Need to get some mind medicine

[backless]

I have a big problem at times.It's called me.Too often things are going OK in my life ,but I then let my mind tell me something is bothering me putting me in an anger mood.Ive been divorced for 9 yrs.Have 2 great kids ,actually young adult children.My 20 yr old daughter,my little princess is off at college.My 24 yr old son lives in my home.I have a great girlfriend of 8 yrs.My desire is to help all in every way possible.I basically spend my nights with my girlfriend.Now,my son has a nice girlfriend,she's 19.He is trying hard to save and buy a home someday ,I told him I wont charge anything to live at the house.The girlfriend started spending the weekends and now its longer.Though Im not at the house at night ,i do come home during the day .My son seems to be the happiest I ever new him to be since my divorce.She is a very friendly,beautiful girl.But sometimes I feel she is too comfortable in my home.They do sleep together in his room,which I guess I am confused by my thoughts.I come from an family that had totally different values,at 50 yrs.old I do recall taking my girlfrinds on trips and of course we slept together.Is this the norm of today?I would have never given thought of bringing my gf home expecting to sleep together.I often get the feeling I'm the "3rd wheel"in my home.But I also have the ability to know its my mind that is giving me discomfort often.What I think about is my unsuccessful relationships of the past and certainly dont want to say or do anything that would hurt my son.My thoughts tell me "this might be just another girl looking for a free ride"and when she gets out of school into the real world his dreams(like I had) will be shattered.I'm not some mushy woosie guy.But I need to get my thoughts out there.My divorce(not my doing)made me very negative about relationships.I had a girl that I thought would be my soulmate for life at a young age,lost her to the world of big city excitement.Then married someone for 17 yrs,had 2 children.Then she decided she needed something else.My present girlfriend and I have been having a great time for over 8 yrs.Many are questiong marriage,but I'm not too eager because I dont want to break something that works.I do have anger probs.and somehow I have found the ability to control the rage ,but my thoughts make me feel ugly and dont know if the thought such as my son and the gf are nothing to get uptite about ,and say something or that its nothing,a sign of the times and be glad things arent dire.Thanks for any comment.

[suede]

backless,
I wish I had some answers for you, however I don't as you see I have been pretty much in the same boat as you for some time.
I could write a book with the experiences I have gone through with my 3 adult children( for me I use adult because of age not maturity with my children).
No, your right to have the feelings you do about your sons GF kind of just moving on in and personally I believe you should go with your gut feeling about this girl as it doesn't sound to me that you are letting you pass relationship led you in this.
As hard as it may be for you to accept your son and his GF are taking advantage of you.
I have no room to judge on this I have let all my children do it to me and I'm ashamed to even say how badly my middle child is right now and has been for quite a long time.
I feel like a housekeeper, babysitter and ATM machine in my home right now, sad huh!
I have the thoughts that make me not like myself also, I try to hold the rage in but it comes out in other ways that really makes me not like myself at all, when in reality I know my first instincts and feelings are right, these are not ugly thoughts that just come to me, much like I believe you may be feeling, I feel like I am being taken advantage of, well I know I am.
I wish you the best and if it helps to talk just let me know.
Best of luck to you and please stop beating yourself up over this.
Linda

[backless]

Thanks Linda,I get caughtup in the "things could always be worse".Frankly thinks aren't what I would say bad.But ,like you,I HATE being taken advantage of.Much is my fault ,wanting to be the care giver,provider etc.My son is my son,and I want to help him.But the gf is nothing to me.Was it my generocity and extension of welcome that makes her feel comfortable.OR,is it the person that she is ,that gives her a confidence to just walk around ,shower etc as though she's one of the family?either way ,they are both to young to be playing house,especially in my home, and I do feel better when I vent my frustrations.I always said I won;t be like my parents,I would be different.Well I am different ,but that may be costing me some space in my head.A product of the late 60's early 70's.Love and peace.Anyway.Thanks.

[suede]

backless,
Your post sound as if I could be writing them.
Thing is myself and my children have had it so much worse then we have since I married my DH and though he isn't the bio-parent of my 3 children you sure wouldn't know it..
He does get upset with me for letting the kids take such advantage of me, mostly because of guilt I carry because of the terrible, terrible things their bio parent did do to us and then because myself being homeless at 12 and a parent a 16 My mother passed away and my dad, well like you I said I would never be like my parent.
As for your sons GF I don't know her but I have to say just from my experience it sounds like the type of person she is to do what she does, I went through something much like this with my sons ex GF last fall and let me tell you it ended terribly for us all. I believe that it is a sense of entitlement that some seem to have these days.
I have to say this though my kids and others couldn't take the advantage of me they do if I didn't allow it, I can give you more reasons then one can count as to why I let it happen though when it comes right down to it, it's my weakness that is why..
Linda

[backless]

update,kinda lost it a bit last nite.all started over showers.I just got back to the house ,was on the computer and my son says THEIR intentions are to go swimming at a condo pool(her parents own a unit there)so THEY leave and a short time later their back.I said "back so soon"he then informed me they went to breakfast and are going to take SHOWERS and go to the pool,AM I MISSING something here?I said "your taking a showere to go to a pool?"I get a well I didnt take one since yesterday and feel dirty.So ,me mr.don't want any problems let it go.Four hours later,they are back.Guess what,time for another shower.It was then I got a little ugly.I started by reminding him that there is a water shortage her in Fl.Of course a reply,he says,I cant go to dinner after swimming in pool people pee in.I said dont they have showers at the pool,what about the parent place ?So I proceed to tellhim I tired of it all.They are here all the time,I come home to dishes in the sink,dirty kitchen floor,overflowing garbage,empty toilet paper,towels just thrown over the shower bar,lites on ,fans running,a/c unit 24/7.I ask ,cant you help me out here? he stares me down,with upsetment,teary eyed.I told him you can answer.So he says yes, then do it I said.At that he goes in his room.I left for the nite.So I get a tel.message on the cell from the gf hours later with all apology,you know the sweet stuff,sorry if I offended,I guess I over stayed my welcome.i'll start staying withm my parents.Well,thats nice.BUT now I FEEL LIKE CRAP.I am so tired of always feeling I'm the bad guy.Years of it.Linda,you mention weakness.I got a bad dose of it.I lived with my parents until I got married ,I was his age(Icertainly dont want him jumping into that,and thats part of the reason I put up with the 2 of them in my home)I would have never thought of bring my gf home ,without asking permission for her to spend the nite,never with intent to have her sleep in my bed .Has the world become that liberal?As for her parents,I met them once,seem OK,but I am at a loss of comprehension of the fact they are OK with her living like this.My son has started a career as a fireman,so he has lots of time off and is also going to school to advance. She is supposedly majoring in jornalism,but has far toooooo much free time for a student.Ok ending here thanks again.

[suede]

Sorry, I wish there was more I could say and some great words of wisdom but if I had any I would or should use them myself!! Ha!! Ha!!
I am ashamed to even say how bad I am being taken advantage of right now by mine.
I have done the very same thing though I have let things build up and build up til go off about something that usually isn't really even what matters. Then the guilt really sets in, I don't know what I was thinking to believe at my age life would start getting a little less all about my kids and of course now my 6 grand kids and 2 step grand kids..
I know you understand it's not about not loving them it's about guilt with me and love of course, even though I know in my heart and soul that letting them get by with the things I do is not teaching them anything about life and responsibility.
As you said I always said I would never treat my children as my dad did me, I will say this though I learned my lessons the hard way and learned them well.
Please try not to let this get you down to much and talk to your son when it has calmed down and be honest with him about how your feeling, it sounds like he will understand.
Linda

[backless]

I do hope readers understand the reason I do not contact suede via private messages is 1)I hope others may get something from this 2)this topic is open to ALL whom have something to contribute.
Yesterday we all talked.What made us all feel better(I think)is all took some responsibility.My son says he has felt bad about not contributing financially,g/f acknowledged she has been staying alot.It was a 1 on 1 with each ,the other was not there and she came to me,I was hoping he would just carry the message back,but I guess she needs to speak.That there leaves me with MORE questions as to M/O but I'll leave it at that.Enough mind games.My point was ,I believe they ,especially she(19)he (24)are to young to be playing the role of a "couple"especially when its in MY home,I pay the bills.Thats when son said he wanted to contribute.I again told him it's not about money and frankly believe ,should I accept board,rent etc.,it leaves the door open for him to then justify actions that I am now putting a stop to.He is young in a career that he needs to continue persuing,and she ,has her career dreams that I cannot see how being at my home from Thurs.nite til Mon.morning could possibly be an aggressive interest in the education needed.I feel absolutley sick.I HATE to put someone in a sad state.There in lies a big part of the problem,I know.I guess being in my 50's is now letting me turn some of my feelings outward( thank GOD).I dis say I have no problem with occasional weekend visits,but expect them to rotate around a bit.Like to her parents(one of 2 homes,or her dorm).I told him ,I want to help HIM,get on his feet,I realize its hard to save money these days for a home ,or the future etc.Thus is why I don't want to take money and EXPECT him to save.That he does. In fact ,I wish he would get out and see the world a bit.I married too young and missed alot.Therefore ,its now I want to recoup and set some goals for myself,not someone elses daughter.Jeez,that felt better.Hope I can listen to ME. Thanks.

[cindybear]

the fact is , before I go on, I have 3 Adult children and with all I have helped with girlfiends /fiances/ apartments/ houses/ pregnancies/ and now granchildren...Now they are on there own except one daughter..Which I still help Quite a bit...Both boys. I help a little but they are both have learned there "role " in life..It doesn't bpther me in the least that the younger generation are living with each other before they get married...If I had lived with my first husband for a while. I bet I would not have married the jerk. Then it was to late. then I felt I owed the marriage something..3 children later..and 8 years later and with a batered soul and body, I left him. With my children in tole..I lived with my husband I have now, for 1 year before I married him..Told him no other way it would hapen...We have been married 20 years..Happily..And he loves my children as his own...they call him DAD. cause the first looser left and never looked back..but anyway, I think it's what you can stand with each and every child...If they are working hard foe a goal. Great..I never, have charged my children, but if Hubby needed help around this big ole farm then they helped and they still help him..But I don't know if I'd give options if you really want them to save money..cause they may leave and get a apartment..and find out the hard way how really hard things really are out there...But, then I am by myself in this huge house. I like to see smiling faces every once in a while...JMHO. hugs, Cindy ;)