mom lives with us

[Kristina]

Hi everyone,

Well I think it's time to get my dilemma out there. My mom who is 70 yrs old has M.S. She was diagnosed in '86. My father died in '91 due to complications of M.D. He was only 57 yrs old. I am the middle daughter and have been by mom's side since dad died. Mom was well taken care of by dad and has needed assisstant in making the important descisions (i.e., $, etc.)

Mom has been living with me, my husband, and my autistic son for almost 2 years now. Mom gave us some $ to build on our home an apartment for her. She and I had developed a close bond and I feel having my son with his unique disabilities has been a blessing and a curse in relating with my mom. I am very in the 'here and now' and mom isn't, she loves her denial. But it has become a sorse of contention between us and I just want to run away. I am very tired. The three of us sat down before this all went into effect and discussed the living arangement, etc. My husband is a Phycian Assisst with almost 30 yrs experience and he and I take a very active approuch in regards to our health. Mom doesn't.....She said she wanted to, tho that was in the beginning. She said alot of things in the beginning and now everything has changed. OK fine, it's her life, I get that.....but she askes me to do things that are very difficult, (i.e. not picking her up off the floor when I find her there. She expects me to just walk away.) That is only 1 excample. I know she has some cognitive issues going on due to the M.S. We sent her to a neuro-psycologist and the dr comfirmed that but with that said, I find myself getting HER mad at me for something I said. I know she is tired and frustrated herself but I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do and this is very confusing for me and I'm so tired of everything.

I know I'm rambuling on and on.....Can anyone help me with the coarse to take that's appropriate?

Thanks for 'listening', Kristina

[Leeaelle]

Hello dear Kristina ~ First, may I say that you and your husband are two very special people?

Secondly, I was a caretaker too but it was for my late husband who was ill with cancer so I know how trying it can be.

I don't know exactly how cognizant your dear Mom is, so it's kind of hard to assess. But there DOES come a point where you end up becoming the "mother" figure. She doesn't want you to pick her up off the floor? Well, darn it, she can't just sit/lay there as, for one thing, it's inconvenient for others for her to BE there, so like it or not she's going to HAVE to be picked up! ;) Sometimes we have to risk making them mad at us, but they get over it. They know they need us and they also know they LOVE us ~ and deep down they know that we're right. :)

One of the problems is that THEY'RE going thru a grieving process ~ they're grieving for their former selves and what may lie ahead. They don't know how to handle the grief and don't want to dump it on anyone else so they try to handle it alone. Trouble is, it ends up causing mayhem in the family. They either shrink into a cocoon or snap at everyone/everything or refuse any type of help, etc. They try to hang onto this former "self" for dear life, even tho this person doesn't exist anymore and the new person needs assistance. Our job is to see that their dignity is held intact and what freedom and privacy they have is respected as long as they aren't in jeopardy.

I can tell by your post that you ARE tired and I can definitely see why!!!! In our county/state there are programs for respite care for such situations. You might call your county's Social Services Dept. and see if you may qualify for such services so you and your husband can get away on a regular basis!!! You BOTH need time away and time TOGETHER. This is a very trying time and can be hard on any relationship. Be good to each other and even call on friends/family for some time out. You can't do this 24/7, 365 days a year. God bless and my prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee

[The Dude]

OK fine, it's her life, I get that.....but she askes me to do things that are very difficult, (i.e. not picking her up off the floor when I find her there. She expects me to just walk away.)Well she may be trying to regain her strength and feels that when you help her its an insult and she doesnt like it......

IT IS NOT AN INSULT,YOU ARE HER DAUGHTER AND LOVE HER AND CANT STAND TO SEE WHATS HAPPENING....

God bless you....I will pray now :)

[tamiloo]

My husband was also diagnosed with MS in 1986. This past July we finally talked my Mom into moving in with us. It has been a challenge.

Getting use to and respecting each others space has been hard.

When ever my husband tells me not to help him with something that I know he can't do I say...your going to take the blessing of caring for you away from me? He usually lets in and because he really has no other choice.

[Kristina]

Hello,

I am back.......and everythings going ok w/mom and all, (paying her bills, dr.s appts, you get the idea!)

You know,......thank you for your kind words.

The power of words fasinate me at times......what a blessing a few strangers make. The hubby and I are manageing better these days. We did have a minor interrupption tho. His mother died Oct. 8th and we had to fly to Ohio for her funeral. (We live in Calif.) And through all this, it made me thing harder re/my mom.

Thank you again, kind strangers. You will be hearing from me again, I may need you guys!

Kristina

[joy]

Hello Kristina, Well it is good to hear from you again. I did reply at first but did follow with interest. I am so glad that things are better now.

And tamiloo, I recognise you too and it is also good to hear from you as well. Sounds like you have a neat way of helping also and don't have to be pushy with it either. ;)

[Kristina]

Yes, I am still here.

I have a new development in MY life tho. I may have thyroid cancer.

And I'm feeling very bitter towards my 'sane (little) sister'. My older sister is no help in regards to mom. She's on morphine and can't do much.

Little sis won't talk to me, why?, well I'm not sure. I'm a 'take action' kind of person and I think she fells threated by me.

The million $ question is: How do I get "little sis" to help?

[IrishSugar]

Wow this is very interesting. Alot of what Lee said is VERY true, I've lost myself. I am a caregiver for my MIL (2yrs). She has Dementia and has the sweetest personality except when she doesn't get her way lol. Then she either crys or pouts. She just turned 88 in Oct. and alot of the problem I've cause myself. Spoiling her to try to make up for her lost independence. At times she can't even remember my name. I also have a son who is Bi-Polar (it's controlled at this time) and his IQ is one point above retarded. My hubby and I usually take Saturday mornings by ourselves. We did manage to even get a vacation this year too.

Kristina I understand where your coming from though. I'm so scared to let anyone take care of her but then I get to feeling like my husbands family should at least offer to take her to lunch. They think she should be put in a nursing home. What makes it all easier to deal with is how much she loves, needs, appreciates and depends on me. Your not alone.

Teresa

[joy]

Kristina I hate to hear that you have more health problems. The stress that you were under already was more than enough to have to try and deal with. Do you have a definite answer to that thyroid scare yet? I really don't know how to get you help from your sister. It might be worth looking into getting help from other places. Have you checked out whether your mother qualifies for help from places like area on aging? I was fortunate enough to get a bit of help for my mother at a time when I needed it desperately. I hope if your little sis continues to refuse to talk to you that you can put it all out of your mind! I know this sounds cruel but it may be necessary for you to try and do this if for no other reason than your own self preservation. Please keep us informed here and let us try and give you a bit of emotional support.

IrishSugar welcome. It is good that you have found us as well. You are a special person and your MIL recognises this in you. No wonder as you have lots of practice being a caregiver. Please keep trying to find that special time to have with your husband. You deserve it and maybe it will help you continue beng the good caregiver that I just know you are.

[IrishSugar]

Joy I think I'm the lucky one being able to take care of my MIL. She is so wonderful. I never had much of a mother or a grandmother so she is both all rolled up in one.
Kristina your time alone or with you DH is sooo important not just for you honey but for your mom. Your a better caregiver if you take care of yourself mentally and physically. I was feeling grippy and cornered this week but my DH and I got out for about 4 hrs and then I put my MIL on the back patio and tied my horse close and just brushed her from her head to her tail. Life is good again and the stress I felt all last week is gone.

[Daisy]

Yes, I am still here.

I have a new development in MY life tho. I may have thyroid cancer.

And I'm feeling very bitter towards my 'sane (little) sister'. My older sister is no help in regards to mom. She's on morphine and can't do much.

Little sis won't talk to me, why?, well I'm not sure. I'm a 'take action' kind of person and I think she fells threated by me.

The million $ question is: How do I get "little sis" to help?

The key is you really can't "get" anyone to take responsiblity in these situations. I ended up stepping up to take my mother's place in helping my Aunt care for my grandmother who eventually ended up in a nursing home facility. Even while being in the home there were lots of meetings, decisions that had to be made, problems with finances that had to be handled. My mother "opted out" except to cause trouble when she could.

The truth is while someone had to step in to help my Aunt because she couldn't handle it on her own, nobody forced me to do it. I couldn't "make" my mother take responsiblity for her mother and I couldn't get any of my numerous siblings to help either. Since there were no resources after her death this fall, there were no rewards for either those who helped or didn't help along the way. I did it because she had been truly good and kind to me my whole life and it was out of repect I owed it to her to make sure she was well cared for and she had everything she needed.

[joy]

Kristina how are things going for you now?

[Kristina]

Hi yall and Happy Holidays.

My husband and I have been traveling alittle seeing his long lost family. Actually it was quite refreshing for me to see 'loving family members enjoy each other'. Something I'm not around these days with my family.:(

We've decided to move mom in a medical assissted facility. There is a 1 1/2 year waiting list so it's not going to be tomorrow, and that's ok with me. Mom is not happy and my little sis is 'shocked' according to my mom. My husband and I feel that there are so many issues that have come up that we are not equipt to deal with in regards to her care. We believe demetia is an issue and we feel my son, (the autistic son) is feeling the tention in the home and is reacting to it, to name a few. I do know she is in contact with her attorney regarding her rights and her $ she spent for her living space in our home. We feel it will get messy before the move. Get my drift?

I also have my thyriod cancer surgury scheduled Jan. 3rd. Mom will be at the assissted living facility that she was living in prior to moving in with us, for the month of Jan., so we can have the house to our selves.

Other than that, life is peachy!!:rolleyes:

I'll be in touch.

[joy]

Hi Kristina. Let me wish you well on your upcoming surgery. Please let us know as soon as you can how you are doing after it if at all possible.

I am glad that you and your husband got to do some traveling together. And especially happy that the family visits sounded very nice. I know you are doing what is best for your family and hopefully your mother will come around. It is very hard dealing with so many unsettling factors in life at times. Hopefully your mother is just having some petty feelings that will pass. My own mother did not want to go into a facility herself and did not live to actually do that very thing. Deep down it was killing me to have to do it as I know it is troubling you to have to make decisions we'd rather not. Many of us know how hard being a caregiver can be. It is very rewarding when things are going well and heartbreaking when it isn't. I was so relieved to find this place and for all the support strangers gave me whenever I needed to reach out for support.

[Kristina]

Thank you Joy for being interested in our deliema. I think being a caregiver for my mom has been the hardest thing I've done in my life. I think back to when my oldest son (autistic) was little and we were going thru what I call the 'hell years', I thought life was never going to be calm and manageable, but it did. My son is doing so well now.

I will keep you posted and thank you for caring.

[Kristina]

Hi all,

As you can see my thyroid surgery is postponed to the 17th. My surgeon had trouble finding an assisstant surgeon for my surgery. I had an artery that is in the way of the cancer and he needs a extra hand so he doesn't cut the artery.:eek: (that's comforting:o )

Life with mom just keeps getting crazier and crazier. This is just not working out. According to mom, little sis gave mom some info regarding her legal rights, the money we used to build her room onto our home and elder abuse. It just frys me to think that my sister, who only visits mom maybe 3-4 times a year and calls a couple times a month, thinks I'm this horrible person and that I've used mom and her $. What does she do for her? She brings her candy and some books to read. That's it!!!!! My sis still won't talk to me....you'd think she would, considering the new changes that are being made. I have asked mom for about a year now to talk to my sis to see if she can help me with her needs. Nothing.....

I'm thinking about having my mom live at the assissted living facilty indefinently. As I stated before she will be there for a month due to my surgery. We are at a loss......me and my DH.

Thanks for 'listening'.

[joy]

Hi Kristina. Well I hate that your sister is making all this trouble. And especially hate that mom is letting it cause trouble. I think maybe mom cannot be entirely held accountable for her feelings and actions. It is almost like she is a kid, isn't it? With dementia that is more truthful than I'd like to think. And it is my opinion if the person was a bit needy, or whatever word you want to insert here, it only gets worse when dementia of any kind enters the picture.

I say think it all over and try to dismiss sister completly from now own. She will never be helpful and will always try and keep the negative feelings etc. flowing I'm afraid. I know that I cannot know all that is going on. Even if you try and explain everything, it does not tell us just how bad things really are, I know, I've been there. ;) . So having said that, I'll just keep on offering my support, no matter what you decide. And I'm hoping you will be as right as rain after surgery but I can see how you might need to keep open options for yourself for now.

I will have my procedure done this upcoming week. I'm not al all sure it will be that helpful but this is a new doctor and he has to start somewhere. I wish only the best for you for your upocming surgery and I hope there is someone who can keep us updated on how you are doing. If you don't have someone at home who will post, do you have anyone here at BT that keeps in touch with you that will keep us updated?

[Kristina]

Joy, where do you live? I need a HUG!!!! (no, I'm not a crazy internet person:p )

You nailed it sister! How did you know? It must be because I'm NOT the only one in this mess, there are others out there like me? You so got the little kid part of my mom and being needy from the beginning too. Thank you, thankyou, thankyou, somebody gets me.......(I will dry my tears off my face now:( )

No I don't know anyone hear on the boards personally but I will be in touch after my surgery. I'll have the whole month without mom to myself. Mom is staying at a assissted living facility that she was living at a few years ago. I ask her to stay away 1 month if I need iodine-therapy after surgery. (you become radioactive and you 'glow' up to a week or so after.)

By the way, what procedure, if I may ask, are you having next week?

Thanks again Joy, for your kind and right on words. They REALLY made my day:D

[Daisy]

As hard as it is to deal with you have to almost see a dementia patient like you see a toddler when they are tired and cranky, you know they just can't control their actions at that point and while you see an adult body that should be able to the mind can't.

As for your sister, she sounds like my Mom. She drove me nuts with every decision and every step we took with my Gram. She didn't want the responsiblity, the financial burden, or any of the work involved with transfering my Gram from independent living to the Nursing Home but man did she have an opinion about everything and boy could she get Gram all stirred up. One of the most painful tantrums Gram could throw was when she'd tell me if your mother was here this would never have happened. I so badly wanted to retort if my mother was here she'd have let you die, but no she left me here to deal with it instead. Mom would show up once a year and act as if the rest of us were totally incompentant dealing with everything and we got in more fights to the point I ended up not speaking with my Dad until shortly before he died over it. So I do understand your frustration and pain.

The key is to make the decisions that keep your Mom safe. It sounds like you have done that. As far as the alterations to your home, it sounds like your Mom got the benefit of staying out of the nursing home in return for the alterations she made. You may want to consult with someone regarding what your rights/obligations are but the fact that your sister wasn't able/willing to care for your Mother and the fact that you have compelling health reasons why you are no longer physically able to care for you Mother should go a long way to dispelling rumors that your were participating in elderly abuse by separating your mother from her money to get home improvements done and then removing her from your home. It might not be a bad idea to have someone consult on figuring out how to handle the financial situation once Mom does return to nursing home life. I know when my Aunt and I were dealing with Gram's stuff it got to be challenging at times. If I had to do it again we definitly would have consulted a senior legal professional before she was ready for the nursing home to insure we had the paper work correctly in order. Hindsight is 20/20.

[joy]

I agree about seeking legal advice especially if there is money or property involved. This sometimes can add extra stress if all involved don't agree on how to proceed handling someone's care. Believe me there is often enough should haves', wish I hads' etc. to go around after it is too late to do any of it.


Daisy you had it right about treating them like toddlers. Or at the very least, like you would anyone else NOT related to you but deserving decent respect and care. And sadly, you never get any of those HUGS when you need them the most.

Myself since I can recall all those feelings very vividly is one reason that I still like to hang around and offer any support or anything, however feeble it is, to others who are still struggling every day and night with all the things I am familiar with. Knowing that all the conflicted feelings does not all go away that easily (for some) after the loved one is at rest is another reason I stay. I am helping myself still by coming here. I think I have it all resolved and find it back on my mind again years after mother passed away.

[Daisy]

Talking with others who aren't directly related to my family situation is helping me to work through my feelings.

I don't regret the decision that I made to take on my Gram's care, nobody forced me to do it and other than my Aunt, and my DH, nobody stepped forward to help but I knew going in it would be that way, I just had know way of knowing how emotionally, spiritually and ultimately physically draining it would be and nothing anyone told me would have prepared me, it was something I had to do to know. What was ultimately challenging at times wasn't even the lack of support it was the amount of support people expected me to give them. When my Gram was dying my Mother, brothers and sisters wanted absolution for not being available and around. I had no anger towards them, I understood why they couldn't face her in her rages and her anger and I had made the promise not them to care for her. However, I couldn't take on the burden of making them feel good about the choice they made to walk away and they were angry because I couldn't be supportive. I was struggling at the end just to hold on myself, it had been what when I started was supposed to be a short sprint that turned into a marthon we didn't think was going to end. I had to be strong for Gram and my Aunt. I didn't have anything left to give to them and they were extremely resentful.

[Kristina]

Daisy,

You said it girl! I really know what you mean and you know what? We thought we were just going to 'help' our loved one out a little bit. You know, just be a helpful, gracious and loving family member. Not get beaten down and feeling like a schmuck all the time, trying to defend ourselves and our actions. Come on, people! It reallys burns me......

Ok....rant is gone.........I feel better now.....:o

[joy]

Hi again Kristina. Have you had your surgery yet? If so, I hope it went well for you and you are recovering nicely. Just wanted to ask and hope you are okay.