Please post if you are being abused or have been abused

[JAVISI]

Please post if you are being abused or have been abused. I was abused for 23 years. I was beaten so many times I can not count. I lost my self esteem. The physical abuse went away but the verbal abuse still remains. I left my husband 2 years ago. I feel so free but still have problems with self esteem, now that I am sick, it is worse.

When I left I did have some where to go. I moved in with my parents. I was so scred that he would kill me and my family. But yet I knew that he would beat me but never fight with a man. I knew he was afraid od of my dad. When I left he moved in with another woman. He really hasn't bithered me. Of course I really wasn't worth anything to him since I became onable to work and pay all of the bills.

I hate it that it hurt my kids but the are grown now, and are dealing with it. I now have a boyfriend that treats me so good! I dated him when I was a teen. He treated me so good back then, so I broke up with him. I didn't feel like I was good enough for him. I grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional household. So i MARRIED A MEAN ALCOHOLIC.

What a realeif to be in a normal relationship with someone that treats me tenderly with love and respect. I still sometimes wonder how I got so lucky. I if I really deserve it but something deep inside tells me I do!

Share if you would like!
Dreaming Big and Reaching for the Stars!;)

[Cry Tears]

I too come from a very disfunctional abusive "religeous" sicko family.
My councelor told me that I was raised by two crazies!
My mother an RN in charge of a large hosiptals Materinity ward and my father a gambler, theif, falanderer, scammer..big time scammer! He was into scamming people from the church claiming he'd use the money for "holy work". He never even went to church...drank, smoked and had numerous affairs with other women.
I always turned him in...this man hated me before I was born!
I hated this man from as early as I can remember....about 4 years old.
I even kept my distance from his rare occasion of any show of affection and was dubbed "The wooden Indian".
He took off when my mom was 6 months pg with me....she chased him clear across the united states...she wanted that man badly!
I took the brunt of his hatred...slappings, beatings...his brothers sexual abuse. I told my "mom" of the sexual abuse....I was told to keep it to myself!
She used me like a dish rag....I was much older than all my siblings and they thought of me as the one in control.
But my "father" turned them against me. So I've been shunned and abandonded from all of them.
When I married, Larry, my current husband 34 years ago...I did NOT love him. But I knew he would be a very good provider as he was just finishing his education.
My self esteme was so poor. I had zero self respect.
I'd gotten PG by an older "man" when I had just turned 17.
Babes having babies! I was then on welfare and wanted a better life.
I was in no way attracted to Larry...and I have no idea why I married him then. But because he was such a good provider I felt I could just live in a marriage to a man I wasn't attracted to.
Our marriage hit some huge pit falls and we both became abusive to eachother. About 4 or 5 times in several years, he'd hit me...leave bruises on me. But I didn't leave, didn't want to leave but I still didn't love him...but it was familiar....the abuse felt normal.
We fought like wild animals...but I had the upper hand as I was then a deputy sheriff. Larry never hit me again after I'd taken a lot of self defense classes and was clearly very fit and then carried a 357 Mr Smith!
Our lives were out of control and we both needed help.
We got into serious counceling and turned our lives completly around.
We joined a good church and took vows to never go back to our old life styles again. It was only by having the Lord as our focus that we were able to do this.
I quit that job...yes it attracts control type freaks...I was/am one of them!
Larry made a very sincere apologies to me and made a vow to never hit me ever again...I too vowed the same. That was in 1979.
We've had many many trials in our walks thru this life but have managed to keep our heads above "water" and have a very stable relationship.
I don't advocate staying with ANYONE who is abusive...women can also be offenders and abusers like I once was. Some people claim they won't do it ever again...then go right back. I think in order to stay with someone who'se abused you...must make a complete turn about face and it must be totally sincere or else you'll end up right back into the abuse and may end up dead!
I've learned long ago that the reason I married Larry was because he was much different than my family and the reason I wasn't all that attracted to this very handsome man!
Do I love him now? Absolutley with all my heart...without a doubt.
I wonder where I'd be today had I married those heart throbs I felt all hot for! Probably sitting in a single wide on the worse side of town!
But wealth is just stuff/things/junk that can all be taken away with a crisis.
I have a wonderful husband and I feel very blessed for our marriage to have survived such a rocky begining.
We're both much different people than when we met.
Its like we've grown up together...and learned by our past mistakes.
But not too many grown ups are willing to make a drastic change such as we experienced. Its taken strong religeous convictions for us to make these changes.
Larry has never even come close to abusing me....he doesn't even swear and only raises his voice when its too noisey. And I have never felt compelled to hit or abuse him either. But I think these type experiences are rare.
My "father" always promised he was thru being dishonest and untrustworthy. But he'd only do this for his advantage....I think he had his fingers crossed each time. Finally after 43 years they divorced. My mother finally saw who this man really was....a monster! Each one of my siblings have had restraining orders against this man. Now he's living in a squaller of a care facility, slowly dying...for all I know he may have died years ago...but then again he's so onery he'll live to be 100 like his drunken father.
Its just too bad he wasted his entire life trying to get out of working. And sad my mother loved him so much she sacrificed her children for this man.
She was always soooo in love with him...even when he had other women.
But I'm glad that I didn't let my heart be my guide...I just took a look at the lifestyle Larry had and I knew then that I'd end up happier by marrying him, than if I'd married my good for nothing heart throb.
I think our experience is very rare...unless someone were to make a total commitment to God and become a new person.
I do think it takes very hard work just livng here on planet earth!
We've both been hit with serious health issues...but at same time we feel very blessed beyond measure.
But this is just a rare experience. If you are in an abusive relationship, run! Don't walk and never go back! Never! Even if promises are made.
My experience is a one in a million! '
Blessings, cheryl
Blessings, cheryl

[toban11]

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, mainly emotional/mental abuse but also some physical abuse. My parents were never supportive and never protected me if someone else hurt me. I can recall being molested, not by family, but by a neighbour down the road and someone else and my parents blamed me and would ask these people to babysit me while they went out putting me in more harm.

I got involved with a man who at first thought was the one. Slowly over time he became controlling, and abusive. I was with him for 4 years and could have died a few times at the hands of him. He also got his friends involved and two of them assaulted me physically. Often he would lock me up in the spare bedroom from one hour up to eight hours while he invited his friends over to watch football, baseball etc. His friends knew I was in the room because he would let them in and they would stare at me like I was a zoo animal. I'm not sure exactly what made me leave him. I believe after one beating something sparked in me. After I left I continued to have problems with him stalking me etc. Now I have medical problems due to him.

My parents blamed the abuse on me saying I was at fault, and probably a horrible girlfriend, no wonder he beat me, I deserved it etc.

It is easy for someone on the outside to say walk away, but once your in, it is hard to leave for many reasons. For myself I was totally petrified of my ex, knew he would likel kill me or get his friends involved, plus I had almost zero support from my friends and family. I was under his control and it came to a point where no matter how injured I was emotionally, physically, I thought it was okay or normal. I easily blocked out my emotions and physical pain. My medical doctor watched out for me and gave me the encouragement to leave. Probably without his guidance I would be dead today.

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I think only someone who has been abused can understand. I regret so much of my life and the hurt I put my children through. I started this post just to get the sadness and anger out. I beleive that it really helps.

So many people hide the abuse that they endure, I know now that it only hurts myself! I do know that women also abuse and they are ashamed to admit it even more so than women.

Becoming ill really changed my priorities. I want to make the most of everyday since none oif us know when it will be our time to leave this earth. So many people blame themselves for the abuse. I know that I did for many years. I am still at times afraid of my ex-husband but I am so thankful to have got up the nerve to leave and God blessed me with a man that treats me so good. Better than I have ever been treated in my entire life! What a blessing!

I just wanted to start this post to let others know that they are not alone and just talking about it helps. So often it is a secret held from childhood on!
Congratulations to you both and thank you for sharing!;)

[suzq]

Hi all, yes I was horribly abused for 13 yrs by my husband who was from Egypt. The man was highly intelligent, well educated engineer who didn't smoke, drink or do drugs. We were both runners and if I didn't place in a race he would verbally and physically abuse me. If I did win he would get jealous and insist I cheated. He denied me and our two boys food to see how thin he could get us. I weighed only 102 lbs (5ft, 5in) when we ran away from.
It's been 13 years later, my boys are both grown and are both engineers and are very gentle mannered men. I am married to my best friend whom I loved forever (40) yrs
I've been in psychiatric tx for PTSD as I never knew when my ex would blow.He always said he would kill me in my sleep and make it look like suicide and I finally took him seriously.
I am now in a peaceful, loving relationship, but its very hard to forget the terror and pain-I still have night terrors.

Why didn't I just leave??? we lived in many foreign countries, I had no support groups or womens shelters-nobody believed me either because he was so smooth on the outside. I could go on and on but you get the picture
Suzq

[JAVISI]

They all are such fakes,everone thought my ex was the nicest guy! He was always able to put on a happy face with others. I too never knew when the abuse would come. He would blame my for others looking at him! Like I was to blame. My ex always threatened to kill me, throw me off the mountainside and it would look like an accident. They are true manipulators. I think we all stay out of fear and loss of self esteem. I am proud of you for getting your kids out of there as early as you did. I didn't do that and regret it so much yet to this day! Congratulations and thank you for sharing!
Dream Big, Javisi

[suzq]

Hi javisi

It took me many years to heal and I still don't think I'm over it. When the one who professed to love and care for you turns into an evil monster that fills your entire life with fear, it takes many years to trust again. My ex was 12 yrs older than me, a foreigner, and very jealous.

My boys respect him, but my older son says he can never love him (He took as much abuse as I did, because he had a husky body build, which my ex considered undisciplined)

Thanks for listeneng suzq
,

[JAVISI]

Suzq, I am sorry about your son. I really don't understand some of the rational for how some counties think. Like your son beimg husky being a bad thing. My kids love their dad and that is fine with me. I am glad they say theydo not blame me for leaving, yet it hurts that he uses them and manipulates them. I just know in my heart that they will see the real him as they get older. My dad was mean and abusive to my mom when she was drinking. She would actually be the one to start the fight even though she knew after my dad had listened to her long enough he would beat her. I had a miserable childhood and a miserable marraige. I am thankful that I left! I feel like my life has just started at 39, I am 40 now. I look back and think how sad that I didn't leave sooner how much happer of a life I know my kids and I would have had! But we can't go back so I am reaching for the stars and dreaming big everyday to live a much happier and saner life! Talk to you soon! Sorry I haven't been on lately but my computer has notlet me on. I think because of the strong storms we have been having,I hope you dream big too! Love, Laurie

[goo5]

I am 16 years old and i cant figure out if im being abused. My dad pushes me to the ground or slaps me when hes angry with me, but he never hits hard enough to leave a mark. I know lots of other people have it much worse because they might be physically disabled but i am really unhappy and i cry a lot...almost everyday. I think it affects me emotionally to because i feel bipolar. Some days i'll think my family is great, but i can't be myself around my dad because anything i say that he doesnt agree with usually results in an argument and a hit. Usually he just runs full speed at me to make me flinch or drags me by my arm or hair. He tells me he loves me and that he hates to do it, but i dont feel loved or wanted and he continues to do it. Today he was screaming at me in public and i started to cover my ears so i couldnt hear him, i was so embarrassed. Then he yelled at me wanting to know why i was "hitting myself and if he could do it himself" and i said no you can't, what makes you think you could do that? But he just got very angry like i offended him and mocked me in a whiny voice. Sometimes i think i would be better off dead, at school I'm fine but i always dread going home, i'd rather go to school full year mon-sun than go home. My mom doesn't factor anywhere into this, she never stands up for herself or me. My sister is smart she just doesnt talk and agrees with everything he says, but he yells at them a lot. I'm the only one he seems to hit though. Am i overreacting? Am i just selfish and want a reason to blame my dad just cause im a teen? Please help me...am i being abused?

[CanRelate]

The short answer is YES you *are* being abused!!!

I am in a rush tonight, so don't have time to say what I want to..... however, I did want you to know you have been heard (read!!:D ) and to please come back for support.....even if it takes a bit for us to sit down and write to you, goo5.

Warm regards,
CanRelate


I am 16 years old and i cant figure out if im being abused. My dad pushes me to the ground or slaps me when hes angry with me, but he never hits hard enough to leave a mark. I know lots of other people have it much worse because they might be physically disabled but i am really unhappy and i cry a lot...almost everyday. I think it affects me emotionally to because i feel bipolar. Some days i'll think my family is great, but i can't be myself around my dad because anything i say that he doesnt agree with usually results in an argument and a hit. Usually he just runs full speed at me to make me flinch or drags me by my arm or hair. He tells me he loves me and that he hates to do it, but i dont feel loved or wanted and he continues to do it. Today he was screaming at me in public and i started to cover my ears so i couldnt hear him, i was so embarrassed. Then he yelled at me wanting to know why i was "hitting myself and if he could do it himself" and i said no you can't, what makes you think you could do that? But he just got very angry like i offended him and mocked me in a whiny voice. Sometimes i think i would be better off dead, at school I'm fine but i always dread going home, i'd rather go to school full year mon-sun than go home. My mom doesn't factor anywhere into this, she never stands up for herself or me. My sister is smart she just doesnt talk and agrees with everything he says, but he yells at them a lot. I'm the only one he seems to hit though. Am i overreacting? Am i just selfish and want a reason to blame my dad just cause im a teen? Please help me...am i being abused?

[viviaz]

you are young and can see things well now, I am 45 and thought I would always see things the right way. well I didnt my first marriage my husband hit me 3days after we were married, I told him everyone makes a mistake ONCE, 7 mths later he did it again so I left and never went back. I was smart back when I was young. then I got married again 5 yrs later to what I thought was a great guy but it turned out he was an abuser too but he didnt hit me as abuse he just took everything there was about "me" and changed that into him and what he wanted to the best way he could with out my relizing that was what he was doing. I was just trying to be a good wife and keep my home together for my kids, 22 yrs later well I finally have the right picture. as long as I did what he wanted I was good enough, but when brain injury got in the way I was thrown to the streets and he also turned my kids away from me too.
so the best thing now is that I am finally learning about Me and what things I like and are inportant to Me and how to recordnize abusers so I never fall into that again, as well to take care of Me no matter what, even when we have children we have to learn to take care of ourselves first and then others or we will be abused in the long run. we will protect our children better that way too by our example of taken good care of ourselves.
well I know my writeing is all that great but I do have brain injury so bare with me and hear the intent of my words sweetie

[Buttons2]

First I want to welcome goo5 & viviaz to BT. You will find a cyber home here with many caring,supportive people.

goo5,you are being abused as well as neglected. You are young & have your entire life ahead of you. Your father is a total bully, why he picks on you is something I can't answer. Is he drinking when he's abusive? We do have a forum here for families with alcoholics,you might find that helpful.

Since you are questioning whether this is really abuse.....I see that as a lack of self esteem,and the fact that your sister & your mother are not intervening. You don't need to ever compare your abuse to those that have it much worse,abuse is abuse,and it is always wrong no matter the physical damage done.

Your father needs to have total control. And please don't question if you are weak & that's why he picks on you. Since your mother is allowing this to happen (which she is!), either she is blind or she is also being abused. You don't know what goes on in the bedroom for instance. There are NO limits to ways an abusive person can destroy a life. Some women stay in these situations out of fear,from financial dependence,from growing up in an abusive home themselves,very low self esteem, or because they are
ashamed & find it easier to deal with abuse by pretending it's not happening.

I strongly urge you to confide in a school counselor,teacher or perhaps someone in a church or youth group. Just because he hasn't broken any bones or left any bruises doesn't mean he won't escalate to that in the future. You might have to stay under his roof for a couple more years but it's NOT ever okay for a child to be afraid to go home!

You have to be careful about who you confide in however,these days talking about abuse can get social services involved & children removed from homes & put into foster care. On a scale of one to ten, your situation might not be considered critical....but I consider it to be something that can destroy you.

Our parents are supposed to be there to provide & protect. When they fail in their duties it makes us wonder what is wrong with US. Why are we not loveable? And the pain never goes away. It will affect all your future relationships.

Please feel free to share more of your story with us. And if there's stuff you just don't want public, you can PM anyone replying to you here. I hope you have the good fortune of having a family member,neighbor,or older friend that you can go to for support.

You're at an age where you are beginning to figure out life,don't ever think you are meant to be somebody's punching bag!

viviaz, thanks for sharing your story. You don't need to apologize for your writing! You mentioned brain injury,I hope you can find a forum here that fits into your particular ailment.

Both of you might benefit from our emotional support forum here. Please keep posting & don't get discouraged if you don't receive replies right away. It's the weekend & it's actually summer someplace! so people are busier than usual.

Take care,gentle hugs-you are not alone!
Buttons

[JAVISI]

Butons,
Thank you so much for taking over where I left off. I have always wanted to keep this thread going! It is so oimportant to me after being abused for so long. It is a passion for me to try and help others , give advice and the main thing is to listen to let people know that their are so many people out there that are being abused. Abuse is not divided by race, sex, poverty or people with lots of money.

I hope people realize that there are ways out and the mental abuse is what really brings you down. You think you are not worth anything and no one wouyld ever want you. It is sad that sometimes the abused parents also bleme the person But the main thing is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It took me almost 40 years to come to terms with the fact that I8 am a good person, I deserve more!

I am questioning if my brain disorder is related to being kicked in the head one to many times? I didn't feel like I was worth anythinhg when I was married to my ex. I moved in with my parents, my ex is afraid of my dad, basically any man. I am now happily in a relationship with a man thatr has shown me what it is like to be loved, treated well and respected. We all deserve that!

Gotta go the man of my dreams that does not abuse me is here and I want to see how his day went~!
Dream Big, Javisi;)

[am I Clearly Me?]

goo5 -

Yes, yes, yes, you're being abused. You don't deserve it, and it's horrible that you're still a minor and have fewer options than an adult would. If your sister isn't getting hit, I'd recommend following her lead in your behavior around him. Right now, your priority is to keep yourself as safe as possible till you're 18 and can get out. If you want, you could call the police on him (or better, go through a counselor at school), and you might be removed from the home, but you might end up in a foster home that wasn't much better. Honestly, I don't know much about options for people in your age group. I have a friend who's in a battered women's shelter currently; I'll ask & see what she can find out.

Hang in there; you won't be stuck with this forever! And keep in touch with us, okay?

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I am so glad this forum is finally being used. Abuse has no discrimination and is almost always a taboo to talk about! But talking about it is good. It sure helps to know that you are not alone. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes it happens in what seems to be the happiest families.

Abuse comes in many forms but all of them have the same effect, they are intended to break yor spirit. I want everyone to know that they are all worthwhile people and the earth is better with them in it! I beleive we are all put on this earth for a reason and things happen foir a reason good and the bad. When bad things happen we can use our experiences to help others!

For me and most others I beleive the verbal abuse is the worst to deal with. Being hit the bruises go away but the words hit deep down in the core of our souls and those words seem to stick with us so much longer in fact I think they stay forever but we can overcome them with the help others.

The worst part is the living in fear. Often that fear comes creeping back into my life. I hate being scared. That means that I am still giving him control over my life and I do not want that! It helps when I post because I remi8nd myself that I am worthy of living a nlife without fear, shame and abuse!

Still Dreaming Big with Love, Javi