very depressed every morning

[GardeniaGirl]

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this...

I wake up every morning extremely depressed. Actually suicidal. As soon as I wake up I feel this way, the thoughts and feelings (and physical pain) are just horrible. I doze in and out of this for a while, then eventually get up and, for the most part, the feelings go underground for most of the day.

I have a number of reasons I think this might be happening, but I was just curious if anyone else has gone through this.

Its really making me dread waking up in the morning even more.

And its happening even on days when I have something to look forward to, which is not every day.

thanks for any comments - GG

[moose53]

((((((Gardenia Girl)))))),

http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/huggiebears-mini.gif

I've suffered most of my life from chronic clinical depression. I've been through everything from hospitalizations to drugs to talking-therapy. Told them for years-and-years that the suicide attempts were related to my menses. They all pooh-poohed that. Now I know I was right and they were 'stupid' or 'uniformed'.

I have a couple of questions:
(1) Do you only feel like this when you wake up?
(2) When you're just going through your normal day, do you have "feelings" -- do you laugh?? do you cry?? do you feel happy?? Or, do you feel like *ice* inside??

The following is taken from: http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.php


Drug interaction results for the following 6 drug(s):

zolpidem (Ambien)
morphine (Avinza)
etanercept (Enbrel)
azathioprine (Imuran)
indomethacin (Indomethacin)
methotrexate (Methotrexate)

Interactions between your selected drugs:

* azathioprine and etanercept (Major Drug-Drug)

MONITOR CLOSELY: The use of tumor necrosis factor (TNF) blockers with other immunosuppressive or myelosuppressive agents may increase the risk of infections. Serious infections and sepsis, including fatalities, have been reported with the use of TNF blockers, particularly in patients on concomitant immunosuppressive therapy. Agents that may be significantly myelo- or immunosuppressive include antineoplastic agents, radiation, zidovudine, linezolid, some antirheumatic agents, high dosages of corticosteroids or adrenocorticotropic agents (greater than 10 mg/day to 1 mg/kg/day, whichever is less, of prednisone or equivalent for more than 2 weeks), and long-term topical or inhaled corticosteroids.

MANAGEMENT: Patients receiving a TNF blocker alone or with other immunosuppressive or myelosuppressive agents should be monitored closely for the development of infections. TNF blocker therapy should be discontinued if a serious infection or sepsis occurs.


* indomethacin and methotrexate (Major Drug-Drug)

MONITOR CLOSELY: Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents (NSAIDs) may interfere with the renal elimination of methotrexate. Pharmacologic effect and toxicity of methotrexate may be increased. Patients who are receiving high doses of methotrexate or who have renal impairment are at greater risk of developing toxicity. Fatalities have been reported. Weekly low-dose methotrexate has been used in combination with NSAIDs to treat rheumatic inflammatory diseases.

MANAGEMENT: Caution should be exercised with concomitant use of these agents, and the patient should be monitored closely for signs and symptoms of bone marrow suppression and nephrotoxicity. Patients should be advised to report possible symptoms of toxicity including nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomatitis, sore throat, chills, fever, rash, unusual bruising or bleeding, jaundice, dark urine, swelling of the extremities, or shortness of breath to their physician. Patients should also be counseled to avoid any other over-the-counter NSAID products.


* methotrexate and etanercept (Major Drug-Drug)

MONITOR CLOSELY: The use of tumor necrosis factor (TNF) blockers with other immunosuppressive or myelosuppressive agents may increase the risk of infections. Serious infections and sepsis, including fatalities, have been reported with the use of TNF blockers, particularly in patients on concomitant immunosuppressive therapy. Agents that may be significantly myelo- or immunosuppressive include antineoplastic agents, radiation, zidovudine, linezolid, some antirheumatic agents, high dosages of corticosteroids or adrenocorticotropic agents (greater than 10 mg/day to 1 mg/kg/day, whichever is less, of prednisone or equivalent for more than 2 weeks), and long-term topical or inhaled corticosteroids.

MANAGEMENT: Patients receiving a TNF blocker alone or with other immunosuppressive or myelosuppressive agents should be monitored closely for the development of infections. TNF blocker therapy should be discontinued if a serious infection or sepsis occurs.


* morphine and zolpidem (Moderate Drug-Drug)

MONITOR: Central nervous system- and/or respiratory-depressant effects may be additively or synergistically increased in patients taking multiple drugs that cause these effects, especially in elderly or debilitated patients.

MANAGEMENT: During concomitant use of these drugs, patients should be monitored for potentially excessive or prolonged CNS and respiratory depression. Ambulatory patients should be made aware of the possibility of additive CNS effects (e.g., drowsiness, dizziness, light-heartedness, confusion) and counseled to avoid activities requiring mental alertness until they know how these agents affect them. Patients should also be advised to notify their physician if they experience excessive or prolonged CNS effects that interfere with their normal activities.


* azathioprine and methotrexate (Minor Drug-Drug)

Methotrexate inhibits the hepatic metabolism of the thiopurines. Decreased first-pass metabolism and increased bio-availability result. The clinical significance of this interaction has not been determined and is probably insignificant with standard intermittent oral doses of methotrexate. Generally the combination has beneficial effects when used in the treatment of acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

-----------------

Other drugs that your selected drugs interact with
• There are 1049 other drugs known to interact with Ambien (zolpidem)

• There are 1220 other drugs known to interact with Avinza (morphine)

• There are 550 other drugs known to interact with Enbrel (etanercept)

• There are 459 other drugs known to interact with Imuran (azathioprine)

• There are 815 other drugs known to interact with Indomethacin (indomethacin)

• There are 1378 other drugs known to interact with Methotrexate (methotrexate)

Interactions between your selected drugs and food
* morphine (Major Drug-Food)

GENERALLY AVOID: The central nervous system-depressant effects of morphine and alcohol may be additive. The combination may result in additive CNS-depression and impairment of judgment, thinking, and psychomotor skills. In more severe cases, respiratory depression, hypotension, profound sedation, and coma can occur.

GENERALLY AVOID: Consumption of alcohol while taking some sustained-release formulations of morphine may cause rapid release of the drug, resulting in high systemic levels of morphine that may be potentially lethal. Alcohol apparently can disrupt the release mechanism of some sustained-release formulations. The interaction was observed in in vitro studies using a 24-hour morphine formulation (Avinza 30 mg capsule, available in the U.S. from Ligand Pharmaceuticals). When the capsule was mixed with 900 mL of buffer solutions containing ethanol 20% and 40%, the dose of morphine that was released was alcohol concentration-dependent, leading to a more rapid release of morphine. Although the clinical relevance of this finding is unknown, 'dose-dumping' into the bloodstream is conceivable.

MANAGEMENT: Until more information is available, patients taking sustained-release formulations of morphine should not consume alcohol or use medications that contain alcohol. In general, potent narcotics such as morphine should not be combined with alcohol.


* zolpidem (Moderate Drug-Food)

ADJUST DOSING INTERVAL: Administration of zolpidem with food may delay the onset of hypnotic effects. In 30 healthy subjects, administration of zolpidem 20 minutes after a meal resulted in decreased mean peak plasma drug concentration (Cmax) and area under the concentration-time curve (AUC) by 25% and 15%, respectively, compared to fasting. The time to reach peak plasma drug concentration (Tmax) was prolonged by 60%, from 1.4 to 2.2 hours.

MANAGEMENT: For faster sleep onset, zolpidem should not be administered with or immediately after a meal.


* methotrexate (Moderate Drug-Food)

MONITOR: Limited data suggest that consumption of greater than 180 mg/day of caffeine may interfere with the efficacy of methotrexate (MTX) in patients with rheumatoid arthritis. The exact mechanism of interaction is unknown but may be related to the antagonistic effect of caffeine on adenosine receptors, as anti-inflammatory properties of MTX is thought to result from the accumulation of adenosine. In a study of 39 patients treated with MTX 7.5 mg/week (without folate supplementation) for 3 months, patients with high caffeine intake (more than 180 mg/day) experienced significantly less improvement in morning stiffness and joint pain from baseline than patients with low caffeine intake (more than 120 mg/day). There were no significant differences between the responses of patients with moderate caffeine intake (120 to 180 mg/day) and those of the other 2 groups. In an interview of 91 patients treated with MTX, 26% of patients who discontinued the drug were regular coffee drinkers compared to only 2% of those still receiving the drug. Because treatment failure was the reason for MTX discontinuation in 80% of patients who discontinued, the investigators suggested that caffeine may have interfered with MTX efficacy.

MANAGEMENT: Until further information is available, the potential for interaction should be considered in patients who consume substantial amounts of caffeine and caffeine-containing foods and are prescribed methotrexate for rheumatoid arthritis. It may be appropriate to limit caffeine intake if an interaction is suspected in cases of treatment failure.


[continued: see Part Two (http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/showpost.php?p=110283&postcount=3)

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/holding-hands.gif
1-800-suicide

[moose53]

GG, two things stand out to me. (1) The Indomethacin is a real stomach-kicker. I'd wonder if reactions to meds could be causing stomach problems which, in turn, could be affecting your immune system.

(2) Through all the years of depression that I've been through, one-time that I had that EXACT same reaction -- suicidal immediately on awaking -- was the morning after I'd miscarried a baby. The miscarriage was incomplete and they had to put me under to do a "dusting-and-cleaning". I woke up crying and suicidal and depressed. They actually had to keep me in the hospital for two more days to overcome that.

Two more family involvements with that anesthetic -- my Mom who had never had surgery in her life was given that drug, she woke up and tried to kill the nurse with knife. I had another surgery with that same anesthetic years later -- I again woke up suicidal and depressed, no tears this time.

I spoke to an anesthesiologist about that response to being anesthetized. He said that I was extremely sensitive to the drug, especially since we saw a similar reaction in my Mom. These drugs that are used for anestethics depress the cenral nervous system. He used a different drug for the surgery and I had no problems.

According to the drug checker, the Ambien and the Avinza both can possibly can cause CNS depression.

If I were you (which I'm not), I would print this out and:

(1) Take it to my pharmacist and discuss what I'm experiencing and ask him is he believes that this combination of drugs could be causing this effect. I'd go to the pharmacist first because they have specific training, broader drug knowledge, and more recent drug knowledge that doctors do (doctors just don't have time to learn all the effects and side-effects).

(2) After you speak with the pharmacist, take another copy of this to all the doctors that are prescribing these drugs and tell them the effect that your experiencing.

My gut-instinct, which is based on no medical experience, just the experience of living for years with drugs and their side-effects and depression is that you're having a reaction between drugs that is causing an effect on your central nervous system. What would, to me, really sort of verify this is that one of the drugs that you take could be at fault, the Ambien, is probably taken at night and you're waking up in the morning with this effect.

If you don't have the "ice" feeling during the day or the inability to function during the day, my instincts are telling me that it's drug-related.

(3) Now, it's very possible that you could be depressed. Major illnesses (especially with pain) and the way that drugs mess up our body chemistry could very well have put you into a depression.

Is this were a depression related to "life issues", like divorce, 'talking therapy' works best.

If this were a depression caused by a chemical imbalance, there are a ton of different drugs out there that work well to balance out your body chemistry.

If your case, if you do end up going to a mental health provider, I would recommend a psychiatrist. They're able to prescribe drugs. They have medical training and more education.

I'd also recommend that you develop a good rapport with your pharmacist. Mine recognizes me when I walk in the front door which is kind of embarrassing :p But, he keeps an eye on me. He will prescribe short-cover prescriptions when my insurance is screwed up or the prescription has run out. He warns me about interactions.

I hope you find a solution to this FAST. I know how horrible you feel.

GG, keep this thought in a little corner of your mind until you get this figured out: there are people that are willing to help you (here and elsewhere) and you do not need to take a permanent step to a temporary problem -- there is a solution to this.

BIG HUGS.

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/holding-hands.gif
1-800-suicide

[Mark N]

GG, in spite of daily pain and not much of a future I wake up wanting to see the new day. Can't say I am eager for it because I struggle to get up and get ready each day but I do want to start the day.

I am really sorry you are going through this and I hope you find the help you need because no one should deal with this every day.

[suede]

GG<
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it has pretty much been this way for me for sometime myself.
I hope that you are able to get pass this and find more happiness and meaning in life..
Gentle Hugs,
Linda

[debhun]

I hope that you may get to the bottom of it cause it is not a good thing but you know this.Just look at the people on here that really care about you. You should talk to your Dr and see if he can help.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Deb

[BrokenBladder]

GG,
I'm sorry that you're going through this on a daily basis. I do get depressed sometimes but not every morning. I'm also wondering if maybe one of your medications is dropping to an exteme low in your body overnight and causing you to wake up and feel that way. I would certainly talk to your doctor and see what can be done.
Take Care,

[GardeniaGirl]

BB, debhun, Suede, Mark, and Moose - thanks for the replies.

Moose- thank you for doing all that checking on my meds for me....that must have taken you a while!!!

I pretty much know which medication is causing this: the methotrexate.

If I go even 1% higher than than the dose I am on now, I go into suicidal depression.

But my dose is only 1/2 of a therapeutic dose.

So the inflammatory pain is raging out of control to suicidal pain levels.

(methotrexate targets inflammation which is the source of all of my pain).

I am truly reaching a low point with this disease and am quite scared about what the next few months, and then years, hold for me.

I don't know how to live like this.

thanks again.......gg

[suede]

GG,
Have you tried plaquenil instead of methotrexate, I don't have any side effects from this and it has helped the pain a lot?

Linda

[Lea]

BB, debhun, Suede, Mark, and Moose - thanks for the replies.

Moose- thank you for doing all that checking on my meds for me....that must have taken you a while!!!

I pretty much know which medication is causing this: the methotrexate.

If I go even 1% higher than than the dose I am on now, I go into suicidal depression.

But my dose is only 1/2 of a therapeutic dose.

So the inflammatory pain is raging out of control to suicidal pain levels.

(methotrexate targets inflammation which is the source of all of my pain).

I am truly reaching a low point with this disease and am quite scared about what the next few months, and then years, hold for me.

I don't know how to live like this.

thanks again.......gg

This is not good. If the methotrexate is the cause of your suicidal feelings, then you need to tell your doctor and get off of it pronto. Especially if you aren't able to even get to a therapeutic dosage. Doesn't seem worth it.

In classic depression, may people wake up feeling very depressed and it slowly gets a little better during the day for some. You need to talk to a mental health professional now:eek: As a mental health professional, I always take suicidal thoughts seriously. This is not something you need to wait and see if it goes away or not. It won't and you need someone to help you get through this time, give you support, AND keep you safe.

I would recommend you go see your GP as soon as possible and get a referral to a good psychiatrist. If you start feeling like you can't keep your self safe then get to an emergency room right away!! The ER takes suicidal thoughts seriously and will get you a psych consult.

Sweetie, you don't have to suffer like this. There is help and there is hope. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing. We worry about our members here.

(((((((HUGGS)))))))

[GardeniaGirl]

Lea and Suede - thanks for the support -

lest anyone worry about me, I have a psychiatrist and will be seeing him next week.

I cannot go off methotrexate. If I did, I would be in a level of pain that is not humanly tolerable.

I am staying at 0.44cc per week - at this dose, my pain levels are diminished, but the suicidal depression hasn't kicked in.

In the past three weeks I bumped my dose up to 0.455cc -- that is what triggered the depression.

But I have been on this dose for almost 3 years and my disease is progressing, so the pain keeps increasing.

I have the best rheumatologist in my city (he is also a prof of medicine at a huge university in town).

Right now, there are no other drugs for me - I have been on every drug available over the past 10 years.

All that is left is Cytoxan and my rheumie won't put me on that because its much more toxic than what I am on now.

the bottom line is that my disease is progressing and I cannot tolerate enough medicine to control it.

this, in and of itself, is a scary reality to be facing.

but, just posting and getting some encouragement helps.

Right now, if my two choices are a) suicidal, burning from the inside pain or b) suicidal depression, I am choosing option b.

I also have a lot of other negatives in my life that involve my family, fear of losing my job, etc, and all of this is piling up on me as well.

If I was someone with cancer or AIDS, and my disease was progressing and there were no further medical interventions available, I would be facing death.

But instead, I am young and otherwise healthy, and this disease is non-terminal, so instead, it means living with unending suffering at this point.

a very depressing reality.


thanks again for the posts -- it really does help to know that there are people who care.

I will keep people posted after I am able to see the psychiatrist.....

GG

[shotspine]

I have no words of wisdom for you so I will send you..........

(((((((((((((((((((((((((GG)))))))))))))))))))))

ss

[Kathi49]

GG,

I am sending you some hugs as well! I hope you can get this all straightened out.

I did just write a whole bunch of comments but I deleted it because I didn't want it to sound "all about me". Too make a long story short; yes, I was having weepiness, depression, etc. all last week. I was really, really bad. But finally figured out it is my HRT I believe; the dose is too high. I am calling my ob/gyn today to get his blessing to lower it. I just couldn't figure it out until I realized it was the only medication that had been increased....for a short time or short burst I should say. Well, it messed with me and I had PMS like symptoms and yesterday if I had had my way, I would have asked to be put away somewhere until this had passed.

But, I don't want to detract from what you are saying. I hope you can get some help with this. And please keep posting...everyone is very supportive. It is bad enough to have pain and then throw the depression or sadness on top of it all.

[jena1225]

Hi GG. To have to choose the lesser (if you can call it that) of 2 evils such as those, is just unthinkable, and I am really sorry yougot stuck with them :(

You must really be a strong person, and I admire you for that. I am glad you know you have a place to come where you will NOT be judged for your thoughts, and will receive all the support one is able to offer. I am glad you will be seeing your psyc next week. Do you think you could get in sooner? I would consider this an emergency, if that is what it takes. It does seem as though you are dealing with things the best you can, but maybe you should not take the chance (when you wrote your last note, it was not morning, when your thoughts are at their worst...)

Please keep us posted, and I truely hope you get this all figured out!

[GardeniaGirl]

jena, kathy, and shotspine - thanks.

This drug I am on definitely gives me mood swings.

Monday night, around 9pm, I could distinctly feel my mood start to change, and shift out of depression.

I wasn't particularly looking forward to going back to work today, so I don't think that is the trigger.

Its like the drug gives my body mood swings that are internally controlled - like in Bipolar disorder = but external events can make the mood better or worse on top of that.

Today was a decent day. I went to work, my mood was pretty good, my pain levels were down, and I wasn't in too much pain at the end of the day.

I hope my psych can help me find a solution.

Those suicidal drops in my mood are hard to take.

thanks again- GG

[Mark N]

GG, the path you are on is a terrible thing especially for the ones that start young, as I once did. I can tell you that it is possible to fight through the pain for a number of years but then you will have to stop working at some point. You have to prepare yourself to see something in you, more than the work you do. I had alot of prestige and reknown as a very successful high school football coach but I also understood the person I was. It has really hard when I had to walk away from the profession because of my pain.

Now, I have almost no contact with anyone except my immediate family. The TV interviews, radio interviews, college coaches coming to see me and newspaper articles telling the exploits of our team but hardest of all is the loss of contact with young men from my team and future teams came to an end. I have accepted my lot in life and enjoy the renewed relationships with my son and daughter. There is a life after our pain becomes so disabling we can't work. It is a reduced life but one that you can live with down the road.

[GardeniaGirl]

Hi Mark - I am not ready to give in yet.

I have been fighting to stay at work for the past 5 years.

My rheumatologist would have gladly rubber-stamped my app. for SSDI in 2004 - he told me so directly.

(Of course I would wait 3 years to be approved, but my point is that my rheumie has seen what I have been through and in his mind, I was "ready" 3 years ago.)

But, my job keeps accommodating me, and I keep stumbling onto new med cocktails that work, so I have stayed.

If there are no medication solutions to the problem I currently have (mood), then I will be lucky to make it to the end of the year at work.

But I don't believe they (medications for mood) have been totally exhausted yet.

I have been mentally "letting go" of my career ever since it started, in 1998. I was very ill when I finished my graduate degree that year. And it has been an uphill battle, with some good long plateaus, ever since. I could actually barely get out of bed during the year and a half after I graduated, and only managed to work about 10 hours per week.

My life is going to change in some very significant and horrible ways when I finally cannot work any longer (won't go into all of those now).

Given how long I have been at my office, and the nature of my position (it has so much flexibility in it), it is likely that they are going to keep accommodating me until I am laying flat on my back 24/7. So I will be there until then.

My identity is not wrapped into my job.

But feeling productive, accomplishing goals, socializing with co-workers, having structure to my day, mental stimulation, intellectual challenges, etc. -- that is what I will lose when I can no longer work. And to me, those things are extremely significant.

And that doesn't begin to address the financial and med/dental/vision benefits.

But tonight I am feeling better, and for that I am thankful.

[shotspine]

GG....
I sure admire you. With all you are dealing with, you seem to be on top of everything. You are the most 'together' depressed person I've ever heard of. Keep up the good work. You will get this figured out! I hope it's soon!

((((((((((((((((((GG)))))))))))))))))

[jena1225]

I agree with SS! I admire you for your ability to want to keep going even though you "may" not have to (I could be wrong financially), with everything you are dealing with.

It must feel good, those feelings of "productive, accomplishing goals, socializing with co-workers, having structure to my day, mental stimulation, intellectual challenges

I have to admit, as much pain as I am in, and other issues I have with my MS, I "probably" could still work p/t outside the home (I still work from home slightly for our family business). It would be really hard to have to get and go in everyday, and being around alot of people is stressful for me and all my MS sx's come roaring to the surface!, and my pain increases as the day goes on. Geez, I can't even leave my house w/o coming home in total pain :rolleyes:

You know, maybe I coudn't, I don't know, lol. But my point is, you must be an inspiration to those around you :D , b/c I know you are one here. Keep on truckin' girl! ;)

[GardeniaGirl]

Jena and Shotspine (love that alias by the way!) -

If you can visualize someone hanging off a ledge, clinging with their fingernails digging into the wood trim, that is how I am doing!

Jena, you wrote: "It would be really hard to have to get and go in everyday, and being around alot of people is stressful for me and all my MS sx's come roaring to the surface!, and my pain increases as the day goes on. Geez, I can't even leave my house w/o coming home in total pain"

That is the state I am getting to. I have to admit, due to the stress of chronic pain, I have been short with some of my co-workers, and unfriendly because I keep to myself rather than smiling/hanging out at the water cooler- and this is hard for me to face.

Anyway == thanks again - I wish there weren't others who "understand" this, but on some level it helps that there are.

take care, GG

[jena1225]

GG, I am sorry you are not feeling any better. And although it sounds like you would find it difficult to stop working, remember that if you are making yourself worse by doing so, then that can't be good either :( I could be wrong though, as working might be good for some people!

I have only been working a little bit from home for our own bz, and that is a FAR cry from what I was doing last May. It started out as an MS relapse, then came the lumbar problems. It really went downhill rather quick!

I definately needed to slow down, and maybe you would benefit from that as well :confused: I cannot imagine where I would be right now if I had not. And I am, by nature, a very multi-tasked, high strung person. NOTHING like I was last year, it's amazing. It was sooo hard mentally.

Our feelings about things such as going on Disability are very personal and are different for everyone, so I won't dare assume I know where your thoughts are, b/c I don't. But I did want you to entertain the idea of how you might feel by maybe going part-time if it will help you physically AND mentally?? Maybe you could come down off that ledge!

Sleep well tonight :)

[Kathi49]

Jena and GG,

Jena, first I feel as you do. I had to eventually "draw the line". BUT before I say too much I also realize that people love what they do and want to continue working. So, I do admire that. But, I had to draw the line and I did. Which is why I opted for an early retirement. I am grateful I was able to do so. Like you, everything went downhill fast. And it all began after my hysterectomy. That in itself was nothing. But the havoc with my neck began just three weeks into recovery from that. So, that was in 2000 and by May of 2005 I was done. I was like GG in that I began mentally letting go probably around 2003 before the first fusion. And also like GG, I was accomodated all the time. My bosses and co-workers were very supportive. But "I" felt I was letting them down. They kept telling me I wasn't and that I would get better and on and on it went. But deep in my heart I knew I couldn't last until age 55...there was just no way. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, the one where I posted about her arm. And her words to me were, "Kathi, give me a hysterectomy 5 days a week, I couldn't care less, but this nerve pain in my arm and neck is beyond belief!" I KNOW what she meant! And she is an Accountant...a good one! And is VERY upset that she had to stop working for this accounting firm. But like she says...she just cannot do it anymore. And, well, the same conclusion I came to.

GG,

I was glad to see where you wrote "My identity is not wrapped up in my job." I was reading a great article about that several months ago in a NARFE magazine. I used to hear soooooooooo much people wondering what they would DO in retirement. I think this could also apply to people who have to quit working too. Anyway, I guess you could say I had a prestigious job as well. The challenges were great and fast paced. I loved my job...there were no problems at all. The people I worked with and for were super. So, I had very, very mixed emotions about retiring early. But I had to stop and think...what would be best for me and for the Agency. And what was best all the way around was for me to just stop. And it was at my husband's urging to just take an "Early Out". Keep in mind I was on a special pay scale; making very good money. So, to retire early meant that my income was slashed in half. But you know what I really thought? I kept thinking does it really matter if my tombstone reads, "Here lies Kathi, she was a GS-12"? I mean really, when it came down to it, who cares WHAT I did as an employee? Was my job going to define who I was or am? Nope! So, that is why I said I am glad to see you say what you did. You would not believe the people that I worked with who DID retire only to come back as contractors...not for the money but for something to DO! It always amazed me. But, really, I think they felt lost and bored. I guess retirement did not sit well with them. So, in a sense, I sort of understand why they wanted to continue to working.

Anyway, on a lighter note. Because I have worked full time time since age 18, I guess I was done LOL! What I did find instead, even amongst the pain, that there were so many things I found myself getting interested in. I wondered how I ever had time to work! I am just trying to say there are so many things you CAN still do if you feel up to it. If I had my way and because I love Genealogy, I would be cruising all the states and going to the courthouses I need to go to for research. But my body won't allow me to work on this stuff all the time. I have to do a little and then set it aside. Making trips is out of the question for now. So, my point is...you just have to or you can find your own niche. Actually, I feel like I missed out on a lot by working. And I don't feel I have a reduced life at all. The painful moments take hold, sure. And right now my left leg is ripping out. I am just saying there are just so many interesting things a person can still get involved with at their own pace. So, the challenges or interests are still there. And as far as socializing goes. I DO still meet with my ex co-workers for lunch. It is not an every day thing nor an every week deal. On a good day I will call them up or they will send an email. So, that kind of helps to stay in the loop. I DO like hearing about their lives and what is going on in the "ole building". And I admire all of them. I do NOT feal jealous or resentful. I just view this whole spinal deal as something I have to contend with. But there is one thing they told me before I left and that was, "Kath, do NOT isolate yourself because it will be easy to do." I have kept that in mind these past two years and it is why I keep saying I try to keep the meds low so that I can function. There may come a day that I might be isolated to just my home. But until then I try to stay busy. Are there very painful days? Oh, yes! Are there slow days? Yes, to that too. But, no, I am never, ever bored. And on a good day I DO try to do more. And, yes, there have been many times I have had to say no to a lot of things.

It can get very depressing when the pain is bad. But hang in there and I hope the doc can be of help. I know what it feels like to be on that ledge! But like Shotspine said you will get it together. :) I hope I didn't make it sound like you should stop working. All I am saying is that IF you have to, you will find other challenges and other interests. And I know my post doesn't address the financial, health insurance aspects. That will be a tough call and I DEFINITELY understand it. Hang in there!

[Lisadq]

This has been going on seems like forever. But I lost my beloved mom/soul mate a year ago. This feeling is so strong but it starts diminshing after about an hour. So I stay up til around five a m. Hate to go to sleep because I know how I will feel when I wake. I feel best from eight pm until I wake up. It is terrifying. I have lupus and fibro, and the meds I take are Norco...which actually helps the depression a bit besides all the physical pain. I also take ten mg valium to sleep. Oh and ten mgs Inderal two times a day for migraines. I read a post that someone had this similar problem. I thought I was the only one. Thanks for listening. This is horrible.