update on mood problems - this week

[GardeniaGirl]

So I have survived another week that included a couple of suicidal depression episodes.

(As a side note I actually found a post by a woman on another forum that said that when she started methotrexate she became suicidal and attempted suicide even though she had never had such problems before - when she stopped it, the "crazy" thoughts as she called them went away. -- this was validating for me - I knew that I was never prone to this level of depression prior to taking this drug).

Anyway, I definitely get the highs and lows in mood that change throughout the week. I am irritable and motivated for 2 days after the shot, then my mood goes into the toilet.

But I realized something important this week- these episodes are very susceptible to influence by the events in my life. On days where I have a very good social experience, even if I am depressed, it won't generally go to the suicide point. But if I have a social event that involves anything I perceive as negative, it pushes me down again. One example is spending time with my father - he is unable to provide any type of meaningful emotional support or empathy, so when I see him, we just talk about books, current events, etc. I find this type of thing very unfulfilling when I am feeling down like I am, and I end up feeling worse after the visit because of it.

Also, f I am in that major depression mode that hits about 3 days after the shot, if I am alone for most of the weekend, it will push me down into the hole, and I can't get out. That is what has brought about these episodes on sunday nights.

So, I still believe that methotrexate is the evil culprit here, but if I could orchestrate more satisfying experiences into every week, I think it would help.

I think this is why when I was with my boyfriend for a year, this mood problem wasn't as bad - I had 2-3 days per week that I spent with him and he was very affectionate, so this really offset the slide into the darkside.

anyway, for now, i am hanging in there. today i was doing fine but then something very negative happened at work, and it pushed me down, but I have a meditation meeting tonight with some people I really enjoy, so I will feel much better.

its like the methotrexate has made my moods volatile and on a hair-trigger - so mildly upsetting events, disappointments, etc put me in the hole much easier than they would otherwise.

thanks for reading!!!!!!!!

[Mark N]

GG, it is good you have a better understanding of the depression. I hope you have been talking to your doctor about the depression side effect of this med. I know it is hard to arrange good social interactions when you need them. The only way to do that I think is avoid people that bring you down.

Glad to hear you are feeling better right now.

[GardeniaGirl]

Hi Mark - thanks!

My rheumatologist is well aware of what methotrexate is doing to me, mood wise.

His solution, since he has no other drugs available to suppress my immune system (I've failed them or the side effects were completely intolerable- like a huge rash all over my body), is to have me work with a psychiatrist.

Thankfully, although I know my psychiatrist is struggling to find options, he has told me he does not believe we have exhausted all possible medication options for this yet.

I can still have suicidal depressions and hold a job, maintain some friends, take care of myself, etc, so I guess that is why we are persisting with this.

My other option is body-wide burning-in-oil suicide pain.

Nice choices, eh???? (/sarcasm)

[suede]

GG,
I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

I agree that it is a good idea that you continue to work with your psychiatrist.

Now that you see that what is happening around you effects your moods I believe that with the help of your psychiatrist you will be better able to help control these major bouts of suicidal depressions.

I'm sure it really helped that you read that this med has had the same effect on another.

However believe me, I know it is not easy and that we can not control the the things that always happen around us that effects us badly.

I do know that after a life time of fighting with my mental disorders and wondering if I was just "crazy" that when I found out my DX I found that even though I couldn't control the disease or the things that triggered my moods that I could have better control of how I reacted to those these things by learning better coping mechanisms.

I will be sending our positive thoughts and energy to you and hopefully there will be a different med found that you will be able to take that doesn't cause such major mood swings.

Life isn't any fun when you have to live it on a roller coaster that doesn't stop..

Hugs,
Linda

[photonut]

So I have survived another week that included a couple of suicidal depression episodes.

(anyway, for now, i am hanging in there. today i was doing fine but then something very negative happened at work, and it pushed me down, but I have a meditation meeting tonight with some people I really enjoy, so I will feel much better.



Hey GG:
How did the meditation meeting go tonight with the people you like? Drop me a line and let me know as I've been thinking of yea...Allie (The FLOWERS are forget me no-ts..teehee) *forgetmenot

[BrokenBladder]

gg, just checking in on you to see how you're feeling!! How did your mediation meeting go last night?
Ithink it's great that you have figured out some of what bring you down so much, other than just the medication, and hopefully you can use that to your advantage. The funny thing about life is that we just never know what's waiting for us around the next corner. It sounds like you're taking a very positive approach to all of this and I think that's great!! Keep up the good work, but remember we are here for you anytime you want to talk or cry.

[911]

damn GG i have had meds do this to me not specificly methotrexate but with steriods i had due to shingles and the shotsd in my spine , i hope you have talked this over with the docs , i went crazy suicidal with it , so please check it out get help with it this really sucks in a way only you and iothers with it really know ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, david aka 911

[GardeniaGirl]

hi everyone- my meditation meeting went well, and I have been doing pretty well since then.

I have some difficult things going on with a certain relationship right now, so that is adding to the roller coaster moods, but I am hanging in there.

Certainly not as bad as it was a week or so ago.

GG

[Boxerlover]

GG, Sorry you are having such a hard time with the methotrexate. I was on it for awhile but I had a real bad time with nausea so I stopped. My rheumy aslo wants me on an immune suppresant but like you, I've had a lot of issues. I'm glad your appointment went well and I hope you feel better.

Take care
Melissa

[Mark N]

GG, it is good to hear your psych still thinks there are some meds to try and I hope you are able to come up with one. I understand the overall feeling of agony, Cymbalta treats that pain for me and I would hate to try and live without it. You are right that it is a terrible choice to have to make and one I hope you don't have to make much longer. It is good to hear the mediation meeting went well and you are feeling better this week. Don't forget us when it gets bad for you.

[Spikey]

Hi Garnia Girl

Sorry to hear about your low moods and how frightening they must be. I get low moods (not nearly as bad as yours) but I understand what your saying about negative things making them worse and being alone making them worse too.

The only advise I can give you is to carrying on meditating and spending time with the people you enjoy. I know its easy for me to say but also try and keep your chin up.

Thinking of you

Spikey *fantasia

[Peter B]

Hey Girl,
We have never spoken but I feel compelled to write and tell you that I think you are my hero. There have been 3 occasions in my life when I came close to "checking out". The fact that you are so on top of what you are going through is truly an inspiration.

I believe that there are many areas of measurable intelligence. One of these areas is emotional. I think that you are a brilliant person when it comes to diagnosing your emotions. Not only are you proficient at ascertaining your feelings but you are doing everything right with regard to 'treating' it.

I know from personal experience that there is a HUGE difference between unhappiness and depression. Being in a bad mood is not the same as being depressed either. The only question I have for you is.......Beside Anti D's, what other medications are available to combat periodic depression? Perhaps our resident pharmacist might be able to answer. I hope he reads this.

I suffer from periodic bouts of depression. It sucks. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know the misery wont last for more than a couple of days. Sometimes it will last for a week. I also seem to suffer depression in varying degrees. Sometimes its worse than other times.

I wish there was a medicine that would help me cope. Effexor saved my life about 4 years ago. It was an extremely difficult med to come off of so it would take unrelenting misery for me to go back on it. Perhaps there is a med that can be taken periodically for a day or two once or twice a month.

Anyway, good luck in your search for solutions.

Pain free days,
Pete

[GardeniaGirl]

Hey Girl,
We have never spoken but I feel compelled to write and tell you that I think you are my hero. The fact that you are so on top of what you are going through is truly an inspiration.

I believe that there are many areas of measurable intelligence. One of these areas is emotional. I think that you are a brilliant person when it comes to diagnosing your emotions. Not only are you proficient at ascertaining your feelings but you are doing everything right with regard to 'treating' it.


Hi peter - I just wanted to thank you for this post! It really made my day to think I might have inspired someone.

I certainly don't feel very inspirational a lot of the time. ;)

I am getting back into a regular meditation practice - and I believe this is probably one of the most helpful things I can do to cope with the mood issues.

Thankfully, today is a fairly neutral-to-positive day, mood-wise.

[photonut]

Hey GG:
So glad to see a post from you. How are you girl? Just for the record YOU inspire a lot of us around here including me. I have kept you in my thoughts every day and was wondering how it was going. Love to hear from you. *forgetmenot *forgetmenot *forgetmenot
I remembered you liked flowers so I sent you a bunch...Hugs Allie