not sure what to do

[mama sue]

Hi all, my name is Sue and I am just hoping for someone to talk with. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and have suffered much. We had two severly handicapped sons who have sadly both passed away. It's a long story, but about three months ago my husband was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and medication withdrawls. He almost died and was in critical care for three days.

He made it three months and started drinking again. I realize people have relapses, but he became violent and dangerous. He actually held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger in front of me. I had no idea it wasn't loaded. I about had a major meltdown. He was taking so much medication and drinking about 18-20 beers a day that he was blacking out.

I made the decision two weeks ago to leave. That was so hard for me as I almost felt like I was giving him permission to die. Has anyone else gone through this? He still isn't talking to me and I'm desperately worried about him. He has his family close by so they are keeping an eye on him, but even they are getting to the point where they are about fed up.

Sorry for rambling, just seeking some advice. Thanks for reading.

[callyflower]

Mama Sue,

I remember you well from the other forum where you posted about your boys. I'm so sorry to hear about your most recent challenges.

I am not involved with an alcoholic, but grew up in an alcoholic home. I think yes, you did the right thing in leaving as clearly staying was not having the "desired effect" on your dh. Whether it forces him to his "rock bottom" yet or not is yet to be seen. There comes a point where you just have to step back and hand the responsibility over to the drinker.

I wish you well. Keep posting.

Cally

[JAVISI]

Mama Sue,
I know how hard it is when you leave your husband of so many years. I waited until my kids were grown. I am 40 years old and after a year of being away from him I am finally happy, I went through the guilt too. Alcoholics are master manipulators. I now feel like I can breathe and be the person that I was supposed to be not the one who tried to mold me into.:confused:

If he does do anything to himself, you must remember that it is not your fault. He is slowly killing himself with the alcohol and the meds. You have no control over him or what he does! You must remember that. If you can go to an Al-anon or co-dependancy group. You must care for your self first and foremost because you are important!!!;)

Resign yourself that you will not go back untill he is clean and sober, and then wait awhile to make sure that he is going to stay that way! It is up to him and him alone as far as what he chooses. You can not make another person stop a behavior, They have to be the ones to make the desision to stop. He can not quit for you, it has to be for him and him alone!

I wish you all the best, Sincerely Javisi:)

[mama sue]

Thank you so much!
Well last week went from worse to horrible!!!! His family had to call the police as he wasn't responding for a few days. The police entered the home and found him passed out with a gun beside his chair :( They took him to the hospital where they said he was lucky to be a live, AGAIN!! Released him the next night where he went home and drank 30 beers according to his daughter. They took his car and keys away and now has no way to get to the store unless someone takes him. Supposedly he hasn't had anything to drink since.

He wants me to come home and I told him I couldn't at this point. That was hard not to give in, but I know I'm doing the right thing. Thank you for your support and I'm relieved to have someone to talk too.

{{HUGS}}

[Buttons2]

Mama Sue, you did the right thing. Do NOT go back! Hasn't it occurred to you that he just might point the gun at YOUR head instead of his? You're not responsible for his actions. Javisi is 100% on target. He's on a course of self-destruction. There is nothing you can do to help him. Let him go. Get on with your own life.

Guns and alcohol are a very dangerous combination. The family should remove the gun from the premises. My brother-in-law was found in his truck with an empty whiskey bottle,he blew his head off with a shotgun. He'd tried to force my sister into the truck with him,she'd be dead now if she hadn't fought back & refused to get in the truck.

Alanon might be the best resource for you right now,don't weaken & allow him back into your life. Sounds like you've been through alot-you deserve some peace in your life.

Take care,Buttons

[JAVISI]

Mama Sue,
My mo is an alcoholic and when she drinks she is down right mean. She will start an arguement over anythin g! I tried so many times to get her to stop. But all I did was find myself running in cicles. I finally figured pout that I can not make her quit. I call her or see her in the mornings and early afternoon. I never call or go over there in the evening and I know that she will be drunk.

It saddens me and breaks my heart that she is slowly killing her self and I have no control over it! It is hard to stand back and let go of thje thought that I can not help her until she wants the help!

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am. It still hurts to watch it but, I can love her as my mom but I can hate the behavior, and I really do. She rarely eats, just drinks, I can see a yellow hue in her eyes and she has become somewhat of a hermit.

When my ex told me he would stop drinking if I came back because I have learned you can not stop for others, you have to stop for you! I know that you love him but hate the alcoholism, but the best thing is to distance yourself from him.

After I left I finally realized I could live for me, finally and I have decided I like it. It is a freedom I had never felt before. The releif of the stress was great to be rid of. Walking on tip toes became a way of life and that is no way to live. My best friend asked me, if you were to die today would you want to be living this way?? My answer was no! I realized that I was sacrificing myself for others and it was time to live for me1

You can do it! Keep coming here for support. It really helps!
Wrie back soon, Dream Big and Reach for the Stars! Love, Javisi;)

[Kaiti]

HUGS to you Sue, I hope to find you strong!!!

How is everything going ?

[mama sue]

Hi to my new friends,
This weekend has been horrible. I am still in Oregon, but Bob called to say that he would be dead in 15 minutes so I needed to come take care of our dogs. Weel, I am 8 hours away and can do nothing!!!! I called his mom and had her call 911 as it wouldn't work from another state. The police obtained a key from her and went in. He had taken a full bottle of Unisom sleep aid and a full bottle of Benadryl as well as about 20 beers. They got him to the hospital and he is in BAD shape. In and out of conciousness and mumbling a lot about our boys. I feel awful for not being there, but this is exactly what I feard would happen. He has been to the hospitla three times in the last four months!!! My biggest concern is they will be dumb enough to let him go again. He really needs to be in a detox/counselling center for at least 30-60 days. I don't know what to do. Sorry I'm rambling..............Please pray for him, for me, and that the doctors and his mom can come up with a way to convince him to check in somewhere. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for lending me your ears and hearts, for sharing your stories and letting me know I'm not alone. Thanks

[JAVISI]

MamaSue,
I can tell from your post that you are feeling guilt. You did not make the decision to take those pills, he did. He called you because he knew that you would get him help. I do beleive that this is a cry for help. Y ou really need to distance yourself from this. Take care of your self!;)

This was a cry for help or he wouldn't have called you! I sure hope he gets the help he needs! So many alcohol/drug rehabs don't keep people long enough. So many closed down because of the insurance companies not wanting to pay, which I find very sad!:(

If he gets help and wants you back, wait awhile until you know for sure that he is not drinking! Alcoholics like I said before are master manipulators. When my ex became clean I went back! I regret it so very much to this day. Even though he was not drinking, that same manipulative and controlling personality remained!

I don't know why I allowed myself to be put back in that same situation? I just hope that it don't happen to you!;)

Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars, Javisi;)

[Buttons2]

Gosh Sue, I just now read this.....how can we help you? This is now his third serious attempt, can we hope he will be kept in the hospital this time?

I do have one suggestion, I realize you just moved-but perhaps you might change your phone number or at least put a block on any calls from him? I'm concerned with how this is affecting YOU.

Sue, this is a very sad situation,but the truth is that there's nothing you can do to help him. He's reaching out so he can drag you right down into the black pit with him. All this is doing is causing you alot of stress & grief!

I will say prayers for him,his family & for you. I sure hope you haven't given in & driven there.....but in case you have,we will not judge,we understand.

He does need rehab, at least 30 days to get sobered up! He can't do it alone. I agree it is a shame how our "systems" work these days. Trouble is that too many people need the help & not enough money to go around.

You are strong Sue,you made a very hard decision to leave-this is called self-preservation when dealing with an alcoholic. Probably going through h*** right now right? But ya know what? Better days ARE ahead for you. Just hang in there,lean on us & anyone else available. Keep your resolve! Keep strong,you can do this.

Also agree to try if possible to step back,don't get sucked into this. Let his family know in a very firm way that you are living for yourself & your own survival right now.

None of this is under your control. You didn't create the demons in his mind & you cannot remove them.

BIG HUG,Buttons

P.S. A shrink would probably tell you to let him go,let him die if that's what he's determined to do. Life is for the living,drowning in alcohol & drugs is not living.....

[mama sue]

Javisi & Buttons~
Thank you for your support. No, I didn't go up there as much as I wanted too. I know that he is only trying to keep me attached to him. He is starting to realize that he is losing control of me and it makes him mad.

At first he was all..oh please come back, I'm sorry, I don't remember a lot of what I did or said, but I don't blame you for leaving. He kept pressuring me into giving him a time frame of when I might return. I told him not to pressure me, that I was just taking things a day at a time.

All I wanted was for him to get some serious help. I can never go back to him. Even when he is sober he is very manipulative and it's as if he has two personalities. He either loves me or hates me. I don't want to do that for the rest of my life.

I am so thankful that I found you here and feel like I can share and not be judged. You were right to say I feel guilty. I feel if I hadn't left that he wouldn't have attempted suicide. Yet I also understand that it was a cry for help because he did call. It's such a huge emotional roller coaster!!!!

Thanks for being here and for sharing your wisdom and strength with me. I hope all is well with you!!! Take care.

[Buttons2]

Sue, I'm very glad to hear that you didn't give in! Good for you! Keep using your brain over your emotions!

I understand your feelings of guilt,but it's up to you to turn that off-nobody can do it for you. I felt guilty for a good 2 years when my BIL killed himself. then something finally clicked & I was able to mourn his sad situation that he couldn't control & decided he had gone when he needed to.

My suggestion about your phone is still valid,what you don't know won't hurt you right? We never know when this will be our own last day on earth,make the most of everyday!

I'm pleased you have recognized you can never go back,you are seeing the faults in him (and your relationship),without excusing everything to the alcohol.

Cutting all ties isn't easy. But there are times when you gotta make that decision & when you do the guilt will be replaced by freedom.....

HUGS to you,keep in touch,Buttons

[mama sue]

Hi,
Well today I go to court to file for a restraining order :( He is calling and harassing me saying that I have to bring the truck back or I will be arrested. I called the police here and they know that I am on the registration and there is nothing he can do to me.

He then made the statement that he has poured five gallons of gasoline on the fire pit and that I will not have any personal belongings left when he is through. I've tried, but can't get anyone to help stop him.:mad:

I advised him verbally that he is not allowed to contact me anymore so we will see what happens. He appears to be doing everything he can to get me back up there!!!

I have talked to the womens crisis center and they suggested the restraining order. What do you think? Is this just going to make it worse?

As always, thank you for sharing your stories and words of wisdom.

{{{HUGS}}}

[JAVISI]

Sue,
I have been through everything that you are going through and I am so sorry that their is no esy way out! Yes, I would get a restraining order. This will make him angry so if I were you I would stay at a friends for a few days. He may just drink himself to oblivion or he may still contact you, if he does he is going against a restraing order and he will be automatically thrown in jail!

This one is a tough one because we never know what a man will do, mine did finally leave me alone. He was never afraid to beat on a woman but he would never fight another man, or chance getting thrown in jail.

It seems like you are telling my story but my ex told me of the many ways he would kill me and no one would ever find me! I was scared for a very long time. He started just like your husband with all the I will quit drinking, all tr5he Ilove yous any thing he could think of he was so nice. Then the realization that I wasn't coming back he became very hateful. He cut up all of my Nursing clothes one time because I did not talk to him enough at my graduation of my nursing degree. So he did destroy many things that I left behind, sadly some things were irreplacable. But my life is more important and I know that what comes around goes around.

Please stay safe! If I can do anything please let me know! I am so proud of you for sticking to your guns! I am happy that you are so far away from him. Stay strong. And I hope that you enjoy the freedom and just plain enjoy life instead of dreading it!

Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars, Love Javi

[Buttons2]

Sue, it's just a piece of paper but you must have this filed with the court in order to validate your situation. Nobody can predict how he might react. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to plan what you have no control over.

So glad you've made contact with a local shelter. Let them be your guide.

Kudos to you for being strong!

Nothing material matters in the end. Your life & health are all that matter right now. Let him burn whatever he wants,it just shows what an out of control,raging maniac is really can be.

He's being a big bully-but ya know what? He'll lose interest in pushing your buttons if you refuse to talk to him! Put a block on your phone,or get caller ID,the more he manages to reach you by phone-the more torment he will come up with! Let your answering machine take his abuse,if you don't have one-get one,they're fairly cheap,that way you have a record of his threats.

Think ahead to next year @ this time,try to look forward,the past is just that,it's gone. Make everyday count. Start building your own life. Get out there & meet your neighbor's. Make some contacts within the community,especially the law enforcement. Might do some volunteer work,this will keep you busy & expose you to your new environment.

In other words,build your allies! You just might need them.

And be prepared. He just might come looking for you. Have your ER escape route planned & make sure you read the list of stuff you need to have in a safe place,important papers,CASH,spare keys,etc.

Also, I'd suggest you log out of here everyday & any other sites where he could possibly search out info. Don't keep your passwords anywhere he can find them.

The more you prepare the better you'll feel,you will have some control & power rather than him holding all the cards.

Please keep us informed. We are behind you & wish you the best.

HUGS Buttons

[Buttons2]

P.S. the list I'm referring to is posted on the domestic abuse forum-sorry,I forgot which forum I was posting on! Might be under the sticky, I know I did bring up the information fairly recently. This list was compiled by experts in domestic abuse.

[mama sue]

Thank you yet again!! Your advice is invaluable.

Apparently my mother in law went over to the house as he called and said he wanted to go to detox. She said all my stuff is there so I will be going up next weekend to get it. I don't know how long he will be in detox, but I'm going to take advantage of him not being there.

Javi~
Just being able to talk to someone who has been there is sooo helpful. I will be startiong a support group next week at the crisis center.

Buttons~
Your encouragement means a lot to me!!!

I know that I can do this and last night I had a dream that I went to the house and started remembering all the good times. I felt very sad in the dream and remembered looking over my shoulder and seeing a pile of "Don't Forget". This FAR outweighed the "Remeber When". If that makes sense.

I know that I have to move on and I'm scared, but yet excited to begin a new life. Meet new friends etc.... Volunteering sounds like a nice way to start. I will keep you posted.

I don't know about the restraining order now. If he is in a detox center, can he be served there? I don't know where he is though. What are your thoughts? Will the police have to wait until he gets out?

(((HUGS))) to you both!!!!!

Love
Sue