Very stressed out over my schizo son.....

[Buttons2]

Well, I've been keeping this to myself for awhile now. I used to be active on the schizophrenia forums with the old BT. Then figured my son just might read those someday if I died & wouldn't appreciate me writing about him!

I need to vent & I need some encouragement or advice. My son is 39yr old,he was diagnosed at age 19. He has a very good job with excellent benefits. My fear is that he will lose his job,either quit for some obsure reason or get fired because of his behavior.

I see him several times a month,he lives 1 1/2 hrs away from me so I no longer have constant daily contact with him. I recognize the signs of what I refer to as a "meltdown". He's been spending money & going into debt the past few months. This past weekend he drove up with yet another new motorcycle. This is the 3rd one in past couple of years,he also sold his paid off truck for a huge loss & went into debt for a Jeep,then he sold one bike at a loss & bought a Samauri. All of this is NOT normal behavior. He's now in debt for 2 rigs & has one rig he doesn't even need!

He cannot save money,he spends more than he makes now. I try to caution him about being in debt & becoming disabled,he'd have nothing! This has happened before but it was was a house then. He quit his good job because of his paranoia about the people he worked with,spent 6 mos living on his 401 money,did absolutely nothing but play computer games the entire time. Became a total recluse.

I'm the only one he can talk to (or will),about hearing the voices,people "after" him,etc. On the surface he seems normal. He doesn't let people into his life. He lives alone. He gave away his dog last year. He's never been married & never had any children. He doesn't drink or do drugs or gamble so I've always figured I should count my blessings that he only spends money on vehicles. Until now, this is going over the top. Even his insurance co. is beginning to question his behavior.

I'm just very stressed out right now,I can see the signs of him spinning out of control. Oh yeah, he also has purchased not just one,but two handguns in the past few months,he said he needed protection since he got rid of his Doberman. Then he joined a gun club to practice. The thought of him with a gun makes me more than nervous. I don't worry about him shooting someone else, I worry he will shoot himself if the voices tell him he should.

I've never known of any violent behavior. But then, I'm not with him 24/7 of course. He's a nice guy (or comes across that way). He's handsome & extremely intelligent. All his friends are married with children so he doesn't really spend too much time with them.

If I weren't so attuned to the signs I might not worry so much. He told me that he just had to have another bike cause all he did was look at bikes & want one (this was 2 weeks after selling his 2nd one!) I have to wonder how wacky the motorcycle place thinks he is....but then they are making a fortune off him right? He gave away all his gear & now has bought another $450 helmet!

This might all seem petty to some of you. If you have a schizo personality to deal with you will understand. I feel like I'm gonna have a meltdown myself since I also live with a schizo! I cannot even discuss this with my housemate cause he's 69yr old & acts more like he has alzeimer's these days. Conversations are worthless, if I'm talking I know he's not listening,if he talks I know it's made up so try not to pay much attention. How did I get into this mess???? Having 2 people in my life that have no reality is getting me down to say the least.

My apologies to anyone reading this that might be offended by my words. I'm just needing to reach out some......there's nobody in my life that can possibly understand.Now my mother is showing signs of dementia & I feel like I'm in outer space without an anchor.

This makes dealing with my other son (an alcoholic), easy. At least with him I always know what to expect! But he gets jealous because he thinks I "excuse" too much due to mental illness. I've tried to explain to him that his brother is someone to feel sorry for,he can't help his condition & he needs our empathy,his world is not the same as ours,he's totally in his own world.

Whew, I hope this makes me feel better to let it all out here. Reply if you can relate to this. Because of privacy laws I cannot intervene with his doctor. All docs have been clueless,they have given him anti-depressants which made him worse. He was also on Haldol when first diagnosed-not a nice drug!

Sorry this is so long,Buttons

[jordal]

hi there wow i do hope you feel better it dosnt matter what the issue is we all neeed to vent sometimes. and you have alot on your mind i cant relate specifically to your situation (sorry ) but i can tell you need some understanding. i hope you know that u can vent here as offten as u want big or small thats what its here for.
i cannot give you any advice but id like to give some encouragement... i can tell you are a strong person, you have had alot to deal with brothers will often think one is getting special treatment and in turn act out for attention it dosnt matter if they are 2 22 52 or 80 its human nature. your drinking son prolly will not understand your other son while drinking through the whole recovery time if he choses to quit. alcholism is a desease ( thats how it was discribed to me as a child when my father was in aa) it changes thinking patterns its also a lack of reality.
as for your son with the skitzo i really hope he realizes whats going on... he may have to hit 'rock bottom' i dont know much about the desease but i really can see your worry for him.
you have so much going on right now i hope it starts to get easier for you. i hope that you get the support that you need.
im sending hugs and positive thinking your way and i wish you all the best.

nikki

[Buttons2]

Hi, it did seem to help me to not become so fixated on my son. Both sons will be here this week for my birthday & I always stress beforehand. Of course I love them both but it seems like a juggling act when they are here together!

I used to have a friend that lived close by & I could talk to her,that's no longer the case. Now my friends keep in touch through email or in cyber space. In some ways I think that is better,if they don't want to "listen" they don't have to!:rolleyes:

There's more than one alcoholic in my life,and I just want to point out that some of them will never hit rock bottom.....not until they are dead anyway. But that's a whole different story & we have a forum for that too! I thank God everyday for BT.

Big part of MY problem is that I'm pretty much stuck at home 24/7 and that gives me way too much time to worry & dwell on bad stuff. It helps me if I can be of help to someone else.

I guess I'll just have to wait & see what happens with my son. I just feel so frustrated & helpless to intervene. And I try to respect that he is a grown man & has made it this far......however I know I'm not overreacting to his latest behavior,my concerns began when he gave his dog away (his reasoning for doing that was nonsense). I feel he needs something in his life just to keep him company if nothing else. I don't know what I'd do without my dog.

Maybe he even feels more secure being alone,I have no way of understanding what goes on his mind. I wish at times that God hadn't given me such a curious mind,I seem to always want an explanation for what happens in our minds & bodies.

Anyway, perhaps my little story will help someone else...and again, I thank you for your concern.

Take care,Buttons

[JAVISI]

Buttons
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I had my grandaughter for a few days. At 3 she gave me little to no time to get on the computer. I have no family members with Scitzophrenia but I have worked with people with this problem and for most it is a constant revolving door. They take their meds, feel better and stop taking them. I was so saddened by this disease. It is definatly a struggle for the patients and their families.:(

When everyone around you is having reality problems, I am sure that you are feeeling like you could go off the deep end your self. But I know how strong that you are and you will surely be blessed for all of the good you have done! You are a special person. ;)

Do you go to any support groups? You need someone to really talk to that can understand. You have many friends here but a real hug and not a cyber hug, although they are nice too! Phsical touch is neede by all of us. I wish I could help you but I have no answers because aside from your son that drinks, their is no true cure for your other son or your housemate.:(

I am sending you cyber hugs!!!!
Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars! Javisi:)

[Tootsie]

Buttons, you have always been so open and honest about your own difficulties, I had no idea that you were dealing with the worry about your mentally ill son. Has he been diagnosed with schizophrenia? His behavior, sounds more like bipolar/manic/ depressive, with the excessive spending being the manic portion.

Has he had counseling? Does he have an MD he sees on a regular basis? While confidentiality laws affect the doctors, and medical professionals, there is nothing to prevent you from giving your information to the professionals. I have done this many times in the past, usually by writing a letter and expressing my concern. I always state that I am aware that the receiver of the letter is not legally able to respond to me about the patient, or give me any information, as to how they plan to use the information I provide. However, it does let me relax and know that I have done everything I could to help the person with the problem, by notifying those who can take action.

The thing that concerns me most is the purchase of the guns. I do not know what state he lives in or what the local laws are about restricting the purchase of guns to persons with criminal histories or histories of mental illness. Remember the Virginia Tech situation. He had no history of violence either. You could notify state authorities that he has purchased guns. It may affect how they procede to license his purchases.

In these kinds of situations it is difficult to remember that the only behavior you can control is your own. For your own sake, I think that you need to express your concern to some agency or professional, so that no matter what happens, you know that you did all that you could to safeguard your own and someone else's child. Certainly, as his Mom, you can express your concern to him and encourage him to seek treatment.

This may not be a very encouraging or supportive response, but it is what I think is in the best interests of both you and your son. Cheerio.

[Buttons2]

Javisi, thanks for the reply, I appreciate your support!

Tootsie, I hear what you are saying. I have considered all the options you mentioned. And believe me I'm aware of Columbine & the Virginia tech horrors(is that a word?)

When I finally got a computer I did alot of research on schizophrenia,bi-polar,schizo-effective disorder,etc.

Here's the problem,and my heart goes out to anyone else in my situation: my son was diagnosed when I took him to ER,he was put in the psyche ward for 3 days of evaluation & given Haldol. No follow up care was ever done. This was over 20 yrs ago. Through the years I kinda "forgot" about the diagnosis,mainly cause I had a very close friend who was a psycriatric (sp) nurse & she knew my son, she said no way was he schizophrenic & I believed her. Looking back that was a mistake,but hindsight doesn't help much today eh?

His behavior through all these years has for the most part been what most people would consider normal. He has confided in me when he's hearing voices & getting what I refer to as "wound up". His PCP is clueless,she gave him Zoloft. He has since moved out of my area & doesn't even have a PCP at this time. He had enough sense to go off the Zoloft,said it screwed with his mind. Well, this same doctor prescribed it to me also a few years ago & it made me suicidal so I understood & agreed he should not take it.

Neither my son or my housemate are on drugs,nor do they ever see a shrink. My housemate was diagnosed in his 40's! He was put on psyche drugs but he rarely took them. I can tell you that the drugs made him FAR WORSE,I had to call his son to get him to the doc asap when he got up one morning & took 3 showers in a row & then accused me of killing our dog & throwing her in a ditch! The dog weighed over 100#, I had just dropped her off at the groomers! I had never experienced anything so weird & was very alarmed,this was years ago & I didn't have much knowledge of the condition & the drug reactions at the time,I just knew he was really needing help fast.

They are both being ignored by the system. Housemate has so many rifles I don't even know where they all are. He gets a hunting license every year. Thankfully he hasn't even shot at a deer in past few years. In this state,WA, apparently there are no links between being diagnosed with mental illness & buying guns.

To the outside world both of them seem normal. My son has a job that requires alot of mental capability. My housemate is a pillar of the community,does alot of volunteer work,sets on boards,does fund raisers,etc.

I'm probably the one who could benefit from a shrink! As a matter of fact I saw several of them years ago when I had good medical coverage & was extremely depressed/suicidal.....they all seemed more in need of help than me and I don't say that as a joke.

Neither of these men in my life have ever been in any kind of trouble with the law or otherwise. And it's funny how they relate to each other....maybe like some kind of silent communication they both plug into when together? It's hard to explain. Doctor's have said their brains twirl around,they might be having a conversation with you but their mind is elsewhere,each time they have an episode I call a meltdown, they will progress further downhill. The key seems to be avoiding stress. Not an easy thing to do.

Money, well my housemate is fortunate,he's retired now but was on disability for many years, he told people he retired early. He has investments & property so he will be OK financially for life. He does however spend money very foolishly & has gone through a huge amount of it in the 11 yrs I've known him.He also firmly believes that he is immortal!He denies hearing voices but I know that's a lie cause he talks constantly to someone not visable,sometimes I suspect he has better control away from the house cause surely someone else would have noticed his weirdness by now???

Well,enough for now. I'll be back with more stories from the loonybin I live in later.It does help me to be able to write this stuff. And I suspect it might help someone else out there also that doesn't reply.And of course it helps alot to maintain a sense of humor! I realize what I write could be very offensive to those suffering from mental illness,I'm just telling the "other" side of the issue,what it's like to know people you love are suffering inside & to feel powerless to help them.

We have a very lousy healthcare system in the US. And mental health was pushed off the map years ago. The streets are filled with people that cannot get help. Same with the addicts. We seem to care alot more about celebreties(sp) & nonsense than our health & laws.

My situation could be much worse. So I'm thankful for the positives & pray God will watch over everyday & not let either of them get worse in my lifetime.

Buttons

[joy]

buttons i had no ideal of your troubles. i do know about just your normal everyday jealousies. my two adopted children now are my heartche. i have a son that i suspect could use some anger management but as he is an adult it won't happen. i feel for you at this part where you said you two boys did not get along. my daughter loves her brother and his child to death but since he married it all if for naught. my son takes it to the length that he does not want to his neice that is 7 to be around his 2 and half year old boy. it is strange, whether we have them naturally by birth or by adoption like me, siblings sure can go their own way when they get old enough. and leave us mothers wanting our little ones back and wondering what went wrong.

i'm not tryin to say that i understand what you are going thru but just saying how easily things seem to get out of hand after puberty.

(you will love this buttons, it is 3:38 am and meanness just came into computer room to let me know he is around). it is such a shame that we can't get as far with our children as we can our pets. i should not compare kids to animals but i have always managed my pets far better than my kids.

it sounds to me as if you have done what anyone would do in your situation. you've done the best you could with your own health problems and did well by your kids and your house mate sounds like to me. they are lucky to have you. i hope to hear that you are doing okay tommorrow. btw, when is your birthday? did i read that is when you expect both boys to be at your place?

i will be praying for a nice plesant visit and hope that you can look back and say whew, i worried for nothun!!

take care

[Buttons2]

Well,I must say in my entire life I don't recall this lousy cold weather on my birthday which was Thursday. Yesterday we got blessed with sunshine for the dinner. I'm very grateful my kids come over to be with me. It's never like a Hallmark moment but everyone gets along & I try to ignore the fact that my sons are 180 degrees opposite!

As I sat there eating the lucious salmon I was thinking how small my family is,and what it might be like if either of my sons had a mate & children. They grew up without a father so I believe that plays a huge part in why they don't want a spouse or children. I didn't set a very good example for family life.I've settled for having granddogs......and I tend to interfere in even that!

Those that know me here are aware I seldom keep my opinions to myself.

One son spent the night. Other left right after dinner as he has to work today. I let them know I love them & appreciate that they come this far to be with me on special occasions,holidays. I think both of them are concerned about my health,but they don't want to hear the details or anything bad. At least neither one makes fun of me or questions my laziness anymore.....they lost the mother they've always known just as I lost the person I used to be. I figure it must be alarming to them & I know they worry how I will survive if my housemate dies or ends up in a nursing home,etc. I worry constantly about that but try to dispel their concerns. Somehow I've always managed to survive!

My dog Rags has finally accepted both my sons,meaning he doesn't bark his head off when they arrive. He loves playing with them but when either gets into playing rough he backs off, he's such a messed up dog that anything unusual freaks him out. They are both in awe that I got this big dog & still have him,I've always been a cat person.

I appreciate all the replies here. I guess I had to wait until the time was right to bring all this out. I know everyone needs to reach out at times,but I'm so much a hermit these days that I've almost forgotten how to relate to people! Maybe we're all accepting the new me now....about time too!

Doubt I'll continue this thread,if I have a crisis I can always come back & seek help. Thanks so much for being here for me,it really does mean alot to me.We have a special bond here as we learn each other's stories. It's far different from the lifetime friends I have,they all know my situation but are very busy with their own lives & none of them have serious health issues. All of us here are kinda in the same boat in many ways. Poor health affects every aspect of our lives & I think you have to understand pain & disability by experiencing it yourself.

HUGS to all of you,Buttons

[joy]

well said and i'm glad you had a good birthday and got to see both sons.