mags
10-13-2006, 12:09 PM
I am so ****ing depressed. One of the first things I did this morning was bawl my eyes out. I'm bawling right now. Sobbing like a hurt and scared little girl. I know no one is going to come and rescue me. That is just a fairy tale I have been telling myself for years. I know I need to save myself. I can't. I don't have the ability. I Just wish this was all over. I want to quit life so bad. My whole family is unhappy. My husband is never happy with anyone or anything. I can't take his negativity anymore. I want to break away from him, but I am so weak, and I still love him. I always will. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, and he is just sticking around out of a sense of obligation. If that's the truth, I wish he would just leave. He never will though. He doesn't connect with his sons or me on any deep level. He wasn't always like this though, he used to be such a great husband/father. I poured my heart out to him, telling him I am SO overwhelmed with life, and my 3 year old son and my 17 year old son as well. His response was that he is overwhelmed with work, and he feels like a huge weight is on his shoulders, that just keeps getting heavier every day.
My husband, my 17 year old, and myself got into a huge blow out last night which kept me up all night tossing and turning. Many horrible things were said by all parties. My family is falling apart.
My middle son is my angel. I am closest to him, because he is so very sweet and kind and gentle (and quiet). He's a very good boy. He gets picked on at school a lot though, because he is very timid. I wish he knew what an awesome person he is, but he doesn't realize that, even though I tell him all the time. He has low self esteem, and I can't stand it. I was teased, had/have low self esteem and I know how much it hurts.
My eldest son is having a very hard time right now. He thinks his father doesn't love him, and I can't get my husband to have a heart to heart talk with him. My son needs to know he is loved, every person on this earth needs to know that. I lash out at him a lot because we butt heads a lot. He is so much like me, and I hate that. I don't want my children to be like me. I love him, as well as my other boys more than anything in this world, and yet I yell at them, and lose my temper, sometimes saying things I really regret later. My life is full of regrets, and lots if onlys...I am afraid I am ruining my children, simply by being their mother.
My youngest, who is 3, NEVER stops moving, yelling, climbing, jumping, sometimes hitting. He climbs the wall, literally. I'll post a pic of that if I get the energy. He fights me on everything. He never listens to anything I tell him to do. If I ask him to repeat something he said, because I couldn't hear or understand him, he gets quieter, just to bug the crap out of me. I have hearing loss, and no one one around me ever takes that into consideration. (I am deaf in my right ear.) He is such an angry little boy (but can be very loving too.) If I say to him, "I love you so much.", he says, "Yeah, and I love Grandma." :( (Presumably because I suck.)
I am failing at life. I just don't think I was meant to be here, like it was some kind of mistake, and I should have been put in the reject pile. I don't identify or connect with anyone. I am so lonely and empty. I have a gaping black hole inside me, and whatever I try to fill it with will never be enough. I want so badly to run away, but I have nowhere to run to. I don't know who I am. I feel like I never knew who I was, and that maybe I don't exist at all. It's like my personality never developed, or what little of it there was, went away, once I trapped myself in this marriage/family. (I know that sounds bad.)
So how does someone with no personality, or life experience outside a very limited small world, make her own way in life? I don't think it's possible. I was never given ANY guidance, encouragement, love, and support as a child. Nobody ever said to me that I had potential, that I could have been or done anything I set my mind to. Instead it was emotional and sexual abuse, and neglect. I was hurt so many times as a child, that I don't trust anyone. I rarely ever leave my house, not because I love it here, but I can't face the world. When I do go out, I can't make eye contact with anyone, and stare at the floor.
I don't have anyone to talk to, except maybe my therapist, but I don't even know if I have him, because I caught him closing his eyes (to rest them) while I was talking about something I felt was important. I asked him if I was putting him to sleep, and he rambled something off about allergy medication. Whatever. I hate my new pdoc's office. She is really nice, but she is ALWAYS at least 2 hours behind schedule, and she's the only pdoc in my area that my insurance will cover. Her office staff is the absolute worst I've ever seen, and I have seen a lot.
Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to talk. I might delete this. I have to go check on my 3 year old to see what he is doing/destroying now. *sigh*
I can't take this anymore. :(
My husband, my 17 year old, and myself got into a huge blow out last night which kept me up all night tossing and turning. Many horrible things were said by all parties. My family is falling apart.
My middle son is my angel. I am closest to him, because he is so very sweet and kind and gentle (and quiet). He's a very good boy. He gets picked on at school a lot though, because he is very timid. I wish he knew what an awesome person he is, but he doesn't realize that, even though I tell him all the time. He has low self esteem, and I can't stand it. I was teased, had/have low self esteem and I know how much it hurts.
My eldest son is having a very hard time right now. He thinks his father doesn't love him, and I can't get my husband to have a heart to heart talk with him. My son needs to know he is loved, every person on this earth needs to know that. I lash out at him a lot because we butt heads a lot. He is so much like me, and I hate that. I don't want my children to be like me. I love him, as well as my other boys more than anything in this world, and yet I yell at them, and lose my temper, sometimes saying things I really regret later. My life is full of regrets, and lots if onlys...I am afraid I am ruining my children, simply by being their mother.
My youngest, who is 3, NEVER stops moving, yelling, climbing, jumping, sometimes hitting. He climbs the wall, literally. I'll post a pic of that if I get the energy. He fights me on everything. He never listens to anything I tell him to do. If I ask him to repeat something he said, because I couldn't hear or understand him, he gets quieter, just to bug the crap out of me. I have hearing loss, and no one one around me ever takes that into consideration. (I am deaf in my right ear.) He is such an angry little boy (but can be very loving too.) If I say to him, "I love you so much.", he says, "Yeah, and I love Grandma." :( (Presumably because I suck.)
I am failing at life. I just don't think I was meant to be here, like it was some kind of mistake, and I should have been put in the reject pile. I don't identify or connect with anyone. I am so lonely and empty. I have a gaping black hole inside me, and whatever I try to fill it with will never be enough. I want so badly to run away, but I have nowhere to run to. I don't know who I am. I feel like I never knew who I was, and that maybe I don't exist at all. It's like my personality never developed, or what little of it there was, went away, once I trapped myself in this marriage/family. (I know that sounds bad.)
So how does someone with no personality, or life experience outside a very limited small world, make her own way in life? I don't think it's possible. I was never given ANY guidance, encouragement, love, and support as a child. Nobody ever said to me that I had potential, that I could have been or done anything I set my mind to. Instead it was emotional and sexual abuse, and neglect. I was hurt so many times as a child, that I don't trust anyone. I rarely ever leave my house, not because I love it here, but I can't face the world. When I do go out, I can't make eye contact with anyone, and stare at the floor.
I don't have anyone to talk to, except maybe my therapist, but I don't even know if I have him, because I caught him closing his eyes (to rest them) while I was talking about something I felt was important. I asked him if I was putting him to sleep, and he rambled something off about allergy medication. Whatever. I hate my new pdoc's office. She is really nice, but she is ALWAYS at least 2 hours behind schedule, and she's the only pdoc in my area that my insurance will cover. Her office staff is the absolute worst I've ever seen, and I have seen a lot.
Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to talk. I might delete this. I have to go check on my 3 year old to see what he is doing/destroying now. *sigh*
I can't take this anymore. :(