Bad words?

[QuirkyMotherOf2]

My son who is 8 and just finishing the 2nd grade has found some new, undesirable words. One begins with an F and the other one start with an A and has hole followed by it. Everytime I ask him where he got those words, he tells me a different answer. I am not saying I have never cussed but knowing my son is very repetitive in his language, I try to keep the swearing to a minimum. Now he can't seem to stop using those words. I've done soap, hot sauce, lecture, threatened, taking away stuff, grounding and it's all to no avail. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the reptitive swearing? I am afraid that eventually his few friend's parents won't let them hang around him because of his constant mouth. Any suggestions???

[milivica]

Lots of ideas here...

Someone here said the cutest thing once....they let their kid swear but only in the bathroom - they could only have a potty mouth in the bathroom. Get it?

I really thought that was darn cool. How fun can swearing really be, if you're allowed to?

If that's not ok, I would have to guess that being consistent with consequences might help. Mine always seem to be cleaning...rather than remove an activity I add one. I figure same difference, now you have less time for what you like. If he's going to have a potty mouth, make him clean the toilets. I've done that - dunno how effective it was but it made ME feel better not having as much to clean. When unsure how to punish, do so in a way that gives MOM less work to do later. I know you might have to stand there and listen to the complaining, but never let him see ya sweat, act like you're juuust fine while he cleans and complains and perhaps cries at the injustice while bombarding you with a supreme court argument.

I think one day with Vince, I sort of 'mechanically' explained it to him. I said that if I find out you swore, I have to make you clean. But if I don't know you are swearing, and you do it secretly like other kids, I can't punish you, and you 'win'. I think that one got to him, and I don't hear him swear anymore. I don't care if he swears, I don't want to hear it, I don't want other adults to hear it and tell me about it. I want him to do so in a way that doesn't get me involved. You might not feel that way, you might want him really not to swear ever. I think it's just a word, just an expression...as long as I don't have to bear the consequences of him swearing like from school or parents, I'm fine. I know he hears other kids swear, I didn't feel it made sense to tell him he can't when he hears others do it all the time....albeit those boys are groups of pals that won't tell each other's mothers, Vince still hears it, Vince wants to be 'like the other boys'.

OH, the really crappy thing, I had to stop swearing for him to stop (at least I think he's stopped, I never hear about it any more). I use SpongeBob terminology, I yell 'Barnacles" and stuff like that, and, when he yells SpongeBob cuss words, I look at him and grin and shake my head, he tells me I CAN'T punish him cause SpongeBob says it, and I look defeated and say angrily, "I know". He wins (I win!).

Be nice if all consequences were logical and applied to the 'crime', but when in doubt, make them clean.

[mc4_a]

The best method is to give him different vocabulary to express these feeling. Instead of "Oh f***" try something like "Oh Crickets!"

[Pamster]

I do what mc4 a has suggested, my son uses those same two words and I repeat the phrase with the change of the f or a word to "poop-a-doop" usually, and he'll use that word instead. Though if we mess up and curse he's right there reminding us that we said it by repeating it himself. :p It's so hard, but we're all human, you know? We make mistakes. ;)

[Mother's Heart]

i think it may help if you can come up with expressions acceptable within your family values, explain to him why it is not acceptable to use the others, how it makes him look to others, the consequences (not artificial ones, I mean the impact using those words has on him) and then every time he slips help him substitute the more appropropriate phrase. Help him practice. Apologize if you slip and say the wrong thing...comment about that being bad. etc.

I'm finding with my ASD son that just getting upset or asking him why he said or did something out of line doesn't cut it with him. I have to be specific with telling him it's not okay. It didn't matter to him that I got upset, yelled, quizzed him why he did it...well, it mattered, but he didn't understand why or that he should change his behaviour. He needed me to say, "you shouldn't do that".

Then, acknowledge when he corrects himself, a comment, or high-five or whatever works, letting him know he did good changing to a more acceptable word...and if you can catch him in a situation where you know he might typically say a bad word but doesn't, or he tells you a story or something without using the words, acknowledge that too. Not too big a deal...but enought that he knows you noticed he did it and he sounded so much better that way. My son responds to being told he's acting more grown up (since he's sick of being patronized and treated like a baby)

cussin's one of the hardest habits to change...it's automatic speech, not voluntary speech....it's a tough one to leave behind so the sooner you start working at stopping it the better, and it may take time. Lots of persistence and consistency.

[Mother's Heart]

Does he value getting to be around his friends?
If you can help him understand logically that this could prevent his being allowed to play with his friends...because their parents won't allow it and because his friends won't want to be around somebody who talks like that...maybe that would motivate him? Do you know if any of his friends use that language? Maybe pointing out to him the others don't talk like that.

When my son called a neighbor child the A-word we all gasped...then when I asked him how he learned that word..since we don't use that in our family he anwswered "from the internet" I said, how could you get it from the internet when you've never been on the internet and he said, "through photosynthesis" :D lol. :D

I guess since all the threatening and mouthwashing and privilege removing hasn't helped you might need to collaborate with him to solve the problem...become partners in the clean up his speech project...make his speech better, more powerful. or some such. work with him instead of forcing him to change.

[peglem]

Typically, 4 and 5 year olds find out that these words (for some reason) have a lot of power with adults. When I taught kindergarten- for many, many years, what I learned is NOT to give them that power. When they used foul language, I treated it just like any other inappropriate language and just said, "I don't like it when you say that word around me." When other kids tattled on somebody for foul language (ooh, how they love to tattle!), I"d just send them back to tell the person they didn't like to be talked to that way...It was all about respecting each other and letting people know when something bothers you. I had very few problems with this language being used in my classroom, it just didn't pack a punch! Personally, I don't care whether people cuss or not- my dad was a huge cusser all his life (it was kinda fun watching him struggle in front of priests and nuns though.;) ) I would warn your child though, that his friends parents might react by not letting him play with their kids- his choice whether to risk it or not. Also while teaching- some of the older kids would walk around with their friends, just spouting profanity like crazy. Don't know if it did any good (not my students) but I'd tell them that people think they are just trash when they talk like that, even though I know they aren't trash. Again, their choice, but should be aware of the consequences.

[Lara]

Quirkymother, does your son have any tics?

I'm wondering if the swearing is in context or out of context?

[rbear4]

Well the old rule thing worked for my son.

We were having a hard time with the F-word for a bit abotu a year ago. I sat him down and asked him if he knew it was a bad word and that it broke the rules to say that word and he would get in REALLY big trouble. It was one of the WORST bad words.

He said after (not sure how much he got of all that but he got enough) "You mean it is worse than the D-A-dash-dash word!" and he hasn't said it since.

I realize I had that one really easy but I have found with my son that I have to sit and explain things to him very directly in a very concrete way and that helps alot. He doesn't understand through punishment or consequences that a behavior is wrong or why it is wrong so I have to explain when he is in a good place to listen.

Renee

[The Dude]

I think the worst thing you can do is make a big deal about it (Makes them wanna do it more)

Try to ignore it and he might not feel so compelled to use them........


Good luck!

[frogmama]

My kids are the ones that had to cuss in the bathroom when they were little, potty words belong in the potty room :) I never got upset about it - sometimes you just need a really strong adjective! My oldest tried during his early teens, cursing for the shock value, I laughed at him, every time. It's hard to be shocking when someone thinks your funny... he still can't even say Sh!t in front of me without blushing and he's 18! With my daughter, the solution was helping her use words that weren't offensive instead - "Oh Tartar Sauce" (a'la SpongeBob) when she was really little she said "ooh, man" (Swiper on Dora) or "Fudgesicles/Sugar/Son of a Banana", she was also able to understand that "bad" words can hurt some people's feelings or even God's feelings. Not because that particular arrangment of letters was bad, but because of how words can make people feel. She considers stupid and shut-up to be bad words too, and dosen't use them.

[AKF]

Reminds me of a story my mother tells about her first year of teaching, nearly 50 years ago (when the world was much more sheltered)

The principal at her school was taking some visitors around the school. Out on the playground a little kindergartener came running up and said" ____ called me a bad word!" The principal smiled patronizingly and asked, "What did he call you?" ( thinking to amuse his guests with a sweet moment) The little boy replied, "He called me a M___ F____S___ B____!"

Last time that guy asked a kid to repeat in front of other people!!!!


I wish I knew what to do about the profanity, but I really don't. We haven't had good luck keeping Keith from saying things we don't want him to say!!

[The Dude]

It's hard to be shocking when someone thinks your funny...Yup......Best way to handle it :)