new here; just venting

[baabr]

I have whats suspected to be Multiple Scerlosis and other health problems

the MS is slow but because I am perimenopausal; premenopause I think its speeding up the process

it feels like I can't have one day free from something coming up that I have to deal with; its always something new

I keep wishing for a break and I think the fact is with chronic illnesses there in none

but I am getting tired of dealing with it; I also have major depression and we think the meds. don't work maybe because my brain isn't normal and again have mood swings due to my hormones

so get down;

I have healthy coping mechanisms but its hard to use them when I am down

I am currently seeing an individual therapist and a therapist for my husband and I because its been hard on him and still I have trouble

but I feel fortunate that we have insurance that covers that; sorry to those who do not have coverage

and I do have a gp who is my main doctor who understands that I just want a quality of life

anyway thanks for letting me share

I don't have many people I can share this with; you know people don't like to be around people that are down; so can't share this side with anyone

thanks
Kris

[tic chick]

welcome to the forums, kris!

i see you have already posted on the ms forum. it is good to have others who know what you are going through to support you.

l have had tourette syndrome since about age 7. i am now 52. i am glad i didn't know then that i would have this "syndrome" my whole life, also with it the obsessive-compulsive disorder and panic attacks.

yet we all persevere because we have hope.

hope that they will find a cure for our illness, hope that tomorrow will be a better day than today.

i think the psychology of chronic illness is that it wears us down. to the people who have a life-threatening illness, it is hard to read about your illness and know what might happen to you. even though my illness is not life-threatening, i know i only have today to live, because none of us, with or without illness, is guaranteed tomorrow.

i think it is important to let go of thinking we are bipolar people, ms people, ts people, cancer people. WE ARE ALL JUST PEOPLE! we all have bad days and good days. we do what we can do get through the rough times and enjoy every minute of the good times.

i try and do as much as i can everyday, whether i feel well or not. if i have a pain from a continuing tic, i go out with my friend for coffee anyway.

i know it is hard to be cheerful around people when you are in pain or depression. but, i think it is important to share with your friends the fact that you are having a bad day. different friends will react differently to your statement. some will ask you to talk about it, some will ask if they can do something for you, etc. i think you will get something you need from everybody you share with.

you are doing the right things and have people on this website and people in your life who have the capability to listen and support you.

sometimes it is okay to not want to cope. giving into the feeling and thoroughly experiencing it is sometimes a great catharsis. i have found if i let myself be down, that the period i am down lasts a shorter amount of time than if i try to just bury my depression.

i think that depression is anger turned inside or not expressed. i need to feel the way i do. this self-validation helps me remember that i am a unique individual and that i am okay even when i feel angry or depressed. i try not to misplace my anger or other negative feelings towards people that i love, because they are my support. if i do, i am apologetic.

kris, you can see the good things that you have in life. you push yourself beyond your comfort level so you can do things that benefit you. keep swimming, it not only strengthens your body but your mind!

i also just entered menopause. things are the same, minus the monthly intruder :).

thank you for sharing, kris.

jeannie

[Ginny43]

Venting -
Some days that's what I really want to do, but I spend most days alone. So who do you vent to? In a way it's comforting to just hear some one else talk about daily pains.

Usually though, when I am out and some one asks or someone calls, it puts me in a dilemna to answer the question "How are you?" Do you just dump it all out and become a horrid bore? I can't think they really want to know how painful life is and what my newest symptoms - like unexpected vision loss, etc. and etc. - are. Certainly telling them, "I'm fine," sounds like a lie. Lately I've come up with the answer, "Good enough!" That's not really true either, but it avoids sounding like life is a bowl of roses. (Cherries?) Cam't remember the phrase.

So just add memory loss to my list of complaints.

Wishing us all better days ahead.
-- Ginny

[Cry Tears]

Vent/whine too! I know the feeling...like a bad monkey on your back that won't leave you alone.
You know you'll never be whole, your life will only be filled with pain and suffering on various levels...sometimes I wonder "why bother!"
But I have two people who love and need me, my hubby and grandaughter.
So I MUST hang on for their sade...beleive me...if they weren't in my life...I'd say "bye-bye" to this horrid world!
I've been in such a dark ugly mood for weeks...I'm thinking is looking more like depressions. I have no motivation to get out of bed and my fatigue is pretty low. If my husband offered to fly me to Paris for dinner or a cruise on the best cruse line in town...I'd say..."not tonight....I've got a head ache!"
I'm serious! He did offer to take me to a resort for overnite get away, but I just pulled the covers over my head, told him "NO WAY!"
Besides, we don't have the money to spend for trip away, I'm not hungry and I hate Paris, and there's no cruise ships within 300 miles from us! And besides, I hate going on cruises!
Am I qualified to be labeled as a beeeachie?
I am soooo crabby and nasty mood. But I am so sick and tired of being in pain, and my pain meds aren't strong enough....
I'm ready to go nuts!
My house looks more like the county dump site....
and I've not been motivated enough to even fix my hair or make myself presentable.
If I HAD a freind and if they showed up at my door step with a boquet of roses, I'd say "What do you WANT?...than slam the door!
See....I told you I was nasty mood!
Every DMND muscle and joint aches in my body...
feels like I've been run over by a dump truck. I look like it too!
Put me in a garbage can, call me Oscar the grouch! Cuz I AM one big grouch!
My husband tried reading me something nice and inspirational....
I just scauffed as said "OH yeah...what a bunch of BS!".
Everyone knows not to ask me "How are you"?....cause sometimes I give them the truth! You can ask them "Do you want just a nice salutations? or would you really care to hear what I'm going thru today?"
If they say the latter, I say "I'm having a hard time dealing with a life filled with pain and suffering....thanks for your concern!, perhaps things will turn for the better, soon I hope!"
Anyway...lifes a bowel full of cherries that have been bitten into and nothing but pits and rotted ones left!
Cheryl the grouch!*madcat

[Cry Tears]

When you read my post...did it make you feel any better?
Did it make you feel like you just want to see more postings like these?
Did you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside when you read it?
Did I make you feel compassion for me knowing I''m in pain and suffering?
Did it make you like me?

NO! It didn't....all my pain and suffering in the world does little to pull in those close to me...who wants to be around a grouchy B?!?!
I certainly wouldn't....more like wanting to jump in a have a good cat fight!
We have to make choices how we want to reveal ourselves to others.
Who wants to hug a prickly cactus? The cactus can't help it has prickly thorns...thats the way its made. But non the less...its not warm and fuzzy!

Its very hard to put up fronts...and I'm not one to pretend and put on a happy face when I'm not.
For me, I tend to pull away from others when I'm feeling overwhelmed with pain and
only those who genuienly care about me know I may not be all that fun to be with if I'm not feeling well.
Those are true freinds, who love you even when you're no fun to be around.
I complain way too much and sometimes overwhelm others around me.
My grandmother had breast cancer that metastsised to her spine and surrounding areas. She was in horrid pain....but she NEVER complained.
She never thougth of herself and wanted to know how others lives were going instead of spending time crying about her own pain.
She was this way all the way till the day she died.
I wish I could be like her...but I'm soooo not in the least.
I'm trying tho...she taught me a big lesson...to make myself "loveable" to where people wanted to be around me because I didn't complain even tho I should have.
There's got to be a happy medium here...I'm not sure is good to just suffer in silence and never share your pain like my grandma never did.
Blessings, cheryl

[Aubrae]

Crytears, you are right - there has to be a happy medium. I have a progressive spinal disease, which in part causes pain and walking issues (especially when I am fatigued and depending on the day) and fibromyalgia. So some days I function better than others, which in itself is difficult for some to understand.

Like baabr, I don't want to tell them how I really feel. Let's face it, most people casually asking "how are you?" don't want too much information.

On the other hand, I have found that when I try to act like everything is fine, people expect me to be able to continue at the same fast pace I did as pre medical problems - and I cannot physically do this. Often they just seem to get impatient (I would say more women than men do this). Most people who have never had poor health don't seem to understand. I don't want their sympathy, I just don't need them constantly asking questions like "So what is exactly wrong with you? I think my cousin has what you do and she gets along just fine!" (A few years ago, I was one of those healthy people, but I don't ever remember saying anything like that).

So does anyone have any more good responses we can use to "how are you today?" I have a feeling I am going to need a few, before I say something I really regret later!

[houghchrst]

Hi Kris and welcome here. It is a great place to be. There are other forums here that are active also for chronic pain and depression that you may find some comfort in. I post all over the place now. Mostly in the BiPolar forum but as life goes on it seems other issues keep coming up as you say and I find myself needing to go where there are others who suffer the same things. I hope you find the support you need here and hope today it a good day for you. You know... one day at a time and all that.

[blossom4th]

Hi!
I couldn't help but smile when reading your posts and I can certainly relate!
I'm premenopausal and hadn't considered the hefty contribution it must be making to my bad days! Most days are bad.I haven't been diagnosed.I have MS-like symptoms.The inflammation really makes me feel sickly.The peripheal neuropathy has gotten bad! Feels like overheated electrical wiring shortcircuiting!Part of the reason I'm feeling so bad is that I had to stop taking the meds I was taking to control all of my neurological symptoms,due to losing Medicaid.This month I'm in the process of getting ready to move...cleaning,packing.What do I tell people when they ask how I'm doing?! Usually I try to smile,but they can also see my difficulty in trying to do so.I'll say "I'm ok" or "I'm happy to be here" but that didn't work last night when a friend of mine (who has Scleroderma) looked me straight in the eye and said "are you sure about that?!" I was caught! I didn't go into detail but I did admit that I wasn't ok! :eek:

[MamaRider]

I came back after about a year or two away, becasue I missed the ability to cyber-vent. What a great thing to be able to do! It is so healing,for me. I hope it helps you to,Kris,and all thatcome here.(believe it or not, i have been around here in oneform or another since about when this sight came on-line- but I was over at the chatroom.)I get lost in the 'real" world for a while,but I really miss this place. the people here are so understanding. They get what we go thru everyday. Day in and day out. The struggles of a chronic illness. the suckiness of it.

It is also rough on our sig-others. My poor Paparider, my hubby of 29 years, sheesh, alost 23 years of those I have been ill. Poor guy. To be a caregiver has been harsh. That kinda thing either makes or breaks a marriage. We are blessed that it MADE ours.But, it took alot. We work at it. Please, DO get the counseling you are pursuing. It is a great idea. This is from omeone that has,well been there done that.

Good luck and God Bless

[baabr]

I just stopped by and read as best I could my post; didn't see any replies so moved on; it is officially ms; they just never did the mri right; had to fight like hell; and then apologize; fake apology; its the game we play

now i can add trigeminal neuralgia, peripheral neurapathy, along with my dysthymia; and anxiety; god what a resume

really its about pain; pain all the time; even reading or typing this;

but i thank you for your replies

i would have left this world a long time ago if it not were for my supportive husband; who would be devestated by my departing

its good to know i am not alone

i unfortunatly don't have an anchor to hold onto; not positive thinking; faith; etc. i admire those that can do it; its not me; again too much pain; psychological from abuse etc.

but maybe i will try to remember to pop back in and see who is home:)

i also am in michigan; east lansing; i would love to know who your neurologists are; if you have them; can't go back and read; too painful to my head

take care

[GFPaperdoll]

Hi Baabr, I usually post on the gluten intolerance/celiac forum but was cruising thru here and saw your post. Please post on the gluten intolerance forum, all your problems etc.

I highly encourage you to try the gluten free, dairy free, soy free diet. You might have additional food intolerances but that is a good place to start. I think with MS that they also encourage you to go legume free. I eat mostly the Paleo way myself. I am a healthy 63 YO, been gluten free for 5 years & mostly wheat free for 10 years before that - I thought I was allergic! So I still indulged at Christmas & baked for others - NOT a good thing to do. I suffered from it... I had never heard of gluten until 5 years ago...

You can see improvement & a lessening & abatement of your symptoms but you have to take your diet very very seriously.

We have seen ataxia, peripheral neuropathy, seizures & more all disappear on a gluten free diet.

I also encourage you to read the posts concerning taking a B-12 & vitamin D. It is very important to add both of those vitamins on a daily basis for the rest of your life.

PM me if you have any questions. I might not find this post again!! :) eeek
I hope to see you on our gluten intolerance forum.
jeanne