Brother Passed Away

[suede]

I would have put NPR on the topic but actually it is rather pain related in more then one way.

This is a rather long and complicated relationship I had with my brother and for that matter with any of my siblings or relatives.

I am the youngest of all my siblings and this was the oldest of my 5 brothers and the second one to have passed. The first was murdered many years ago.

I have not seen or talked to this brother in over 12 years, we never had a fight but I did with another and the lines were drawn.
As a matter of fact it was the ex-wife of one of my brothers that called to tell me.

Anyway he was living on the eastern shore at this time, about 500 miles from me. I'm really torn in as in to rather I should attend the memorial this Thursday, not only because of the strained relationships between myself and all but one of my siblings, but because of my spine issues and the pain..

You see this would be between a 10 and 12 hour trip to a situation that will be very strained to say the least and my SIL never has even called to tell me he has passed, though I know she knows that my brother in Calif. has told me.

For those that don't know, I have problems through out my whole spine and S1 nerve damage not mention other health issues,
I have started a series of ESI'S for my T spine and I have to say right now my pain is at a peak as after the second injection I took a bad fall in the basement and I am in a flare like I haven't had for years.

Anyway, I need help I have not been so pulled in many years as to what to do, will I regret I didn't go if I don't or will it be even worse going knowing how much pain I'm already in physically as well as emotionally and in to what will be a VERY strained situation to say the least.

Sorry I just don't know anyone that can help answer this as it is as much about my condition and pain as anything else and no one but others that are alike can understand, because I know most will believe if I don't go that I am just using my spine as an excuse.

What to do???

Linda

[houghchrst]

Sorry for your loss Linda and I hope that you come to a decision that you are comfortable with. Both physically and mentally.

Prayers
{{{{Linda}}}}

[Gimpy]

Linda:

I have a brother that is a total stranger to me. I love him, but he drew the line years ago also. And now it's up to him to erase that line if he wants to, it's his decision. But, even with my back, I know that he passed away I would always regret not going to the service. I'm fine with his wife and his daughters are like my own and they would be very upset and hurt if I didn't attend, for them.

I believe you will always regret it if you don't go. You don't have to say anything to anyone, but do it for yourself. Then you can say you honestly took the high road, even if your other siblings didn't.

I know travel is hard, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do and there isn't any way around it.

I'm sorry for your loss,

Hugs, Linda

[debhun]

Linda I am sorry for your loss. It must be a ruff decision. I feel the same way Gimpy feels. But you have to do what you think is best for you and the Family. I hope you can come to peace with your decision.
Hugs Deb

[Jo6]

Linda, I am very sorry about your brothers death. I am in a situation with family, simular and it is hard and it will zap every ounce of strength you ever dreamed of having right down the drain.

You do what YOU are able to do. Your health is most inportant and it sounds like you aren't able to travel that far. Please know I am not trying to tell you what to do. I just know when someone else pass on those same issues are still there and they will raise their ugly head to hurt us again.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Yes, I truely sorry you are having to go through this. Just know we all care about You Linda. We want You to take care of YOU! Call on me or any of the forums members and we will be here for you.

*hugs for you Linda, my love, Julia

[Mark N]

Linda, sorry to hear of your brother. My brother that died had a similar relationship with me because of his choice to distance himself. I went to the service for my mother and siblings more than a need to attend his funereal.

You need to do what you can do as Julia put it. Like it or not our pain and limitations hinder us from doing what we would like to do. I have gone by this philosophy: the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing for us to do. If I am torn about what to do usually the harder choice is the right thing to do.

[Bobbi]

((((( Linda )))))

[Kathi49]

Linda,

I am sorry to hear this. :( I will just say it is a very personal decision that only you can make. I tend to agree with Julia...just do what is best for you. I went through this myself and could not attend a funeral of a family member due to my spinal fusion (just had surgery) and actually, everyone was very understanding...I just couldn't make that long trip.

[Karen from Indiana]

So sorry to hear about your brother. Im in the same boat with 2 of my brothers. I dont know what I would do if put in your situation. Just wanted to send you hugs. Do what you feel comfortable doing, not for anyone else, just you.

[shotspine]

(((((((((((Linda))))))))))))

This is a hard one as it is such a personal issue. I can just tell you how I feel. My dear father passed away in April 03. I adored him and was his caretaker for many months before having to put him into a nursing home. He suffered so over a long time just slipping away slowly and painfully. My guilt for not being able to do anything for him was killing me. At the time, my Dr. would only allow 1.5 Norco per day. My pain was huge and so was my guilt. Anyway, the day of his Memorial.....only an hours drive.......I tried but just could NOT make it. My sadness was because I really wanted to be there not because I thought I should be there.

I am at peace because I know Dad understands how much I love him and when we meet again, all will be well. My brother and sister put on a big party after the memorial.........I doubt that made Dad care about them any more.......as they are the ones that didn't do what they should have while he was alive. Whatever all his friends and my relatives believe of me because I wasn't there is not something I am interested in even finding out about. To my knowledge, no one held it against me.

Ask yourself........what do I want and need? Don't worry about everyone else. It doesn't sound like your appearance will change anything.

Sorry to go into my story but I didn't know how else to describe my feelings.

Blessings to you Linda....you a good woman......whichever way you choose to handle this.

I'm sorry your family life was so difficult and is still causing you such conflicting emotions. If you were going because you were needed, then my whole speil is not applicable.

Hugs and a Peaceful Heart!!!

[GardeniaGirl]

I am sorry to hear about your brother and the stressful family relationships you're dealing with.

I think that funerals and weddings and new babies always seem to stir up these latent, long-term patterns among family members - so it can be hard to focus on the situation at hand - everyone gets caught up in the old history, grudges, baggage, etc.

Like so many others on this thread- I can relate. I am 2 years of no contact with one brother and almost that with the other.

I haven't spoken to my mother by choice in over 7 years, or my grandma since 1996.

Lots of painful relationships.

If I were you, I would decide first of all whether my body could actually handle the trip. That will trump all other decisions.

Then, I would weigh whether or not I would feel any true guilt for not attending the wedding. This would be independent of what anyone else might think- just my own inner sense of guilt.

Last I would think about the existing family relationships and decide if going to the funeral would be at all beneficial for those relationships and decide if that is important for you.

I think those three areas 1) health 2) personal values and 3) family relationships are the three that will help you decide what you want to do in this situation.

I know that in the upcoming years, I will be making similar decisions, and it will be hard to decide what to do.

take good care,
GG

[DiMarie]

Linda I am so sorry for your loss.
I have extremly strained relations with my family.
It is not an excuse over your back and a 13 hour trip turns into possible an ER visit for a flare up, it is reality. The reality what ever you feel you need to say to your brother if you go, he is not going to be there, he is in a new place. You can speak to him from where you are. Send a condolance memory to the service and card.

I know there is a kind spot in your heart, but also you have to take care of youself.

I am so sorry, A huge hug is there to warm you,
Dianne

[Gimpy]

. The reality what ever you feel you need to say to your brother if you go, he is not going to be there, he is in a new place. You can speak to him from where you are.

Excellent point of view, and absolutely true. If your family has a problem with it, that is their problem and that is probably why you have strained relations with them to begin with.

I hope you are holdling up today, it's always sad no matter what the relationship was.

Hugs, Gimpy

[suede]

(((Thank You All))),

From the depth of my heart know that your words and advice mean more to me then words I can find.
I have a very loving DH and kids and grand kids, so I'm not totally alone, but I have no personal friends and only the one brother that still cares about me.
I never had need for personal friends, I had work friends and such but not the type that you share confidences with and ask for personal advice.
So please know that these responses have done a lot in restoring some of my very low self esteem, by knowing that others really do care.

Here is the real deal.
Three of my brothers were half siblings, two were not raised with us and our contact as children limited, the one murdered was my fathers by another marriage, the one that just passed my mothers, and the one that I love dearly and am in contact with lives on the west coast and was raised with us but my mothers child, (all of our parents are deceased).
We were not raised as in half's or steps so to me that is not an issue. My two bio brothers that have lived next door to me and across town we have not spoken in 10 - 12 yrs.
My brother Jim that passed as I said was on the east coast and a "very" "very" wealthy land developer, the rest of us are pay ck to pay ck people.

I wasn't going to go because as has been said I did not feel I needed to to say good bye because that is of the heart and spirit not the location and I was not close to his wife, family or friends over there at all.
I also didn't feel the need to be looked on as money seeker turning up out of no where, ya know, not that I care what they would think.

Short of it is, my brother out west is going and well lets say he has never been an emotional type and he is literally falling apart, I have spent almost all the time since I found out on the phone with him seriously, not only is he a wreck it is to expensive for his wife to make this long trip with him as it has been only a couple of months since we all were on vacation at the family reunion.
Now it also looks like the others(brothers) are going to go and I'm rather sure their reason will be what I feared most would think..

So I am going as my heart tells me to be there for my surviving brother, as we are getting older and who knows and besides he will need my support..and I know he would be and has been here for me.
Plus my DH is from the area and his parents are in real bad health so he can visit them..

Please sorry so long, I just really needed a sounding board and to clear my heart to rebuild strength for what is about to come.
I pray that I'm wrong and all goes smoothly.

Again it is with the support of all of you that I feel I can overcome my physical as well as emotional health to be there because I will know I'm not alone.

Linda

We will probably leave Tue. some time as we are driving over, I will try to get back here and give my support to others before leaving as you have me, if not please know you are all in my heart.

[Jo6]

Linda, you are one 1st Class Lady!! Warm thoughts and prayers will be with you. Please have a safe trip and get as much rest as you can. I appreciaed the words you wrote to the Forum. It takes a lot to makes these kind of desicions. Thank you for all the help you sprinkle around here ever day. my love, Julia

[photonut]

Linda.
So sorry for your loss......Allie
PS....I am always here if you need to talk.*bunch *bunch

[Mark N]

Linda, I am glad to hear you came to a resolution and it is one I think you can live with. Just don't go no matter what your back is doing because it will set you if it is killing you and you still go.

[shotspine]

(((((((((Linda))))))))))))

I understand why you want to go and support your dear loving brother that is emotionally hurting. If you are up to do that, I applaud you. Otherwise, I agree with Mark. If you are in excruciating pain, please don't consider your pain an excuse. It is just as real and much more serious than your brother's broken heart.

Put lots of pillows in the car and be as comfortable as possible. I'm sorry you are in this position.

Take Care of Yourself Linda!!

[suede]

Hi Everyone,

Once again thank you all for the kind words of advice and encouragement.
I just got back late last night and have to say as far as the pain, I am doing better then expected and am sure I made the right choice in having gone.

I won't bore you with all the details but there are a few I wish to share so you can have an idea of what a Murphy's Law experience this has been.

The day before we were to leave the fridge went out, with temps over a hundred I couldn't leave the kids here without a fridge.
Needless to say with these temps I couldn't get a repairman so after believe me way to much frustration I ended up going out and renting one for a few weeks til we see if this one can be fixed.
Doesn't sound like much but it sounds much easier then it went, considering the hurry we were in to get on the road to make the memorial.

Well of course I had no clothes suitable for this and I hate to clothes shop, so after way to many hours invested in that we finally got off.

Now there are some incidents that took place not related to the service but my DH'S family live in MD. also and something's took place over there with his family that almost got me arrested the night before the service!!

The morning of the service things seemed to be moving along well, until I went to put on my new shoes and they were not only 2 different sizes they were two different shoes.
By the time I got this taken care of and headed to the ceremony site I still had time to spare, or so I thought.
The short of the story is I got caught in a traffic jam and missed the whole service and then ended up getting lost, I finally made it to the reception with about an hour and half left of that.

Over all I can only say that it turned out as it should, my 2 brothers that live in the same town as me that we have not spoken in over 12 yrs were there and finally that has ended, mind you we will never be as close as once but at long last the hostility has ended, my brother from Calif. that I was worried about made it through just fine and over all everything is okay.

To mention also the 15th of this month is our 20th wedding anniversary and we were married in Md. and well DH and I had some good talks and reconnected in a much needed way..

I am looking forward to catching up here and hopefully things calming down it has been just way to much for me!!

Thanks again,
Linda

[marijo]

And you have always been so lovely and supportive to me. However after reading your before, and after the event posts, I sense that you are very much at peace with yourself, even though your whole trip was quite fraught, and stressful. You emerge with terrific dignity, and calmness, which wasn't hugely evident beforehand, when you seemed to be in a bit of a turmoil. You so obviously made the right decision, well done, and my heart goes out to you. I have not spoken to my younger brother for a good few years, but now is not the place to go into it, suffice to say, you are a much much better person than I, and I reckon the other members of your family that needed your support will recognise that. I was at a funeral this week of a lovely man of 94. His wife, also lovely and 90 survives him. Her one fear was that her brother, with whom she fell out over something fairly trivial, like money, years ago would not come to funeral. But he did, and they made their peace. I think that is great, and I think you are wonderful to make such a long journey, with your physical problems.
Take care now.
With love,
M.x

[Mark N]

Linda, it is good to hear you made it there and back without increasing your pain too much. Nice to hear that you were able to make up with your brothers at least to some extent. I can hear the peace in your words and it is clear going was the right thing to do in spite of the things that happened on the way. You had to wonder what was going on when one thing after another happened but glad to have you home again and happy you and hubby could renew your 20 years.

[BrokenBladder]

Linda I'm so sorry that I miseed this post originally. It sounds like you really followed your heart and did the right thing. I'm so happy that you're not in terrible pain and that things went well with your brothers.
Take Care and Rest Up!!

[911]

i am so sorry for your loss and really feel for your family struggle , i also have a strained relationship with whats left of my family so i can understand , the way i see it is the only reason you should go is if YOU want to go and can tolerate the pain , 500 miles is a long while and time in aq car in pain , your brother knows that you love him as he is your brother and somehow or another we all still love our faqmily regardless of anything that happens ,, they are our family and we cdan not chose them , where he is o hope is a better place , so god bless you and him suede ,,,,,,,, 911 aka david

[911]

my condolances to you and your brother (((((((((((( linda))))))))))))

[suede]

Marijo, Mark, BB, David, All,

Thanks for the kind words and support.

Yes, I am at a peace with all of this and it is very surprising to me in a way, I didn't like having such conflict with my family but some things just can not be helped and can only be fixed when the circumstances are just right and it so happened this was one of those times.

It also happened that I had rather ill feelings and thoughts about my brother Jim's wife and after the very short time I was around her at the reception I found that my thoughts were ill formed and for that I couldn't be happier. I'm sad to say that my SIL though has Graves disease and it is taken a toll on her.

Murphy's Law is still holding on tight!!! My daughter borrowed my car to go to work yesterday and when she stopped at a convenience store on the way and came out it wouldn't start.
Well I'm thankful it didn't happen on our way home but now I had to call and cancel my last ESI for my T spine today and I really regret that as it seems to be helping, I had thought not since I took such a bad fall in the basement following my one 2 weeks ago, but even after the fall and long trip I can feel some relief in my T spine..

Oh well, such as it should be I'm a firm believer in all things happen for a reason!!

Hugs to All,
Linda

[Bobbi]

Even though all is not perfect, Linda, I am happy for you that the conflict has lessened. The stress of it just isn't good for you. Maybe things will get better (possibly still not perfect) but minus more friction. That can only help.

*hug

[Diandra]

Hi Linda,
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and the ensuing family issues. It certainly was a Murphy's law trip...you poor thing...how frustrating.
I hope your pain has lessened and peace of mind are better today now that the trip is behind you ...it was very courageous of you to make the trip.
My thoughts and blessings are with you today and I hope the car situation is a minor one.

Be good to yourself,
Diandra

p.s. sorry for the delayed response...I only get to the forum sporatically.

[houghchrst]

Linda I am so glad that you went and despite the seemingly ridiculous obstacles that were thrown in your way that things went well for you.

Best wishes.

[suede]

I can't find the words to express how comforting it is to me that so many of you have been here for me.

It seems I have very little immediate family left and the passing of my brother has been a reality check to me as to just how precious life can be and has once again reminded me that it can be swept away from us in the blink of an eye, how my brothers and I have aged and time is passing for us all.

My brother Jim hadn't spoke to me in some years and I found out why since his passing and only wish that he had talked to me about what he had believed to be a truth that wasn't and will now never be corrected between us and it really saddens me that he lived with such false beliefs these past years.

However I do believe that now to him none of this matters as he is in such a place that things of this nature are just not relevant, it sure would have been wonderful though if this falsehood had not created such a distance between us while he was living.

I would like to share with you all though that through this experience I have had a life long request answered, as the saying goes,"Be careful what you ask for as you just might get it".
For as long as I can remember I have asked for "patience", many times I have others tell me the same,"be careful just what you ask for", because I may not like how I got answered, It has taken me a lot of years and trials to finally see what others have meant.
It amazes me with all that went wrong that I never lost my temper or went over the edge I just took each problem as it came and dealt with it as best I could, not much like me as I have always been short tempered.
Well at long last I believe I finally,"got it", "patience".

Well I did lose my temper the once and I almost went to jail, but you see for me as I once was I wouldn't have almost went to jail I would have !!

Thanks again from the depth of my heart for all the sincere thoughts and support from you all.

Linda

[curiousforever]

Hugs honey...wish I had some comforting words - it isn't really a strong point coming up with something to say that can *help*