is getting a clean start on a new year -- a better year :D

I wish you could see how BIG I'm grinning -- this is so fantastic.

If you live in a small town, I would talk with the selectmen (or the mayor) and see if they can recommend a GOOD divorce lawyer -- someone that can protect his rights for now but also guarantee that his future is protected. I think if you talk with a few reputable people in your town, you'll see one or two names turn up repeatedly. That's who you'll want to hire. You want to guarantee that your relative's future rights are protected. No one knows how a TBI will turn out 10 - 20 years from. Because of her marriage vows, she's committed morally (if not legally) to share in his care.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/GIFS/ecstatic-pdc.gif BIG HUGS.

Barb

[Tat-Roo]

Thank you Moose53 for your help in getting contact numbers for the Adult Protective Services. They were able to give us some direction of what to do immediately. We have had a very full week. The wife turned up with his ID Tuesday. We have filed all the papers we need. He has surgery scheduled next week for the plate to be put in his skull to cover his brain. It should have been done during the third month following his accident, but wife didn't arrange it.

We spent all day yesterday at an amusement park. We had a great time. My relative is relaxed, and becoming more comfortable expressing his opinion. He has been trained not to have one. More and more stories are coming to light from him about what he has endured over the years. Wow...what goes on behind closed doors is frightening. Sure does make the power of marriage a scary thing when in the wrong hands.

Just an update.

Tat-Roo.

[Kashis]

There is a group on this sight under domestic abuse maybe you can find help there I also got my tbi from abuse so I totally understand as far as getting help he needs the law sometimes stinks totally and the new privacy laws are making it immpossible to find out about family members do you know who his doctor is I would try to start there as signs of abuse would be shown if the doctor sees him this is an awful storie and I am just heartbroken and hope you also post this storie in the domestic violence group

Its hard to prove dv and the cops really are not helping due to the goverment us that are abused are left abused so to say I hate it I am now a survivor but still this is devestating to me so close to home

there are people fighting to stop this so those that need help can get it but its tough try the senators since and election year maybe they can guide you to help or anyone running for goverment places I so wish I had answers having tbi and being alone with an abusive person is just nuts especially when you can't defend yourself or have enough strenghth to get out GOD BLESS AND I WILL PRAY

[Kashis]

I due to tbi didn't read all the posts but just caught this last one and I am greatful I can't comprehend much so its tough for me I am sorry for being so far behind

[Tat-Roo]

Hello.

It has been almost a year since our relative came into our care. He had surgery to cover the hole in his skull the first week in Sept 07. The surgery set him back considerably. However, I am pleased to report that he has recovered and seemed to make great strides after about 8 months or around March of this year.

He no longer requires a cane to walk. He has a fairly normal sleeping schedule. He still loves to read and is very social. His limitations are his short term memory and his capacity to judge how much time has passed. Sometimes, he thinks he has been living with his mom for a "few months".

We are happy to have him in our lives. His divorce is not final, and as suspected, his wife is trying to make it as difficult as possible even though she has moved on and is dating someone now.

Last night, I was watching a special report by Bob Woodruff. His TBI happened in 2007 and I watched any and all reports of his recovery with great curiosity and hope. In this report on China, he was speaking fluent Chinese (i don't know what flavor) and seemed on top of his game. It was a joy to watch.

Here's to all who have supported us from afar and near. Best of luck and total healing to all. Thank you.

Now...I headed to find the M.S. forum as my brother has taken a turn for the worse and is really suffering.

Love.

Tat-Roo!

[moose53]

((((((Tat-Roo!)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/huggiebears.gif

I'm glad 'things' seem to be going so well for your relative. I'm glad you guys were willing to step up to the plate and take this man into your lives.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I know he's got the best sort of people surrounding him with support and love and caring. I'll add my prayers that your family, working with his doctors, can find a way to ease his suffering.

Thank you for being such a wonderful, caring, supportive person -- the world needs a lot more people like you. BIG HUGS.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holding-hands.gif

[brainandspinalcord]

Wow it was so great to be able to read over the progression of your situation!
I help to run a website on TBI (http://www.brainandspinalcord.org) and I was going to direct you there for more information on how to cope, latest treatments, etc. but you seem to be doing pretty well! If you do stop by, please feel free to give us any comments or suggestions to help make the site more valuable to TBI survivors and their families, we are a relatively new site and need all the input we can get!
(just a disclaimer, there are no ads anywhere on the site, it's purely for support.)
Congrats with the amazing progress your relative is making, you're doing a great job!