IN-law issues trying to work through

[krashleen]

Hi there, I am usually in the Chiari Support or the Chronic Pain support forums.

I have a situation now that has escalated out of control. I have a new DIL, that I don't see all that frequently, but my DH and I did something that benefited my son and his wife. It also benefited my other son and his g/f too. Problem was, the son and his wife are on the outs with the g/f, not necessarily the son. There was a family reunion. The DIL was told that her old best girlfriend was going to be there, but just a day before we left.

Fast forward to the night before we left, some horrible things we said by the DIL to me. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and was told my sorry wasn't good enough, and that she was going to the event because of her husband and not because of our 'sham of a family' or similar words. I felt I was suckered punched in the stomach. She hadn't even met the family, and had made excuses and more not to go. So we didn't tell her until the morning before.

I didn't tell anyone but my husband. Now a month later the words still stung, and I told my son that didn't know about the words in the phone call.
I have text messages now that say I won't be able to see the new grandbaby without her present. She has called us manipulative, but thats the biggest one!

My own son told me "she doesn't fight fair" and "she goes straight for jugular" during fights. So he would know.

I had told my son that I forgive her but I cannot handle being in the same room right now because of all the hurt and anguish she has caused my side of the family.
There is a family event of hers this weekend and while I am invited, I am unsure if I should go.

Look, we live in a different state, drive up and visit whenever we can. We don't stay with them, rarely visit at their place, and stay at hotels.

I never seen so much drama in my life...and I wish for peace. But I don't know how to achieve it, or even work towards it.
Please help me.

[Buttons2]

Sorry, I just now read your post. All I can really say is to remind you that you have no control over DIL,what she thinks,feels and how she expresses herself are totally her thing. So that leaves you with no option but to only concern yourself with your own actions. Not an easy thing to do!

I'm sorry you didn't get a sweet,good natured DIL! The remark about how she won't allow you to ever be alone with a future grandchild is pretty darn inflamatory in my opinion. Is she even pregnant? What do you suppose brought about this comment? This kind of thing brings out the uglies,it's like she is trying to be a bully-childish don't ya think?

She's said some things that show she has no intention of being part of your "sham of a family". What's her own family like? Is she a spoiled brat or what? Did she get along with other memebers of the family when she met them?

Hey, everyone needs to realize nobody has a perfect family. This is real life,not some TV show!

You obviously have health issues,I'd suggest you look after yourself first,accept what you're not gonna be able to change,and hope for the best. If you decided to make the trip I truly hope you aren't gonna suffer healthwise or emotionally over it.

Take care of YOU,Buttons

[krashleen]

Thanks, she doesn't and she does have some mental issues. She is really preggers.
The trip did go pretty well.

Thanks for answering.

[Buttons2]

Hi krashleen, if she's pregnant she might be having hormonal issues. Many years ago I had a friend that seemed to go totally bonkers during her pregnancy! It was the most weird thing,this quite,sweet natured woman became a total witch! Nobody could stand to be around her & I'm not kidding.

I see you live in the Northwest, well I'm north of Seattle & believe me the lousy,cold weather is getting on MY nerves 'fer sure! One day we have sun & can believe it's late spring,the next day it's like winter! After all the cold,rainy days all winter I really believe we are all becoming grouchy now.

When is the baby due? If this is her first child she will be possessive,I know I was. Didn't want anybody to even touch my baby for fear of their germs!

Hopefully some of these issues will resolve. You mentioned the harsh words were said to you over a month ago......I know how hard it is to actually forgive someone for being hurtful (I seem to carry a gruge forever), but you know what? We don't HAVE to forgive anyone for being mean to us. Just remember if she has a bad effect on you or your family-then she's the one in control. Try not to let her do this. Walk away if possible. And she needs to learn respect, she's soon to be a mother herself,might put a whole new light on the situation. Let's hope for the best eh?

Good luck,Buttons
P.S. Is she bi-polar by any chance? I have two women in my life with that disorder and they both run so hot/cold it's hard to know what is reality or not. And one recently had another baby,she did get somewhat more wacky than usual.

[krashleen]

Truly I believe she is. My son told me she was in counseling and I first thought it was depression. Then he said she was off her meds.

Now in hindsight, all the issues and the blown out of proportion to the "crime" we committed is insane. We wanted the family together. I told her in advance of the trip.
She called me so many names, "victim" and while I have had brain surgery/extraction fusion well I don't feel like the victim. I lost my Mom at age 10 but I feel rather victorious over things in my life.
They both lie and feed into this drama.

I am originally from just 9 miles north of B'ham and graduated from there, and my parents lived in Burlington then Mt Vernon. My brother lives in a group home in Sedro. He is mentally retarded (his words! even if not PC) so I have strong roots here.

I am on the Eastside of Seattle. I hate the weather here today. We have a house in AZ but I cannot stand the summers so since my brain surgery I spend the summer here in WA and AK where my hubby is a commercial fisherman and has been for 30 years.

Thank you thank you.

How do you get someone into counseling and or mediation? I personally have NO problem with my MIL and love her dearly. I defend my family and I would here but she offended my family and I am still like the mother lion here.

She has kicked my son out over night over fights....so she does run hot/cold. I do think she is bi-polar. I don't know what to do. I feel badly for my son, he is married to her.
Again I am forgiving her and moving on and praying to God that she will too. This is my first GK and I want to involved like I didn't have when I was growing up.

I am pretty sure she knows this from conversations and that she is doing this in particular to hurt me.

I am butting out. I will respect their boundaries. But what if their boundaries are to exclude me because of these two incidents?

[Tootsie]

First of all, as Buttons said, you cannot control anyone else, only yourself.

However, please do not allow your DIL to have so much power. Ignore her hurtful and nasty language. That is her perception of things, at the time she expresses herself, and whether from mental illness, or simply poor manners, there is no point in reinforcing such negative behavior, by reacting to it. Your son will appreciate his wise and caring mother, and be relieved that he does not have to worry about how his wife offends you. She doesn't...you simply ignore those things that she does that are rude.

Continue to attend family get togethers, invite your son and his family to anything appropriate, and hope for the best. Whenever there are angry or hurtful comments, simply acknowledge that they have been heard, apologize for any inadvertent offense you may have given, and move on.

As far as the new grandchild, ask your son, how you can contribute to the child's welfare. From my own experience, I know that new families have their own ideas about furniture, clothing, services, toys, etc. Money, may be requested to buy what they have chosen, or, you may suggest savings bonds, a college fund or any one of the current financial instruments available from brokerage houses and banks.

Be sure to acknowledge any photos sent to you with a brief, but gracious note of thanks.

Keep in mind, that women who already have difficulties with mental or emotional illness may be more susceptible to relapse, following childbirth. Your son will need your support and encouragement during these next months. Cheerio.

[Buttons2]

I have a Mt. Vernon address & have lived in Burlington & B'Ham.

You might want to read my posts recently about my schizo son & housemate.I've done alot of research about mental health. Regardless of the diagnosis the meds can often be worse than not taking them ( I say this from experience with both people in my life).

Help is hard to find. It usually means the person has hit bottom & ended up in ER or jail. This is sad but true.

With today's privacy laws you have no chance of interfening (unless of course in the future she is doing harm to your grandchild-heaven forbid).

You can pray alot. And come here for advice or supportive shoulder. Always hope for the best!

What you cannot do is understand how her mind works. Her reality is not the same as yours. The meds available are often trial & error. Bi-polar wasn't even a word we heard until a few years ago, it was called manic-depressive. Winston Churchill & many other famous people suffered from it. I believe that Patty Duke (the actress),has put alot of info out there on her own battle with this condition.

All you can really do at this point is keep in constant contact with your son. Be there for him when he needs you. Let him know you are aware of her having some kind of condition,that you care about her,and that you will try to always be helpful without interfering.

You've suffered health issues yourself,so I'm sure you have alot of empathy for the suffering of others.

You have a first grandchild to look forward to! I'm not experienced with that so you're on your own there.....many of the women here on BT are grandma's however & will help you alot I'm sure. Everyone has different issues to deal with but we all reach out to help when possible.

I would imagine that everything in their world will change once the baby is born. And it's possible she had to go off or adjust her meds while pregnant? Hey, look at it this way,she could be a criminal,druggie,alcoholic,or such.....so as long as everyone is safe it will work out OK I'm sure.

Take care,Buttons