I think I'm ready

[novaceleste]

I have been married to an abusive husband for 14 years now. I have been disabled for 4 years. I found out a month ago that I have primary progressive ms. I have been called everything, including a crippled a**. :mad: Which was said in front of my son (12) and daughter(10). I have been on long term disability since 11-03. But, a few weeks ago social security finally accepted me. I will be receiving a check and will have to pay some money to long term disability, but will have a bit left over. I do not want my husband to have access to this money. If I do, it will all be spent on drinks at the local bar. :rolleyes: When he finds out that the money will be going into my own account, he will freak. Quite frankly, I don't care and am ready for hom to leave. Only thing is, I'm terrified who my kids will end up with. I feel that my disability will find me an unfit mother. My parents and 3 of my sisters live close and all have offered to help me around the house. My parents have also offered to help me with my bills and any shopping. It is just so scarry taking the first step.

[Buttons2]

Not sure what to call you? Celeste? Anyway,welcome to this forum. BT is having some difficulties right now,some of the "regulars" on this thread might not have connections right now.

But back to your dilemna. Are you gonna kick his sorry a** out or will you have to leave? I ask that first cause getting him out just might not be easy!

First you need to open a separate bank account.And depending on where you live (different states have different laws), I'd talk with the bank manager to see how to separate your banking needs. I had a shock when getting my last divorce,bank teller informed me my husband could have cleaned out MY account!

We have an alcohol support forum here also,you might want to post on there. And I suggest you take the time to read some of the other posts here. Perhaps many of your concerns/questions have already been addressed? If not, come back & ask questions,we will try our best to help you.

Question, is hubby physically abusive? I ask that cause you didn't provide many detail. Emotional abuse is just as horrific!

Sounds like a total jerk to make a comment like that in front of your children! Shame on him! Like you want to be disabled! Ha. Glad you have family support,that's very important.

Now, about child custody....why on earth would your disability make you an unfit mother? I've known women that got pregnant after a MS diagnosis!

Start collecting papers,anything that relates to your personal finances,health issues,etc. Get a safe deposit box. (somewhere on this forum there's a list of stuff-under a sticky?)

I'm concerned for YOUR health. You need to keep the stress level down as much as possible. I'll wait for more info before I post more,and hopefully more input will be here soon. Hang in, we're behind you & we know what you are going through!

Buttons

[novaceleste]

The abuse is only verbal/emotional. Sometimes I think the physical would have been easier, at least then it would have been harder to hide. I only recently (a year ago) came out with the abuse to my friends and family. They have been very supportive.

The reason I am so scarred about losing my kids is because I have short term memory loss. I am not able to get around much and I am fixing to start my Novantrone treatment and have heard it will make me have less energy.

Maybe it is a silly concern (as my family as told me there is no way he will get the kids). Yes, I do understand that getting him to leave could be hard. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Buttons2]

Well, I understand your statement about verbal/emotional better than physical,but the physical part can lead to death so be grateful he's not that out of control.

If you've put up with this for 14 yrs then I'm going to guess you have some self-esteem issues? Have you ever been in therapy? Either of you had counseling about issues in the marriage?

If you ask/tell him to move out-is this gonna come as a big shock or have you hinted/threatened this in the past?

This might seem like an odd question but: are you positive you want to end the marriage? If the answer is yes, I'm gonna suggest you bring someone into the situation to moderate,sort of like a mediator I guess. Does that make sense?

I'm also trying to keep in mind the news about the MS you are still adjusting to. I realize your emotions are most likely on the brink right now. As for the short term memory loss,please,please read the posts here on vitamin forum's regarding B12. At one time I didn't know my own last name,phone number or address! (I never did get a firm diagnosis of MS or anything else for that matter but I strongly suspect Lyme disease). I'm very serious about this,it might help with nerve damage,mobility,etc. as well. Also fatique.

After all these years I'm thinking perhaps you should get some professional counseling. I'll help as much as I can but I'm just throwing out opinions based on my experience basically. It might also benefit in dealing with your disability. Perhaps a psycologist (sp), versus a shrink since you didn't indicate depression is an issue. Even a pastor,priest,rabbi-whatever. this person might also be a good choice for someone outside the family to help remove him from the house.

I'm afraid if YOU try to reason with him, he'll just get abusive,and then you're back to square one. He might convince you he'll change (people seldom change their basic behavior,especially when it's gone on so long-he's a bully & shows no concern for your feeling,not to mention RESPECT!)

Let's get practical for a moment. Can he afford to move? How are the children going to react? Is his behavior the same with them? Can you afford help with yardwork for instance? Do you drive? It's so great to hear that family is close by & supportive,but they won't be there 24/7 right?

Have you asked yourself how this will change your entire life? The other family members (on his side),the mutual friends? And how you will feel if he goes out the door & into another woman's arms? When men (women too!), are rejected & don't get their way with one person-they tend to run right out & find someone else! This is just human nature. Can you handle it?What about pets? Will he take the family dog for instance?

I'm not trying to discourage you! Just pointing out what might happen. Get you to look forward to a month from now.

And kudos to you for making the decision to put yourself first,gain some self respect,hold on to your dignity. Good for you!! Be an example for your children. These are all positive steps. You deserve to be happy!

I also realize how scary this is,but ya know what? The fear will soon be a memory & you will feel FREE!! How wonderful that will be!

Later,Buttons

[novaceleste]

Thanks for answering. Yes, I think self-esteem has alot to do with my situtation. It may sound weird, but since I have been disabled, I feel that my self-esteem has improved. Maybe because I have more time to myself and time to think?? :confused: Anyways, I have thought seriously about leaving for 3 years or so. Ever since he came home drunk and told me to get my "crippled a**" out of HIS bed. :mad: Our kids had fallen asleep with me, we were watching a movie. My family has been very helpful. They have gone over my financial situtation, I will be fine in that sense. My kids are terrified of him. I talk with them alot about their feelings and I think they are ready as well. Of course, I think counseling is necessary for them, as well as myself. I have tried to get my husband and I to go for years, he just says he knows what they will tell him. I'm glad that you metioned that he may go to another woman. He already has twice before and he probably has another one from what I can tell.

[Buttons2]

OK,this helps to clarify the situation. Now what's your game plan? If kids are terrified of their daddy-he needs to go! And the sooner the better I'd say. Have faith in yourself,you've made a tough decision,but you're taking action & that's what matters now.

And after hearing his "know it all" attitude about counseling.....let him live on the streets!

Ready,set,go-forward that is,pack his stuff & throw him out! Just my 2 cents,Buttons

[novaceleste]

Buttons,

I really appreciate the post. I agree about my kids. My daughter told me that when she was born, she thought she would have a nicer daddy. :(
His mom came over to my house yesterday. I know I wasn't her first choice for a daughter-in-law, but we do stuff together sometimes. She wanted a "career woman" for her son. Instead, he married a free-spirited florist. I told her that I am extremely concerned about his well-being. I toldher that his drinking has gotten worse and that he is going to kill himself or someone else from drinking home drunk all the time. :mad: She said she was going to talk to him. I want him to leave, not die. :eek:

[Buttons2]

Have you read the posts from MamaSue? I think it's on the alcohol support forum? Don't want to alarm you but her husband just committed suicide recently,his drinking was way out of control & he was determined to die. Your husband's parent's & family need to have an intervention! Get him some help before it's too late.

Anyways,let's keep on a positive note here: I realize you are fed up,how do you intend to get him out the door? You have made the right decision,for both the kids & yourself. Can you reason with him? Have you had much experience in dealing with alcoholism? An enraged drunk can get mean & very dangerous,especially when things don't go their way-so be very careful. And just because he's never shown violence doesn't mean he won't start now. He's had a nice,cozy safety net all these years,his ego will come forth when he's asked to leave ya know? That might bring on a strange reaction,so be prepared. Can someone stay there for while until you feel it's safe?

I'm not trying to spread alarm,just warning you to be ready.
Take care,Buttons

[novaceleste]

Thanks Buttons,

I have not had much experience with alcoholism. My neurologist has a very helpful social worker and a neuropsychologist. I am finally starting to open up to them. I how odd it is that you can keep a secret from your family and friends for so long, and at the same time post it on the internet for all to see.:o

And as for someone staying with me and my kids...I have alot of offers from my family. I think they will work out a schedule, we all live close (within 20 minutes of each other) As for getting him to leave....well, that is a different story. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

And Buttons, I will check out the thread you suggested.
Thanks!!;)

[JAVISI]

[COLOR="Blue"]Celeste,
I have wanted to post to you sooner but I have ill and in the hospital. It is also sometimes hard to talk about it! I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with alcoholism and physical and mental abuse not to us kids but to my mom. I then got pregnant at 17 by an alcoholic. He was very abusive when he would drink that is no excuse for him to beat me!! He made me sit in a corner while he was having a card party. No one stuck up for me, so I lived for my kids and only my kids.

He would beat me pregnant or not. My kids now grown, I am 40, wonder if my brain problems are not related to him kicking me in the head so many times. My youngest was born very small due to my placenta getting pulled away from the wall! We wonder if it is not related to his abuse.

I stayed with him untila night came and he broke my ribs, nose, blackened both of my eyes and held a knife to my throat. My kids were about 3,5, and 6. I took him back after he completed rehab. I thought that it was in the best interest of my kids. We remarried. The physical ab use was rare but the emotional abuse was awful, you are right bruises go away but words stay with you for a long time.

I finally left him after my best friend talked to me and asked me if I were to die tomarrow would I be happy with the way I have lived my life?? The answer was a great big NO!!!! I left and never looked back! Yes I was scared I had no income and had to move in with my parents. But I was finally free, free to be who I really am inside. I beleive that things happen for a reason and I was with him so I could help others!

I want you to know that I did no justice by staying with himj. They are all making bad choices in their lives. I feel cuilty now because I didn't get them out of that situation sooner! Your kids still have a chance to know what it is like to have a normal life that does not involve abuse!

I will post more later I know that this is long but I can see and feel so much of me in you! Got a Dr's appointment so if I am hospitalized I will come back to this post as soon as I can!

Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars, Javi

[Buttons2]

Celeste, your comment about leading a secret life is very common. Women feel such deep shame about the abuse,it's like admitting you are a failure. And when the abuse is verbal-you come to BELIEVE his lies!We have a strong network of support here on BT,and feel free to tell whatever you want-cause ya know what? It helps to get it out,you can go back & read where you were last week,kinda like a diary. And you'll get feedback. this helps to see the big picture. And we will never judge you. I like to call it free therapy!

Since I don't know your circumstances I suggest you appeal to family,medical professionals,etc. for advice on how to get him to leave. Set up your support network.

Find a good divorce lawyer,get a referral from someone you trust about this cause not all lawyers will actually work for your best interests. You'll need to file legal separation papers ASAP. Marriage is a legal contract & you need to disolve that before you can go forward. Property division,insurance,even wills will all have to be adjusted for the new circumstances.

I wish him well as I'm sure you do also. He needs help-but remember this: YOU cannot help him. Since you have little experience with dealing with alcoholism I urge you to do some reading. Get a copy of the AA book,it will open your eyes to how an alcoholic thinks,and how everyone gets sucked into their lifestyle. It affects everyone in their world. Then be prepared to let it all go.....he has to find his own way & you & your children have to get on with your lives.

Javisi & I are active on the alcoholism forum,so please join us over there if you need anwers or suggestions. Maybe reading some of the stories will give you some insight.

Later,Buttons

[novaceleste]

Thanks Javi, I appreciate your post. I'm sorry about being hospitalized, hope everthing is good for you. Your story has really got me thinking. Thank you for sharing it. Today my husband had a day off. I asked him if he would bring my motorized wheelchair in from the garage. (I use a walker in the house most of the time, but sometimes I can barely get up to use the restroom.) He told me he would bring it in after I clean the house.:mad:

[Buttons2]

He's really trying to push your buttons isn't he? Call a cleaning company! Well I didn't intend for it to seem I'm obsessed with buttons! Just saw how that looked with my name.....

[JAVISI]

Celeste,
Well I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you, I have just had so many hospital stays here lately. Abusers need to have total control over their victim, and yes you are a victim! It is so hard when you are sick and he uses that to your advantage. I am not sure what type of support systems you have in your area, but you really need to utilize as many of them that you can!

You are a valuable, kind and worthwhile person, please never forget that!!! I lost my entire identity whenm I was with my ex and that is where he wanted me to be. When I got sick I realized I don't know how lonmg I have on this earth and I want to make the best of my life from now on. I had a rotten life before and now even being sick I am so much happier. I beleive that I lived that way so I can understand and help others that are being abused!

Just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing!
Dream Big with Love, Javisi

[am I Clearly Me?]

Hi Celeste, and welcome!

I got out of my emotionally abusive marriage almost 3 yrs. ago. I also was married to him twice; in his case it was severe mental illness, and when we got back in touch after 9 yrs. (no kids), and he'd been diagnosed & was in treatment, I thought we could make a go of it. If I'd been paying attention (i.e. not in denial) I'd have seen the signs & never remarried him. I'm also on SSD - since 2001, for a combination of physical & mental issues.

I'd like to recommend, if you live anywhere where there's a DV program, that you get in touch with them - they can steer you to a therapist who specifically deals with DV-related issues. I've had regular therapists over the years, and they just haven't had the specialization/extent of experience with DV survivors to do me much good, I think. I'm just going in, in a couple of weeks (if I recall correctly; my short-term memory is bad too) for my first appt. with the DV therapist. They don't even charge for it where I am, and I can go weekly.

I wish I'd done it (or been able to) when I first left him. But I originally moved far away to stay with a friend who lived in a [I]very[I] small town that didn't have DV services available, then moved back to the major metro area I'd lived in years before, where I had a friend I stayed with for several months. That wasn't very wise in many ways bec. she was/is in the middle of an abusive marriage herself, & her husband, when he wasn't messing with my head, was trying to get into my pants (never successfully, I'm glad to report). But at the time I didn't have anyplace else to go. Finally things reached a head there & my brother took me in on no notice; I was able to stay there for the last 6 months till my divorce was finalized & I got a settlement & 3 yrs. worth of alimony.

I haven't been back to the town where I lived with him (& where I hear he still lives); I didn't like it there to begin with & don't like the idea of running-into him. I feel so fortunate not to have kids in the sense that it's not necessary for me to stay in contact with him. I really admire all those of you who deal with these situations, with kids in the picture; I know how much you love your kids & how much it complicates matters.