milivica
07-13-2007, 01:34 AM
Vince was telling me about another boy at his camp who has autism. He said he copies everyone, what they say, what they do, and all the kids yell at him telling him to "Stop it" and "Shut up and stop copying me!"
Of course, my heart broke for the boy. I'm guessing he's a young teen, he's got to be 6'3". Can you imagine how he feels?
So, Vince then told me he copies him in the same ways, and won't stop. I told Vince, "I hope you're not telling him to shut up, or being angry with him" and Vince said it was bugging him, he wants him to stop, but no he didn't use mean or angry words. I told him I was very pleased he did not try to hurt his feelings, and explained to Vince (on his level) why he was doing all that copying. If anyone doesn't already know I can explain it, I'm assuming you all know.
One surprising thing here, is that NOW, different kids can do the exact same thing to Vince, and he can now read intention - certainly not always, but very often. Had an nt copied Vince, I can guarantee Vince would have blew his top. I was grateful to his RDI therapist for all she's doing with us. I dunno if Autism could be called a 'culture' like Deaf folks say Deaf Culture, but to me, it most definitely is due to the 5 huge differences (developmental milestone wise) in nt/asd brains. Another thing I'm thinking as I explain it all to Vince is how much I've learned and developed in my life, when meeting someone that reminded me of myself in an annoying way. Hoping he will make more connections, when this boy does things that remind him of himself.
I go through this talk with Vince, explain the boy's motivations for his actions, and how he feels when he's copying, how he feels when he's being told to shut up or other mean rejections. I tell Vince I have one thing I want him to do, and that is tomorrow at camp, he is to ask the boy what he likes.
The next morning Vince prepares to bring books of two different subject matters and when I tell him only one book allowed at camp, he says he has to bring two in case that boy doesn't like one of them. Cool. Love it when Vincent can express his true good side, his big hearted thoughtfulness. He brings both books, I tell him how thoughtful he is and that I bet the boy will like at least one, maybe both. Later, I pick Vince up from camp, I ask how the day went, Vince of course does not know what parts to pick out and tell me (dh is the same for Pete sakes as are most guys I think) so he just says it was a good day, and the boy liked the Garfield comic book the most. Cool. However, a counselor rushes up to me, and tells me with all this energy in his tone of voice how Vince and this boy were playing and splashing one another all day and what a really great time they had together. Cool! This means, Vince really understood what I was saying about this boys motivations, feelings and intentions.
But this, made me most proud and put a lump (of joy) in my throat...the following morning, I see the boy and his mom in the parking lot at camp, the mom tells me this, "Ohhh, you're Vincent's mom? My son just can't stop talking about Vincent...Vincent Vincent Vincent. Vincent this, Vincent that, he's having so much fun with your son." And I gotta tell ya, that just made my heart soar. It's not like I expected Vince to emotionally care for this boy all day or something like that, I did expect Vince to at the very least not add to the 'shut up' and 'get away' type comments he gets, and do a little something the boy likes and have fun together for a little bit. Not all day, but at least a while like compassion drives us all to do naturally. I can well image the daily rejection and the devastation that has on kids and their parents, all of us here can. But oh boy that day, I just felt so joyful, imagining the boy having so much fun with Vince, and imagining how his mom felt hearing how he was accepted and how they enjoyed each other's company playing all day.
I am so very happy, that Vince is developing his empathy, developing the ability to borrow another persons perspective and imagine being in his shoes (which he actually IS in this boys shoes in many ways). He's such a good guy, but I tend to forget that when he's systematically destroying the house in so many ways (sigh) and other adventures in autism. Anyhow, I'm just floating knowing that boy had a super great day, and Vince was a part of that happening. It's the kind of mother I always wanted to be with him, one that teaches compassion.
I have to say, I am totally perplexed by the nonreactive treatment of the counselors, toward this boy by the other boys. I understand being 'copied' is frustrating if you believe the intention is mockery, but wouldn't the children feel different if they realized this boy wants to be a part of their group, and this is the only tactic he knows to try and join...I mean wouldn't that create compassion? I mean, what perpetuates this pull toward the 'popular' kids and away from nurturing of the 'weird' kids, so to speak. Do parents advise their nt kids to avoid nonpopular kids, or is it some nt inborn trait, do you all understand my question? Cause I was always for the underdog, although, well well over 50% of the time I did not correctly interpret who the underdog actually was so accidentally would stick up for the wrong side...sighhhhh.
Of course, my heart broke for the boy. I'm guessing he's a young teen, he's got to be 6'3". Can you imagine how he feels?
So, Vince then told me he copies him in the same ways, and won't stop. I told Vince, "I hope you're not telling him to shut up, or being angry with him" and Vince said it was bugging him, he wants him to stop, but no he didn't use mean or angry words. I told him I was very pleased he did not try to hurt his feelings, and explained to Vince (on his level) why he was doing all that copying. If anyone doesn't already know I can explain it, I'm assuming you all know.
One surprising thing here, is that NOW, different kids can do the exact same thing to Vince, and he can now read intention - certainly not always, but very often. Had an nt copied Vince, I can guarantee Vince would have blew his top. I was grateful to his RDI therapist for all she's doing with us. I dunno if Autism could be called a 'culture' like Deaf folks say Deaf Culture, but to me, it most definitely is due to the 5 huge differences (developmental milestone wise) in nt/asd brains. Another thing I'm thinking as I explain it all to Vince is how much I've learned and developed in my life, when meeting someone that reminded me of myself in an annoying way. Hoping he will make more connections, when this boy does things that remind him of himself.
I go through this talk with Vince, explain the boy's motivations for his actions, and how he feels when he's copying, how he feels when he's being told to shut up or other mean rejections. I tell Vince I have one thing I want him to do, and that is tomorrow at camp, he is to ask the boy what he likes.
The next morning Vince prepares to bring books of two different subject matters and when I tell him only one book allowed at camp, he says he has to bring two in case that boy doesn't like one of them. Cool. Love it when Vincent can express his true good side, his big hearted thoughtfulness. He brings both books, I tell him how thoughtful he is and that I bet the boy will like at least one, maybe both. Later, I pick Vince up from camp, I ask how the day went, Vince of course does not know what parts to pick out and tell me (dh is the same for Pete sakes as are most guys I think) so he just says it was a good day, and the boy liked the Garfield comic book the most. Cool. However, a counselor rushes up to me, and tells me with all this energy in his tone of voice how Vince and this boy were playing and splashing one another all day and what a really great time they had together. Cool! This means, Vince really understood what I was saying about this boys motivations, feelings and intentions.
But this, made me most proud and put a lump (of joy) in my throat...the following morning, I see the boy and his mom in the parking lot at camp, the mom tells me this, "Ohhh, you're Vincent's mom? My son just can't stop talking about Vincent...Vincent Vincent Vincent. Vincent this, Vincent that, he's having so much fun with your son." And I gotta tell ya, that just made my heart soar. It's not like I expected Vince to emotionally care for this boy all day or something like that, I did expect Vince to at the very least not add to the 'shut up' and 'get away' type comments he gets, and do a little something the boy likes and have fun together for a little bit. Not all day, but at least a while like compassion drives us all to do naturally. I can well image the daily rejection and the devastation that has on kids and their parents, all of us here can. But oh boy that day, I just felt so joyful, imagining the boy having so much fun with Vince, and imagining how his mom felt hearing how he was accepted and how they enjoyed each other's company playing all day.
I am so very happy, that Vince is developing his empathy, developing the ability to borrow another persons perspective and imagine being in his shoes (which he actually IS in this boys shoes in many ways). He's such a good guy, but I tend to forget that when he's systematically destroying the house in so many ways (sigh) and other adventures in autism. Anyhow, I'm just floating knowing that boy had a super great day, and Vince was a part of that happening. It's the kind of mother I always wanted to be with him, one that teaches compassion.
I have to say, I am totally perplexed by the nonreactive treatment of the counselors, toward this boy by the other boys. I understand being 'copied' is frustrating if you believe the intention is mockery, but wouldn't the children feel different if they realized this boy wants to be a part of their group, and this is the only tactic he knows to try and join...I mean wouldn't that create compassion? I mean, what perpetuates this pull toward the 'popular' kids and away from nurturing of the 'weird' kids, so to speak. Do parents advise their nt kids to avoid nonpopular kids, or is it some nt inborn trait, do you all understand my question? Cause I was always for the underdog, although, well well over 50% of the time I did not correctly interpret who the underdog actually was so accidentally would stick up for the wrong side...sighhhhh.