Hello........

[teddiebears]

Just wondering if any of the folks who were here before the crash might still be aournd..... ;) ;)

[Atrayou]

Hello Teddie's it is sooooo good to be back! So much has happened and I am going through **** AGAIN!!! All due to injuries, medications etc. I will say I did NOT abuse or mis-use! I did what I was told and kept very close to my doctor.....BUT doctor's are doctor's and do adjusting on med's without even telling you!!! This is aggrivating and has put me back in the situation of misery....My doctor knows of my addictions as I have made it clear that my sobriety comes first....with 2 buldging disc's in the back, Tendonitus in both wrists, arms and shoulders, metal plate in right leg. I will say that my journey has NOT been fun at all. The doctor get's my med's just right and then Bham he changes it all up leaving my body to adjust and re-adjust over and over. It has really screwed up my quality of life at this point. I am so upset and depressed. I just want to go to "Sears" and order a new body...one that is warrenteed for life. I am miserable right now. Going to ton's of meetings as that has been my lifeline.....Yet people do not seem to understand my circumstances.....I do NOT want to be on Med's.....BUT I can not function without them. Every time I get an adjustment it puts me out of the game for a week then I tolorate the pain, then he changes it up AGAIN! I go through it all over again.....I just want out, off and a pain free life! In the past month I have given up everything that was once so important to my existance.....I have 3 beautiful horses out in the barn that I can not even enjoy...god forbid if I try to muck a stall. I am tired and can not sleep....I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of not having insurance. I am tired of hearing well if it causes pain then you have to give it up!!! In other words crawl into a hole a die...because my animals are my life. Coaching Cheerleading has been my life for 14 years. Riding horses and being barn brat has been in my blood all my life! I can not even take my dog for a walk it seems.....so give it all up huh? God Please Grant me Serenity!!! I need help and feedback! I have to now docor's order's wean myself off these damn med's that he put me on. ( all with taking into account that I am an addict )~~ He knew this and I did not abuse! I took as perscribed and for a while it was all working I actually got about a weeks worth of sleep. Now I am back in the situation of trying to get myself Clean it seems....Living in agony with my back, I have a heating pad stuck to my back 24/7...I have given up 2 of my lifes most precious things that I love to do...and I am here in the now saying how did this happen? Why did I have to get hurt? Why me? So now I want out of it all....I will have to live with pain for the rest of my life.....as even with the med's my pain was NEVER completely gone....but it was dulled a bit. Please talk to me...I need support beyond belief right now! I am terrified....( not so much of getting off the med's ) of living my life in constant agony...of living my life without doing and enjoying what I love to do. Does this make sense? Are you picking up what I am laying down here? HELP!!!! Atrayou

[okieloanchick]

Hello,
Girl, I smell what you're steppin in. My question is this..... If you are not abusing and are taking your medication as prescribed, why in Sam hill do you have to stop? Chronic pain patients need medication. Its not right just to be in pain. Tell him you need something and that you have been taking them as prescribed.

Have you ever had an epidural steroid injection? I have bulging disks all through my back, but the L5-S1 was so bad(well actually still is), that I hurt sitting down and standing up. After the injection, I have had very little if any lower back pain. They say the injection could last anywhere from 1 week to 1 year. Dang, I just remembered you said you didnt have insurance. If you can find a way, i would do it though, it is great. I have syringomyelia (cyst inside my spinal cord), so I cant have it done in the other parts of my spine, but I would if I could.

Good luck girlie. I hope it all works out. It sucks to be in pain, Im there with ya. I dont know what I would do without my meds.

Kristy

[Atrayou]

My doctor wants me off of the break thru pain meds which is just fine with me as long as he finds the right dose of time release medication that will last me all day....My days start at 5AM and they end at midnight. Well then I get home and have to unwind for like an hour and get up and start all over again. My doctor will not do anything with out an MRI done. Without Insurance I have to come up with 1/2 down and then make $200 a month payments....of course being unemployed all this time really makes that goal unreachable. So that is the real deal. I take as perscribed. It has been almost a year now. I am guessing that my tolorance has changed with my time release med. Oh and everytime I felt that I was not getting relief I always called to ask what i could do....Of course they told me to take another dose of the break thru med.
This all stinks because when I first started with this injury I was taking the time release and only needed to take the break thru twice a day...then as time went on I had to take an extra dose, and so on.....now they feel that I should not have to take any break thru meds at all....Okay fine I get it but at least get my dose so it works BEFORE you cut my other med.....I dunno maybe it is because I always call them to make sure things are okay. T make sure I will be okay because of my addiction....maybe they think I am a pain in the ***.....LOL. I am just trying to keep my sobriety and keep them aware too. Is that so wrong? I see my doctor in November and the goal is to get me off the break thru meds which is percocet. I have had issues with percocet before. But I will say again I do not abuse and will never go that route again. It is the pain thing it all makes my life miserable. So thats where I stand. See they had lowered my dose of the percocet which was fine and I took as perscribed and on a friday night after 2 days of the reduction I went 9 hours without a dose and I could not handle it anymore. I ate tylenol, aleve, motrin you name it....nothing helped and I was up all night. So I called them and told them even though they are closed I was sorry but i had to take my extra dose. Now all of a sudden the goal is to wean me off ( which is fine ) But they need to undeerstand they can not wean me off unless they adjust my time release medication so I do not need the break thru pain med. I am so sick and tired of this. They bounce me around like a basketball....I am making monthly payments to them. It seems to me that they should see me before they do anything. AND the last time I did see my doctor he said we would keep the dose as is now and see how I am doing on the next visit....Nope now they are changing it before I see him....It frustrates me because I am so honest with them and i want to be treated with respect not just some number like they could care less....I have a contract with them I urinate all the time. I always pass it. Just frustrated and want it all over with. So I am weaning and I am not sleeping. I just gave up a lifelong dream of being a Rididng Instructor for Craig Cameron....took me 3 years to do this I gave clinic's for a month and now I have to resign because I can not do it from pain. I am writing up my resignation for cheerleading next another thing i have done for 14 years. They gave me my life back for a few months and now I am losing it piece by piece.....Okay I am done whinning.....Thanks for listening.

[teddiebears]

First let me say "welcome back" Atrayou. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through so much pain and turmoil.

I haven't got the time to write much now, but I would suggest that you get out your AA or NA literature and apply it to this new development in your life -- Step One - You are powerless over the physical injuries and pain. I think using your steps (and maybe some meetings??) could do a lot for your 'frame of mind'. It won't make the pain go away, but maybe it'll give you a slightly better perspective on all of it. Just a thought... I'm saying a prayer for you... Hang in there!!

[steve m]

Hi everyone..Its been a while..Ive been ok for the most part, although everything around me seems to be deteriorating..And I havent been feeling all that great..The Parkinsons is slowly moving into the other side of my body, and the change in the weather does not help..But Im sober, and still doing what I have to do to keep it that way.."Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny" as they say

Atrayou..Im sorry to hear that you are having a tough time..Being ill is not fun..Illness is about loss, and in my case the list goes on and on..Life on lifes terms..All we can do sometimes is have faith that we will somehow get through it with God's help..Sometimes thats as good as it gets..What I try to keep up front is that I still possess the unmerited gift of sobriety, and that nothing..absolutely nothing in this sober life is as bad as it was the day before I was touched by the Hand of God and offered this precious gift..Sometimes life is hard..These are times when there is but just one set of footprints in the sand..and we dont realize it untill He has carried us to the calm shores of acceptence and we can look back at where we came from

Being sober and having to rely on pain meds is not an easy task for us sober folks..I understand what youre going through..I hope that I never have to find out what it feels like..Keep doing what you are doing with hitting meetings and all, and we have tools to deal with these crisis, and this is when we have to put them to use..Before, the only tool we had in the box was the bottle, and it just added insult to injury..Dr's..most dont understand addiction..You have to be on your guard

My thoughts and prayers go out to you

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Steve

[Laura]

most dont understand addiction..

True, Steve, but I have a suspicion Atrayou's doctor just might.

Atrayou,
At risk of sounding unsympathetic (and I really am, I've dealt with the exact same losses, it sucks, big time), you have slipped into mighty dangerous territory. I hear some "addict" thinking going on, and you are dealing with a drug of choice to boot. You are powerless over these drugs. That means needing to place ALL decisions out of your hands. Taking an extra dose because you couldn't take it anymore? That is called self-medicating and is a luxury you can't afford. It's what got you into trouble in the first place. (And I suspect why your doc is taking away your breakthroughs, he is justifiably concerned.) Now you want to dictate the dosage of your long-acting meds. Again, self-medicating and addict-type thinking. Being able to successfully take narcotics for pain is a difficult task for addicts, and being so new (if I recall, less than a year) to recovery, many, myself included (and I am open to the use of narcotic pain management in some circumstances, not one of those never never people), would argue ill-advised. But it is your decision. I only want to caution you that should you choose to proceed you need to turn over decisions concerning what you take and when. If you allow your "will" to become involved, you have taken those first steps back down the path to relapse. Seen it happen. Meanwhile, maybe hit some extra meetings and keep close tabs with your sponsor, okay? I'm worried about you.

I AM really sorry about your losses. I can't ride horses anymore, rode them since the age of 10. I broke my neck when I was 37 and suffered permanent neurological damage that affects my strength, coordination, and balance. They were not only my passion, but my lifeline to sanity. It has been 11 years and I still mourn the loss. I suffered many other losses as well, but that was the one that hit me the hardest, by far. Few people can understand how not being able to ride would be the toughest part of a disability. I also suffer chronic pain, was offered methadone pain management, but have chosen to manage it with non-narcotics. Personal choice. I just wanted to let you know that not only can I empathize, I can sympathize. Been there an done that. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.......... think of how strong we are getting! I'm really not being trite, it is the suffering we endure that makes us grow and builds our character. I barely resemble the person I was before my accident, and maybe I'm nuts (okay, I am nuts), but today, oddly enough, am grateful for it. My accident sure wasn't anything I would have ever chosen, but my Higher Power had a different plan for me, and it was good.

P.S. Waving out there to Steve and Teddiebears!

[Atrayou]

Listen I am not trying to defend myself but I do want to set the record staright here....I did over medicate on the first night of my scheduled reduction....however I did not notice that they had reduced my intake until after I had taken my doese at the regular scheduled times as I was taking them before.....so in other words when I took my last dose for the day I had another 12 hours of my day to go.....if I would have been told instead of had to read the bottle...( as they should have made me aware ) I would have in fact spaced my doses out for a longer period of time as they wanted me too....Also I did call them and tell them BEFORE I took the extra dose. So I do not mind cutting my dose back as long as we find something that works for me and I can live my life at least moderately. So I do agree maybe that is why they cut my dose back but my argument with them is that they could have had the common curtisy or at the very least the professionalism to tell me of the NEW dose I was to be taking....when I got my script I had no idea that my dose had changed.....when I noticed I went over 8 hours and I was hurting so bad I wanted to puke!
I will be making a point of keeping closer contact with my doctors nurse in the next coming weeks as their goal is to get me off of these things.....Not a problem as long as my time release med works and gets me through my day. I can not slip into the deep depression of painful days.....I have done well and I know I was playing with fire BUT my doctor too mentioned the methadone and it freaked me out I said no thanks....this is where the perc's came in and we worked very closely together.....But I am with the doctor on not having to need break thru pain meds....I would much rather take 1 good long term time release med.....that is what I am looking for....question is...can we find something that works?

[Laura]

Atrayou,
First of all, I commend you for your honesty with your physician, and I meant to mention that in the last post. THAT is good. And I appreciate your clarification. However my position remains unchanged. You are playing with fire and you must be very careful. You should not be calling them to inform them you have deviated from their plan for ANY reason, no matter HOW justified you think it is. It is too damn dangerous. If you allow one exception, soon there will be others. You know how easy it is come up with good reasons to take extra pills. The first may be legit. The next may be legit. The time after that may be semi-legit. Soon any reason will sound good. I am sure I don't have to explain that to you. You must put ALL doses in somebody else's hands. What is more important? A few hours of suffering or your sobriety? That was the point I was trying to make. It looks like the same type of self-medicating solution to a problem that suck addicts into addiction. "Uncomfortable? Take a pill." I don't want to see you heading down the road to relapse, and when you start coming up with "excuses" to take extra pills, AND then insist on justifying it, that is a big red flag waving in the air, at least to me. I don't know, what do others here think? Am I seeing boogeymen where they don't exist?

[Atrayou]

You are right and I was wrong. I will be sure to tell my physician that I was wrong in what I had done. That it will never happen again. You are correct. Nothing is worth my sobriety. If it is in the cards that I am meant to suffer on a daily basis so be it. I was wrong. Thank you for pointing that out to me. At the time when I did that I was in terrible pain and of course I was not rational about my situation. The more I think about it the more I just want off of all this stuff. I am praying that the doctor can in fact find a safe effective medication for me to take without playing with fire. I am sorry for jumping your back. I appreciate you sticking to your guns. I need to hear that. Right now I am slipping into a depression from living in pain on a daily basis....as before I used these drugs for recreation. I have always been fearful that I would one day require pain meds for something. Well that day has come. I am praying that in January with my new job I will get insurance and be able to have the back surgery that I require. Until then I am praying that God keeps me in the game of life without me losing everything I have worked so hard for. That includes being employed.
So Thanks Laura.

[Leila]

Atrayou, please be careful with the narcs

I was clean for 2.5 years after a hideous addiction to IV demerol, I relapesd 2 years ago after back surgery. I've been flirting with narcs for a few years...you know one of those high functioning junkies. Today I'm over 900.00 dollars overdrawn, have a 100.00/per day habit, husband has no ideas about what I'm doing...things are getting worse and worse for me daily....

The viscous cycle of the relapse all started because I wanted to take pain meds so I wouldn't "suffer" Bull CRAP In my humble opinion Addicts can't tolerate Narc of any kind. I hate to sound ugly but I think you really need to be honest with yourself about those "long lasting" pain meds you are on. Do you really have to have them to function..or are you getting just a little buzzed?

[carolad8]

I'm still here too, or should I say back.? before the crash I was "cadolad" tried to get on this morning and couldn't sign on so I reinlisted, an now am carolad8. now I guess I have to start all over , well, won't be the first time right?LOL. it's great to be back!:)I really missed everyone!