jaztsd
10-17-2006, 02:48 AM
Hi everyone.
Didn't write much, because when life gets to be too much, I cocoon, withdraw pretty deeply. I'm un-concooning now, bit by bit.
Three weeks ago, my car was repossessed. Two weeks ago I was fired, on a crap decision related directly to my illness. Now I find out the director of the agency, Rick, is trying to deny me COBRA. I don't even think it's legal, but he's a bully and an ***, and he's decided to twist the knife, so he's fighting it.
I never used to believe in evil as an enitity before - honestly, I've had crappy things happen in my life, but this is the first time I ever considered someone to be pure evil, with no good in him. I really hate this guy - and it scares me. I don't hate people, in general.
I've had people do crappy things to me in my life - but somehow, this feels more evil, more directed, more, I don't know. I was gang raped once - I don't hate those guys the way I hate Rick. I was devastated, wrecked emotionally, still have nightmares - but I don't think I ever hated them the way I hate Rick. I don't understand exactly why, on the surface, it makes no sense. On a deeper level, it still makes no sense.
I don't like seeing myself as a person capable of this kind of hate. It's not who I've ever been.
I have no money, no car, and this illness is making it hard to get a job I can keep. I've been looking into stay at home jobs, but whatever I do, I need health insurance. Honestly, I think I would die without my meds. Rick knows about my illness, knows the severity of it, and he's doing his best to deny me insurance even though there's no cost to the agency to giving it to me.
Been anxious, depressed - think I scared my neurologist last week. Before we even got into the pain issues, she gave me Xanax and doubled my anti-depressants. I always get a copy of her notes - her own notes, each time before I leave, for my own information.
The first thing she wrote, in big letters, was, "Not Well." She also wrote. throughout the notes, "confused, anxious, depressed," a number of times, and thinks I'm a mess psychologicaly (ok, she didn't actually used the word, "mess," but it was implied).
I like to pretend things are ok - stuff the bad stuff down. This is all on top of increasing pain that is getting harder and harder to control. I think she was particularly concerned because I can usually see a positive side no matter what. This time, I was just discouraged (and confused, anxious, depressed, and a mess, lol).
I was pretty scattered, too, in retrospect. When life gets to the point where it's almost too much, the first thing to go is my ability to speak clearly, not like slurring or stuttering, but difficulty getting the words out in a way that makes sense to whoever I'm talking to. I also withdraw pretty deeply into myself.
It was suggested, but never formally diagnosed, that I had autistic tendencies when I was a kid, as an adult I function fairly well, just a bit, "geeky," have learned the social skills and stuff I could never grasp as a kid, but when life gets overwhelming, I regress.
It's funny - this is something I realized about myself way back in grad school, the regressing thing, at least as far as the withdrawal thing. I perioidcally think of getting tested, just for my own knowledge, but never have.
I may still be a bit scattered right now, I think I'm not too bad, and I know I'm better than I was a few days ago, but it's definitely been roller coastering.
Thanks for listening. I could really use some words of encouragement right now.
Love you all,
Jan
Didn't write much, because when life gets to be too much, I cocoon, withdraw pretty deeply. I'm un-concooning now, bit by bit.
Three weeks ago, my car was repossessed. Two weeks ago I was fired, on a crap decision related directly to my illness. Now I find out the director of the agency, Rick, is trying to deny me COBRA. I don't even think it's legal, but he's a bully and an ***, and he's decided to twist the knife, so he's fighting it.
I never used to believe in evil as an enitity before - honestly, I've had crappy things happen in my life, but this is the first time I ever considered someone to be pure evil, with no good in him. I really hate this guy - and it scares me. I don't hate people, in general.
I've had people do crappy things to me in my life - but somehow, this feels more evil, more directed, more, I don't know. I was gang raped once - I don't hate those guys the way I hate Rick. I was devastated, wrecked emotionally, still have nightmares - but I don't think I ever hated them the way I hate Rick. I don't understand exactly why, on the surface, it makes no sense. On a deeper level, it still makes no sense.
I don't like seeing myself as a person capable of this kind of hate. It's not who I've ever been.
I have no money, no car, and this illness is making it hard to get a job I can keep. I've been looking into stay at home jobs, but whatever I do, I need health insurance. Honestly, I think I would die without my meds. Rick knows about my illness, knows the severity of it, and he's doing his best to deny me insurance even though there's no cost to the agency to giving it to me.
Been anxious, depressed - think I scared my neurologist last week. Before we even got into the pain issues, she gave me Xanax and doubled my anti-depressants. I always get a copy of her notes - her own notes, each time before I leave, for my own information.
The first thing she wrote, in big letters, was, "Not Well." She also wrote. throughout the notes, "confused, anxious, depressed," a number of times, and thinks I'm a mess psychologicaly (ok, she didn't actually used the word, "mess," but it was implied).
I like to pretend things are ok - stuff the bad stuff down. This is all on top of increasing pain that is getting harder and harder to control. I think she was particularly concerned because I can usually see a positive side no matter what. This time, I was just discouraged (and confused, anxious, depressed, and a mess, lol).
I was pretty scattered, too, in retrospect. When life gets to the point where it's almost too much, the first thing to go is my ability to speak clearly, not like slurring or stuttering, but difficulty getting the words out in a way that makes sense to whoever I'm talking to. I also withdraw pretty deeply into myself.
It was suggested, but never formally diagnosed, that I had autistic tendencies when I was a kid, as an adult I function fairly well, just a bit, "geeky," have learned the social skills and stuff I could never grasp as a kid, but when life gets overwhelming, I regress.
It's funny - this is something I realized about myself way back in grad school, the regressing thing, at least as far as the withdrawal thing. I perioidcally think of getting tested, just for my own knowledge, but never have.
I may still be a bit scattered right now, I think I'm not too bad, and I know I'm better than I was a few days ago, but it's definitely been roller coastering.
Thanks for listening. I could really use some words of encouragement right now.
Love you all,
Jan