Being a sick mother

[JAVISI]

Being a sick Mother!

What harm am I inflicting on my children by being so sick?
In my stomach I feel like I am getting a hard kick!

I am not the mom that I used to be,
I wish I could be happy, careless and free.

I hate being sick, taking so many pills.
Most of the time I feel overwhelmed by all of the bills.

I can't keep up with my grandaughter, tha I love so much!
And to hold the new baby, I so long to clutch!

I am nothing I used to be!
Why me what went wrong? I feel like things are blurry and I can not see

No one knows or can feel the deap seated pain, guilt and shame I feel inside.
It makes me so sad, I feel like so much of my identity has died.

Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? To be a good mother is what I long to do!
Now my children are grown, I see my failures, and no one seems to have the answer for me, I want to ask someone but who?

Everyone that I know, their children have made mistakes.
No answer can be found in a book or by a person,and because of this my heart breaks.

I love my kids more than myself, you see!
If and when I die, I want them to be all that they can be.

I often feel selfish for leaving their dad
I feel like I have putten them in a position, all alone and sad.

Should I have sacrificed my life, Like I had for so many years?
My life was awful, filled with so many tears!

I love my kids with all of my heart, and that is something that I hope they know deep down inside!
They were my reason for living for so many years. With them beside me Ifelt like behind them I could hide.

I know that things in life are not always fair
But why do I hurt so much and feel caught in this awful snare?

By, Laurie

[FireflyR7]

;) What a touching poem!!! Poor girl!! You should not put all of this guilt on yourself hun! It is not your fault, and they still love you for who you are!! Not what you may not be able to do! I don't have any children, I imagine that is a hard part to deal with! :o But, you are here to be with them!! :)
I bare the same guilt about not being the wife I use to be or being a firefighter, I am use to helping other's and now it is I that needs the help?
I have finally come to accept it but, it is still hard.
Writing really help me to get my feelings out!! I hope you write more! It gets better in time hun!! How are you feeling now?? Take care and I will keep you in my prayers!!! ;) Tricia

[low_tide]

Hello Laurie ,
Thank you for sharing your emotions through your changing condition.Expressing yourself is important and you have done it in your very unique way.Children have also their very unique way of looking at us .....with their heart ...and their radar is quite wonderful.Often ,we demand a lot of ourselves and in sickness children ,s compassion is often being developped......Everything in life has a purpose !When we become weak and vulnerable .....we need love and kindness to be restored ....It is always about balancing and that is not easy we all know but in time we learn from each other .....Sharing with us is a way of accepting ,even though difficult ,the twist and turns of life .....Your courage is wonderful ....!

[Toad]

Laurie,

wonderful poem as well as moving. You obviously wish to put your children first in everything you do though with your limitations that plausibility evaporates.

we can only do what we can do. the more you take care of you, the more you can be there for them.

wishing you all my best

todd

[waves]

So often you have been an inspiration for me
So often for many others here
I know that no matter what your state may be
Your children shall forever hold you dear

As do we,
As do we.

((( Laurie )))

~ waves ~ healing wishes your way