Living in fear and so stressed!

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I am sitting here with a knot in my stomach. I feel scared! I called my attorney, he is supposed to call me back. So I am waiting. My ex was supposed to give me $300.00 a month for my portion of the house. He missed last month and now he missed his second consequative payment. The house will go into forclosure and sold at a sherriffs auction.

I am so scared because he will be so mad and with him drinking wiskey and loving guns so much I am at the point of almost being paranoid! The fear is just eating away at my stomach!

I am so tired of being afraid. But I don't know how to get that feeling to leave. Acouple of days ago I seen him driving a firebird that he must have bought. I think to myself if he can buy a car he can pay me! He inew the terms of the divorce.

When he drinks he is very mean and hateful. He lit off a bomb on the 4th, he thought he had a 5 minute fuse, he didn't and it blew up as he turned around! It broke one of his ear drums and injured the other! He works with explosives at work. I think of all the ways that he could kill me and it scares me so bad. I told my attorney that if I die have the police investigate him!

I have had a knife held to my throat after a severe beating, I was so close to death. He has told me that if someone ever made him so depressed he would never kill himself he would kill them. My parents and many others beleive that he has tried to kill me by poisoning. When they were searching for answers as to why I was ill. I had triple the amount of arsnic in my system, my copper level was very high and I also had another elevated heavy metal in my system?? He uses chemicals to tan hydes and has a bottle of mercury in the basement. After I told him about the high levels, the next time they were all lower, almost normal!

I hope that it is just paranoia and not a true gut feeling of impending doom! I am scared! Your Friend, Javisi

[suede]

(((JAVISI))))

I would like very much to say that I believe you are being paranoid, but I don't believe it and it would be very dangerous for you to.

Isn't there some place you can go to stay where you will be safer until this latest storm passes over.
I know it is never comfortable to leave our homes and feel that we are constantly being railroaded but the alternative can be final and not worth it.

Do you have a restraining order out against him, I know it is only a piece of paper and can not protect you per say, only thing is he may be able to get caught and put in jail for harassing you or something before he can get to you.

I lived the abusive life style from birth to my mid 30's and don't think there is anything I have not had to deal with, I Thank God that is now in my past, only every once in a while the past comes up to bite me and never let me completely close the door on it.

I don't know your history or what is going on with you , do you have any children in the home or anyone else?

Please know I am not trying to scare you only remind you that domestic violence and these predators are to always be watched, it's not safe for us to ever let our guard down, your instinct is your best friend.

I'm here for you any way I can be and please feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk or I can be of any help..


Many hugs and prayers,
Linda

Also please check in so we know you are okay.

[am I Clearly Me?]

Hi Javisi,

Is your atty. already paid-for, for this? Call the district court where you got the settlement/divorce, let them know he's not paying the maintenance, & ask what the procedure is. Also be sure to tell them that your home is in jeopardy. You might also want to contact your local battered-women's task force & see what they may be able to tell you in terms of resource info.; they can be very helpful. In my state, there's actually a very simple form the court will fax/send you and you fill it out, send it in, they set a court date and there you go. I had to do that, and it never even got to court; the guy who handles his money (he's mentally ill & has a conservator) took care of it as soon as he found out. That part's a long, stupid story; my ex didn't let the conservator know, when he got him, that he was supposed to be making maintenance payments to me. It does sound like a restraining order would be wise, if you don't have one already.

I'll be thinking of you; let us know how things go.
CM

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I will give you a little history. I was born into a family of alcoholism and domestic violence. I married an alcoholic and was beaten on a consistant basis. He could always find a reason to abuse and belittle me. Enough to break my spirit for many years. We have 3 children togeather. They are now adults, 23,22, and 19. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first. My kids gave me a reason to live!

After 2 black eyes, broken nose and blackened back from being kicked over and over. Afterwards he held a knife to my throat and told me he was going to kill me! When he fell asleep I gathered up my kids and ran as fast as I could to my parents house. I was scared to death. He was always so mean when he was drinking which was daily. We divorced. About 2 years later we remarried he had quit drinking. I thought that would be the end to the abuse and the best thing for my kids.

Boy, was I wrong. He still had that manipulative personality, and selfishness. I stayed with him for the duration of my kids schooling. I threw myself into my job and my kids but was very unhappy. He was not as physically abusive as he was emotionally! I found that I would rather be hit than slammed with demeaning behavior and words.

I left for the last time over 2 years ago. 3 weeks after I left he moved in with another woman. I was glad because he left me alone. I lived with my parents which was not exactly the best place to live but at least I felt safe. He could hit a woman but is afraid of men, like most abusers.

My divorce was final the 1st day of July. It was very nasty and essentially ended up with very little but I was just happy to be rid of him. Just prior to my leaving he had started drinking and I was and am ill. He resented me because I was accruing medical bills and I was unable to pay all of the bills any more.

The one good thing is that an old boyfriend that I had broken up with came back into my life. He treated me so good. I just didn't feel like I deserved him when we had dated so many years ago. His mother was dying of cancer and his sister came over to tell me. I didn't get to see her because she died so much earlier than expected. I seen my old boyfriend at the funeral a little. I stayed in touch with his siter. eventually we went out. He treats me like a queen and I love him so much. I am old enough now to know that I deserve to be treated good. Unfortunatly it took me until I was 38. So much of a waste. I fell back into his family like I had never met! He has custody of his 14 year old son and we get along great! I feel safe when he is here and had during the day when he was gone but now I am just plain scared!

My kids have been in trouble so I have had to deal with my ex a little. About 3 weeks ago when at the Sherriff's office he told my dad to shut the F@#$ UP! My dad said, I am not afraid of you! He wants him to have to pay for all he has done to me. I called my Lawyer yesterday about him not paying me for 2 consequtive months. Basically it is in my Lawyers hands and is in control of the house. It should go into default. I am so afraid that he will do something while drinking, not an excuse!

Monetary things are worth more to him than people! That is scarey! I will talk to my Lawyer about a restraing order. I also told him that if I would happen to die make sure that the police pick him up!!

Well that is a short version of my life. I need to get ready to go pick up my daughter and 3 year old grandaughter to go see my son. He is in the county jail for DUI and many other charges, none of them violent in nature. I will post later, Love Javisi

[suede]

JAVISI,

I'm glad to hear that you have contacted the lawyer and turned it over to him, to have as little if no contact with the ex is the best for you.

You and those of us that have been a part of DV our stories are all so much alike but so different.

The characteristic of an abusive person is most commonly the same.

It was the love of my children that keep me with my last ex. so long that and pure fear, it was those two very things that also gave me the courage to get out.

The price for getting out though was a fate "almost" worse then death as the psycho kidnapped the two daughters we had together they 7 and 8 at the time, my oldest and a boy was by my fisrt abusive DH (dick head).. The happening of those years are indescribable and would be considered triple x rated, that is how sick this DH is..
The only thing that really kept me alive was my son and the fact that if I died my girls would NEVER have a chance for a life.

I remarried and it will 20 years next month to a wonderful man that adores me and my now very adult children as they do him.

The DH (dick head) like most abusive men won't mess with a man, and my wonderful husband wouldn't tolerate it, only I don't want them to ever have a confrontation as I'm afraid that my husband Jeff would end up in jail over it as he holds many a bad feelings towards that creep with very good reason..
Jeff helped me get my daughters back but then they were much older and damage already done.

When my older daughter got married the first time, Jeff and I paid for the wedding thousands and thousands of $$$, my daughter loves Jeff with all her heart,(to all my children, he is their Dad and he feels the same) and Jeff was to walk her down the aisle, yea you know who showed up and so as to not create a scene to ruin the day beyond being repairable, your right DH(dick head) walked her down the aisle.
He sure put his curse on the day but we all rose above it and she had a lovely wedding.

I know I should have told Jeff and did much later that the DH(dick head) came up to me all smiles and happiness at the reception, and like he always did made it look like he was saying something really nice to me, leaned over and said in my ear,"you know, *****, it's not over until your 6 ft. under". Stood up and looked at me as if he thought I was God's gift and walked away.

He has done things like this many times over the years whenever he gets the chance, thing is he has NO power over me know.

I'd be a liar if I said that even after all these years I'm not still effected by all that abuse but it no longer controls me, I have taken my power back from him. With only momentarily lapses of of the results of the past, most of that comes when it involves what that lifestyle has done to my children and their lives and now effecting my grandchildren.

I'm sorry I'm not intending to take over your thread and make it about me, I wanted to show you that you are not alone in your feelings and let you know if ever you need a ear and a supportive friend, I'm here.

None of my business if don't want to answer I so understand, but does your boyfriend live with you?
I'm just concerned for you being all alone..

Take care and please let us know how you are.

Hugs,

Linda

[Buttons2]

Javisi, I understand your fear-too bad you have to occupy the same planet with your ex! Please don't let the fear overcome your happiness in your new life! He's still in control if you let him.

Last time I saw my violent ex was behind bars in your state! That was 24yrs ago! He was of course going ballistic cause I was determined to get my son out of there.....I chose to fight him,the court,etc & as you know I risked jail myself to kidnap my son. My point? There comes a time when you have to get on with life,living in constant fear is not living.

About him driving the Firebird,you don't know it's his car right? About the house,let it foreclose-then take your half of the money. I realize this is a money issue but it's also just a house-with many unhappy memories there.

You've been given a chance for happiness with a wonderful guy,let this balance out the ugly past & all the horrific health conditions.

We can assume your ex will continue to drink & be violent. He's not gonna change. What you can do is always be prepared,keep a cell phone handy or some other means of alerting 911. I know you're in the country,hopefully you've gotten to know the neighbors.....you need to have a support system in place in case the creep shows up while you're alone.

Get the restraining order.

Tell every big,husky man in town to keep an eye out for you!

I'm afraid if you make an issue about the house-he'll have the excuse he needs in his pea brain to retaliate. Any excuse will do of course,but why fan the flames? I realize this is all easy for me to say cause I'm not in your shoes. Keep in mind that God helps those that help themselves,do your part to always be vigilant but don't let him keep you in fear everyday. That's very similiar to our gov. reminding us everyday that we are at risk for attack. Nobody can live in constant fear-it's counter productive to living!

You need to put yourself & your health first-always. And your new relationship.

HUGS,Buttons

[JAVISI]

Dera Friends,
Thank you all for the support. My ex is the typical abuser he is afraid of my dad and boyfriend. He talks so big yet he is a coward inside! I would be afraid to be alone with him!

I was saddened when I talked to my daughter and she stood up for him!! It hurt deep to the core! I explained that my Lawyet was the Executer of the estate and I have no control over what happens. She said well you have 2 incomes. I reminded her that I have thousands of dollars worth of medical bills!

She told me thjat he got the letter from my Attorney6 but hasn't opened it! Typical of him, like if he don't open it, it will go away. On the 10th of this month he will be 3 months behind. He told my daughter it was my dad that was scheming all of this to hurt him. I hate him trying to make my dad out to be the bad guy. I talked to her and told her the truth, the entire truth!

She now goes to my parents house to call me. I don't want her to hate her dad but I also want her to know the truth! So I am going to call my Lawyer today to find out what the plan is, even though I am scared. I can not let him continue to control my life!

Thank you all sooo very much! I need you all, Infact I think we all need eachother!

Still Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars, Javi

[am I Clearly Me?]

Javi,

I'm proud of you for hanging in there in such a tough situation (not that we haven't all been through our share, & plenty are still going through them). Just wanted to say you'll be in my thoughts; hope things go well for you however the house thing turns out. I'm glad you have some good supportive people in your life & such a good boyfriend, & that you know you deserve to be treated well. As to your daughter, if she doesn't catch on to your ex's manipulations for a while, be assured she'll figure it out sooner or later. Kids are smart. In the meantime, just keep letting you know you love her.

[Buttons2]

Javi, your daughter needs to go to Alanon. She's being used & manipulated. And she'll grow up to allow herself to be abused cause that's the life she knows. this isn't said to make you feel guilt! It's just a fact of life. Now she can see you have a good relationship with a NICE man,let her into your new life as much as possible.

If she's afraid to even call you from her own home-what does that say? And your ex will always fill her head with lies,he has to blame someone else for his own failures right? Nothing is ever his fault,he's the one wronged,etc. this is the mind of a control freak & alcoholic. They can't face the mirror!

You have 2 incomes?? What business is that of his? does he expect you to make the mortgage payments? He's doing this to get back @ you! Probably cannot stand that you're not out in the streets!

Just thank God everyday that you did get out! And guess what? Shortly after you took that giant leap of faith in YOURSELF, God came along & sent you a nice guy & a new life!!!

It will all work out!
HUGS,Buttons

[JAVISI]

Buttons,
Thanks for the pep talk, you always know just the right words to say! I hate him still having any form of control over me, especislly fear*ghost ! I am still working on that! But I will say that I feel very safe with my fiance. He is such a good care giver and I am so lucky to have him!*boogie

Today we have a meeting with my Daughters Socail workers, to help get her son back. My ex will be there but my boyfriend will be with me. My sister is also going. She is driving all the way from Omaha, 2 hours away. I am glad she will be there!*goldstar

I was busy all week-end with my grandaughter so I didn't get to come on BT. I miss all of you when I can't get on line. But at 3 she requires all of my time . She also exhausts me! It took Monday off to try to recuperate. Plus I had a Dr.'s appointment. No changes in my meds. I was happy to hear that my potassium is stablizing. 4 times in the hospital in 4 weeks is too much. I felt awful.

I paid my Lawyer his last payment and he is going to foreclose on the house. I don't know why I feel guilty, he obviously don't feel guilty about not paying me! I do really need that money to pay off some of my medical bills! Plus I want to keep buying things for the wedding.*diamond

Oh how I wish you all could be there!*friends We still haven't set a date yet! We are thinking February?? I would go to the Justice of the Peace today if I could but this is a marraige that I can be happy about. I am going to buy a few things every month just so we can have a small but nice wedding. I bout a guest book and pen this month! It still cost me quite a bit. I can't beleive how expensive things have become!

I will let you know how things go with the Social workers. My ex being there but my Lawyer will also be there. I have a feeling he won't even show up! My ex like I said is a coward deep down inside! All abusers seem to be! I am just happy that I have gotten to know what it feels like to be loved, respected, cared for, I could go on for ever!

Love, Javi*heart

[Kashis]

I will pray for you for happiness and guidence courage serenity and strength i found along time ago material things just don't matter the house could burn down and gone just like that but you have your family and thats all that matters

I make wedding stuff and can give yah a few pointers you can make your own boquet and boutiner for under 15.00 believe it or not silk flowers are only a buck a bunch at walmart add 2 kinds and some ribbon of all colors which are 33c a roll the boutiners buy a bunch of white roses or your choice and buy a lil flower bunch 33c to put inside boutiner and a hot glue gun and wha la not even 15.00 if you want they sell undone boquets for cheap that will make it 15 total dollars around that you can make many boquets too for under 20 I hope this helps if you have questions contact me and i will be happy to help when I say a bunch its just one bunch of flowers having a flower girl pick a basket up at a dollar store and decorate with ribbon and put lil flower bunches in there tied with ribbon

[Kashis]

my cousin moved in my old apartment where i was beaten i ran there one night as i still have fears always will but i had to face my fears once again there i coulnd't stay there it was so hard everywhere i looked i remembered things i thought had went away so i agree staying in a house that has bad memories is the wrong thing to do i had to leave i went back to a time that just tore me apart and just didn't want to go back to that situation that was in my past it was years later mind you but stepping in back in that house tore me up inside and reminded me just what was I don't know how you can do it

my cousin just moved out of there and now i can visit her again