Help need support fast

[all4jesus]

I am struggling so badly with the thoughts of hurting myself to the point of ending my life. I con't stop the pain that I am in. The doctors have not been able to help me and I have made too many mistakes that have got me where I am today....stuck. I've made a plan, I just don't know if I can go through with it. It's like I don't want to be here but I don't want to die either....sound familiar to anyone?

I don't want any one of you to come to conclusions about my screen name. I want to feel safe on this forumn. I appreciate all of you that have posted on other forumns that I placed a thread...Buttons2 and RustyD.

I am sure there are those of you who are struggling with more chronic pain than I. I guess we shouldn't compare, all I know is I feel numbed from all the drugs I've been on, has given me terrible paranoia, I shake all the time , feel sick to my stomach, the bad thoughts don't help either but I think of a an old vacation spot I used to go to with the family and I feel the same way....just angry all the time.

I have never been this upset before in my life. Not to mention the medication nightmare I've been on. I am so angry at the doctors :mad: I have nerve pains all over my back and head...I am scared to take anymore of the drugs because I've been hurt by them too many times. I feel sick all the time....

I can't talk to my family because they know that I have been suicidal, none of them have struggled with it as much as I have in my life. It's comming soon...
Cam

[Lara]

Hi Cam,
Just saw your message in the list and I wanted to reply. Pain is a terrible thing. I'm sorry you're still in so much pain. I wonder if getting another opinion from a Pain Management doctor would help. I don't know your story, I'm sorry. You may have persued all avenues in that regard already. I'd also wonder if the mix of meds. has made you feel worse. I know pain can make me feel angry but so can certain medications. Is there anyone you can call to sit with you or talk with you, even if they can't come over to visit in person... is there anyone close to you that you trust enough to be totally honest with them and just scream out for some help there. Tell them how it feels. That you just can't take anymore. If there's no one like a friend or family member, then maybe talking to a carer on a helpline would help. You could even stay anonymous.
Please let us know how you're feeling later today or tomorrow. Please hang on there and in the meantime keep yourself busy doing something.
You take care there,
Lara.

Here are the numbers for Suicide Crisis Lines in different areas of Oregon in case you do feel you need it. (I saw Oregon in your details of your post)
http://suicidehotlines.com/oregon.html


A friend of mine posted this here a long time ago. I know they won't mind repeating it now. It's taken from "A Reason to Live" by Melody Beattie.

What to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide.

Sit down and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply again and again.

Turn on the lights or open a door or window.

Pick up the phone and call a friend, even if you have to call collect. Talk to the operator if you don't have strength to dial the number.

Say your name out loud. Say your friends' names out loud. Repeat and combine these names with your name.

Cry, even if it means weeping bitterly. Scream; "God, why am I in such despair? Why did you do this to me? Tell me why."

Pray. Say: "God, help me. Please give me a reason to live."

Touch yourself. Feel the rapid beating of your heart.

Turn on the television, radio, or stereo.

Close your eyes and think about The Wizard of Oz or chocolate ice cream or giraffes.

Get out a photo album and look at the pictures of your family and friends.

If you have a pet, pick it up and hold it tightly.

When you have the strength, get out from where you are. Go to the movies.
Go to the shopping mall. Go to a neighbor's or a friend's house. If you
are afraid to drive, run as fast as you can for as long as you can.

Get yourself to where there are people.

[moose53]

((((((Cam)))))),

Please!! No!!

I've been on both sides of suicide. My brother killed himself 40+ years ago. I'm still paying for that one. It destroyed everyone in my family.

Suicide doesn't solve anything ... all it does is shove the problems off onto someone else that is NOT the cause of the problems.

I've also been on YOUR side too. I attempted suicide 7 times. The last time would have been 'it' if my husband hadn't had a "weird feeling" and came home early. He came home to almost losing his wife and his kid.

My last suicide attempt was in December 1979.

I've been hospitalized -- both mandatory and voluntary. I've been drugged. Psychoanalyzed. Overmedicated. Undermedicated.

Until ... I finally found someone that could help me. And was willing to work with me to work this out. A lot of my problems came from my brother's suicide. Took me 13 years to get out from under that. I'm still trying to work things out. Now, I want to talk with the guy who gave him the pills and find out WHY.

As you can no doubt tell, suicide has become something that I'm very familiar with. I've spent years and years learning everything I can about it. I've collected bookmarks that you might be interested in:
http://public.murl.com/moose53/HEALTH_AND_MEDICAL/PSYCHIATRY-PSYCHOLOGY/SUICIDE
(press the [page-down] key 4 times to get to the appropriate section)

You know something, I spoke with Rabbi Earl A. Grollman once. He's spent a lifetime learning and understanding losses. He said that you become an expert in that that you fear the most. He fears death, so he became a thanatologist (someone who studies reasons for dying). I fear suicide, so I've spent a lifetime studying suicide.

If you turn on the lights in a dark room, you can see the snakes on the floor. It's the same with suicide -- if you turn on the lights, you'll find out WHY it's such an attraction to you and you'll out WHY you think it will solve anything.

You sound like you have chronic pain. I understand that too. I have fibromyalgia (which is pretty well controlled). I have a blood condition that's destroying the nerves in my hands and feet. This blood condition may or may not go over to terminal bone cancer. I have arthritis in my back which hurts all the time. I also have a very unstable neck. Bad-bad pain for the past two months. I finally gave up and got an epidural (heard the professor say "you missed it") :mad: -- exactly what you don't want to hear when you can only get 3 epidurals a year. That means I get one more shot for my neck and the final shot for my lumbar. Lousy odds. I wouldn't gamble with stinkin' odds like this.

Cam, I've learned a lot of things through this life of mine. Some of them I just learned -- yet should have learned them when I was a toddler :p I'm a slow learner sometimes.

The biggest thing that I've learned is no one will stand up for me as well as I can stand up for myself. Shoot Cam, you feel numb and paranoid and shaky and sick to your stomach. **** man. Get off your *** and do something about it. Why the hell would you tolerate feeling like that?? If you were the worst person in the world, you would deserve better treatment than that.

The darn doctors are not Gods. They don't know everything. They don't even know one-half of everything.

Maybe the meds are wrong for you.

Maybe homeopathic and meditation is the way to go.

But, for God's sake, Cam. Don't just say I'm going to allow people to treat me like this. I'm not going to do anything to make it better. I'm just going to throw it up in the air and see where it lands. Hell, what happens if you try to off yourself and you fail -- and you're worse off than before??

What happens if you succeed?? And go to heaven -- if you're allowed. Or onto your next life. Whatever happens after this one. And you find out that if you had just waited for one more week, there would have been a better drug, or a better doctor, or a cure, or you would have found out that swimming stops your pain, or mountain-climbing stops your pain and there's a train leaving for the bottom of the mountain on May 15.

Krikey, Cam. Don't make such a permanent decision for such a temporary problem. You've seen that guy -- what's his name -- Hawking -- the one that lived for over 40 years with ALS -- he just experienced weightlessness. He had a huge grin on his face. His wife, his family, everybody gave up on him. They got tired of the constant caretaking. You've seen people with no legs. With no vision. Born with no arms. Born with a screwed up brain like me.

And YET -- it is STILL WORTH IT TO STAY HERE. Because you do not know what you'll get afterwards.

There are all sorts of help that you can get. You can participate in clinical trials. I did that for 2 years when prozac was first being tested.

Recovery, Incorporated meetings are all over the place. They teach you how to continue to cope and to move your muscles and to just do what needs to be done. Because the alternative sucks.

David K. Reynolds -- read his stuff. He's spent a lifetime studying the ancient oriental ways of living your life. Just being.

You don't want to compare yourself and your pain with someone else's and say -- "well, mine isn't as bad as their's". That's a pointless point-of-view.

The fact is you are a wonderful, special human being that fills a purpose on this planet. You have family, friends, co-workers, people that see you in the grocery store, people that talk to you on internet forums. Your leaving would create a huge Cam-sized hole in The Universe that would never-ever be filled again.

Not something that I want.

Get some paper and a pen or crayons or anything and write down HOW YOU ARE GOING TO FIX THIS -- STARTING NOW. You don't deserve to feel like this. You deserve better than this. If nobody else wants to give you what you deserve, get it for yourself. Buy your own flowers.

You can't just come on here and say you plan to off yourself and walk out of the room. I'll find your sorry *** and punch you in the nose. You are gonna stay here and work this crap out.

You've got a TON of people here that are willing -- MORE THAN WILLING -- to help you.

BIG HUGS (and love).


Barb
1-800-suicide (1-800-784-2433) -- http://suicidehotlines.com

PS: I don't know how much of this is going to be converted to the famous asterisks. If the curse words don't get converted, I'll re-edit. Don't want to offend anyone; just wanted to get my point across.

[Buttons2]

Morning Cam, I was in the black pit myself yesterday, so probably a good thing I didn't see your post! You better still be here so you can read this! I looked at the calendar and saw it was a full moon......that explained MY total despair, it's not something that happens every month (thank God), but it is a definite day for me to just let it go & burrow in. I read a book that will take my mind off myself if only for a few hours.

When I'm like that I'm not much good to anyone else. I let all my anger at doctors,my family,my housemate,take over. I don't bother to get dressed or cook a decent meal. All I want to do is die,end it,get it over with,cause I really feel like my life's a big waste & cannot see any improvement in the future.I can't stand listening to the news or reading a newspaper-everything becomes negative to the max in my mind. I plot ways to do it so I will succeed this time-figuring third time will be the charm.

It's been 38 yrs since I attempted suicide. And I tried it twice within a few months time, when I was pregnant, living with an abusive husband & completely isolated from friends/family.

Somehow I kept on going. Maybe just so I could grow older & be here for the internet age of connecting with other people that might just need me.....I cannot look back & say my life has been great. I can't look forward & say my situation will improve. What I can do is keep struggling with each day as it comes along.

Count my blessings for today. Listen to the birds,watch the bunnies chasing each other in the yard,take my rescue dog for a walk & smell the cedar trees. Learn something I didn't know yesterday. Pick some flowers.Force myself to complete one task. Make plans to do something to get me out of the house soon.

In other words-just get through the day,cause tomorrow just might not be as bad, and maybe there's a day ahead with some small joy.

This morning a cyber friend sent me pics of her beautiful spring flowers, now she really had no idea how depressed I was yesterday but she caught on enough to know I needed her to reach out to me & she did.

I can't send you flowers or I surely would, I can let you know I care & have lots of empathy for you. If I could wave a magic wand & make the pain go away I would. If I could find you a doctor who would listen & make your life pain free (or at least tolerable), I would. All I can do is be here, and if I give up then who knows what someone else might do? How many people would I destroy?

We might feel we are just a worthless speck in the universe,but that just isn't true! We DO matter,each & every one of us. Cause this is it.....if we leave we will never know what tomorrow might have brought into out lives! Everyday we are here is a day for a possible cure for our diseases,a day for the possibility of less pain,a day for a change in our lives that we never dreamed could happen. Each day brings possibilities, but only if we are here for them.

I don't even know why I checked this forum today, but I have to guess it was for YOU, I'm still here, I need you to hang in with me OK? Let's try to figure out how to get you some real pain relief. There's got to be an answer out there somewhere. Replace some of the negative with a healthy measure of positive!

Please reply, even if just to say hello. The further down into the pit you go,the harder it is to crawl back out. I'm reaching out a hand,grab it & hang on tight,now start climbing up,up,up. Scream,stomp,punch a pillow, what ever it takes to get some of the agony out.....have a good cry, now let's find a solution for at least ONE problem OK?

BIG,GENTLE HUG to you,Buttons

[all4jesus]

Hello,

I spend way too much time in fantasy island, dreaming of a cure for mental illness...brain and nerve pain. Could that be today..(sob).

I was walked on by doctors and all of them think that I am paranoid for the pain that I suffer from now because of their stupidity.

Just to let you kow a little history I was hospitalized a few times, one two years ago and but before admitted I was given Haldol - for sleep in the emergency romm because I was suicidal. I GOT A DYSTONIC REACTION!! I was brought into the hosptial to get a antidotal shot. Got akathasia from all the benedryll I took and was sent to the hospital.

I had a bout of stability- no pain at all only taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med. But four months ago I got panic attacks again, nervous breakdown overdosed on my klonopin and wanting to go to the hospital. I was thinking that my meds were not working anymore so that's what Idecided to do-HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!

I came back home after being overdrugged on DEpekote and lamictal and sleep medications.

Needed my anti-anxiety so got a prescription from my nurse practicioner. More Sleeping pills...anti-anxiety meds....couldn't get the sleep I needed...I COULDN"T SLEEP FOR A MONTH STRAIGHT!!

Then it got worse, given Serequel-antipsychotic by a psychiatric nurse practioner and got a horrible reaction to that I was sleepy though so I thought it was normal, took more of it the next day and woke up my whole body felt like it was burning.... I had a fizzing feeling on my brain. Shooting pains in my back. Nerve pain in my head. More medications, Lithium, that gave me brain shakes...AHH,

I feel like a hopeless basket case right now....only because my family and doctors are so tired of hearing about all these symptoms that I am having and "it not in the text" that I would have these reactions and it's out of my system now....I DON"T TRUST DOCTORS, OR MYSELF because it's only made suicide that much more appealing to me.

I am supposed to go to a support group but I don't feel like it I'm so angry all the time...I do ddeep breathing but it doesn't help...I don't know what to do anymore.:(

I feel sick all the time.....Iget so angry inside that I think of the most horrible things. Could it be the meds...yes, there needs to be more advocacy for these things.

Today I was going to buy a gun.....I don't want to die but I can't do this anymore...

I've been barely hanging on for months now.

Cam

[moose53]

Still here...


Good, that's Step One http://smilies.sofrayt.com/fsc/victory.gif

What drugs are you taking now??

It really grabs me by the throat and squeezes hard that 'they' usually say something like "you're over-reacting" when they have no clue what the heck the problem is.

We all react to drugs in different ways. I haven't had the same types of bad reactions as you. I remember taking something once -- took one pill, sat down on the sofa to watch TV. Woke up 48 hours later with my head on the end table. Great stuff :mad: I usually get bad stomach problems -- sometimes ulcers -- from drugs that don't agree with me.

((((((Cam)))))), take a DEEP BREATH. Forget about the gun. It's too messy. It'll cause too many problems. And with your crappy luck, you'll probably hurt yourself.

You sound like you've got a lot of medical problems (and psychiatric -- got way too much experience in that area, myself :rolleyes: ). Pick the ONE THING that is causing you the most disruption to your life, the most pain -- what can you do about it to make it -- if not 'perfect' (which doesn't exist) -- at least better?? *YOU* know your body and the physical and mental reactions better than anyone. There are probably some things that are giving you some small amount of 'relief' or 'comfort'. Try to focus on those and get more of those in your life.

One thing that stood out to me in what you just said was that you're seeing nurse practitioners. Question, are you seeing the medical doctor at your office visits or only the nurse practitioner??

Forget about deep breathing exercises. Find a nice garden or a HUGE tree or water (pond, lake, river) and sit quietly and JUST LISTEN to what's happening around you.

You're in such a frantic pace inside your head trying to solve everything at one time.

Just slow way down and don't do anything but L-I-S-T-E-N to The Earth sounds around you.

Nothing has to be solved right now. No permanent decisions need to be made right now. All you need to do is TAKE ONE STEP toward making things better for yourself. Smell a flower. Make a salad. Look at the clouds. Look up at a huge tree.

You CAN get through this. AND *BE BETTER* on the other side once you get through this.

Keep talking. Keep hanging on. Keep writing. Take ONE STEP toward **BETTER**.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb http://smilies.sofrayt.com/fsc/tulips2.gif

[Buttons2]

Hi Cam, I know you live in central Oregon, I sure hope you are getting some sunshine right now!

Do you like to read? (other than all the wise advise on BT that is). If you do,please get some good books to help you lose yourself in other fantasies than the one's in your mind.

Support group? I can understand how you would be reluctant to go, just remember that the first step is the worse,and if you don't try you will never know what might be there that is good & positive for you. It sounds like an excellent way for you to release some of your anger. Maybe someone else there has had similiar experiences with the same drugs or doctors!

Haldol is what my son was given when in the hospital, I was ignorant at that time about drugs,but I still recall his tongue flickering & the zombie look on his face. And my housemate has been prescribed anti-psychotics for many years, worse scare I've had about his health in the past 10 yrs was when he actually took the pills during a stressful time! Extreme paranoia & hallucinations! So I do understand how drugs can affect people in ways the doctor's are completely ignorant about! As for nurse pratictioner's handing out drugs, also have had experience with this. My son was given Zoloft,so was I. It made me suicidal & made him hear voices. This drug is given to children!!:eek:

Lithium, have had experience with that also. Cam you are NOT alone in realizing drugs aren't always the answer & in having doctor's pass this stuff out without having a clue what might happen! I'm amazed you can write a coherent sentence if your brain has been scrambled by all this medication!

But, my point is, that you are still here & you are intelligent enough to realize you need help. It's the anger that is eating you up. I understand that also. You've been labeled,drugged & dismissed. You are not alone,you don't have to accept this as your fate.

Let's get more information so we can help you as much as possible OK? Do you live alone? Do you have a pet? Do you have any special friends? What in life does give you a little bit of pleasure? Are you eating healthy? Taking any vitamins or herbs? Have you ever had your B12 level checked?

Sorry if I'm asking too many questions, I'm trying to get a more complete picture of how we might help, and I apologize if I already asked these questions in the past (my brain function isn't what it should be!)

Forget about buying a gun! Ya got lots more important things to spend your money on, and like Moose said, what if you just managed to injure yourself? Buy a punching bag instead! Or a beautiful bouget of flowers! Get a massage!

Whens' the next support meeting? We can help you to prepare for going.....who knows, it just might be one of those miracles in life. You won't know unless you try right? If nothing else you can come back here & tell us all about the loonies you met:rolleyes: Be curious,see what's out there for you. It might just be a GOOD thing & here you are missing out on it!

Sending nothing but good vibes your way.....if you can't take a deep breath,then try screaming into a pillow! Let go....even if just a wee bit.

HUGS,Buttons

[all4jesus]

:oI was reluctant to go to group today but went anyways and cried as soon as I got in there. I don't want people to feel sorry for me but there hasn't been any other way that people can help me get myself up.

I have been so focused on the medications but I know that they did some things to me that will never go away. I should have just told the psychiatric nurse NO!!! I don't need these...even if it meant going days without sleep was better than being on depressants and trying to sleep.

With the Lithium I was also on Cymbalta....the Lithium made me feel like my spine was being drilled to the ground.

As weird as this may sound when I took the Serequel that the doctor had prescribed my eyes crossed, my heart was going out of rythym and I wsa half asleep and thought that my parents were poisoning me...that because I had given them so much grief that they say how "nuts" I wsa acting and I could finally leave them alone so that I could sleep and they could sleep that night. I saw myself in a casket with pink flowers I thought and believed that I was going to die....that what the drug did to me not to mention I was walking weird the next couple of days. I believed that it crossed the blood brain barrier because of the fizzling feeling in mt head.

I should have known better not to take that medication after getting the antidote from the haldol, class of meds, phenohiazines.
I woke up the next morning trying to catch my breath and my body was on fire it felt like I was going to Hell literally. The reaction burned my mouth. So obviously toxic reaction.


But then by my regular doctor I was given Risperdal...another of the same class...my feeyt felt cold to the bone it was weird.

Anyway, I have been obssessed with these meds because four months ago was put on heavy ones that was not getting any relief but made me zombie
Depakote and Lamictal-2 weeks Janurary of this year
Temezepam for anxiety
was not getting any relief, felt horrible didn't believe that I was bipolar and went cold turkey off those and stayed on Paxil CR that I was on for two years before. Made a hard decision to try a new anti-depressant and so went on Effexor for a week with the Paxil CR...afraid of Seretonin Syndrome...yes I was and was getting more neck pains
Also given back the clonpopin and Ambien for sleep.
Was still anxious as Hell and started getting thoughts of hurting other people, not like me at all. I think that it was the Effexor XR!!!
Went back into the doctor and was given Ativan because it worked for me before not that time....still no sleep at all.

Prescribed Valium for sleep... took that a couple of times and really didn't help just made me out of it. Still taking anti-anxiety meds and drank alchohol a few times out of hoplessness just made things worse.

That's when I got desperate and decided to see a psychiatric "pill pushing ******* with the county mental health" that gave me the serequel by now it is mid Feburary. That's when the real side effects and I believe permanant damage occured.

I decided to go homeopathic and bought some calming with herbs I don't remember what's in them....but didn't work..

Then was also on Lithium and Cymbalta....Risperdal for sleep took twice and over the counter once...and Temezpam a few times which is a benzodiazapine.


So I have been on mostly depressants, I know that I was stupid to take the combinations....mind you the whole time I went thorugh that I was hallucinating thinking that i was gonna die like Anna Nicole Smith from an overdose...I didn;t mind the thoughts but then it got to getting angry that I was not getting better, self medicating to punish myself for getting there in the first place by taking the meds that were hurting me and feeling hopeless that it would never change!

I went off of everything and started from scratch a few weeks ago but I haven't been wanting to do anything, I've lost my passion,

I thought that the Cam that I once knew really died that Wednesday night in Feburary.

Then things started to get a little better with the physical except that I think that I have stomach bleeding from an ulcer. I have wierd firey feeling in my body, I tremor alot, oh, the nerve pain started the morning before the serequel and it caused the nerve crawly feeling in my scalp and then to my brain....can these things cross the blood brain barrier??

I was also born with scoliosis and spina bifida. Which I felt my spine starting to twist more iwth the serequel....

I take Alprazolam 1-2mg per day and 10mg of Lexapro another antideppressant right now I don't work I sit alot at hom, I go outside once in a while or get out to a movie to escape. I've been seeinga therapist but I think that she gets' frustrated with me because i feel the same angry, suicidal, helpless that I could control the past hurt and pain cause by the meds.

I'd go to church not feeling the love from God but that becasue I left Him that I have suffered these consequences for my sins..not taking care of my body-the temple of the holy spirit...if he's still there. Because in my heart I had forsaken the Lord thinking that my fate has already been chosen for me tragedy...

I also got in a fender bender yesterday:( which made me more nervous and insecure about the future...my fault...was minor and I'm not hurt and neither the other person but I didn't need to deal with this right now.

I need to know that there are those of you out there that may have experianced the same medication toxicity and if there is any hope for getting back to my old self....functioning...not comatose...zombie...angry!

I live at my parents house and they have two little dogs, one of them is mine and the other theirs...I have kinda neglected him...when I first cam back from the hospital I missed him, he was my "pookey"....zak is his name but I had all kinds of names for him...I dropped one of meds onthe floor...oops and I think he got ahold of it...he is alright though but had gotten even more aggresssive and I get annoyed by Him.

I don't know what I enjoy right now...I used to make jewlery and sell it but I've lost my motivations...for life... and it's taken it's toll on me that now that I want to take control back and feel love and happiness again....it seems to far fetched.

I try to eat healthy but it's mostly junk because I enjoy the sugar.

I drink way too much water but I still feel dehydrated and my eyes burn all the time....is it because I'm allergic to the alprazolam (xanax)...I got my glucose level checked and everything is fine. I take a B-Complex but haven't gotten the shots yet. How does one deal with the crazy thoughts...seeing people dying...not caring what happens to me....seeing bombs...aweful stuff that don't scare me because I'm so used to picturing them in my mind along with the voice telling me that it's my time to go, "just do it" all the time?

I do notice that I have one pupil larger than the other and that has never been a normal thing for me. I got an MRI but was only for the stucture of the brain....everything came back normal he said....i didn't get to see the pictures though..I feel aweful because my parents paid for this and I'm not getting better, living my life.

I just want to go back four months....anyone have a time machine...haha
Sorry for the long one....the weather has been pretty nice but I dont' feel much like going out much...I'll get there. I'm pissed off though, at myself mostly for being so stupid about not taking care of myself....was almost like slow suicide.

I layed alot out for ya'll, I don't know that I just need some thing to click and have those positive feelings again without faking it.
Cam

[moose53]

((((((Cam)))))),

I've got a BIG FEELING that some of these drugs are causing the bad feelings that you're having.

Some of those that you listed -- Cymbalta, Effexor -- you can't just stop taking them. You have to ramp down slowly.

Read this:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/wdrawl/ -- starting about halfway down the page.

I've gone into major-league withdrawal symptoms after just 7 days of not being able to get my Effexor XR prescription filled. Sometimes because of the winter weather, I can't get my scooter out to the pharmacy. Sometimes, the staff at the doctor's office are just entering the "Molasses of the Year Candidate" contest. Sometimes, money. It takes me about a month to get back after re-starting the Effexor.

A lot of these drugs that work on the chemistry in your brain actually change your brain.

You have to be very careful when taking these. You can't just stop when you want to. You can't be combining homeopathic with prescription unless you know what kinds of reactions/interactions you're could possibly be getting.

This is just me and my years of taking meds and working with good and not-so-good and actually-bad doctors. I'm not trying to give you any advice that goes against doctors' advice. I'm just trying to make you aware that YOU are the one that's in charge. You need to rip control of your medical health out of the doctors' hands and take back your life.

The first place that I'd start at is sit down with one of the doctors that you like and trust and discuss ALL of your meds with him/her. You need to pare these things down so that you're not getting so many interactions.

This is a useful tool: http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.php. Enter your current drugs into this and check to see if there are any interactions.

Whenever I'm given a new drug, I always get the insert paper from the pharmacist and read it. You need to know what you're taking, what any possible side effects are, what the contraindications are. Doctors that prescribe drugs do not know this usually. I've actually told my doctor that I could take drug X because of a certain side effect. She'd look it up in the PDR and see that "yes, that really is a reason to stop taking it".

Oh, get to know your pharmacist really well. Mine recognizes me as soon as I come in the front door :o Embarassing. But good. He watches out for me. He answers any questions that I have. If I'm short of money and I need my blood pressure meds, he'll give me some to hold me over until my check comes. Pharamacists know much more than doctors about drugs. It's got nothing to do with intelligence. It's more to do with time and training. Doctors just don't have the time to learn everything that they need to know.

Cam, we have to be smart about our interactions with doctors and accepting what they tell us and accepting what they give us.

I'm glad you got to go to group. If you cried -- that's a good thing (excuse the 'Martha-ism' :p ). Sometimes, life is just so overwhelming that we NEED TO CRY. Crying clears out the cobwebs and releases the tension. It's what I said before -- some of the things that you're doing are providing at least some comfort -->> those are the things that you have to keep in your life.

I just entered Depakote and Lamictal in the drug checker -- geeze Louise :eek:

Stay strong. Keep putting those feet in front of each other. Keep writing. We're here for you. BIG HUGS.

Barb http://smilies.sofrayt.com/fsc/girl%20with%20butterfly.gif

[waves]

Hi there Cam.

FWIW, I want you to know you are not alone and I can relate to wanting to just give up, because that is where i am/have been lately.

i do not have the pain or med issues you have; i cannot imagine that, but i certainly do not think it is YOUR imagination and docs who say that need to have their heads bonked together. The pain i have experienced is from migraines... to tears... but no chronic issues.

i just have background thoughts, foreground thoughts, and recently tested out logistics of a plan... in case i really can't stomach things any more.

i had been doing better but slip-slided away as soon as i started looking at "real" possibilities for me in the "real" world. It was a slap in the face and after trudging through a couple of weeks... but would you believe i had an atypically good (i.e. "normal") day in the midst of it - i had to go out - i had tons of coffee and did the errands...

well wouldn'tcha know i had a therapist/pdoc appointment THAT day. i hadn't seen him in 2 weeks. i TOLD him i was slip sliding. i brought a journal/notes and read off bits. he said i was fatigued not depressed, by my difficult but real efforts. it sounded reasonable except i really was feeling a DOWNHILL trend. but i know it was not so visible that hour. he had me stop Zyprexa - no longer needed - and that was that.

i saw him again yesterday after a miserable week and told him, that i had told him before i was sliding and had slid some more and finally fessed up my "in case" logistics testing. He barely takes notes but he made one. And he gave me Paxil... i had loooong stopped my previous antidepressant because even taking more and more it finally wasn't helping and finally seemed to make things worse (same depression but more aggression).

I hate mentioning "background" suicidal ideations to him or anyone; i feel like a whiner and think it is all taken lightly. I know these are my feelings but they are a "stopper." Also in some cases i'm right, sometimes due to others' defense mechanisms.

I am afraid to talk to my parents because i don't want to scare them. They already took away the key to the bathroom door after an incident of attempted self-harm. I was too hysterical to do anything but make a mess of the bathroom however. Selfharm instead took place anyway, quietly, i think the next day. I showed my doctor but at that point my "mood" was relatively ok.

I have not the privacy to make a phone call on my own - alone - so i can't call a Suicide Hotline. I wouldn't be able to speak freely - my parents would hear me. But if you can, do. I know reaching out is the right thing to do. Also i had a friend who worked at a S/H and she had a couple of people who would call and ask for her... you don't have to start over everytime, at least, not with their hotline.

For me, the things "I like" i just can't appreciate much when i'm down. That is called anhedonia and i hope it doesn't apply to you. Even if i try to listen to a CD, tv show or whatever... i fade off or phase out or seek cover in bed.

But one thing that helps me a little is to watch my plants (lot of effort there: see plant, see plant not run.) They don't diminish or disbelieve you. Plants and animals stay with you and don't recoil at your feelings. Animals can be such a comfort, if you are up for it. Plants are lower maintenance.

I try to get by bit by bit and not try to do what i can't do. I am supposed to drop a resume (ready weeks ago when i was going-onto-ok) down to a place downstairs. Ok, one day i persuaded myself to print it. Then I managed to put it in a sheet holder. I still haven't been down to give it - dressing decently would be involved. Since i got really bad this week i hardly step outside. But, if i get a wisp of wellness the other little pre-steps are done, so it gets me closer. Doing little tiny things is a way of feeling less futile at the end of the day.

I have avoided sending 2 part-time job emails (HARDDDDD to find) because i am afraid both that they'll call me and that they won't. how's that. because if they call me i'm afraid i'll burst out crying in the interview.

Btw I don't understand some of the med choices your docs have made - putting you on the antipsychotics... BUT, regardless of chemical class of drugs, note that AP's in general do share some mechanisms and if you have had trouble with several, esp the newer ones, do avoid them and explain the experiences to the docs. You have suffered too much with that!

As for depakote and lamictal, they interact, but not in a "bad" way if the dosages are right. Depakote potentiates lamictal (raises its effect) by possibly 2x. i take 500mg depakote 24hr, and 200mg lamictal (1morn, 1 eve).

I think there is a death and a life instinct in each of us. You sound like you have a strong life instinct whose light is being smothered by a LOTTTTT of crap, especially physical pain. I hope your pain gives you a reprieve. Nature sometimes can be kind, and this i hope for you.

I didn't mean to write an essay. sorry. I guess I don't want you to feel alone and I am struggling too. So far, I am still here. I'm trying to hang on, i hope you are too. I hope you will check in.

take care

~ waves ~

[Buttons2]

It was pretty freaky to not be able to access BT just when some people were needing help on this forum!

Cam, glad to hear that you went to a support group. Thanks for providing more info.

You are strong & intelligent. You will get through this medication mess! I think you need one doctor that will be aware of every issue & all the different meds. And I agree you need a caring pharmasist that will keep your meds on the right track.

Waves, you also are very intelligent & able to recognize your problems & have the sense to take it slow,every little thing you can accomplish is a step ahead.

Hang on people, tomorrow just might be a much better day than you ever thought possible!

Hugs to all,Buttons

[Lara]

Check in time, Cam.

I hope you're doing better this week. Wondered about you the past week when I had trouble getting in here to the site.

Let us know how you're doing, hey?

(((hug for everyone)))